The Truth

Hello my blog reading friends. I know it has been a long time and one of you (violinist) recently pointed this out to me. So the question is "How am I doing?" a great question but let me first tell you why I haven't been posting.

Here I blog about me. My truths. I put everything out their for you to read, the whole world to read. I try to live my life under the thought that if I am embarrassed by it I shouldn't be doing it. So with that I can post my life because I am not ashamed of it, or at least I shouldn't be. I write about everything. Personal life, church, I am careful with work posts, family stuff, everything. This is my journal. I have never really been fond of a hand written journal. I type so much faster then hand writing and so it closer to the rate the thoughts flow from my head. The speed is also a time saver I find. :)

So why? Why did I stop writing. I have been asked this several times, recently actually. I have had many excuses but I think the truth is that I was still hurt from what happened with I applied for the priorfatgirl blog. If you don't remember I had applied to be a regular poster on there. I made it to the top ten and then when I posted about myself on the blog I was torn apart due to my grammar. I tried hard to pretend it didn't hurt and I also worked hard at trying to teach myself better grammar. The truth is that every time I posted that was all I could think about. Did I make a mistake? Did I miss some grammar error that people are going to make fun of me for? Even a few lines ago I had to stop and correct a their to a there. So my posts became less and less as I became more and more self conscious of what I was putting out into the world to just be judged on. I spent more and more time on each blog trying to make sure everything was exactly correct.

Well no more. I am who I am. I struggle with learning names and I sometimes can't read a word that I have read a dozen or more times. Sometimes my brain just does not understand that there is a difference between their and there or loose and lose. I don't know why my brain is this way but I do know that I am okay with who I am. See because if you don't like my grammar then you don't have to read my grammar. And some days, like yesterday, I am going to post from my iPhone or I won't have time to re-read what I have written and so it may come out a little jumbled and confusing. I may mix up words and it won't be perfect. But I have so many more important things to think about and spend my time on then worrying about a random stranger on the internet not liking my grammar. So thank you to everyone who encouraged me to start posting again. I will.

***

A quick what have I been up to.

1. Received my AAS degree in Early Education
2. Currently work at a private preschool where I teach a class of 4 year olds full time.
3. I am still actively involved in my church, Living Streams. I help with nursery, sunday breakfast and have now added college leader mentor to the list.
4. I still think about the mission trip to Belize I took last May. I can't believe how long it has been since I was there.
5. Not going for BA yet, first year teaching is crazy enough on it's own.
6. Dealing with teeth issues. In Oct I had an extraction and a root canal. Then end of Nov the root canal cracked so now it has to be extracted plus I have another root canal to have done but the timing keeps not working out but I can't let it get worse because I am already down two molars I am not going to loose a third. - Brush your teeth and make your kids brush their teeth.
7. Finally got a smart phone, love it!
8. Not dating and haven't lost any weight recently just maintaing which is good.

Service

This weekend I spent a lot of time serving. I usually try to be in the background but sometimes the way I am helping is in front of people. I don't mind especially when I am working with kids. I love that! 

The problem with being in front of people are the comments. "Why do help so much?" "You are amazing!" "I can't believe all you do." "You make me feel so lazy." On and on with comments. It is nice. I appreciate the comments and everyone means really well. The problem is that after I hear this over and over I start to think about why I am doing so much. Then as I go to clean up church breakfast, by myself because my helper forgot and is sick. I walk into a dark and quiet gym and I just want to sleep. I push the carts to the kitchen and stare at them. "I don't want to. Can't someone else do this?" Then I stop myself and close my eyes as I lean against the cart full of work to do. "Why am I doing this?" I ask myself and I immediately know that I do it because He called me to it. I don't do any service because I want the praise or the recognition I do it because God has placed it on my heart to do it. He has given me joy with children, a contagious smile and an eye for details. So I as I remind myself of exactly why I am in the kitchen cleaning it is easy to go back to work. The work comes easy and I don't mind it. 

The last church I went to people would often say to me "there is another jewel in your crown." At first I was confused I didn't understand what they were talking about. I hadn't heard this before. I was told that we are given a crown in heaven and when we serve Christ it adds jewels to our crown. This has never really sat with me well and honestly I have looked and there are no verses that actually say this. However in 1 Peter 5:4 it says when Christ returns we will be given a crown that will not fade away. There are many other verses that do say we will get a crown of righteousness and gold. This weekend we were singing a song during worship with the words of throwing our crowns at the feet of Jesus. I have sung this song many times before but this weekend in the midst of receiving praise it finally clicked. I don't know what kind of crown we will have or if their will be jewels on it but if there is I will throw it at Christ's feet because what I do is not for the jewels or the praise it is for my Heavenly Father who loves me dearly. 

