The simplest answer...

is usually the correct one. Do ever feel that way? I knew I would be quitting and I with that I would not be able to afford my home. I have come to accept this, it is just a house. I am not loosing much more than if I had just rented instead. Still not sure if I will foreclose or sell it at less its value. I have had this, we will call it a nagging idea, that I should mention to my younger brother the idea of renting my house. Not for a profit just for some time since I can't afford it and him and his friends were planning on moving anyways. I mentioned it to him today and they may want to. I need to figure out some details to give him so they can discuss it so that would be cool. That would prevent hurting my credit, I am not relying on it but it would be interesting.

Any way it works out I am still going to have to move. My desire is to get a one bedroom or studio apartment. I don't really need anything big, just enough space for me. But when I look everything up I am looking at least $600. The other option is to move in to my dad's house. Dad doesn't usually live there, just sometimes stays a few days when he comes in town. Right now my older brother and his wife live there as well as my younger brother. No whether my younger brother moves into my house or somewhere else that would mean there would be a spot in the house I could move into. I think my brother pays like $100 to my dad plus utilities of course. With how the house is set up it would be like a 1 bedroom, I would have a bedroom plus a living room. But the kitchen and bathroom are community property. It really isn't anything ideal but it may give me an opportunity to pay off some of my debts which will create less stress in my life. It seems like the "duh, why wouldn't you" answer but I don't know. I am not really moving in with my parents and when I was 19 I moved out from my parents and in with my older brother. But the last time my and brother and I lived together it didn't work out well and it is what pushed me to move out and buy my house. So is moving back in such a great idea? Prayer. I need to pray about this. I need to figure out what will work best for me. What will the best environment for me be? Oh yeah and discuss it with my older brother and his wife and see how they feel about living with me. 

What I know now...

I am just tired of being stressed. Always and completely stressed and anxious and angry. So right now any choice any change is to move toward that goal. I know that I do not have to live like this and I am choosing not to. I know this may not last but I pray that it would because this is no way to live. 

I quit my job

I had wed off and had to go back to work on thursday. I made it to work on time but hated going. I couldn't make it to my first break by the time I had to clock out as 'personal time' to just walk away from the phone. Running through my head was how much I wanted to quit, "why haven't I quit, I hate being here." But I went and got back on the phone anyways. Lunch is always difficult, I stopped packing my lunch mostly because I wait till the last second to crawl out of bed and then barely get to work on time. So then I have to go out to lunch and coming back is so hard. I sit at lunch and in my head all I can think about are the list of reasons why I should quit and why its not a big deal that quitting is better than staying. And yet I end up back at work taking calls again, really like I do everyday at work. When my second break came I was ready for it. I found myself in the bathroom stall crying because I didn't know why I was even still there why hadn't I packed up my stuff and walked out. I get back to my desk and without even thinking about it I just start packing my stuff. I had these bags I kept knowing eventually I would quit or be fired. So I packed up all my stuff. As I was packing I felt this pressure off from my shoulders. But I couldn't stand up and walk out I logged back on the phone thinking I would just finish my day. At the end of the day, after my last call I logged off and just sat there. My stuff packed I could give my badge to my boss and not come back. But I didn't do it. I think it is because I was more relaxed after packing my stuff.

I came back to work today. My stuff was all packed all I have out is paper and pen. I take calls all day. I hate every customer that calls me. I have no patience with anyone. I don't even care that I am not really helping customers. Actually I do. My lack of care is why I had to go I had to get out. All day I am saying I am sorry we screwed you and nope there is nothing I can do about it. I went to lunch and came back and I was supposed to log off and go to my weekly meeting with my sup and the last call was just ridiculous a customer lying to try and save another $25. I was so angry so I logged out, picked up my stuff, walked to my boss's desk and handed her my badge said I was quitting and walked out. When I said it I started crying, I don't even know why just too much emotion tied to that moment. But as I get out and put my stuff in the car and I am driving home I realize I'm not sad I am a little giddy. I am happy. I am driving home and have a little smirk on my face. Now maybe its shock or just my initial joy and I realize that life is about to suck in a brand new way but I am pretty happy. I don't even care right now. I'm just, breathing a little more freely now.

A beautiful view?

In the break room at work they have these windows facing east with the most amazing view. About a month ago I was standing there just looking out the window and a thought crossed my mind, "I am not in prison, there is a whole world out there." I had to stop after that. Am I in prison? Why do I work somewhere that I have to go look out a window to remind myself I am not prison. But every time I look out that window the site is just so beautiful. I wonder if it is really that beautiful or just a little rain after a drought.

