Silver lining

I have been happy lately, like actually happy. I don't think I have blogged about my new job. I now work part time for a private charter school helping during lunch and after school with preschool kids. It works perfect because I am not a morning person and I don't have to be there till 11:30 and then I get off by 6pm (usually 5:30) which gives me my evenings. It pays decent and I love the kids. It is great. I do have this two hour break in the middle, lunch is from 11:30 to 1 and then after school is 3 - 6. I live about 15 min away so I have decided to stay in the break room and read. I have been getting a little antsy during this two hours but I have also been reading a boring biography so that hasn't helped. I switch to a new book tomorrow so that should be better. I haven't read the Twilight series and have been told it is a must read.

So I don't know if it is the job and knowing I can pay my bills or actually I have started taking my "happy" pills again which helps mellow my high and low moods. My bet is on the pills. But either way I love being happy, its nice.

Anyways, today I was driving to work and I always drive with the windows down except if I am on the freeway or the heat is just too bad. So my window was down and I went to put it up when I got to the freeway, it did not go up. It made the noises but no movement. I was so mad!! See you probably know this but in case you don't or to refresh your memory. I had a car I bought in 2000 when it was 2 years old, it was a '98 Nissan Sentra. I was 18 and it was my baby. Then I totaled the car, had no money and with what the insurance paid to me I could only afford '95 Nissan Sentra, 3 years older but this new one was automatic and had power windows neither of which the old car had. The car is a clunker. It has some part wrong that isn't "life threatening" (which is required with the lemon law) but it does mean my check engine light is always on. Also the front passenger window does not go down, but I knew that when I bought it. Since then the internal light went out, my right speaker went out, the ac only works sometimes and often stalls the car when being used, and although all tires have great tread 1 likes to go flat needing to be filled every 2 weeks, a second goes flat over 1 month period and the spare tire doesn't hold air at all. Which would be fine if I had some sort of expendable cash to fix them but I don't so I just deal with it.

So when the window went down and wouldn't go up I was so mad. I wanted to just scream!! I hate this stupid car! But instead I took a breath and was happy it was just a window and not a tire blowing out or my engine failing. The car works, the doors work that is all that I need. I decided to ignore it. I tried to look up info online about how I could fix it or the cost. It appears to be at least $200 and the details were very lengthy so I couldn't do it on my own. I was sitting here watching tv and I start to hear the wind blow, I go to the window and I can smell the rain coming. I can't leave the window down, my car will be soaked. I don't know what to do, find plastic I guess to cover the window, but what do I use. But somehow (praise the Lord) I was clear headed enough to not freak out and just stopped, walked over to my brother and told the situation and asked for help. He goes, "The window won't move? Pull it into the light for me and I will see what I can do." It is like 10:30 at night he is not only in the middle of a movie but also working on a painting and he just stops and helps me pull apart my car to fix the window. It turned out he just had to remove 8 screws partially pull off the inside of the door and then we were able to pull up the window. I am so happy!!! I don't need the window to work, I need my car to be dry.

But this just reminds how much I blessed to have a car that works and more importantly a family that really loves me. I always take them for granted but especially in the last several months while I felt like world was crashing down on me they have all been there to help hold up the walls while I got to my feet. I don't know why I have always taken them for granted or I don't know... not realized that they are there for me when I need them. So family, if you read this. Thanks! Thank you for being awesome when I sometimes go totally crazy and can't think straight. Thanks for just being there for me you all rock!

Pain and Faith

I don't understand, and honestly I hope I never have to. I don't understand what it feels like to have your children half way across the country from you . How it feels when you have to drive them to the airport and put them on a plane where your ex/their other parent is going to pick them up. And I certainly don't know what is like for the children.

My sister has 5 children; 3 she gave birth to and 2 that her 2nd husband brought to the family. I love all five the same and all of them are amazing kids. I have been watching Justice and Isaiah for at least 20 hours a week since they flew into phoenix in mid-June. Today they flew back to Illinois where they live with there mother for the school year.

