Attitude, calories, and school

I hate that every time I post everything is so negative. I don't want to be so angry. I even recognized it while I was posting on myspace, several of the posts are me being so mad at people. I don't think I am that angry but apparently I am if it is so consistently coming out on my posts. I think I need to try to remember to focus on the positives and not the negatives. That is so hard to do sometimes. It is easy to blame my parents, it is their fault because I learned it from them. But now I am older and can't sit in that excuse anymore. Well, I could but I want more than that for my life. 

I know saying it is one thing but doing this everyday is very difficult. It is changing my nature. But I see people who are positive most of the time and wish it was as easy for me as it looks for them. So step one try to make my posts a little more positive. Accentuate the good things in life not only the bad. 

So I am trying to eat healthier or maybe just less. I was trying to figure out how many calories I need to eat. I know they always say 1200 but because I am so overweight it is my understanding I should start higher so my body doesn't think it is starving. I checked out several sites and they all said at about 2000 cal a day I would loose weight. So I have been looking into what I can eat that will work with my crazy schedule. One thing I looked at was the Special K challenge. Did you know if you follow that you will eat aprox 1000 cal a day. No wonder they say you will loose weight. So I went shopping and found some good food. And I found a free site I can track my food on. Yesterday I tracked what I ate and I think 2000 cal is a lot of food. But I don't understand if 2000 cal is more than I normally eat then why am I already not loosing weight? Maybe it is the type of food that I eat. I will continue to watch and track my eating. I haven't yet started exercising yet but one thing at a time. 

School is going fine so far. Last friday I had an essay due which I waited to do till Thursday night, that wasn't the best idea. I ended up with 2 hrs of sleep for friday. I stayed caffeinated and didn't have too much of problem. Yesterday I had an assignment for my bib interp class which I did all wrong. I didn't know it was wrong till I went to turn it in and my homework didn't look like everyone else's. But just one assignment and now I will pay much more attention to the instructions on future assignments. The teachers are both pretty cool so that makes class good. 

I seem to have run into a problem with getting the tuition paid though. I had mentioned that my company is paying for the tuition and then I have to pay the extra fees. They wanted me to pay the fees by the 31st. I have been working overtime last week and this week so I will be able to pay it on the 6th. Hopefully that will be ok. And then I found out it takes 30 days for the tuition to be paid. I don't know why it takes so long since the classes and tuition was already approved doesn't a check just need to be cut. My concern is 30 days would be feb 15th and then if they only mail a check at that point it be another week till they get it. I guess I need to talk to the school again about this now that I know a little more. I am just worried it won't be ok, but there isn't anything else I can do. I don't have the money now. But I really think God wants me here so I think it will work out. 

Time to go to work - I have 4 hours of overtime. 

At what cost

It is 3am and I was totally going to post about how angry I am about work. And how I wish I never ever had to go back but have to because for whatever reason I seem to be stuck here. And then my stupid computer took 30 min to be totally annoying (I actually blame cox for not working in the middle of the night and less blame on my computer) and now I am tired and just want to sleep. 

I can say though, this schedule is really messing me up and I only just finished week two of 16. I don't know how I am going to get through this. This school thing was totally a bad idea. And after today at work I am just so wound up I don't even know how to get it all out of me, this...I don't know, immense anger that I feel helpless to get away from a job that makes me feel awful. Even worse is I am totally blaming God. All I can do is plead for understanding as to why I am here, why I have to continue at this company. But there is no answer. Well maybe a 'You'll see' but I fell for that before, now I have been there six months make it better. I know six months sounds short but when every day you wake up thinking how much you absolutely hate your job and then have to just push it to the side and go on with your day because there are bills to pay. There has to be more to life than this. I can't actually spend the next fifty years going to a job I despise. But I have looked, the options aren't good. So I sit and listen to my boss tell me how much I suck for an hour even though overall my stats are great compared to my teammates and the one spot I did improve like he wanted he doesn't even mention, because of course now it isn't bad and we have to spend an entire hour telling me how awful I am and 'you could be so much better.' As it turns out I am not perfect and your stupid stats are ridiculous anyways so I don't know how anyone meets them all. Oh wait, to date I have not met anyone that has been able to get all the stats perfect. But apparently my boss is going to try to make me the first. In his condescending, talking to me like I am an idiot, not listening to a word I say, totally negative but expecting me to come back with an 'of course I will, anything you say, it will be perfect next week' attitude. You told me what a horrible employee I am, I am not going to then spew roses at you. That just doesn't make any sense. 

