Offensive?

Today I went to Chick-fil-a for lunch. I was craving one of their chicken sandwich's and a coupon for a free one. As I go I can not help but think of the recent controversy concerning this restaurant. Because I enjoy the food does that mean I hold a certain belief? With my sandwich I bought a large drink and took it with me to work. As I am driving to work with it I again ask myself what this cup represents. At school I do extended day in a classroom and I know that they teacher is gay. So will bringing in this cup offend her? It is such a silly question. It is just a cup. It was just a lunch. Now I wonder if someone may be offended by such silliness.

I sit here in class with my drink. Knowing that if she asked I would simply say, it is just a cup.

Short Monday

     I went to bed early last night, I was asleep by 10:30pm. This was done with the help of a melatonin pill. I really want to get on a day schedule but all last week was not going to bed till 2 or 3 in the morning. So the only way I know to quickly rotate is to take melatonin to help me fall asleep sooner. The problem is I slept till noon today. Not what I was hoping. It may have been because it was the first time in a long time I took the melatonin but may have also been because I have a slight cold right now. Probably a combination of both.
    My tentative schedule for each day is to do school work in the morning, exercise early afternoon and then go to work in late afternoon. (If you remember I start work at 4pm.) It turned out, due to the holiday next Monday, I don't have access to my classes yet. I did get in 30 minutes of cardio. I switched between using my Gazelle and stair stepping. I was pouring out sweat by the end. I did this while watching Hulu. Have you seen the show Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss edition? I watched it last year and so it has been popping up in my queue this summer. I have not watched it, probably because I didn't want to think about my weight. So I figure this is the perfect time to watch it. So I put on an episode and had the goal to exercise till the end. I made it 35 minutes through. I am pretty proud of myself seeing that I haven't exercised in forever.
     I am a little concerned about my eating. I am not really hungry and my eating is off. I had eaten breakfast at noon when I woke up. I considered eating after exercising but didn't feel hungry so I didn't. Got a little hungry at work and so I ate when I got home. That was at 6:30 or so and here it is 10:30, 4 hours later and I am going to bed instead of eating. Now part of that is because I am trying to change my sleep schedule. But some days when I am awake a normal number of hours I don't really eat because I am not really hungry. Don't get me wrong, I totally crave food all the time but I am trying to only eat when I am actually hungry. So I need to start making myself eat more. I know that my body needs it even if it isn't telling me.

Organizing

      When my mind is muddled my physical life gets muddled too. So now that I am feeling a little more clear the mess around me is becoming more and more of a nuisance. So now I am working on not just cleaning the stacks of things that have found themselves on my floor and table. While working on these spots I also decided to tackle two other projects that needed to get done.  

      The first is the desk in my room. It tends to become the stopping ground for a wide variety of things. In addition when I buy new earring or hair accessories they have no home so on the desk they go. This has been frustrating because of course I can not find anything. With my new addiction to pinterest I have been inspired. So I am slowly changing things around. I wish I had taken a before picture, it was awful. Now it looks nice.

     I bought a jewelry tree from Bed, Bath and Beyond that I store my bracelets and earrings on. I bought a small lazy suzan from Target and used duct tape to add some color to it. I put all of my bottles on this, I have plenty of hair gel spray’s I use. 

     I have also hung a ribbon down the mirror on my desk that I have attached my hair clips to. 

      For my headbands I took two rolls of toilet paper stacked on top of each other. Then I wrapped a bandana I got for $1 at Micheals around it. I need to get a flower to put on the top of it to make it look a little nicer. The toilet paper rolls were the right size for most of them but a few were a little too large. I made it work anyways. Two other idea’s on pinterest were to use an empty cleaning wipes container, this is smaller around and would work great for kids headbands or a paper towel roll. I may end up switching to the paper towel roll which I believe will be a little bigger then the toilet paper.

      Second I am tackling my cubes. When I first got and filled them they were cute. I had a few boxes and a few empty cubes to add knick knacks to. Now I use all the room and things are unorganized. I bought a few more cloth boxes to add to the cubes. I went through separating and throwing out things I haven’t used in forever. I added labels and now things are much easier to find.

      

      At the age of thirty I have realized I have no interest in makeup. However I really love to decorate my nails. I used to have all of my polishes on a tiered shelf (the one I now use for pills.) My collection had grown so large that I could no longer add any new and often they would all come tumbling down. I again turned to pinterest for a solution. The idea I most loved was getting a spice rack and attaching it to a wall. You can then place all of your nail polishes on the spice rack placing them both out of the way and easy to choose a color. I don’t feel the walls in my house are secure enough (an old house with many creaks) so I went with another option. At Target I bought a stackable tub. There are two levels, though I only use the one right now. It is tall enough to let the nail polish stand up in the container. The websites and video’s I saw recommend this said you could see the colors because you are looking straight down and can see the sides. This depends on the brand but I think it works well enough. 

