Thankful Children

I want to know how you raise thankful children. My niece and nephews had a great Christmas and received pretty much every gift on their lists and yet they were very unthankful for it. My sister mentioned that when they found out they got a PS3 (which they have previously had no gaming systems) they were not excited at all but were just "ok, cool." When they opened gifts from me 2 out of 5 wanted to know what else I got for them and pushed what I had carefully picked out aside.

I was curious about the ungratefulness and so I questioned a couple of them. When asked what they got they said "nothing." I go "really nothing, you opened no presents?!" They reply with "yeah, I got a shirt and a new beanie" So I go "that's it? everything else I can go to your house and return because you don't even remember having it?" And only at that point can they name the cool things they got; games and toys they asked for. Though one kid even after the threat still swore up and down he received no toys only clothes which I know can't possibly be true.

I thought maybe that is just how kids are these days. You know always want want want. I mean that is how most adults live, it is the society we have created. Always wanted something better something more. I try to remember how grateful I was. I can remember the one year where we were extra poor and I was not grateful for the little I got. But when I was younger I think I remember that I was grateful. There was always one prized possession in the bunch that I cherished and was grateful for.

One of my cousins (Sandi) has a blog where she posts about her family. She has three little girls two are 6 and one is 4 and she also has one son who is 2. They are all very young so maybe that accounts for it. But in her blog she describes how grateful her kids are of what they received. She lists the gifts and it isn't anything extravagant; dolls, a scooter, playdoh, pet shop toys. So what makes a kid more grateful than another. Is it the way they are raised? Is it a standard of living? Is it just the type of emphasis on the gifts and the holiday in general? Or does it just boil down to if a kid is optimistic or pessimistic?

Don't get me wrong. I LOVE my niece and nephews! That is why I buy them gifts and not my own siblings or dad. But one day I will have kids of my own. And I see how difficult it was for my sister when her children didn't appreciate all she did for them. I would instead much rather have the kids that are grateful for what they receive. But I do know there is not just some formula and you can't just order grateful kids from a catalog. So like both of these parents (and many others I watch in curiosity) I will pray every day for them. That God will bless them no matter how they turn out. :)

Thanksgiving

I feel aweful. I have a cold, which isn't too bad. But the other day I also got to bad bug bites on my arm that is also making sick and tired as well. It makes the day a lot harder. I feel so distant from people. I am just so tired and I don't want to get everyone sick so I try to keep my distance.

It is also weird because this is the first year I am not going shopping. I have always hit some sale in the middle of the night. I knew after last year I probably wouldn't do it. And after looking at the ads there really isn't anything I want. I keep looking and re-looking but there just isn't anything I want to run out and get. The shop-a-holic in me hates that I won't be going out but if I think about it, it is actually a good thing that I am currently satisfied with what I have. Though I wonder if it is because I feel blah because I am sick. I am not really sure but it doesn't feel like a real Thanksgiving.

Random Thoughts

Below are some totally random thoughts that just keep running through my head. I want to tell someone about them. Get them out of me so that maybe they will stop being so annoying. So are clear and others are not. And at least one I am so not going into details on even though I am sure you are curious. :)

1. I never cared about my age until now. I work with a bunch of 18-22 year olds. Many of them with college degree's. I am actually embarrassed to say my age. I know intellectually that is stupid and am trying to ignore age. It is mostly working.

2. I thought I loved him, convinced myself I could never marry him and it wouldn't work, but then I realized today I still think about him every day even though I haven't seen or talked to him in months. I wish I had more relationship experience to know the difference between love and lust/loneliness.

3. The girl I didn't like at work (she is totally lazy) quit. I was concerned it was partially my fault but knowing my boss agrees she is a bad worker makes me feel better. She called in to work today saying "she didn't feel like making the drive so she wasn't coming in." Why give 2 weeks notice if you aren't actually going to show up. What good work ethic!

4. I love both of my jobs. But it feels like I am working some non-ending work week. I work M-F for like 4-6 hrs a day. And then on weekends I babysit for like 8-10 hrs each day. The weekends are very easy, just sitting around my sisters house making sure my nephews don't die but it's still not an actual day off. And I sleep in during the week and am up early on weekends, my brain is confused. I "should" switch to wake at the same time every day but I am a night person, I do not like mornings so for now I think I will leave it.

5. I realized that my body doesn't fit me. At work I am always running around with the kids, playing games, picking up stuff, rushing around. Some kid gets hurt on the other side of the playground and I run to them. But after 3 hrs of this I am exhausted, actually after like 2 hrs. I hit 5 pm and I catch myself just zoning out. Same with my nephew, the 2 year old loves to just run back and forth in the backyard but I love to do it with him but my body just stops after so long. I don't usually tell people this but I can often picture myself running. When I am anxious I just want to run, but I know that I couldn't go far and so I push the idea away thinking "maybe one day." I wish I had enough will power to get the body my subconscious already thinks I should have.

