A night out

One common thing for people to do is to go out and get drunk at the bar. At two different occasions in my life I have spent my fair share of time hanging out in bars with friends. It usually doesn't last long since I don't drink much, can't afford to, and it usually can become quite boring after awhile. Because when you are sober drunk people aren't very fun to hang out with and because once all your friends start finding guys to dance with and I am left with no one to hang with.

Last night was my friends birthday. She asked me at least half a dozen times if I was going so I couldn't miss it. We met at the Desert Ridge Sandbar around 8:30. It was so much fun. Eight girls hanging out, drinking a little, just having fun. It was awesome! Then an 9th friend showed up and the atmosphere changed. Not bad, just instead of sitting in a cabana we got up and started dancing instead. It was so much fun, I hadn't gone out dancing in a long time. But, we will call her nine for anonymity. Nine decided she needed to find a boy for the birthday girl. I had heard from other stories that this was what she did, she likes to set people up. At this point I realize that she is trying to live vicariously through the younger girls. See she is fifty and divorced, and now a single mother. She also smokes a little more than nicotine, if you know what I mean. She also gets drunk way to often, I have added her 14 year old son to my prayer list.

After much "patrolling" and harassing men she finally convinced two to come over. They were kind of cute and seemed nice enough. It quickly became six of us. Birthday girl, girl two, Nine, me and the two guys. It was cool at first but I just stuck around too long. Birthday girl was looking to "get lucky" for birthday and had found the perfect guy for it. Girl two was getting pretty close with the other guy and then it was me and the 50 year old high drunk woman who kept pulling me away because she was sure that girl two should get lucky too. Though I knew that wasn't going to happen which is why I felt comfortable hanging out still.

It is just hard. When I am right there and the guys refer to me but never actually address me or look me in the eyes. They buy drinks for all the other girls but somehow don't get me one. I could have pushed, I didn't because I really didn't want to drink anyway but it would have been nice. As I sat there watching girl 2 get close with this guy; holding hands, arm around her back, him caressing her shoulders. I just felt so alone in that moment. Part of me wished that just anyone would touch me like that. Though of course I don't really want some random guy who in the light of day turns out to be a total creep.

In those moments I realize how alone I am. Of course today I think about how I don't want to have one night stands like birthday girl or let a stranger caress my body just because like girl 2. I guess I can't say I don't judge them because I kind of do but I accept that those are there choices and I have a different one. I mean seriously I love those girls they are great friends. It just all makes me think.

So no more late nights out for me. Only for those special occasions. I am glad I went, I had so much fun! But it also reminded me of what I am looking for in a relationship.

An update

I am heading to bed but really want to update everyone first.

Thursday and being a secretary kind of sucked. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be but only because it wasn't as busy as I thought it would be. I was very anxious any time a call came in and often stuttered as I answered the phone. I couldn't seem to please anyone with the answers that I was giving and kept getting questions I couldn't answer and had no one to ask the answers of. I did 3 hours in the morning and 1 1/2 in the afternoon and then another half hour today. Bleh, I don't like it. Though I made it very clear to my boss how much I didn't like it and so I think she will avoid giving me the job if possible in the future. Which I totally appreciate!!

Wednesday night after I left my nanny job I noticed it was only 6pm which meant I had time to drive across town to check out the wed night group at Living Streams where I go now. The group didn't start until 7 but I got there early at 6:30. I went to where we were meeting which was in a room in the basement. I had never been down there before and it was just a big mostly empty room with some couches in a circle. No one was there yet so I sat down on a couch and picked up a bible sitting on a table near by. I flipped through and stopped on Psalm 118. This Psalm starts with "Give thanks to the Lord, His love endures forever." I read through the whole chapter and then started going through each verse just praying it to the Lord. It really was the perfect chapter for me to select because it is all about thanking God and trusting Him to get you through anything. By the time I was done praying it was like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I felt so at peace with the Lord and the only thing I was sad about was why I hadn't done it sooner.

The group met and although I don't want to go into details the Holy Spirit used the time to confirm to me that He is my strength. As I got in my car afterwards I noticed what a change that had been made. When I drove to church I was depressed. I sat with my head against the headrest, slouched, not really listening to music or paying attention to anything. I was sad and wasn't even sure I wanted to go to church because I "wasn't in the mood." But after I go back to my car I a laughing, I am singing along to the music (praise music of course) just happy. It is just a reminder of how important it is to go to God about everything. I wonder if instead of coming home after I got the text and watching some sad movie if I had gone straight to the Lord in prayer if this week would have been different. I think so.

...

