Was this learned or self taught?

I have never really blamed my mother for being overweight. I know that as a kid I was very picky and it was hard for my parents. So picky in fact my sister learned from my odd behavior. See I hate vegetables. Well most I would eat corn and green beans and broccoli but spinach, peas, cauliflower, zucchini it was all so gross. They would always give the threat that if I didn't eat my vegetables then no desert. So I would say, "Ok, no desert." My older sister knowing this with her kids make them eat it for breakfast if they don't eat it for dinner. Kind of like a "your going to eat eventually so just eat it now." I guess I have never discussed it with her, maybe this came from her kid's fathers side but the self-absorbed part of me is pretty sure she was effected by me.

We never went to the doctors a lot. Mom hated doctors and we never had insurance. I remember though going at like 12. I had to get a physical to say I had bad eye sight so that I could go to an optometrist (even though I already wore glasses at the time.) It was some requirement from the gov't coverage we had at the time. At that point I was already overweight for my age and the dr of course questioned this. I remember mom saying she cooked us dinner and watched what we ate. Then the dr pointedly asked my mom if maybe I was sneaking food. She said, "No, I would no that." then they turned to me and asked me if I did. Knowing that even just the night before I had snuck 2 or 3 cookies while mom wasn't watching I said "No." It was a lie, I felt so guilty. But mom believed me and the dr moved on. So I can't blame mom, what was she supposed to do lock up the food or count it all to watch if something went missing? I am glad that she never put me on a "diet" as a kid, even though she went on several herself.

But I try to think about my kids. What I want to feed them and teach them about food. What kind of example I want to lead for them. This is one of my motivation, really one of my biggest ones. I want to teach them to eat healthy but to do that I need to be an example. I know that part of my body is pre-disposed to being overweight, my mothers family is overweight, most of my siblings as well. Not obese like me but not the "ideal-weight" either. So to combat genetics for my kids I want to know my stuff, be an example and know what to feed my kids. Because I figure if I just fed them right then they won't be like me.

I have been reading some books. Biographies from people who have lost over 100 lbs. I have also been reading fitness sites looking for inspirational stories. And what I notice is that for many people they were fed healthy items and were active as kids so they were skinny kids and teenagers but it was after that that they plumped up. That even if the parents teach them right the processed foods and junk that is out their is just so easy, cheap, and delicious that I can't really prevent anything in them. I know it is one of those, teach them as kids and then you have to let them make there own decisions. But this just makes me think even more about how really my mom really couldn't have done anything. The choices that I make right now that are my downfalls each time are against what she taught me. I crave sugar and overeat snacks, or have too many snacks in a day. Or really feeling a need to "splurge" on myself by going out to eat. Mom never took us out to eat because it was expensive and not healthy. So now I always feel like it is this special treat. So then when i deny myself of it, even for the right reasons, I start to feel like I am depriving myself. I think this is one of my biggest problems. Why is it so hard to loose weight? Because on every corner their is a fast food restaurant or sit down restaurant just calling me. It is hard. This weekend when I kind of went crazy with food, I ate out I think three or four times. The first time I kind of realized that it wasn't a certain type of food I was craving it was just food from any restaurant. I don't know how to combat this. They restaurants will always be there and I have to somehow learn not to let them control me. I mean even the fact that saturday morning, after I ate out friday night, I felt gross and sluggish and yet I still went out to eat again on Sunday night. I knew that the junk I ate was just that junk. Ok here's what I ate and sorry if this grosses you out. I ended up at Arby's, I had two arby melts, a med fry, and three mozzarella sticks, plus it was the first time I drank caffeine in 2 weeks. Then I went and hung out at Barnes and Noble and ended up eating a slice of Cheesecake Factory cheesecake, another soda, and then bought a large cookie to eat at home later. Like a million calories, mostly from fat, none of it healthy. Could I have gone out and made a healthy food choices, of course but my head just wanted to eat the junk that I am used to and that for some sick reason my brain craves. I say brain not body because I know the next day my body was pretty mad at me for my choices.

So how, if I change my habits do I teach my kids. Maybe I just wasn't actually taught enough about making healthy choices. If I discuss healthy choices with my kids and why they are healthier maybe that will make a difference. My sisters kids, besides having an awesome metabolism from their dad eat lots and lots of fruit, they love it. But I never have, I don't understand how she did it. And well honestly I don't have kids yet (or even a boyfriend let alone a husband for that matter) so I don't need to know that now. So for now I will worry about me and worry about teaching my kids when I have them.