Only 24 hours

Time. We all have the same amount and yet we never feel like we have enough. I started a new job three weeks ago. I am working full time for the first time in 4 years. I was able to work part time previously as I was going to school. I had been hoping that with my AAS in Early Education I could get a good paying full time job, not so much. Even though my pay dropped with the additional hours I am making more then I was at my part time job. It is not my favorite job but it is in the field I love so that is enough for now.

Working full time is exhausting and definitely fills my day. However now I want to get my BA in Early Education. The problem? Can I handle this much to do in a day/week. I have always struggled in the past with working full time and going to school. I don't want to go and then drop out. I want to succeed and with that I need to be aware of my history with school.

Right now I am looking into Ottawa University. They offer online classes and they are 8 week courses which is exactly what I want. There is a discount because I graduated from a Maricopa Community College. If I go full time it will take 2 years but full time is a lot of work. Plus I will have the student teaching I will need to do. Which reminds me I need to find out how long those are.

At work I don't get a break. I work 8 hours straight through, which yes is legal here in AZ. This means I don't really have a lunch break. Sometimes I eat with the kids but not always as I float from room to room right now. This means that I am not always in a room when they are eating lunch. Breakfast is usually on the go. Sometimes I do the Ideal Shakes and other times I grab a granola bar or two to eat. My Fitbit (pedometer) shows I am walking over 10K steps a day now. I have doubled to tripled my steps from before. This is all good but I am not really loosing weight. I end up snacking during the day and then binging at night. So I make up my calories and then some everyday. I am hoping that for the fall I will be placed in a classroom making a regular schedule for me. I should find out next week and then figure out a better eating schedule from there.

So that is what is up with me lately. Busy, busy, and may get busier soon.

Something New

So here I go again. Another attempt to shed the unwanted pounds. I have tried a million things before and none have really worked. I have been working on myself through Celebrate Recovery and other small groups I attend. With school, work, and a mission trip to Belize I have been so overwhelmed that my weight was not at the forefront of my mind. Now school is done, I am back from Belize, a week with my sister's family visiting is past and now I feel like it is time. Time to take a new step toward having a healthier body.

I know what you are thinking, what interesting (gimmicky) thing is she going to try this time? Glad you asked. For at least a year maybe longer I have been using protein powders and meal replacement powders off and on. It is easy and provides the nutrients that I need. Plus I am always on the go and these are fast and portable. Nature's Bounty has a new line called Optimal Solutions. This includes a shake mix in either chocolate or vanilla. I went through two containers of this. It tastes good but I can't get the powder to fully mix in. I normally use a blender bottle but also tried a mixer. I would say 98% of the powder mixes in but the other two percent stays in small chunks. I did buy a second bottle so it's not to annoying but something I noticed. I did run into a problem that it made me gassy. I am slightly lactose intolerant so I suspect it was the lactose but I don't know for sure. Concerned about lactose I bought a Naturade Total Soy meal replacement. I bought a large bag from Sam's Club in chocolate. This is good but it is very thick. I often add extra milk to thin it out. With both I use my soy vanilla milk.

As you know I am always looking for the next "fix" to this weight problem. Though some internet research I came across two shake based programs; ViSalus and Ideal Shape. Each use their shake as the base of their program and then provide additional products to supplement it. ViSalus provides only a vanilla powder and then with their kits include flavors that you can add to your shake. They have many supplements but the one I was thinking about is a hunger blocker pill. Many reviewers I saw recommended having these in addition. Ideal Shape has shakes in both vanilla and chocolate and their shake has hunger blocker included in the powder. They also focus on not just the food but on the mental aspect and their kits include hypnosis cd's. I have tried hypnosis in the past with no success so when comparing the two I did not include this aspect.

The cost of ViSalus is more expensive per month and from my research they have a  larger following then Ideal Shape. However through much online research it appears that Ideal Shape tastes better. In addition Ideal Shape leaves you fuller without having to take an added pill. Still the cost seemed high so I was hesitant and continued to look around. The internet, trying to be helpful, kept advertising GNC Total Lean products to me. So I went to see what they had to offer and how they compared. They have the shakes in over ten flavors. They also have hunger blocker pills to take as well. Checking reviews people seemed to find success using these products. The most interesting thing about the Total Lean is on their web site. It encourages you to take a Total Lean Challenge and then to find your plan. You put in your basic body type information and then it gives you a meal plan. No where on the meal plan does it tell you to use their product! Who does that? I figured the point was to get me to use your products but instead you are laying out a plan of healthy foods for me to eat. I love that!