This evening my younger brother came over and apologize. My sister had read my blog and decided to give him a call. He didn't even know I had a blog, which I knew when I posted about this. Though I am thankful for her stepping in. I didn't know how to handle it and am glad it is more resolved now. The conversation wasn't all roses because of course it is a difficult situation. But hopefully we will move past this and before we know it it won't be so much stress between us. I don't regret renting my house to him and his girlfriend. We had both planned for a better ending but that is life, it doesn't always work out how you want it to.


So thank you, thank you, thank you for all of your prayers! I really appreciate them. Although I am on prozac sometimes I just...have a hard time. So to my family and friends who read this Thank You.

It continues

I felt so numb today. I just shut down my emotions sometimes and then, nothing. I walk through my day just doing not...I don't know how to describe it, living. Then at work it was decided that I have to be the secretary while the secretaries are in a training. So four hours tomorrow I have to take the calls that come into the school. I don't want to. Not at all. It was clear no wasn't an option but I made it very clear I have no desire to do it. I once helped a temp agency with the phones and lets just say I was advised to never answer phones again. It is kind of silly because I spent 10 years in call centers on the phone but it is different. At call centers I spend at least a week in training learning how to answer everything they might ask. But here I am just kind of thrown on the phones. I think they ignore my concern because they think it is so easy and maybe they are right. Maybe I am freaking out a little too much. I had like a 2.5 min quick run through and told I would be bored and should bring a book. But seriously I am so willing to do the most random things and yet I have no desire to do the secretary position. So I am already having a hard day and then I have to deal with something I have no desire to do. Bleh.. Oh and I totally lost the food battle tonight. After eating a full dinner I just ate half a tub of ice cream. Tomorrow will be better, well ok maybe thursday. Thursday will be better. :)

Do you know...

Does he know how much that hurt me? Was that what he really meant to do? Does he really hate me that much? My younger brother said something that was just mean. He was upset and I understand that he is upset but what he said wasn't even true. At first when I got the text riddled with curse words in caps, which he knows I don't curse. I couldn't believe it, I just laughed. I tried play it off in my head, he is just mad. He just has to be angry with someone and I am it right now.

I went home and try to ignore it. Tried to brush it off but I am a sensitive person and it hurt. His words pierced my heart with a sword. I had planned to keep it to myself, to not bring others into but I couldn't help it. I had to make sure that I wasn't be delusional, I mean could it be my fault? Did I do something wrong? Should I just disappear? I was assured that no what he said was not true and more than that what could they offer me.

So I sit here and my brain and my body want to go to its natural responses. First to depression, I want to slit my wrists. I want to hurt myself because that pain would at least make sense. When I push that away next up is my food addiction. All I can think about is eating. I am not hungry but I just want to eat and eat and eat. Because food will make me numb so I don't feel the pain. I have to be honest I am kind of proud that I did neither of those two. I tried to think that there must be healthy ways to deal with this pain. What would a healthy person do but then the only things that came to mind were cleaning or exercising. But it is late, I have work tomorrow. I can stay up cleaning my bathroom or rearranging my house. Even now I watch the clock tick by and I know that I need to wake up early tomorrow.

I know this pain isn't going to go away with a quick fix like food or cleaning. I know that he is just hurt right now and in a tough spot. But my heart still hurts and aches that somewhere inside he knows that I am not the bad guy. That I love him and care about him so very much.

It makes me think about the fights I used to have with my big sister or back long ago with my mom. Did I ever make them feel like I do now? I wish I could say a definite no but I feel like maybe I did. Maybe I let those cruel words slip from my mouth that I knew would hurt them because I wanted them to hurt like I was hurting.

I know this will pass but for now it feels like too much.

Lunchables

Lunches are always so complicated for me. I hate morning so often times from when i get out of bed to when I leave the house is about 20 min. I figured out breakfast, I have some granola bars that a grab on the way out the door. But many times out the door I don't stop to get something for lunch. Often times I grab something here or there or go out to eat. It is never healthy and many times I come home starving. From time to time I come up with different idea's and hopefully for now this will work well.

I decided to make my own little lunchables. The idea came when I had a coupon for an "adult" lunchable. It had a sandwhich, crackers, and jello. But the original price on that is $5. I was sure I could do the same thing but at a much lower rate. I went to Sam's club and got some sandwhich thins, lunch meat, cheese, pringles, fruit, and crackers/cookies. I was just trying to figure out the calories and I realize that it is almost 600 calories per bag, so probably too much. But I will probably have some as snacks, that would be a lot of food to eat at once.

So below are a couple pictures I took of me preparing everything. I ended up doing a total 15 bags, that's when I ran out of meat. The rest I put aside to save for the next time I do some packs. It did end up filling up my fridge so that is a little weird. So we will see how it all goes.