A new week

There are a dozen things I should be doing right now and none of them are sitting here stairing at my treadmill. If you read my last post you know I was facing temptation. What did I do? Well I did pull out my walk away the pounds dvd and walk for a mile. Then for the next 24 hrs ate everything I shouldn't. This kind of continued over the weekend as well but I was trying to get myself back under control. So today I ate fairly well and tonight I needed to start exercising again. But I can't seem to get myself to do it. I had some time before my tv shows started to pop in a video but I just read a book instead. Then I pulled out the treadmill and tried to walk on it but...well it was a combination of not wanting to because my brother and sil was in the next room and because my heart rate kept getting so high so quickly since I haven't exercised for a few days. My tv shows are over but I don't really want to do a video. And then I think well I should go get on the wii fit, I am sure I will get into it when I start going. But I realize that I should only weigh myself once a week instead of daily and not weighing in when I log in will frustrate me. So now besides staring at my treadmill I am also wanting to go weigh myself to see if I have gone up or down.

This is my problem I get so obsessed. This is why I lost the 30 lbs over the last 7 months, because I was just watching what I was eating, being active in daily life by parking further away or being active with the kids I work with. But when I watch every calorie and monitor how much I exercise it drives me crazy. I don't know how I can make myself a moderate balance. I want to loose the weight, and eating this healthier food isn't a huge deal I just need to get used to the change. I mean I grew up drinking 2% milk and as an adult switched to skim, now I think 2% tastes funny. I also like it when I exercise. I think I just have to push threw. Realize it is going to be difficult and my body and brain are going to try and revolt but after time it will realize that the new way is actually better for it. I guess it really is like stopping smoking. Not that I have ever smoked but know plenty of people who have tried, some succeeded and some did not.

Still wishing for the magic button to make this easier.

Temptation

Every time I try to loose wait I get so frustrated. For the past week I have been exercising an hour plus daily plus I have switched to healthier foods and stopped my night time eating. But when i way myself I only see myself gaining weight! It is so frustrating! I want to see the results. I have this internal battle going on where it is a fight all the time to eat the right things, and not overeat, and work out like I should. Right now I stepped on my Wii fit plus board and gained 2lbs and all I want to do is go make a big plate of nachos to eat (I have no ice cream in the house and my car is currently blocked in so no late night run.) But I have cheese and chips and chicken and salsa and it would be greasy and salty and delicious. And then the other side reminds me that this is why my attempts to loose weight always fail. I don't try long enough, I don't give my body enough time to make the change and instead give up. So part of my wants to stick in a dvd and jump on the treadmill and walk a few miles. Honestly this is why sometimes I don't watch The Biggest Loser. The contestants loose so much weight every week. And I know that they work out 8 hrs a day or more and don't drive past a dozen fast food restaurant every day. It is frustrating that I worked out two hours yesterday and although I was Extremely craving ice cream I didn't stop. I came home had a fruit popsicle and worked out. And what is my result a 2lb weight gain. I hate it! My brother was in the room and says "results take time" I know this, I do but it is just so hard. I wish it wasn't so hard. I wish I could just loose the weight as easily as I gained it. The big picture seems so far away and that plate of nachos and that instant gratification I could have in a few minutes. Why is this so hard?

My Walls

I want to paint my room. I moved in like 8 months ago now and I really want to paint my room. I am currently staying in my younger brothers room. My mom painted it a decade ago in a blue and white to look like clouds. Though she did this weird texture thing that was kind of fancy but now thinking about repainting it makes me cringe at the difficulties of filling the crazy little holes with paint.

I wanted to paint my condo too. It makes it feel more like mine when I decorate it with what I like. I really want to use some of those cool stick on decorations. They make the words and the designs so you can just stick them on and create a truly unique room. I love that I feel comfortable in my current home. That I like being here and can feel relaxed. But the truth is this is just a temporary stop in my path. I can not forever live with my dad. It's not right to him and honestly my path should continue to grow past this. So maybe one day I will change them but for now they will stay blue and white. :)

Resolution Time

I usually don't do resolutions but I think this year I need to use this "new year" as an opportunity for change. My resolutions are really what I always try to work on and the standard resolutions for most of America. They boil down to three"

1. Finances
2. Weight
3. God

The first is my finances. As you know I moved out of my condo into my dad's place. I work two part time jobs which keeps me busy seven days a week but I Love both jobs and the pay is exactly what I need. (Totally a God thing, all thanks goes to He.) The problem is that I have become lax in this. If I write it all out I have plenty of money for bills, food, and a couple "extra's." But when I start indulging my desires instead of needs at the end of the month it doesn't work out....Ok, let me be honest. Over the last two months I have started eating out at a restaurant for lunch at least once a week plus going out to eat on Sunday's which usually means not just food for me but nephews as well. When I look at my bank statement for the last month or two I can see that most of my money is going to food, really for food I am paying someone else to prepare for me. I know why I do it, its totally psychological. We never ate out as kids whether sit down restaurants or fast food. So I always feel "fancy" when I go out to eat. Like it is a sign that I am doing well that I can eat out often. But I also intellectually know that nobody really cares except maybe people that are jealous and really I shouldn't be creating that for other people as I know how it feels. But I guess its like for some girls who go buy a new fancy purse or pair of shoes giving yourself that "I'm important" feeling. Anyways, I have to stop spending and start being responsible. Pay down some of my debt while I have this opportunity to do so.