So which did I select? I went with Ideal Shape. I bought a 60 day supply and included I have two hypnosis cd's that I will use as they lay out in their plan. I was shocked by how fast the products came but why wait right? I decided to also supplement it with a couple of GNC Total Lean products. First is a CLA pill that helps cut fat faster, specifically targeting the stomach area. The other product is their Pre-Diet Cleanse. It is a liquid that I drink four times a day between meals for two days.

I started the Pre-Diet Cleanse yesterday and am continuing it through today. I am supposed to only eat fruits and vegetables during the 48 hours so I am trying my best. Yesterday I started out with a strawberry smoothy for breakfast, had hummus and pita chips for lunch, and then dinner was a modge podge including a salad, cherries, and a cucumber. The drink isn't too bad. I mix 4 oz of the product with 4 oz of water. It has a citrus flavor but because it separates and I because I am supposed to drink it slowly the last gulp is usually the worst. At this point I haven't really noticed it do anything but will continue throughout today as well.

Tomorrow I will start my Ideal Shape plan. I decided that I want to try and replace two please with shakes and have a sensible dinner. The shakes are not many calories so I will include healthy snacks in between meals as well. I will try to keep you updated on how this all goes.

To Daydream

          I love to daydream. To let my mind wander to alternate paths for my life. To envision a life that I will not lead, like a fairy tale. This is how I come up with my NaNoWriMo stories in November. An idea that started as a daydream becomes words on the page. This week I have been daydreaming.

            This week reality has been hard. My church family lost two members this week. One to a freak accident while changing his breaks, something I have done many times before myself. The other to a battle with cancer. I knew both in passing but I was not close to them. However all week I have seen the pain that my circle of friends have been going through. The stories and pictures the post or talk about. It is a reminder of how fragile we are and how we never know when our time is up.

            For me I pull away from reality. I make up stories about the life I wish I was living. Dreams of marriage and children; now they even include ways of helping or living in Belize. As I sat in church tonight worshiping and praying I found myself kneeling at the feet of Christ and He didn’t want to hear a story. No, He wanted to hear my heart. To know how I felt and what I was going through. He didn’t want to hear about some fake version of myself but from the Angela He had created.

            As I drove home I tried to think again back to the story in my head but I couldn’t. See the reality is I hurt because my friends are mourning the loss of their friends. I am confused about what is next with work and fear that I will not join the right company. I hate that I am not getting the hours I thought I would over the summer and that now I feel rushed to find something else to help me pay my bills.

            It is okay to daydream, I am sure I will do it again in the not too off future. Doing it instead of feeling how I am feeling or instead of taking my emotions to Christ is not what I should be doing. 

Update

A couple days ago, on the 12th, I turned 31. I actually feel like I belong in a new category now. I am definitely don't feel in my twenties anymore. Of course it wasn't an overnight thing but more of a gradual change. I didn't really do anything for my birthday, free breakfast at Denny's on the 12th and dinner at Red Lobster with myself on the 13th. In a couple weeks I will go up to Prescott for a day and then the next day go up to Flagstaff to see a friend that just moved up there. 

Life is so hectic right now. I am in the final seven weeks of my associates degree. I am doing an internship, work, and three classes on top of that. In addition I am working on crafts for a craft fair for Belize and my roommates are changing. It is a lot!

Belize: Right now I have 40% funding! Praise the Lord!! But I still need 60%, close to $1000 more. So if you can help I would really appreciate your support. www.gofundme.com/20zyrg I am also posting updates here as I go along if you would like to check them out. We are doing a craft fair at my church after the Saturday service and both Sunday services the weekend of April 13th and 14th. We also got a spot at the Central Farmers Market for Saturday March 30th. I have been working on crafts including elastic hair bands, three flower head wreaths, and 10 paintings. Two of them are big but most of them are small so they didn't take forever but they are time consuming. I made all of these with the church craft fair in mind but with the addition of the Farmers Market I want to do a few more paintings. I do worry that I am going to take all this time and then they won't sell. I will end up with a wall of art after this. The only really bad part of this is the money that I am spending on the crafts, I need to make enough to at least cover the cost of making everything. So if you make any crafts and would be willing to donate them for me to sell that would be awesome as well. If you want to see the art I have made so far it is on my facebook page. 

Roommates: I currently live with my older brother and his wife. They will close on a house tomorrow and over the next week they will move out and my younger brother and his fiancé will move in. I get along with both of my brothers and sister-in-law's just as well. So it in itself is not a problem. But it is still a little weird having half the house in boxes. I have to replace, or try to find in my boxes a few random things like a toaster, spatula's, a router, etc. Oh, and apparently I only own one spice and now the spice cabinet is empty. All of the flour, sugar, and other baking items are also my brother's. It is a little weird that I am not moving but I need to buy a few things as if I was just moving somewhere. I keep feeling the need to make changes myself to my area. I have wanted to make changes for awhile but of course I need to wait till I get a full time job and can pay for the stuff I want with cash not credit. This should not change just because my brothers are moving but it definitely makes the desire to buy new stuff greater. At this point I have rationalized myself down to just wanting to get a new mattress while my dad has a trailer in town. I can't figure out how old my mattress is, I know it is not new by any means. I have a lot of sleeping issues. I have mentioned before that I take melatonin to help me fall asleep. I wonder if part of my problem is my mattress. So I don't know. I still can't decide. 