6. Started taking happy pills, they really help. I am much happier now. I also now take melatonin so I am able to fall asleep which is also very helpful. I am drinking a lot less caffeine due to this.

7. Finally read the Twilight series. I loved the movie and then when I read the books I became obsessed with them. I couldn't read them fast enough. And just ask my roommates, I was very engrossed in the books, often yelling at books. It was pretty funny, but also sad. I so need a love life. At the same time I also watched the True Blood HBO series. It is the same type thing but a lot more blood and sex. The main characters are very alike, watching and reading them at the same time was interesting.

8. My 10 year old nephew told me I should try eHarmony. It stemmed from a conversation about me not having kids but wanting them. He really meant it in the most sweetest way but when you get dating advice from your 10 year old nephew...its just weird.

9. I have to wear a watch for work. But I spend like 1 1/2 outside everyday at work. So I am starting to get a watch line on my wrist. I find this annoying as I only wear the watch for work.

10. I need to go to the dentist. I have at least 2 teeth that are killing me right now. I have no insurance but the pain while eating is really annoying. I was hoping the pain was going to stop but it has been like a week and it hasn't. Need to stop by my brothers dentist and see what this might cost me out of pocket.

11. Sometimes I am so content and happy that I forget that I am living in my dad's house, totally miss my condo, and am totally broke. In those moments I just take a deep breath and enjoy. Then I remember I can not live like this forever and have no idea how I am going to fix this.

12. I really wish I could have gone to the Women of Faith tour again this year. It was so amazing last year, but sometimes life doesn't work out that way.

13. I love to volunteer, and help out, and working with kids. I really do. But there is this one tiny part of my brain that really does think that if I just do enough good that God will have to bless me. That I will hit some unknown quota and then He will truly bless me; husband, kids, financial stability, not crazy, a different body. I know better and wish I didn't think this way.

14. I miss my mom.

15. I have started getting headaches. I keep thinking it is dehydration because I am so much more active now. But I drink a lot of water. And normally if that was it I could just drink a good 12-16 oz and be good but lately it just stays all day. I don't like taking pain meds, I think the pain is your body telling you something. I don't know what is wrong though. I need to figure this out before they get worse.

Silver lining

I have been happy lately, like actually happy. I don't think I have blogged about my new job. I now work part time for a private charter school helping during lunch and after school with preschool kids. It works perfect because I am not a morning person and I don't have to be there till 11:30 and then I get off by 6pm (usually 5:30) which gives me my evenings. It pays decent and I love the kids. It is great. I do have this two hour break in the middle, lunch is from 11:30 to 1 and then after school is 3 - 6. I live about 15 min away so I have decided to stay in the break room and read. I have been getting a little antsy during this two hours but I have also been reading a boring biography so that hasn't helped. I switch to a new book tomorrow so that should be better. I haven't read the Twilight series and have been told it is a must read.

So I don't know if it is the job and knowing I can pay my bills or actually I have started taking my "happy" pills again which helps mellow my high and low moods. My bet is on the pills. But either way I love being happy, its nice.

Anyways, today I was driving to work and I always drive with the windows down except if I am on the freeway or the heat is just too bad. So my window was down and I went to put it up when I got to the freeway, it did not go up. It made the noises but no movement. I was so mad!! See you probably know this but in case you don't or to refresh your memory. I had a car I bought in 2000 when it was 2 years old, it was a '98 Nissan Sentra. I was 18 and it was my baby. Then I totaled the car, had no money and with what the insurance paid to me I could only afford '95 Nissan Sentra, 3 years older but this new one was automatic and had power windows neither of which the old car had. The car is a clunker. It has some part wrong that isn't "life threatening" (which is required with the lemon law) but it does mean my check engine light is always on. Also the front passenger window does not go down, but I knew that when I bought it. Since then the internal light went out, my right speaker went out, the ac only works sometimes and often stalls the car when being used, and although all tires have great tread 1 likes to go flat needing to be filled every 2 weeks, a second goes flat over 1 month period and the spare tire doesn't hold air at all. Which would be fine if I had some sort of expendable cash to fix them but I don't so I just deal with it.