I hate to admit it but God is not first in my life. It is even obvious by the fact that He is third on my list. I go to church and bible study and I try to learn what I am hearing. With my recent increase of books I have been adding christian fiction and non-fiction to my list. But the personal relationship is...distant. I go to long between prayers, when really it should be daily. I know that when I was doing a daily devotion I enjoyed it but I haven't done one for so long. So step one is go through my current bookcases and find a daily devotion to follow. Step two a dedicated prayer time every day. It can be with the daily devotion or in addition. But I have to start talking to God regularly again! Step three is to get more involved in bible study (I have already started bringing a note book to take notes in the last two weeks.) But possibly looking for a small group to attend during the week. I used to meet with a group of friends but that fell apart. They are currently doing one for couples (being single I was not invited.) So I will need to branch out and see if I can find one with maybe a different church that I would enjoy.

The last is my weight. So it is actually pretty exciting but it feels so small I don't like telling people but I have been tracking my weight for years and in the last 7 months I have lost 30 lbs! You can't really see it on me and I only kind of went down a size but when I think about it it is pretty exciting. I have been doing more of a push to loose some weight since I moved and I am glad to see that it is actually working. It is also motivating to the fact that if I was more dedicated I would see more of a loss from month to month. It's not really about the way I look; even if I haven't found a guy that thinks so I think I am beautiful. But (and I have probably said this before so sorry for the repeat) I want to have babies eventually and I can't at this weight. Also I know that weighing this much is not good for my heart. I am only 27 and I shouldn't wonder if my heart burn is more than that or a sore arm is something more serious. So I can't believe I am about to admit this but I actually want to read Alicia Silverstone's book "The Kind Diet." I don't care about killing animals, I think God put them here for that. But I think that a lot of the junk I eat is not good for me and maybe if I broaden my knowledge of healthy foods and recipes. And learn about what the processed food is doing to my body it might be a helpful motivator toward change. I don't know, we'll see.

So there they are, in black and white for all the world to see. I guess we will find out what happens.

Thankful Children

I want to know how you raise thankful children. My niece and nephews had a great Christmas and received pretty much every gift on their lists and yet they were very unthankful for it. My sister mentioned that when they found out they got a PS3 (which they have previously had no gaming systems) they were not excited at all but were just "ok, cool." When they opened gifts from me 2 out of 5 wanted to know what else I got for them and pushed what I had carefully picked out aside.

I was curious about the ungratefulness and so I questioned a couple of them. When asked what they got they said "nothing." I go "really nothing, you opened no presents?!" They reply with "yeah, I got a shirt and a new beanie" So I go "that's it? everything else I can go to your house and return because you don't even remember having it?" And only at that point can they name the cool things they got; games and toys they asked for. Though one kid even after the threat still swore up and down he received no toys only clothes which I know can't possibly be true.

I thought maybe that is just how kids are these days. You know always want want want. I mean that is how most adults live, it is the society we have created. Always wanted something better something more. I try to remember how grateful I was. I can remember the one year where we were extra poor and I was not grateful for the little I got. But when I was younger I think I remember that I was grateful. There was always one prized possession in the bunch that I cherished and was grateful for.

One of my cousins (Sandi) has a blog where she posts about her family. She has three little girls two are 6 and one is 4 and she also has one son who is 2. They are all very young so maybe that accounts for it. But in her blog she describes how grateful her kids are of what they received. She lists the gifts and it isn't anything extravagant; dolls, a scooter, playdoh, pet shop toys. So what makes a kid more grateful than another. Is it the way they are raised? Is it a standard of living? Is it just the type of emphasis on the gifts and the holiday in general? Or does it just boil down to if a kid is optimistic or pessimistic?

Don't get me wrong. I LOVE my niece and nephews! That is why I buy them gifts and not my own siblings or dad. But one day I will have kids of my own. And I see how difficult it was for my sister when her children didn't appreciate all she did for them. I would instead much rather have the kids that are grateful for what they receive. But I do know there is not just some formula and you can't just order grateful kids from a catalog. So like both of these parents (and many others I watch in curiosity) I will pray every day for them. That God will bless them no matter how they turn out. :)

Thanksgiving

I feel aweful. I have a cold, which isn't too bad. But the other day I also got to bad bug bites on my arm that is also making sick and tired as well. It makes the day a lot harder. I feel so distant from people. I am just so tired and I don't want to get everyone sick so I try to keep my distance.

It is also weird because this is the first year I am not going shopping. I have always hit some sale in the middle of the night. I knew after last year I probably wouldn't do it. And after looking at the ads there really isn't anything I want. I keep looking and re-looking but there just isn't anything I want to run out and get. The shop-a-holic in me hates that I won't be going out but if I think about it, it is actually a good thing that I am currently satisfied with what I have. Though I wonder if it is because I feel blah because I am sick. I am not really sure but it doesn't feel like a real Thanksgiving.