I know, I said I was going to sleep. And I also know I could probably be written up for writing this is if my boss read it. But right now, I don't care. I mean hey if I got fired I would probably loose my home but at least I would go home furious and crying all the time. 

Tough decisions

*As a warning this post will refer to my previous post about possibly taking a vacation in March. I recommend reading that first. 

Two things happened after I posted last. First I started to plan what I would do if I did go to seattle. I got very excited and found plenty to do for not a lot of money. The second thing I did was figure out if I could fly there. I was concerned about whether I am too large to sit in a standard coach seat. I looked it up, the standard size of a coach seat is 17 in wide, the size of a business or first class seat is 21 in wide. Now I was hoping to compare it to a movie theatre seat but after much searching that info isn't available online and right now I don't have the time to go watch a movie so I can measure the seat. So instead I took a look at the size of my office chair and then a few other places I sat and tried to measure the spot. Which yes, I know that this is kind of weird but how else do I figure it out. Anyways 'my seat' appears to be around 20 in wide. So coach seat will not work. So I took a look at any other flying options. One seat is $200 round trip, so obviously 2 seats $400. Now 2 seats are cheaper than business class which runs $800. But $400 for air is too much money. Some of the airlines do have the option that if there are empty seats on the plane they will refund the second seat but I don't know if I would want to risk this. The other option is to drive. Which I can get the time off so I can drive but first I don't know if my car will make it and second driving the 6 hrs to Albuquerque drove me crazy I don't know if I can do 22 hrs alone in the car. 

So now I am all...I don't know I guess flustered but not really angry since my weight is my fault. I am still really excited to go to seattle but I shouldn't be spending $500 anyways so spending $700 isn't really a good idea. My sister recommended maybe a train. So I looked up Amtrak; I would have to drive to flagstaff, it would cost $300, and it will take 45 hours each way. Oh, and on the way their 1 transfer, on the way back 5 transfers switching back and forth between bus and train. So that's out of the question. 

Today I went and had my hair cut, it was getting pretty long. I sat down in the stylist chair and I hated the image I saw. Normally pictures and stuff don't really bother me. Maybe it was the way I was sitting but I felt so round. So I did kind of realize maybe I should spend the money on loosing weight instead of traveling. Plus, ok don't tell my nephews, but my sister is trying to figure out how they can go to Disneyland over the summer and I have an open invitation to go with if I can afford and take the time off. So I should instead save the money towards something like that. Plus even if that doesn't work out if I could loose a little weight now and then flying to seattle later in the year isn't the worst thing. So again, as I feel I have done a million times before I am going to attempt to loose some weight. 

It just feels so redundant and it is hard to get myself not to feel it is just going to fail again. I know my biggest problem is that I do always 'diet' and not 'change my lifestyle' but I don't know you can cut your calorie intake in half and say it's not a diet. We will see. But for now spring break vacation is cancelled. :( 

Spring Break

One of the perks of going to school is that you get a spring break. Now as a college student and working full time I shouldn't really care as I will have to work anyways. However, I have always felt I should do something, take time off work and take a spring break. The other fun part and reason for a vacation is that spring break is always around my birthday. This year my spring break is March 9 - 13th, and my birthday is on the 12th. I had already requested fri the 13th off but with my spring break realization I took the 12th off as well. So now I have the 10 - 13th off and could take a couple more days if I wanted. 

The next step is where I should go. I was thinking something basic like drive over to San Diego, spend some time on the beach and window shopping. If I did that I would also want to go watch a talk show. Maybe Ellen, she always gives away free stuff, or I think Craig Ferguson is in LA, I think he is hilarious. That made me think about traveling to Chicago. I would love to be in the Oprah audience, I'm not sure why but it is on my list. But I don't know what else I would do there. Are there attractions in Chicago? I bet I could find something. So Chicago just dropped to the bottom of the list. Another location I thought of was Seattle. I have had this weird obsession with Seattle for years, I don't know why. I even thought for years that I should move there even though I had never visited. 

I looked up flights to Seattle. Round trip about $200, not bad. Then I looked up hotels, at first I couldn't find one for less than $85 a night. That would make it too expensive. I kept looking and found on hotwire.com a room for $50 a night. So that's not too bad. I figure 3 nights so $175 for hotel plus the $200 for the air, that's about $400 plus food and cab fare. Ok, honestly, if I had $500 I should put it toward my debt but if I waited till all my debt was paid and I had 'spare' money I would never travel. The more I think about it, I really want to go to Seattle.