Internship: 80 hours in 12 days over three weeks = Exhausted. Teacher is going to observe me on day 10 and I am supposed to be the lead teacher. This seems crazy to me and yes I am totally nervous that I will have no control over the class when she comes. Five days left.

School: There is not much to say about this. I am done. I don't want to do any more school work. I feel so done with it. Sometimes I consider going straight to my BA but really I know there is now way I could do more school work after this semester. I will of course push through and get it done but I do not want to anymore. 

Stuffed

I, for as long as I can remember, have overeaten. Eaten continuously until I am stuffed and then past that. I don't know when it changed but I don't really do that anymore. Don't get me wrong I definitely overeat. I go over my calories and eat to much but I do not eat to the extent that my stomach is in pain. For my birthday I went with my dad to a Chinese buffet. I was good about eating only a little bit of different things. If I didn't like something I didn't continue eating it. I was pretty good about stopping when I was getting full and just grabbed a couple small desert items when I saw crab legs.

I have recently watched the first eight seasons of Deadliest Catch. Since I started watching I wanted to try actual crab legs. I had not had the chance until this moment. So I put down my dessert plate and grabbed two crab legs. I needed help from dad on how to get to the meat of the legs. Honestly it was a little weird at first to eat it. Knowing that I had just seen many live crabs and it is different since it the actual leg. This of course was just a momentary lapse and I enjoyed my crab. I don't think this will become a regular thing as I prefer someone else to do the hard work of getting the crab out of the legs for me.

All this to say that I ate way to much. My stomach felt really full and it was very uncomfortable. We had to stop at Home Depot quickly and felt so uncomfortable walking around so full. Tonight I went out to Red Lobster. A meal by myself for my birthday, a time of reflection and thought. The last time I went I way overate. It has been many months, I don't remember when, and I regretted it the moment I did it. Today I didn't do that. I ate till I was full and I stopped. There were still shrimp and lobster on my plate but I did not finish it just finish it. It wasn't until after the waiter took my plate that I had connected this. That I had no interest in overeating to the point of pain. I think this is a huge accomplishment.

Correction: Mission Trip Support Letter

CORRECTION: The link had 2 letters switched I have corrected the link. www.gofundme.com/20zyrg

The following is a support letter I sent out to family and friends. I wanted to also share this with you to let you know more about what I am doing this year. 

            I have the exciting opportunity to go to Gales Point, Belize this year with my church. From April 27^th to May 5^th my team will travel with two goals in mind. The first is to complete a revitalization project. This will include improvements to the local school as well as cleaning yards and homes. Second we will take 30 women, who regularly attend the local church group, on a three day women’s retreat. Throughout the week we will focus on spending time with the community, sharing our faith and praying with villagers.

            I am writing to ask you to prayerfully consider joining our team through your support.  First, please partner with me in praying for the people we will be serving, for my health and effectiveness as a team member, and for the many details of this trip.

Second, before I go I have to raise my own support. The cost is $1800 and I need your help. For airfare and lodging it will cost $1000. The additional $800 will go toward the project as well as food and lodging for 30 women on a nearby island Caye Caulker. Will you be one of my financial sponsors by giving towards my trip?

If you would like to join the team as a sponsor you can make an online donation at www.gofundme.com/20zyrg . Any amount is appreciated and will help, no matter how small. Any contributions I collect beyond $1800 will go to additional group-wide mission trip expenses.

Over the next few months please pray that God would keep us safe on our journey, the group would work well together and God would prepare the hearts of those who we will share with in Gales Point.

I look forward to doing God's work and letting you know all about how He has worked in me and through this team when we return. Thank you for your prayers and support.

God Bless

Belize

I feel like I never stop moving. This is my fourth week as an intern in a 2 year old room. It is going great. Everyone thinks that I am a natural and this is the age I should stick with. I love the kids but I feel like I am a little more structured then this age group. Everything is just so free flowing and the schedule is so loose. I understand exactly why they do it, it is necessary. So it is not my favorite but if offered a job in this age group I would totally take it.

