More like me.

*This blog is more like me then several of my last blogs. I have been trying to fit some mold of what people like and what will make people happy. This blog is for me and if you want to share in it great and if not then that is ok. My blogs are wordy and often written right before bed. They include my health but also everything else in my life because my health is only one part of my life. I have not re-read this so if there are grammar errors keep them to yourself please because I come with grammar errors.

I have spent all week trying to teach my body that 1900 calories is enough. I have spent all week training my body that going to be before 11 pm is a good thing. Then I throw it all down the drain today. I go over my calories (close to 3100) and here I am at 1:20 am and still awake. It is because I am frustrated. I am upset, but really I am confused. I wish I had someone to talk it out with but everyone seems (or is) so far away. I feel lonely.

I mentioned that my boss was applying for a teaching job. Well she got it and will be teaching 3rd grade next year. They are now accepting applications for her position. I of course applied by giving them an updated resume. The thing is God told me that I am not going to get the job. I heard it, accepted it and moved on. Then my co-workers got all excited for me and pushed me again to get excited. I remembered God's words but thought it doesn't hurt to let the principal know I am interested in more than my current position. Then the first time that the principal spoke with me about the job something the way she said it or really I believe God again said that I would not get this position. It was another blow. This time I really felt it. My boss and co-workers, friends and family that I talked to all said no big deal. They were all very positive and encouraging. But I would not let myself. I knew what I heard.

Yesterday my boss asked for another copy of my resume. The principal had not passed it on to her and she is the one reviewing all of the resume's that come in. I am conflicted how do I apply for a job that I know that I will not get. I rationalize it that I am just putting myself out there. Letting "them" know I want more. But aren't I going against what God has said to me? This thought is what leaves me frustrated and confused.

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If I don't put my resume in then she doesn't have to try to pretend I contend with these people. If I don't apply then I don't have to make an embarrassment of myself. Many parents assume I will take the position, though all that I have met assume that I have a BA like all the other employee's at the school. If they knew that I had nothing more then a high school diploma would they feel the same way about me?

I love my job. I love working where I work. I don't know where I would go if I had to leave this school. My co-workers say I should start applying other places that way I can use that as leverage toward getting the position. My answer is simply, no. If I do not get the job then I still love what I currently do and do not want to start over in some other company as part of some power play. Though of course I leave out the fact that God has told me I won't get the job.

I keep getting headaches this week. I have one right now. At first I thought it was lingering caffeine headache but I know better. It must be a tension/stress headache. I usually use food to numb the pain and without the food my body seems to be giving me headache's instead. Though tonight I ate over my calories but each bite was stressful since I knew I shouldn't be eating it. So I kind of added stress to my stress.

I don't know what tomorrow will bring. Probably sleep in and a little laundry. Hopefully a little less stress.