I knew this last weekend was my last with them. Normally we don't do anything exciting; I am always broke and it is too hot outside so we just hang out inside the house. But they were leaving so I kind of wanted a little different. They hate me because I always make them eat sandwiches for lunch (I still haven't figured out what they eat the rest of the week) but sandwiches they hate. So on Sunday after church we went to McDonalds and I let them play in the playplace for a half hour, which of course was not enough. But Tirso is too young for it and he was getting antsy seeing them play and he couldn't, so it was time to go.

I had brought my camera along, I wanted to take some pictures before they left. So between watching Mr Magoriams Wonder Emporium and playing on the computer I took over 150 shots. Its digital and I always prefer more to less plus the kids love posing and making funny faces. After every shot they run over to see how it looks. We were having a great time, dancing to music and having fun. By the evening when we were all tired of posing, and the camera battery was about dead as well. I notice that Justice is sad. I know she is leaving in 2 days and I can only imagine what is going on in her head. Sad she hasn't seen her mom in 3 months, sad to be leaving dad, just sad. I know there is nothing I can say to make anything better and so I just sit with her.

On monday night I finally get around to plugging in the camera to go through the photo's. As I go through them enhancing, getting rid of red eye, and rotating I notice something. I can see it now only with the photo's I have captured of those moments. I think back and I don't remember seeing this and wonder how I missed it. But in many photo's I see that her eyes are red and she is fighting back tears. I see the photo's and they make me want to cry. I love her so much, I hate to see her in this pain. I feel so bad I delete the photo's because these moments I have captured are no ones to see. They are private and painful. Even this post I worry is too much information.

I have learned not to and so I try not to ask "why." Why God would allow such pain for a child. I think it is the pain I myself suffered as a child as to why I take such offense to even a child in a movie being harmed. I know and trust that God will not give this child more that she can handle. That he is simply preparing her and strengthening her for the future he has in store for her. But right now as she has to change her life again I know that she is pain and all I can do is pray. Pray for her and her brother, for her parents, and for the new parents and siblings that also are part of this. And then I just praise the Lord for being blessed to know these two amazing and beautiful children.

I miss church

I go to church twice a week and yet I miss it. On wed I work with the kids program, I have for years so that is pretty normal. It has been a little extra stressful for the summer but only few weeks left and then back to actual normal.

The difference is sunday mornings. Normally I have bible study and then go to service. I normally help out once a month in nursery once a month. For the summer a couple of the teachers were taking vacation and they needed someone to help out during sunday school hour in nursery and toddlers. So on the 5th I was in nursery, that week I found out that my nephew screams the hole time in nursery so during service my mind was elsewhere. Then on the 12th I was in toddlers, service was good that day. I was going to go back to class on the 19th but my nephew got sick so we stayed home. Then last week on the 26th I helped in toddlers again, however I was feeling sick the whole time and went home instead of to service. This week I am supposed to go back to class again but now I have a cold, a cold I probably spread to my niece and nephews which will make them contagious tomorrow. I think it will depend on how I feel and if the drugs I bought will work. I had realized that last night, that I might again not make it to church. It feels like satan is attacking me.

But even before that I was distracted. I don't know how parents can concentrate during class. With Tirso screaming the whole time, and Isaiah won't listen to anyone, and Justice I don't worry about unless Garrett's around and then I worry that they will start fighting or ditch or something annoying. The eldest is no problem, he doesn't like it but isn't as whiny as the others. Don't get me wrong I love them all and I am glad they are learning stuff at church. But I miss learning stuff. It was only a month so I am kind of surprised that I feel so distant. But maybe I should sit and read my bible instead of sit here blog about this.

Imaginary Vacation

I am planning an imaginary vacation. Well, actually, I am planning two imaginary vacations but working on the details of only one right now. I want to travel, I have this deep seated need to travel. I hate that I haven't traveled very much. Ok, actually I know I have traveled more others have. I have been blessed to have gone to both Maui, HI and Disney World plus multiple trips closer to home in CA and Vegas. But that's like 4 states out 50 and besides Mexico I haven't left the country. And yes my cruise to Mexico was great and another opportunity that others haven't had but I want more. So I know I am broke right now but I have a little time on my hands and so I am planning a couple of road trips across and around the United States. But because I can't say when I will go I am calling them imaginary vacations. It makes me feel better about them instead of saying I am planning a vacation I am not going on.