Couponing

I have wanted to try this coupon thing for awhile, even before I heard about the show Extreme Couponing. Though that just spured my desire. About a month ago www.livingsocial.com had a deal in Phoenix to get Sunday and Wednesday paper for 6 months for $20. I thought hey why not, this is my oppurtunity to see if I could/would use coupons to my advantage. I have been getting the paper for about a month and have clipped plenty of coupons and used maybe a handful. This week I sat down with the paper and decided I would try it. Could I use coupons to get things that I use at a good deal?

After looking through my Walgreens and CVS ads I decided to stick with CVS. I seem to prefer them generally anyways. I found the coupons that matched and even pulled a few from a few weeks ago for what I want. Here is how my list went.

New Dial NutriSkin Lotion Sale price $3.88 - $2 coupon
Hydro 3 Razor (which turns out is for men but I figure I can use it too)
Price $8 - $4 coupon and then $4 off next purchase
Hydro 3 Razor Refill Price $8 - $2 coupon and then $4 off next purchase
John Frieda Hair Repair sale price $8 - $5 coupon
John Frieda Shampoo sale price $5 - $2 coupon
plus for John Frieda purchase $3 off next purchase
Tic Tacs Sale buy 2 get 3rd for 1c - $0.75 coupon

In the same purchase I also bought some photos for $10.61 which were not on sale so they kind of throw off everything.

So before tax total cost is $36.38 with an original cost of $67.36. That is a total savings of $30.98 and $18.75 was directly from coupons. Plus $11 off my next purchase at CVS. On my way home I realized I should have purchased everything but the photo's then had the photo's rung up separately so I could get those free but either way I will eventually get the $11 off. So not so bad.

I didn't need anything I bought today, at least not right now. But all of the things I was going to need soon. I bought fancier brand names then I would normally purchase and one of the hair care products was a frill. Oh and I don't eat tic tac's so I am not sure why I got those. But overall that was pretty cool and it was interesting to see what a savings I could get. I figure with the $11 calculated in then I got 2/3 of the price off.

The biggest thing I notice is that often times it is the same things, lotions, razors, and hair care stuff that I could save this way. Although yes I do continually use these products I don't need to buy them weekly. I think that is some of the problem I see on Extreme Couponing. The people just keep buying because it is a great deal even if they don't need it. Obviously I didn't get anything for free and if it was free then sure I could donate it but any way I look at it, seems like coupon's can provide a good savings and it didn't take me much time at all.

Gone but not forgotten

It is too early for this post because my body still feels numb. And yet here I am posting it anyways. It is now 2:30 pm here in Arizona and my sister and her family have now left the state (or close to it.) They are moving to Illinois to be closer to Kalvin and Garrett's dad and closer to Justice and Isaiah. You may not know who they are but they are family. It was the right thing and what had to happen for my sister's immediate family to be all together.

She asked me to come with her a couple times and I prayed about it and thought about it and did my research and it just wasn't the right thing for me. But now as I sit here on my couch I don't know how I am going to survive with out them. It just hurts so much.

I have babysat my nephews on the weekends for at least the last seven years. I have seen my youngest nephew Tirso every single week of his life and now...now I won't see him. And he is only 3 1/2 so he won't understand when this Saturday comes around why Angela isn't going to be coming to spend the day with him. ...

I am going to go out there in August. It will be the first opportunity I will have a week off. I don't really know how I am going to afford it but I don't really care at this point. I just have to double check the week with the woman I nanny for and then I will book the tickets. I guess it will be the worst month to go out there being so humid and sticky and I will probably be eaten alive by mosquitos but I don't care, I can't wait till October when the weather is nicer. That is just too far away.

So it is my sister driving the van with the dog and Tirso and then Josh is driving a 24' Budget truck with a full size trailer with his car on it behind the truck. The two teenagers Kalvin and Garrett will switch between riding with April or Josh over the three days. They only had the mattresses, mirrors, and wall pictures to pack but still had to clean 3-4 more rooms before they left. So hopefully they didn't get too late of a start today so that it won't take more than three days. Though who knows how slow going the truck and trailer will be. I am constantly praying for them though. For safety and that the kids are occupied (hopefully with sleep since they didn't get much the last couple days.)

I keep thinking about why I stayed. Mostly it was about money. I am currently living in my dad's house and trying to pay off my debt and that really wouldn't work there. I could crash with them for awhile but I would have to get my own place and right now that just isn't the best plan. I have to get myself out from under this debt mess and then I can think about moving. I just feel so lost as to what is next in my life. My sister is gone and I currently only have one friend that talks to me and she is moving away soon too. And I am not committed to my jobs and I like my new church but it's not like I have made any real friends that I would hang out with outside of church there. I know that part of this is my frustrations and depression from my sister leaving. I need to give myself a little time and then look at my life again. Because right now I am looking at my life while standing in a deep hole but there is no perspective here.