So when the window went down and wouldn't go up I was so mad. I wanted to just scream!! I hate this stupid car! But instead I took a breath and was happy it was just a window and not a tire blowing out or my engine failing. The car works, the doors work that is all that I need. I decided to ignore it. I tried to look up info online about how I could fix it or the cost. It appears to be at least $200 and the details were very lengthy so I couldn't do it on my own. I was sitting here watching tv and I start to hear the wind blow, I go to the window and I can smell the rain coming. I can't leave the window down, my car will be soaked. I don't know what to do, find plastic I guess to cover the window, but what do I use. But somehow (praise the Lord) I was clear headed enough to not freak out and just stopped, walked over to my brother and told the situation and asked for help. He goes, "The window won't move? Pull it into the light for me and I will see what I can do." It is like 10:30 at night he is not only in the middle of a movie but also working on a painting and he just stops and helps me pull apart my car to fix the window. It turned out he just had to remove 8 screws partially pull off the inside of the door and then we were able to pull up the window. I am so happy!!! I don't need the window to work, I need my car to be dry.

But this just reminds how much I blessed to have a car that works and more importantly a family that really loves me. I always take them for granted but especially in the last several months while I felt like world was crashing down on me they have all been there to help hold up the walls while I got to my feet. I don't know why I have always taken them for granted or I don't know... not realized that they are there for me when I need them. So family, if you read this. Thanks! Thank you for being awesome when I sometimes go totally crazy and can't think straight. Thanks for just being there for me you all rock!

Pain and Faith

I don't understand, and honestly I hope I never have to. I don't understand what it feels like to have your children half way across the country from you . How it feels when you have to drive them to the airport and put them on a plane where your ex/their other parent is going to pick them up. And I certainly don't know what is like for the children.

My sister has 5 children; 3 she gave birth to and 2 that her 2nd husband brought to the family. I love all five the same and all of them are amazing kids. I have been watching Justice and Isaiah for at least 20 hours a week since they flew into phoenix in mid-June. Today they flew back to Illinois where they live with there mother for the school year.

I knew this last weekend was my last with them. Normally we don't do anything exciting; I am always broke and it is too hot outside so we just hang out inside the house. But they were leaving so I kind of wanted a little different. They hate me because I always make them eat sandwiches for lunch (I still haven't figured out what they eat the rest of the week) but sandwiches they hate. So on Sunday after church we went to McDonalds and I let them play in the playplace for a half hour, which of course was not enough. But Tirso is too young for it and he was getting antsy seeing them play and he couldn't, so it was time to go.

I had brought my camera along, I wanted to take some pictures before they left. So between watching Mr Magoriams Wonder Emporium and playing on the computer I took over 150 shots. Its digital and I always prefer more to less plus the kids love posing and making funny faces. After every shot they run over to see how it looks. We were having a great time, dancing to music and having fun. By the evening when we were all tired of posing, and the camera battery was about dead as well. I notice that Justice is sad. I know she is leaving in 2 days and I can only imagine what is going on in her head. Sad she hasn't seen her mom in 3 months, sad to be leaving dad, just sad. I know there is nothing I can say to make anything better and so I just sit with her.

On monday night I finally get around to plugging in the camera to go through the photo's. As I go through them enhancing, getting rid of red eye, and rotating I notice something. I can see it now only with the photo's I have captured of those moments. I think back and I don't remember seeing this and wonder how I missed it. But in many photo's I see that her eyes are red and she is fighting back tears. I see the photo's and they make me want to cry. I love her so much, I hate to see her in this pain. I feel so bad I delete the photo's because these moments I have captured are no ones to see. They are private and painful. Even this post I worry is too much information.

I have learned not to and so I try not to ask "why." Why God would allow such pain for a child. I think it is the pain I myself suffered as a child as to why I take such offense to even a child in a movie being harmed. I know and trust that God will not give this child more that she can handle. That he is simply preparing her and strengthening her for the future he has in store for her. But right now as she has to change her life again I know that she is pain and all I can do is pray. Pray for her and her brother, for her parents, and for the new parents and siblings that also are part of this. And then I just praise the Lord for being blessed to know these two amazing and beautiful children.

I miss church

I go to church twice a week and yet I miss it. On wed I work with the kids program, I have for years so that is pretty normal. It has been a little extra stressful for the summer but only few weeks left and then back to actual normal.

The difference is sunday mornings. Normally I have bible study and then go to service. I normally help out once a month in nursery once a month. For the summer a couple of the teachers were taking vacation and they needed someone to help out during sunday school hour in nursery and toddlers. So on the 5th I was in nursery, that week I found out that my nephew screams the hole time in nursery so during service my mind was elsewhere. Then on the 12th I was in toddlers, service was good that day. I was going to go back to class on the 19th but my nephew got sick so we stayed home. Then last week on the 26th I helped in toddlers again, however I was feeling sick the whole time and went home instead of to service. This week I am supposed to go back to class again but now I have a cold, a cold I probably spread to my niece and nephews which will make them contagious tomorrow. I think it will depend on how I feel and if the drugs I bought will work. I had realized that last night, that I might again not make it to church. It feels like satan is attacking me.