The first trip is up the west coast. I have previously discussed my affinity of Seattle and so I need to get there. The trip starts here in Phoenix, goes through LA and up Hwy 1. After hitting Seattle I continue north to Vancouver, Canada and across over to Calgary. From there I go south hitting as many states as I can, Montana, Idaho, Utah, Wyoming, Colorado, and then down through four corners to get back to Phoenix. It looks like it is aprox 85 hours of driving and I think, with time to see stuff in every state I can do it in 13 nights, 14 very full days. I have worked out a general time line and now am looking to see if I actually left myself enough time in each city. Because it is imaginary I can be pretty flexible but because I do hope that one day I can take the trip I am trying to not make the trip too long and the time frames actually work.

The second trip is from Phoenix to Washington D.C. Like my trip to Seattle in this one I would go past D.C. on to Atlantic City, NJ so I can see the Atlantic Ocean and then back again. I thought I new the route but after reading a USA travel guide I think I would prefer Memphis, TN to Nashville, TN so I might make some changes. On the way back I will go through the southern states making sure to stop in New Orleans along the way. When I looked at some general numbers it appears this trip is about the same physical distance as trip 1 but I haven't mapped it all out yet. It would be great if this one was also 14 days but I have a feeling it will be longer.

I am just having fun. Planning vacations, looking at the time and cost of it all. I know that if I start getting frustrated that it is only "imaginary" is the time that I will stop. But for now I love it. I get out my Road Atlas, my USA travel guide, my notebook, my post its and dots, I open my computer and work my way along the road. I research places to stop and take pictures, where to stay and what to eat, and what fun and crazy things can I do. Actually I have fun dilemma, I only have so much time in San Francisco so the Alcatraz tour and then Peir 39 to see sea lions and stop Bubba Gumps for lunch but then I can either walk across the Golden Gate Bridge or go take the tour at the Jelly Belly company. That is a hard decision! And then I try to figure out maybe I can do the bridge the day before but the day before is already packed. And if I leave any later then I won't have sunlight to take pics further up the coast. So I write out post it notes about both activities leave them on the Day 3 page and move on. It is imaginary, I can decide later. :) See how fun imaginary is, no stress about an actual decision since they doesn't actually have to be made right now.

I know its a little weird. And when I start a conversation with my brother with "So while I was planning my imaginary vacation..." he always looks at me like I am crazy. I don't really mind though because I am totally a planner. I need to plan out everything, I've have been getting better about that for vacations but its hard because I don't want to miss something. I don't think on my own I could be totally spontaneous, I would probably live if somebody took me on a vacation spontaneously or didn't tell me where we were going so I couldn't plan; but I would have to really trust them. But actually thinking about it, when i got there I would totally try to start planning things. For instance my brother got in the car and just drove one day; up and around and through several states. He didn't know where he was going, didn't really have a plan just went. I couldn't do that. I don't think either way is the "right" way, they are just different. Whatever makes you feel most comfortable on your vacation.

So I will keep planning my imaginary vacations. Maybe I will blog again when I have more details; the cost of trip 1 or what states in trip 2.

Dress shopping and the stomach flu

My sister is getting married on saturday and I am part of the "wedding party." This also means I need to coordinate with everyone. So I was advised the color they were wearing was yellow. I was shown the Justice's dress (Josh's daughter) and I was to go find something suitable, my sister of course not wanting me to spend too much as I am unemployed. We had discussed that a blouse and skirt would be fine. I was having problems finding a dress so I e-mailed her with some blouse options that I thought would work. At first she said she didn't care so I ordered a blouse. Then she came back that she would prefer a dress, so figured hey cute new top no big deal and went in search for the dress. There was much strife over this. With the colors in mind and then dealing with the very minimal amount of dresses in my size became trouble. At one point I thought I found the perfect dress, I even ordered it. And then the next day they called back to say they didn't have it in my size after all. Turned out it was on clearance at the stores so none of the 4 stores in town had my size either. After much frustration, mostly at the size of my own body, my sister-in-law came to my rescue. She had links to several plus size clothing sites I could try. I sent the three options I found over to April for her opinion and then ordered a dress.