So I looked up some more info. It's about 15 miles from the airport to downtown Seattle. Then I figure all the places I want to go are in walking distance. So I just need to taxi to the hotel which isn't bad. And then when I go downtown there are several places (of course including the space needle) within walking distance. And then I even have a friend who, I think, lives near Seattle. Which obviously I don't even know what city he lives in so he isn't that close of a friend. But maybe I could hook up with him to do something while I'm in town. That's kind of variable though. 

So I will keep looking into it, really doing the math to see if I can afford it. But here is my real concern. If you know me you know I am obese. I fear flying because I do not want to get there and they say, sorry you have to buy a second seat. I couldn't afford a second seat but loosing the money for the seat I did pay and the hotel, I wouldn't know what to do. I know I am big and I don't want to crowd someone else sitting next to me, especially for a flight that looks to be almost 3 hours long. But I can't afford a second seat. I would rather just drive somewhere if this was the case. I tried to look up some information about it but there are no specific specifications and appears to depend on the agents you are working with. The last time I flew was about 3 years ago. I was about 50 lbs less and the seat belt was tight. I know I would require a  seat belt extension but does that mean I need a second seat? I don't think I remember it being too uncomfortable but I was sitting next to my brother so it wasn't a problem getting in his personal space. Maybe I will ask him. Honestly I had sworn off flying, thinking too big to fly but its been three years and I really want to travel further than my local states I can drive to. By the way driving time to seattle 22 hours each way. Do you think I could loose 50 lbs in 2 months? No I don't think so either. 

A long day

Today was a much longer day than I was expecting. I figured to school, no talking, a quick stop at the eye Dr and then home. I figured I would probably skip Awana's in the evening as well or at least just go to service instead of help. This was the plan, this isn't what happened.

Woke up on time, went to class. To anyone that can hear me knows I have a sore throat, that I have no voice. My eng teacher can hear this and yet keeps asking questions. We were kind of going in a circle answering questions about thesis statements but it was ridiculous. By the end I little would attempt to talk and nothing would come out. Even the other class mates thought it was crazy he kept asking questions. I guess I should have asked if I didn't have to participate but it just didn't seem right. Plus I figured it wouldn't go on very long. 

My next class wasn't bad, the girl that sits next to me tried to talk to me. That of course didn't work well. After school I had to go find an American Standard Bible. I tried looking at a few places like target and walmart last night. And then today I checked Bookmans, still no luck. So I went to Family Christian. I was actually happily surprised because I found one for only $10, the cheapest I had seen online was $25. Stopped at Barnes and Noble for a half priced day calendar. Then it was off to the optometrist. I was already annoyed with them because I had to pay $50 to have them watch me put my contacts in. So going in I figured my sore throat would be good for me, and it was. I had an apt and showed on time but the Dr must have been behind so I had to wait about 15 min, not too bad. He had me read a couple of eye charts and then sent me back out. I was literally in there 2 min tops. That's right $50 for watch me put in my contacts the week before (aprox 1 min) and then 2 min this week. I really need to get a job where I make $50 for less than 5 min of my time. Anyways, so I go sit down because I have to see a different girl to place an order for contacts. You know cause I couldn't just do that the first time I came in (annoying.) Well this girl was busy and then somehow two people who came in after me got ahead of me. But I just sat quietly with my back to the people waiting for my name to be called. I was there like 30 min and spent about 7 min talking to people. Anyway annoyed, but was quiet about it.

Went home for a couple hours, had some lunch. Played online and watched some tv. Then at 2:30 it was off to school again. Before you start classes you are supposed to take these tests during an orientation but I was working at the time. So I had to go take one of the tests. This excursion involved much more talking than I was expecting. First basic chit chat awkwardly while I and my councilor were waiting for someone to administer the test. Then awkward chit chat with the test administrator. And then more chit chat with my councilor again and then a financial advisor, thought they call them the 'business dept.' Lots of talking, to much talking. The test was weird too. Ok not really weird questions but weird since I am already taking classes. It had three sections math, reading, writing. The math had subtracting and multiplying fractions. Who remembers how to do that? I probably failed but I guess it shouldn't matter. I have to take a religion test next week too. It was implied that before you graduate you retake the tests, its to see how the teachers do. Besides that I found out that I owe like $225 to the school in other fees not covered by the company. They wanted it immediately but I didn't even know I would have these fees so they pushed it to the end of the month. So now I really want to work some overtime so I can pay for this and I am not even sure I can go to work tomorrow. I'm trying not to think about it. 