But even before that I was distracted. I don't know how parents can concentrate during class. With Tirso screaming the whole time, and Isaiah won't listen to anyone, and Justice I don't worry about unless Garrett's around and then I worry that they will start fighting or ditch or something annoying. The eldest is no problem, he doesn't like it but isn't as whiny as the others. Don't get me wrong I love them all and I am glad they are learning stuff at church. But I miss learning stuff. It was only a month so I am kind of surprised that I feel so distant. But maybe I should sit and read my bible instead of sit here blog about this.

Imaginary Vacation

I am planning an imaginary vacation. Well, actually, I am planning two imaginary vacations but working on the details of only one right now. I want to travel, I have this deep seated need to travel. I hate that I haven't traveled very much. Ok, actually I know I have traveled more others have. I have been blessed to have gone to both Maui, HI and Disney World plus multiple trips closer to home in CA and Vegas. But that's like 4 states out 50 and besides Mexico I haven't left the country. And yes my cruise to Mexico was great and another opportunity that others haven't had but I want more. So I know I am broke right now but I have a little time on my hands and so I am planning a couple of road trips across and around the United States. But because I can't say when I will go I am calling them imaginary vacations. It makes me feel better about them instead of saying I am planning a vacation I am not going on.

The first trip is up the west coast. I have previously discussed my affinity of Seattle and so I need to get there. The trip starts here in Phoenix, goes through LA and up Hwy 1. After hitting Seattle I continue north to Vancouver, Canada and across over to Calgary. From there I go south hitting as many states as I can, Montana, Idaho, Utah, Wyoming, Colorado, and then down through four corners to get back to Phoenix. It looks like it is aprox 85 hours of driving and I think, with time to see stuff in every state I can do it in 13 nights, 14 very full days. I have worked out a general time line and now am looking to see if I actually left myself enough time in each city. Because it is imaginary I can be pretty flexible but because I do hope that one day I can take the trip I am trying to not make the trip too long and the time frames actually work.

The second trip is from Phoenix to Washington D.C. Like my trip to Seattle in this one I would go past D.C. on to Atlantic City, NJ so I can see the Atlantic Ocean and then back again. I thought I new the route but after reading a USA travel guide I think I would prefer Memphis, TN to Nashville, TN so I might make some changes. On the way back I will go through the southern states making sure to stop in New Orleans along the way. When I looked at some general numbers it appears this trip is about the same physical distance as trip 1 but I haven't mapped it all out yet. It would be great if this one was also 14 days but I have a feeling it will be longer.

I am just having fun. Planning vacations, looking at the time and cost of it all. I know that if I start getting frustrated that it is only "imaginary" is the time that I will stop. But for now I love it. I get out my Road Atlas, my USA travel guide, my notebook, my post its and dots, I open my computer and work my way along the road. I research places to stop and take pictures, where to stay and what to eat, and what fun and crazy things can I do. Actually I have fun dilemma, I only have so much time in San Francisco so the Alcatraz tour and then Peir 39 to see sea lions and stop Bubba Gumps for lunch but then I can either walk across the Golden Gate Bridge or go take the tour at the Jelly Belly company. That is a hard decision! And then I try to figure out maybe I can do the bridge the day before but the day before is already packed. And if I leave any later then I won't have sunlight to take pics further up the coast. So I write out post it notes about both activities leave them on the Day 3 page and move on. It is imaginary, I can decide later. :) See how fun imaginary is, no stress about an actual decision since they doesn't actually have to be made right now.

I know its a little weird. And when I start a conversation with my brother with "So while I was planning my imaginary vacation..." he always looks at me like I am crazy. I don't really mind though because I am totally a planner. I need to plan out everything, I've have been getting better about that for vacations but its hard because I don't want to miss something. I don't think on my own I could be totally spontaneous, I would probably live if somebody took me on a vacation spontaneously or didn't tell me where we were going so I couldn't plan; but I would have to really trust them. But actually thinking about it, when i got there I would totally try to start planning things. For instance my brother got in the car and just drove one day; up and around and through several states. He didn't know where he was going, didn't really have a plan just went. I couldn't do that. I don't think either way is the "right" way, they are just different. Whatever makes you feel most comfortable on your vacation.

So I will keep planning my imaginary vacations. Maybe I will blog again when I have more details; the cost of trip 1 or what states in trip 2.