I knew I had to pay for expedited shipping but didn't want to pay to much. I figured 3-6 business days wouldn't be bad. It then took them 3 days to ship it and then a full 6 days from there. It was scheduled to arrive on Wed. On Mon the blouse I ordered arrived, it is actually quite awful. It is definitely going back and I am glad I had already been looking in a new direction. I was just worried because what if the dress was bad as well.

This next part seems a little off topic but important to the story. Early Tue morning I became very sick with the stomach flu. My sister and family had it the previous week and I must have picked it up while babysitting at her house over the weekend. So all day tue was spent either in bed or the bathroom. I was able to sleep through tue night and woke up around 9am wed. I still was not feeling well with a big pit in my stomach and just went to lay on the couch. Around 10am my dress arrived. I opened up the package and the dress smelled awful, which I know washes out but I also notice how very thin the dress is. It had a liner but a very thin one. It was very low cut but I already new from the pic I would have to wear a tank with it. But sitting up looking at the dress was too much for me and I had to lay back down. A few hours later I tried it on. The dress was definitely going to need a slip, if I could see my undies while in my poorly lighted bedroom it wasn't going to work while I was standing out in the day light in front of a 100 people. The other problem was the top, it doesn't really fit my big boobs. So with the tank I wanted to wear it doesn't cover enough. I have another white tank but it has this lace on it that just wouldn't work. I realize that I have to go out and get something different or something that will make this dress work.

I tried to get up several times but I just felt awful even sitting up and the thought of going out to try on clothes was just painful. But around 4pm I did it anyways. What I stupid mistake. I went to Avenue to look at a couple of dresses and slips. I tried on the dresses (both were way worse than the one I had) and I kind of thought about trying on a slip but then just left. I stopped at both JcPenny and Target to check for a shirt or tank that would work. Target had nothing and JcPenny only had these tanks that I already have some of. Not the white ones I tried on but I have some in other colors to wear out. So I had the dress with me and more than once I told myself I should try the dress and the white tank on but I didn't.

So here I am many hours later. Have some food in me and I am more hydrated. I tried the dress on with one of the tanks I have and realize it is perfect if I had it in white. So tomorrow I have to go back to JcPenny and get the tank and unless they have a slip in my size also go back to Avenue to get the slip the slip I was looking at. I knew I shouldn't have gone out and that I had a couple more days but I just wanted to get it done and make it work.

I don't know how parents do it. My sister was sick with the same thing but she still had kids to take care of, planning and shopping for the wedding, and even showed up to her shower feeling bad. I couldn't even buy the things I knew I needed to buy. I had actually stopped at the grocery store to buy 4 things and even that took all kinds of concentration, though it was at the end of my 1 1/2 hr shopping trip so I was extra woozy then. But seriously mad props to any mother out there who can do all there normal stuff while totally sick.

Oh, and if you want to take a look at the dress it is at this link http://www.alight.com/10112736.html . I am now a little worried about how white it is but my sister approved so it must be ok. I may bring a back up outfit in case she sees me in it and freaks. Just a little piece of my paranoia special for you.

Moving

I feel like a liar. This evening (morning) as I spoke with my younger brother I made it sound so positive about me moving. I discuss all of the positive things, and there are some. But in reality it is awful and I hate it! I want to dig my heels into the ground and make you drag me out of my home.

I am moving from 1200 sq ft to about 350 sq ft. As I pack my things knowing that I have to get rid of...well it feels like almost everything. There is no room for anything. So I pack some and then make bags for goodwill and bags full of trash. I feel pain as I do this but I compartmentalize it. I see the pain attached to the item that must be discarded as I have no use for it and so before touching it I quickly push away the pain and the sadness and quickly move it on. Some things I stop and look at deciding if, just maybe I have the room. I have now gone through many of the boxes once and (because I know I have way to many boxes already) will go through them again sorting out more "memories" to discard. I remind myself that I still have the memory even if I do not have the item and this helps long enough to throw out a few more things.