In addition to this I have been working and doing other classes. I can't say I have no free time but I feel like I am constantly busy. I keep meaning to blog but I feel like I never have time. So I have totally exciting news I am going to go on a mission trip to Gales Point, Belize April 27th to May 5th with my church. Many years ago a couple from my church went down there and lived for a year helping start a church. The church has grown and flourished, the pastor is from the village. Last year and then again this year we are doing a women's retreat and men's retreat for the village. My group will be going down for a week and spending the first half doing a project, probably helping the school they have. Then for the second half we will take 30 women to a nearby island on a retreat. We will plan break out sessions where each of us will have a verse to talk on. I am pretty excited!

Now the tricky part. First, the cost $1800 per person. That is a lot of money. Most of the money is actually to cover the cost of taking the women on the retreat. I am living very carefully with my budgeting so I am not really going to put much toward the trip. We are having fundraisers and I will send out sponsor letters to ask others to help me with the cost. I trust that God knows where every penny will come from. I am being pretty good so far about when I want to go out to eat reminding myself that I am trying to save money for the trip and not eating out. I have eaten lots of ramen noodles and protein bars for the cause.

The second concern I had was about school. My online classes end on April 27th. If you remember from above that is the same day that we fly to Belize. I had been mostly concerned with this but the Lord has given me peace about it. I had two classes ending that day but I was able to move things around and now it is only one. Then I found out more details about the class ending that day and it appears that the big project for the class is due the week before and the last week I just review how the process went or something to that effect. So now I am pretty calm about all that. If I wanted to walk in an actual ceremony it would cost $25 and be on May 8th. I don't really want to. People keep asking me why and so after some thought I think it is because it is like the production of wedding but not as cool. I have wait in lines and crowds and my friends and family would have to wait around too for the ceremony to start and park far away and then all of us would have to listen to boring speeches that nobody cares about and all that all for my name to be called and to walk across a stage for something that I am going to get if I walk across the stage or not. My high school graduation was boring and I don't see that my college graduation is any better (especially after it took 13 years!) So I figure instead of cards or time I will ask people to support my trip to Belize because it's kind of what I am doing for graduation instead.

Last weekend we had a fundraiser at the church. We sold items for the "Big Game." I baked a million cookies, ok like 9 dozen.  I also made honey almonds, spicy almonds, and a snack mix. It took a day and a half. We also had home made salsa, football shaped cookies, bean deep, brownies, home made fudge, rice krispe treats, and home made fluff dip.  In total we made about $800 due to some very generous people at the church. Right now we have nine people going, the number may still change, so that is like $80 a person. So I kind of only have to raise $1720 more, kind of.

Well I should be working on my sponsor letter or homework instead of blogging right now so I should probably get to it.

Stuck in Funk

I want to keep this as little negative info as possible so it will be short and brief. It has been a really hard week. Sometime last weekend I just kind of broke. I do that sometimes when things get too emotionally stressful my body just kind of shuts down its systems. So for the last week I have struggled at getting to places on time, I didn't do homework till last min on saturday. There was no exercising and I did not track my food all week. It has been rough.

However, I have finally reminded myself that this is not how I want to live and am picking myself up and dusting myself off. It will take a few days to get myself back to where I should be, to where I was. But I know that I can.

How did I get out of my funk? It was a combination of realizing I was going to miss my Saturday night church, which I LOVE to go to, because I was being so lazy I wouldn't get out of the Denny's booth and go pay for my food and drive across town. I did go but was a half hour late. It literally took 45 min of convincing myself. Anyways, then the service was great and reminded me that God wants more for me and this numbness was getting in the way. Then of course I remind myself of a verse that has become very important to me. Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord. "Plans to prosper not to harm. Plans for a hope and a future." Being late, missing homework, and spending countless hours watching stupid tv shows while surfing Pinterest is not the plans God has for me. He was so much more! He wants me to prosper but I have to make the choice to do so. And it is this that helps me get out of my funk.

This is why...

This is why I always give up. This is why I always fail. I have spent 10 days fighting cravings. 10 days exercising nearly everyday. Making sure to always take extra steps here and there. I have been staying close to my calorie goal with my average being 500 under the last couple weeks. (The goal calories putting me at losing 2 lbs a week.) Tonight I stepped on the scale, thinking it had been a while it was time to check and what does the scale say? 292! In 10 days I have not gained or lost anything! Why am I pushing myself so hard. Why am I passing up the food that I want when it apparently doesn't even matter! Ahhhhhhh!!!!

I know what you want to say. "Muscle weighs more then fat." "You have to give it time." NO! How is it that my body never loses weight the first month that I exercise! How is this possible? This is not the first time I have said this on this blog. It is so annoying! Why go through so much pain so much talking myself away from food and away from the drive threw when it doesn't make a difference? I know, "what about my clothes? I bet they are feeling looser." NO! In fact all week my pants have been tight it has been awful and today I didn't think I would button them. So please tell me how my waist is growing larger now that I am eating less and exercising more!