So again I went home. And I was sitting here doing nothing. Knowing that I should be doing homework or something productive. And as the time moved closer to 6:30 I couldn't figure out what to do. The plan was to just say I couldn't help because I was sick. But honestly I have a little bit of a runny nose but really the only thing wrong is my voice. So I am not really sick and I could see they really needed help, so stayed and played. I worked with the cubbies, their 3-4 year olds. At first I tried to talk very little but that didn't really work. So I worked with the kids talking as I needed to, staying silent when I could. After church I saw my sister and her family. I have been wanting to talk to her for awhile so threw caution to the wind and just talked. I was happy my voice didn't disappear. Just a few min of catching up was so painful but it really felt nice to get to talk to someone. I keep wanting to call my dad too but it is just so painful when I try to talk regular. Plus I really need to save my voice if I am going to make it to work tomorrow.

Everyone keeps saying tea. I really hate tea. In fact I hate tea more than I hate coffee. So I don't really know what to do. I have been constantly drinking Sierra Mist or Sprite because that feels good on the throat. And I am trying to be careful on what I am eating as well. Which is actually driving me crazy because I am totally craving mexican food. So anyone interested as soon as my throat is back I am heading to either Carlos O'brian's or maybe Garcia's. Both sound so delicious. A pollo fundido sounds soooo good right now. I think that is my whole day. A long post I know. But I can't talk so I am writing instead. 

Sick

I know for a first post it should be a little lighter and nicer but I am just tired of the stupid myspace because now it won't allow any paragraph breaks.

Yesterday was a long day. I woke up at 6am left the house at 6:30 am and didn't get home till almost midnight. A very long day only made longer by me not feeling very well. I had class at 8am, I showed up early as I still had to get my official schedule and find my classes. Travel time doesn't seem to be bad so I am going to be able to push my 'time to leave' to 7am.  

My first class is Eng 102. The syllabus seems to be pretty scary for the class and I really wish I had passed the class when I took it at community college. We first have an essay so the teacher can see our writing style, really an assignment for the four of us who didn't take 101 first semester. In fact only the four of us have to show up for class wed and the other 9 in class get to skip class. I know a really small class. After that we will have 5 5 page reasearch papers plus he is trying out a new project on us. We are going to pick two magazines, write to editors to ask what they look for in an article. And then we are to write an article and come up with pictures and submit it to the magazine. Creative yes, but I don't want to write for a magazine. I have no interest in being published and think it is just silly to waste the magazine editors time. But that may just me be whining. This class is going to be a lot of work!

My second class is biblical interpretation. Seems pretty basic, we have a text book we will be reading, using the bible in every class, (I actually have to go find a New American Standard Bible to use for the class) regular homework assignment, and the teacher seems pretty cool. This class is much larger at about 42 classmates. I guess they had a long waitlist so they put it in  a bigger room. Being a last min add I am glad they did but I am sympathetic to the teacher handling all of us. 

It was interesting though. I honestly don't get a lot of calls or texts. But during my first class I got a text from my sister. So after class I checked my phone. My classes are next door to each other so I went next door, found a seat, and started texting her back. Well I notice that nobody else is using their cell phones. No texting, no calls between class. Yes, it is 9am but I don't think I have been in a class with no cells being used. I figure it is because at least 85% of the class lives on campus and dorms are about 150 feet away. 

So while at school I don't really talk; giving my name, answering a question or two. But when I do my voice is very scratchy. So I was already worried about going to work that evening. I get work and at first I am ok but as the day goes on my voice gets worse and worse. At the end of the day I sound like an old smoker. Today, I can't even talk. I am so glad I have a couple days off. I don't know why I can't seem to kick this stupid cold. It is very annoying! I just want to feel better. I just keep taking medicine and nothing is doing the trick. I thought I was getting better for awhile there but my anxiety probably hurt that. I just hate it because I am giving a horrible first impression at school because I feel bad and can't talk. And when I do talk I sound like a freak. So people are trying to be friendly I try but it is just so hard since i can't talk. I have so much I need to do as well and I was hoping I would feel better by today so I could get to my list of things to do done but I really want to take it easy so that this cold will go away. So here I sit on my  couch trying to wish away my cold.