I at one point actually got upset when I realized I do not have room for my 4 foot stuffed snowman named murry and I cried. I knew almost immediately this is silly and it probably just the last straw kind of thing. The part I really don't think I will make it through is my cats. I have tried and tried to find someone to take them but it is kitten season and so there is no room or want for any of my cats. I was so sure I would find a shelter for them but there isn't any. I still have them listed on craigslist but there are so many cats there I don't wonder why no one has noticed mine. So there is only one option left, the pound. In case you don't realize what that means it means I am going to pay someone $35 per cat to kill my cats. Two of the cats I have only had about a year, they are the sweetest cats and are declawed and I really wish this wasn't there fate but I can handle that. The real problem is Penny. I have such emotional ties to Penny. See I got Penny before my mom died and before my grandmother died. I remember getting her at my grandparents property up north, she was the runt of the litter. I named her Penny because that day I got her (she was just weeks old) I had this whole conversation with my grandmother about pennies. I don't remember exactly but I think she was dropping some on the ground and I thought that was weird because it was just the middle of the property. And then I remember on the way home and mom was driving and I held the kitten the whole time. And then I let it walk around on the floor board not realizing that there was a whole to the engine, the kitten almost walked into the engine because I wasn't thinking. I try to remind myself she is just a cat and there are a 100 more to replace this one when I am able to have one but I have had her for 8 years, she is my baby. My sister did offer to take Penny in but I don't know. I don't know how she will be around my sisters dog and then my sister has another cat and penny always dominates and will that just drive me more crazy just visiting her once a week. And I don't want my sister doing it because she feels bad for me. And...I don't know. And I don't know if I am strong enough to take them down there tomorrow. I had called a shelter to see if they had any room and when she called back she started giving me this guilt trip about taking them to the pound, like as if I needed that, and I was trying to be nice but all I wanted to do was yell at her for being so insensitive. They are just cats.

So I will focus on packing my stuff. I need to have everything packed by friday evening even though I am not moving till monday. On friday night I am scrapbooking, then Sat and Sun during the day I am babysitting, and on sat night there is a party I want to go to. So sun night I will get all my last min stuff packed and I really need to clean several rooms before the move too. It is kind of weird since my brother and I are switching houses there is no time in between. It will probably be best to load my stuff, transfer it over and then load up his stuff to bring over here, he has a lot less stuff than I do. I was supposed to ask a friend if I could borrow his trailer to help with the move but I haven't yet. I meant to on wed night when I saw him but I didn't have the time. Without a trailer it may take 3 loads with my dads truck and that is just my furniture, I would probably need to move all the boxes in cars. I think my dad and brothers are all helping. And then my sister and family should be able to help as well so I think I am covered. I am leaving about half of my furniture, ok maybe a third of my furniture here since I have no room and my brother may be able to use it; so that helps with the move.

I can't believe it is already thursday, I feel like I still have so much to pack before I go. Though I seem to have saved books and my kitchen for last. Both pretty big projects. The kitchen stuff won't really need to be used so it is just making sure it is all stored safely for the unknown amount of time I won't be using it. 

I think that is about it for now. Probably won't update again till after the move. Let you know how it all works out.

New Fork in the Road

I wouldn't like the job! I just keep telling myself that. ... I had a friend who works in HR at this retirement community. I wasn't sure what position I was really applying for. I have looked online and they showed a caregiver and a housekeeper positions available. So I sent my resume, got a call back and went to an interview. The interview was for a waiter position, which I am always weary of because I am not sure I could do it. It was like a normal waiter instead no tips just a specific 7.50 hr, I am hoping for $8 an hr but willing to be flexible for a good job. The problem comes in is the schedule. It is 10 am to 7 pm which is great but it is 4 days on 2 days off. This would mean 4 out of 6 sunday's I would have to work. I considered it, I really did but I am not desperate for a job right now. Plus I don't think I will be happy there which will mean I would be taking it for now and still looking for something else. And since a friend was getting me a job I didn't want to make her look bad if I leave right away. So now of course I am concerned I just blew a good opportunity. But I have an interview at Sears tomorrow and then while I am out that way I have a couple places that want their applications in person so I will stop by those places. 

But I know really the bottom line is why would I give up a my house and way of life to just get another job I will be antsy to leave.