Higher Power and Made to Crave

            I don’t know about you but when things start going crazy in my life I stop worrying about what I am eating. Thoughts about whether or not I am exercising do not enter into my mind. In fact when I start worrying about my weight I know that I am feeling better. About a week ago I stepped on the scale for the first time in over a month to see how I was doing. I am fluctuating around 280, which is not bad. In fact really close to where I was. After Wednesday when I made my final decision about work and school I naturally started thinking about starting to eat healthier.

            Ok the truth is I started thinking about it Tuesday night. Six months ago I started attending a Celebrate Recovery group. It takes the basic principals and twelve steps of AA and adds in a lot more God. So instead of “Higher Power we actually say Jesus Christ. Meeting start and end with prayers, not just the serenity prayer like AA. The other thing is that it is for all types of issues. Many go for alcohol and drug issues. But sexual addictions, co-dependence are also issues. When I started going I said I was there for overeating and low-self esteem. As weeks went on I started saying I was there for depression as well, a common statement from attendees. For a few weeks there I only stated for depression because that was why I had gone that night. Where I attend men and women meet in different rooms. We start together in a big group and then separate into smaller groups where we go through books that help us go through the 12 AA steps and the 8 biblical principles. This Tuesday in opening I said I was there for depression but as we went through the questions later I started realizing some food issues I was having.

            Tuesday night after work I went to Fry’s where I bought snickers ice cream bars, jello, cool whip, and a bag of sour cream and onion potato chips. I ate three of the snickers bars for dinner before going to my meeting. I had had a stressful encounter with my boss and that resulted in this binge eating purchase. The book was asking questions about  what have you given control of over to God? What haven’t you? Why not? I knew immediately as I read the question that food. I have not given control of food to God. But why not?

            My sister-in-law had checked the book “Made To Crave” out from the library and I had borrowed it last Saturday to read it. The tagline on the book describes it best “Satisfying your deepest desire with God, not food.” I had wanted to read the book for months now but never got around to it. I got it from my sil Saturday and then Saturday night during service they announce that two women will be leading a group through the bible study that goes along with this book. I was slow at reading the book this week. I would watch tv or play on pinterest instead. Then these last two days I really picked it up to read the book. At first I thought maybe I was struggling because I didn’t like the writing. I stuck with the book because I was still considering the class at church. This evening I realized that the problem is me. I don’t want to hear that God wants to help me through this struggle. I don’t want to hear that I might be using food instead of going to God with my problems. That I might be putting food above God. These are all things that I have heard, that I know. But it doesn’t make it any easier to hear.

            As I have attended Celebrate Recovery meetings I have realized how much my food really is an addiction like alcohol or drugs can be. Part of me feels bad when I say this. Like I am dismissing how bad alcohol and drugs are. The consequences are different, the results to the body are different but the addiction is the same. I have heard from women who have been sober for years that say that everyday is a challenge. They go to parties where alcohol is there and they have to choose to make the right choice. They slip up sometimes and they have to start all over to get sober again. All of these are true with food. Everyday I have to make good choices. When I go out I have to decide to eat healthy. If I mess up I need to start again the next day not just give up.

            The next eight months as I better myself by finishing school and learning how to budget regularly I also need to better my health. So here’s to our health. ‘clink’

Work

For ten years I worked for companies because they paid me well. They gave me the money I wanted to go do as I pleased. It of course was never enough and I would spend my raises or bonuses before I even got them. Literally, I have the credit card debt to prove it. Three years ago I switched to what I love, working with children. I was inspired to go back to school, even though I was so fearful of it.

Change is never easy which means the idea of change is terrifying. (At least for me.) But when I started feeling under appreciated in my job I felt like I had no choice. That if they did not want me then I would go somewhere that would. So I searched for a new place. I was selective and applied to five places (all in childcare.) Three called me back within 24 hours. I called one back and went through a phone interview and in person interview. I waited for them to check my three references. Then when I got the call to come in again and bring in all of my paperwork (social security card, diploma, fingerprint clearance card, etc) I freaked. See I had been going back and forth, back and forth in my head. I prayed constantly about it. I tried to convince others to make the decision for me. See because I was faced with two clear cut choices.

1. Stay where I am working 12.5 hours, take out student loans, and work odd babysitting jobs to make up the financial difference. All so that I could finish in two semesters.

2. Change jobs so I can work 30-40 hours and have no student loans. Only go to school part time, so it would be 1 1/2 to 2 years to graduate.

I decided on option 1. I had been leaning toward it the whole time but it is scary. I have to follow a budget which I am not good at. I will be taking 15 credits per semester, which is huge! But it is not like changing jobs is easy. You never know what awaits you in that new position and what you thought may not be what you are actually thinking.

The next 8-10 months will be hard but I know that I will get through them. I don't know what I will do once I have my AAS but I know getting the degree is what I need to do right now. I can tell you that having the stress of work off my shoulders feels great. Oh, did I mention I work for the same company but transferred to a different location. So now I work independently which for right now is a really good thing.