I don't understand.

Pause Before Eating

Things have been going well. I am working on school work, watching dogs, volunteering, working a little bit. I have also been tracking all of my food and exercising. Ok. I didn't exercise yesterday but a day off is not horrible and I still made sure to do lots of walking. Right now I am hitting about 6000 steps a day. Of course the system wants me to be at 10K a day but I will work up to that, maybe.

This morning I had agreed to volunteer for Koman again but not until eleven. I got up and worked out doing my third Kettle Worx video, resistance. It was difficult but with a few breaks I got through it. Though this time I was too tired to do anything else. I volunteered, went to work and then to bible study. I got home and changed into my work out clothes, I wanted to burn a few more calories before I ended my day. Here is where the problem came in.

Back in November I bought a pretty new Macbook because my old computer was six and dying. I have used the old computer to connect to my tv to watch Hulu and Netflix. Mostly because plugging this one in will be more difficult and expensive. The old computer has gotten worse and worse. At one point I couldn't get it to turn on at all. Today it crashed a couple times while playing Hulu so I thought I would try this trick to wipe off a bunch of information I no longer needed. Well it didn't work. The computer is totally fried and won't get past the first grey loading screen, it won't even soft boot. This all happened between work and bible study.

When I got home from bible study, as I said, I went and changed into work out clothes, came out into the living room and only then realized that I couldn't watch Hulu on my tv because my old computer was dead. I can stream on my new computer but couldn't figure out a place to put the computer while I worked out. I have a dvd player but I really wanted to watch hulu because I have a long list of shows to watch. So I sat down, started my show on my laptop and then started thinking about what I wanted to eat. I even considered going back to the Jack in the Box I had passed on the way home to get some junk food. It was this thought that flashed me back to reality. I was out of calories. I didn't have anymore to eat. So maybe I didn't have to exercise but go eat thousands of calories because your dying computer finally died?! That is crazy. How many times have I justified eating things just like this. I mean I would have eating food that satisfied in the moment and I would have watched the shows I wanted to so what is the bad side? But it is not what I want long term.

I closed my computer and sat for just a minute to think about an alternative and then duh! Like a big palm to my forehead. My brother and sil were out and they have a hookup to there tv for the same type of computer. The solution was that easy, right there ten feet away. It is so ingrained in me that I need eat to pacify the uncomfortable feelings that I am having. I was mad that things weren't going how I wanted them to. Okay be mad. But instead of eating a thousand calories and then figuring out the solution just stop for a second. Think about it, go to God about it. I know I will do it again. It is my habit. It is the easy temporary solution. I am glad that this time I stopped went across the way and burned 400 calories stair stepping and got to watch my show.

Long days begin

The craziness has begun. Today I was supposed to start my day at 7am but I am still working on switching my schedule around so I was up at 8:30. At 9 I had a phone call with the teacher who is supervising my internships. I got ready and waited for the call. The call went well and as I had thought fairly quickly. I made myself I nice breakfast of sausage and cheese omelet and a plain bagel with chive cream cheese.

After breakfast it was time to run out the door. From time to time I help my local Susan G Komen with data entry or mundane tasks they need done. From 10 to noon I entered in checks into the system, (I am great at data entry from my years in call centers.) I had to scoot at noon and go across town to let some dogs out for a family. I babysit for they two kids all the time, they are great. The mom's grandfather passed away so she had to fly out to South Carolina for the week. Although dad and the kids are still in town they wanted to have the dogs let out mid-day this week so I am helping out.

After dog watching I went home. I was starting to get hungry but I had to exercise first. Back in November I was wandering the aisles of Target when I saw on a clearance section the 10lb Kettle Worx system for $18 down from the normal $60. If you haven't seen it, it consists of one 10 lb kettle bell and six dvd's with 20 min work-outs to follow. I had been eying it for some time on the shelf at various stores but I didn't need a new work out system. But at that price I snatched it up. As you know Nov is crazy for me so it just sat in my living room unopened. Then in December, my brother (roommate) decided to start using it and so I thought I should try too. They have three dvd's cardio, core, and resistance. You do one of each every week for six weeks. Each dvd has six different workouts to go through, so it gets progressively more difficult. I did it once and was sore for two days and did not got back to it. My sister-in-law did the same. My brother did manage to do it for two full weeks before they went on vacation. So here I am in January, trying to get rid of these pounds so Sunday I did the Cardio and today I needed to do the Core. I was still sore from Sunday's workout but I knew I had to do it anyways. So I did it! Let me tell you the Core workout is not as exhausting as the Cardio so I wanted to do more.

