I know I haven't blogged in forever, at least it feels that way. Nothing new has happened. Everyday is a fight. I fight myself about exercising. I fight myself over what I am going to eat. All day long it is this stupid fight and I hate it! But I feel like that is my life. I have to fight for it. If I don't fight then what? I give up. I don't want to get back up to 300 again. No, no, no. So I fight.
I just weighed myself and I am back up to 280 from last week's 277, a 3lb gain. I am not surprised by this as I have been eating way too much food. I did manage to go to three Holy Yoga classes this week and I tried to go to a Zumba class but it was cancelled.
In my Holy Yoga classes I feel stronger but my waist is definitely bigger. My pants are all tight, it is very frustrating especially since this means my new work out pants are tight. Grrr.
As always, tomorrow is a new day, tomorrow is the start of a new week. I fly out to see my sister in 11 short days. Ok, they are going to feel like forever because that is a week and a half. But still I am totally excited!!
Though it reminds me of another goal failed. I was hoping to be 240 by the time I flew out there. The truth is I haven't lost a single pound, and it has been months. This is so hard! Why is it so hard! I am clearly not fighting hard enough. I try to look at the positives. I got A's in all my Spring semester classes. I am ahead two weeks in my summer classes and have A's in those classes as well. I am a faithful volunteer. I have started doing Yoga and spending more time focused on God. I have given up babysitting job after babysitting job on Saturday nights to keep my commitment of going to church Saturday nights. I have reached for a job I couldn't get because, why not. I didn't let the desire for friends change my core beliefs. I am amazing at 280 lbs! I am more than the number on the scale!
I just wish I knew it a little more often.
***
This week I will not track my calories.
I will try to get off caffeine again.
I plan to go to Holy Yoga or Revelation Fitness classes 6 times this week but will not beat myself up if I do not make it to all of them.
I know it's a struggle. I struggle with it every single day. It's a struggle to make the right choices sometimes, but you do it because you know what making the wrong choice will get you.
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