A new week

This week was mundane which is good. Didn't do much get up around 12:30 - 1pm. Then work from 2 - 11 every night still hating every min of it. I can feel how angry I am, angry because I don't want to be angry at the callers for calling in. I am so tense when I am there and I can it on people's faces that they see how tense and frustrated I am. Friday I was pulled into a meeting with my sup and the department director and was put on a final written warning for attendance. Then on sat I was pulled into a meeting with my old and new sup and put on written warning because I am not meeting the stupid stats. They made me put together a plan for how I will fix my issues but it is stupid and I don't care and now I feel like I am being babysat which is ridiculous. Anyways so then I get off work and I go home and sit on the couch till 6 or 7 in the morning doing really nothing watching tv, coloring, and journaling. Till I am so tired when I go to bed my brain doesn't have the energy to think about anything. I only had about 5 hrs of sleep but my body seemed to not mind the hours I was sleeping. I am such a night person.

I didn't really do anything all week. No applications out, not researching about what to do about my house. Just a week of numb and not doing anything. But I do recognize that I can't stay where I am. It's not fair to the customers that are calling in. It's not their fault I feel so resentment toward them before they even have time to say hello. I hate feeling this way! I don't want to resent people or mad at people, its...its against my nature. It hurts me because I can see myself not giving the people the respect they deserve even if they treat me like trash I should still treat them with the respect anyone deserves. And then I just want to get off the phone because I know I suck but I have to take the calls or go home and well because they are the ones paying my bills right now I stay and take the calls. I just need a simple job stocking shelves or I don't know some just were people aren't yelling at me all day.

My parents were always poor they always struggled. As I grew up I had little to nothing and that which we had my parents always sacrificed for us to have. I watched my mother and father struggle every day just fighting to pay the bills and struggling to get food in the fridge just fighting to get through each day. My parents were miserable and I saw it. My mother until the day she died and my father even now struggled to get through everything in life. So I decided I wanted more. I didn't want to live like this. I would have enough to give my kids and I would have a job that was reliable and would have a job where I didn't have to get to the end of the month and wonder how I would pay the rest of the bills. I always dreamed big I wanted to be a teacher, I wanted to be film editor, I wanted to be an ultrasound tech. I even wanted less reliable but more enjoyable things like a foreign missionary or a photographer. But every time I try, every time I get my stuff together and go toward that dream I get pushed down, pushed hard. It may be a couple of years or few months but it happens every time. And try so hard to push back, to hold on, to not loose my ground. But my depression is debilitating. I can't get out of bed let alone get my homework done. And the little that I can do I always choose work over school every time. Not that I can even get to work most days. I can't eat and I can't sleep and then when I do finally fall asleep I can't wake up because I had been awake so long. And when it is bad, really bad, there is no hope. I can see everything falling apart that I worked so hard for falling apart around me and I can't get out of bed or off the couch. And it doesn't matter if I am on meds or not it comes anyways. It comes and pushes me down and smashes my face in the mud just to show me that it can.

And so I give up, I have said it before I know I have. But how can I keep doing this. In a couple months my company is going to come to me and ask me for the $3400 I took for school. For classes that I have now dropped out of. They will ask me for a payment plan. The problem with that is I live pay check to pay check. I have no money to pay them. I make good money, I do but I pay for the price for it and I hate it. I make just enough to pay back the debt that I have and pay for this stupid house that I resent now. I was doing the 'right thing' I was investing. I even got a good deal on the house. And now they keep increasing the HOA fees and I can't afford it and I can't sell it, wouldn't break even with what I currently owe. So I spent 5 years working my ass off to get the payments made and now I am supposed to do what? Give it away and ruin my credit in the process.

I don't understand. What am I supposed to do? All I can see is being one of those people you see at the retail store, a cashier for the next 40 years. I have always looked at the 40 and 50 year old women and that is all they have done. At what point do you realize that you were not meant for anything more than an $8 an hour job. How do you realize you will be working with high schoolers for the rest of your life because that was all you were destined for. Really what I don't understand is how God decides that. How does He say 'This girl will dream big and will desire much and yes some for herself but her mother will teacher her to be selfless and her dreams will be for others and she will be generous with her money and time but instead she will not full fill her dreams instead she will suffer and be nothing important. She will watch others pass her by while she accomplishes nothing. She will try to free herself from this time and time again but will never succeed.'

Turns out I am not talking to God right now. Honestly it feels like He stopped talking to me more than a year ago. I keep trying get Him to talk to me. I would do everything He wanted of me I studying my bible every day and always praying and giving of my time and money and keeping my thought pure and I would sit and try to listen and yet nothing. I even want to SWC to try an please Him thinking this must be what He wants and yet nothing. I feel like everyday for a very long time I have run to his lap to sit an listen to Him and I sit there for hours and I can see He is speaking to others but I can not hear Him. And I don't understand and I beg and plead and yet He does not speak to me, He does not fill my cup. I am tired of going to Him to be ignored. I have tried everything I know and I don't understand. I just want to please Him, I just want to do His will. I don't understand what I have done so wrong.