In December I had driven out to see a friend, we met out at the Tempe Marketplace. We have the tradition of watching all of the Twilight movies together. After we hung out and parted ways I decided to stop by Sports Authority. I had been thinking that the KettleWorx program was too difficult because the Kettlebell was too heavy so I wanted to get a lighter one. Although I did not find a smaller kettlebell I did find an amazing deal. As you know I love the products by The Firm. I have a step system I bought years ago and then about a year ago I bought their new Transformation program (which killed me when I saw it on clearance at Target for $20 when I had spent $120 on it.) Anyways they had a program that came out a while ago called The Wave. It always seemed interesting and I had liked the steps but I never bought it because of the price. Over the years I have looked for them numerous times on Craig's List but everyone is still selling them at $60+. I was at Sports Authority and I walked by a clearance rack and the Wave system was marked at $10! I couldn't believe it. This system that I have considered spending $100+ on many times is $10. I took it up to the register and it was actual a blue dot item which meant it was half off. I spent, with tax, $5.47. That was crazy. So again I have had this in my living room for nearly a month and haven't used it. It was time. It was pretty good. I was getting frustrated because the girl was going so fast but I remember with the other video's once you learn the routine it doesn't seem so fast. So I did 20 min core with a KettleWorx and then I did 30 min on The Wave. I am so proud of myself!

My day was not done. I went and took a shower, had a protein shake and then went off to work. We have this new security measure in place, I think I have mentioned it before. So I was planning on staying from 4-6. I was a little conflicted because there was this meeting at my church I wanted to attend at 6pm. I had been getting off at 5:45 before the break but with traffic I figured it would take a half hour to get to church. I left it in God's hands to figure out. I got off work at 5:15 and was 15 min early to the meeting.

Right now I am praying intently about going to Belize on a mission trip. I mentioned this before, well my church is going again. A couple in the church help start a church down in Belize and now they have their own Pastor from the town. So the church goes down to help in the town and do retreat's. One retreat for women and one retreat for the men. So April 27th through May 4th a group of women will be going down to Belize for another women's retreat, the men Sept I think. I really really feel led to go. I know that God, through the church, can take care of the financial part of it to help me with that. The concern is that my classes end on the 27th. My last classes for my AAS degree. So if there is any problems then I will be out of the country and won't be able to fix them. Now I have never had problems but it makes me nervous. I know that I can always work ahead and see if the teachers won't grade a little early for me. Most of all right now I am focused on seeking God's will in this. That has been my focus in life for the last year or so, God's will not mine. I know that if this is God's will, for me to go, then there will be rough patches but it will work out. But if I go because I have always wanted to go on a foreign mission trip and so I am going anyways then that is not God's will and who knows if everything will fall apart. I will continue to pray on this. I have to have an answer by the end of the month and I pray that I see God's will in one direction or the other.

After the meeting I stopped at Chipotle for dinner. I put my calories in my app before I stopped to make sure that I didn't go over. Mmmm...delicious tacos. Then off CR - Celebrate Recover, which was great. Now home to blog way too many words to you. The rest of my week goes pretty much like this and then my internship starts on Monday so I will be really busy. For now off to bed, need my sleep so I can wake up tomorrow.

Moving Forward

As a follow up I paid for my classes with my credit card. It took a couple of days and many hours aimlessly walking through stores to get my thought clear. Above all else I trust in God. The verse I continue to hold on to is Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper not to harm, plans for hope and a future." I also know that where God is doing an amazing work satan tries to stop it. So I push ahead following the plans I have seen the Lord lay out for me. Trusting that He will get me through each of these bumps along the road.

Classes start tomorrow and work starts on Tuesday. I had meant to get an early start but I have only done one of the assignment so far. I really want to get a head start on my work. On the fourteenth, in one week I will start my first of two internships. They are each 80 hours to be done over 4 weeks so they will take up a lot of time.

As before mentioned I have gained some weight, ok twenty pounds is a little more then some. My birthday is mid-March and I would like to get as much of the 20 lbs off as I can. I have no idea how I am going to fit it in with everything else I have going on but I will find a way. A little bit each day and being careful with calories and I will be able to do it.

Did I tell you I have a Fitbit? It is a very fancy pedometer. It tracks steps and flights of stairs and converts it to calories. It also tracks my sleep. It connects to my Lose It! app so I can compare calories eaten to calories burned all on the same program. I have been trying to eat better but my desires are crashing against each other. The want to eat the right thing against my habit of eating when I am tired or anxious or watching tv.

Too Much

The blows just keep coming one after another. I try to push through. I lean on God and have faith that this is just a blip on the radar just one day out of many and then...

What do you do when it is just to much. When you have been hit over and over again and pull yourself up over and over again just to be pushed back down again. The body can only handle so much. Today was too much. I am numb. I can not smile even when I try. It was, just too much.

