Flashback

Shortly after coming home from my writing group tonight I started a half hour show on hulu to unwind before bed. I hear outside a large engined truck which sounds like it is idling in front of my house. Although this is normal during early morning and day light hours not at 10:30 pm. So I go look out the window. There is a fire truck outside my house. I watch as several fire men get out and go to a house across the street. I pray for them because it is all I can do. I do not know them by name only by site. They speak only spanish and I only english. But they are nice and I pray that God's hand would be on whatever is going on inside that house. As I stand, staring out the window, I realize that I can not pull myself away. And then, verbally, I say to no one at all, "The last time I saw a fire truck outside of my house my mother died." And it is true. There was a fire truck and many police cars and an ambulance, it was very busy outside my front door. I only remember seeing a moment of it as I passed by an open door on the way to my brothers room. I use this memory to hope that whatever is going on next door is not too bad; there are no police and still no ambulance. After I don't know how long, seemed like forever, an ambulance comes. I watch as they take the man of the house on the stretcher into the ambulance. He appears to be awake but is hooked up to machines and an iv. His wife gets in their van and is pulling out before the ambulance even moves. I hope that the medics slow speed means that he is ok. I never see firefighters and paramedics run around like they do in movies and on tv. Do they do that? If it was a real emergency would they at least walk fast? -- The ambulance, van, and fire truck all leave and I go back to my show. Both thinking about the man across the street and remembering the night my mother died. I had hoped to go to bed early, wake up early. But now my brain is going and I do not want to go alone to my bed with my thoughts on such sad things. I end up staying up, painting my nails, watching 2.5 hours on hulu, and eating a mini cake (500 Cal) that I had received for my birthday. Painful memories are hard to handle and I am still learning how to deal with them. So now it is one am and I am still not asleep. I bet I will wake up late again tomorrow. :( I am not liking the cycle that I am in. And I tried to get myself out but then something like this stops me. Grrr, life.