Random Thoughts

Below are some totally random thoughts that just keep running through my head. I want to tell someone about them. Get them out of me so that maybe they will stop being so annoying. So are clear and others are not. And at least one I am so not going into details on even though I am sure you are curious. :)

1. I never cared about my age until now. I work with a bunch of 18-22 year olds. Many of them with college degree's. I am actually embarrassed to say my age. I know intellectually that is stupid and am trying to ignore age. It is mostly working.

2. I thought I loved him, convinced myself I could never marry him and it wouldn't work, but then I realized today I still think about him every day even though I haven't seen or talked to him in months. I wish I had more relationship experience to know the difference between love and lust/loneliness.

3. The girl I didn't like at work (she is totally lazy) quit. I was concerned it was partially my fault but knowing my boss agrees she is a bad worker makes me feel better. She called in to work today saying "she didn't feel like making the drive so she wasn't coming in." Why give 2 weeks notice if you aren't actually going to show up. What good work ethic!

4. I love both of my jobs. But it feels like I am working some non-ending work week. I work M-F for like 4-6 hrs a day. And then on weekends I babysit for like 8-10 hrs each day. The weekends are very easy, just sitting around my sisters house making sure my nephews don't die but it's still not an actual day off. And I sleep in during the week and am up early on weekends, my brain is confused. I "should" switch to wake at the same time every day but I am a night person, I do not like mornings so for now I think I will leave it.

5. I realized that my body doesn't fit me. At work I am always running around with the kids, playing games, picking up stuff, rushing around. Some kid gets hurt on the other side of the playground and I run to them. But after 3 hrs of this I am exhausted, actually after like 2 hrs. I hit 5 pm and I catch myself just zoning out. Same with my nephew, the 2 year old loves to just run back and forth in the backyard but I love to do it with him but my body just stops after so long. I don't usually tell people this but I can often picture myself running. When I am anxious I just want to run, but I know that I couldn't go far and so I push the idea away thinking "maybe one day." I wish I had enough will power to get the body my subconscious already thinks I should have.

6. Started taking happy pills, they really help. I am much happier now. I also now take melatonin so I am able to fall asleep which is also very helpful. I am drinking a lot less caffeine due to this.

7. Finally read the Twilight series. I loved the movie and then when I read the books I became obsessed with them. I couldn't read them fast enough. And just ask my roommates, I was very engrossed in the books, often yelling at books. It was pretty funny, but also sad. I so need a love life. At the same time I also watched the True Blood HBO series. It is the same type thing but a lot more blood and sex. The main characters are very alike, watching and reading them at the same time was interesting.

8. My 10 year old nephew told me I should try eHarmony. It stemmed from a conversation about me not having kids but wanting them. He really meant it in the most sweetest way but when you get dating advice from your 10 year old nephew...its just weird.

9. I have to wear a watch for work. But I spend like 1 1/2 outside everyday at work. So I am starting to get a watch line on my wrist. I find this annoying as I only wear the watch for work.

10. I need to go to the dentist. I have at least 2 teeth that are killing me right now. I have no insurance but the pain while eating is really annoying. I was hoping the pain was going to stop but it has been like a week and it hasn't. Need to stop by my brothers dentist and see what this might cost me out of pocket.

11. Sometimes I am so content and happy that I forget that I am living in my dad's house, totally miss my condo, and am totally broke. In those moments I just take a deep breath and enjoy. Then I remember I can not live like this forever and have no idea how I am going to fix this.

12. I really wish I could have gone to the Women of Faith tour again this year. It was so amazing last year, but sometimes life doesn't work out that way.

13. I love to volunteer, and help out, and working with kids. I really do. But there is this one tiny part of my brain that really does think that if I just do enough good that God will have to bless me. That I will hit some unknown quota and then He will truly bless me; husband, kids, financial stability, not crazy, a different body. I know better and wish I didn't think this way.

14. I miss my mom.

15. I have started getting headaches. I keep thinking it is dehydration because I am so much more active now. But I drink a lot of water. And normally if that was it I could just drink a good 12-16 oz and be good but lately it just stays all day. I don't like taking pain meds, I think the pain is your body telling you something. I don't know what is wrong though. I need to figure this out before they get worse.