The problems I run into with school are ridiculous. They are one after another and are totally weird and when I call the school for help no one has an answer for them. Just a couple weeks ago I was dealing with an issue where I needed special approval for some of my last semester classes. I sent the request mid- October and was told it was too early to send it end of Nov. So I send it Dec 3rd, they don't get to it till the 11th and I am told it is too late to request classes because they need 45 day. I explain and send a copy of the e-mail where I requested the classes 45 days in advance and they would not allow me to do so. They tell me that, that is correct that mid-october is too early to register for classes but we still need 45 days for your request to go through. This makes NO sense!!!!! I escalate the issue pushing how crazy this is and they approve the class and it is added. (I still wait on two other classes starting later in the semester to be approved through the standard 45 day process.)

Thanksgiving was ok, but ended in me crying. It usually does. I hate Black Friday as I am broke and can not buy things and hate listening to all of the other people going out and spending money. Christmas was horrid and lonely. I wouldn't wish that experience on my enemies. New Years was okay, I babysat and worked on homework. How sad is that?!

So as I am dealing with my lack of friends, my singleness, and the fact that I have gained 20 lbs in 2 months and yet can't get myself to stop eating junk food a new calamity occurs. Yesterday I received notice that I have exceeded my maximum number of credit hours to receive financial aid. Did you know that was possible? I didn't. I guess because I switched major's three times but had all of my credits transferred to Rio I am exceeding my limit. So I try not to freak out, only yelling a little bit, I fill out the form to explain my change in degree's and this, according to the form appears to be a valid reason to have extra credits. I figure out the scanner on my printer and I e-mail it over.

Then today my financial aid is removed. Now I had thought that is fine if my grant is removed while the process goes through because I am also taking out a student loan. But the loan is through FAFSA so it has also been revoked. So I have four days to come up with $1600 or get dropped from my classes! This is absurd!

I call, of course, and try to talk through the situation with one rep and then their supervisor. They didn't care in fact they didn't even listen. See I got special approval for the class, the approval that is supposed to take 45 day. If it takes 14 days for them to review my case and then re-apply my financial aid then all of my classes would have dropped, including this one. That would mean that I would have to wait, after financial aid is re-approved 45 days till I can take the class. That is not possible! I would have to push my classes back a semester to the Fall, I can't do that. I can't keep working part time like this. I try to explain how they have put in holds on my account in the past to keep my classes from being dropped due to my varied schedule. The manager won't even listen! Worse she thinks I am a lier. Apparently the system says they e-mailed me about this issue on the 30th, even though I got the e-mail on the 2nd. I offered to send her proof but she dismissed me. Then she called over to admissions and they say they don't have the form I sent in. She then starts talking to me as if I hadn't sent it in and was simply lying about it. I got a reply e-mail from the department, I know it went through!! AHHHH...

Halfway through talking with the supervisor I am so pissed and angry and just want to curse at this lady and so instead my entire body goes numb and I am overcome with tears. I feel like I have nothing good in my life right now and I just hold on to this school thing. I just need to graduate, I am so close. One semester away. I use this to push myself forward. All of my finances are tied into this. I work part time, I make maybe $400 a month. Without the financial aid I have to work full time. I did realize at one point that I have a credit card I can put the classes on. But what if my aid is still declined. I can't take 17 credit hours while I work full time. There is no way. In fact I am not even sure how I am going to get through the 17 credit hours working part time.

It is too much. But time just keeps moving. So I keep fighting my way through, hoping that the promise of a hope and a future that God made is out there somewhere.

Page 1

Happy New Year! Welcome to 2013!

I heard someone say today is the first blank page of a 365 page book. What an interesting thought. How will you write each day?

No resolutions for me just living my life. Over the next four months I will work my butt off to get my AAS degree in Early Education. It will mean some very long days and weeks but it will totally be worth it.

Last night I was seriously thinking about getting a Body Bugg. A devise that you keep on your arm and it tracks how many calories you burn throughout the day. It costs $150 and has a monthly fee of $7 a month. The other option is a FitBit it is like a fancy pedometer, tracking steps throughout the day and sleep patterns. It costs $100 and has no monthly fee. I ended up deciding on the FitBit. It connects to the LoseIt! app I use on my phone to track calories and the program the FitBit uses converts it into calories. Have I mentioned lately that I am up to 290 lbs. After maintaining 270 for a very long time I have gained and am now maintaing 20 additional pounds. Not ok.

Day One: Slept till noon. Caught up with my brother and sister-in-law back from their trip. I did a homework assignment.  I then went out and my brother very kindly bought me the FitBit I wanted as a Christmas gift/thank you for watching their cats we then went and watched The Hobbit (for a second time) in HFR 3D. I am not watching romantic movies while cleaning the living room and blogging. I would say a good day overall.