Contradiction

I don't how I can love my job one minute and hate it the next. Some weeks I feel down right bipolar. Last week I was sick and had to call out for work and I hated it. I worried about who was watching my kids and teaching my class. Then on the other side I don't want to go to work so much that I often stay up way too late and sleep through the million alarms I set for myself. Days I somehow get myself up on time I still somehow end up being late to work. It is a miracle that I have not been fired yet.

It is so confusing to me how I can be so connected to this group of kids and then feel so totally and utterly frustrated by them. Though now that I type this out I realize how normal this really is. Although I do not have children of my own I have plenty of friends that do and this is exactly how they describe being a parent. The complete and utter love you have for your child even though sometimes they drive you so batty that you would sell them to the traveling circus. That really sums up how I feel.

On Monday I had the odd experience of having a fellow teacher in my class criticizing what I do and how I treat my students. She was supposed to be observing and assisting me as needed in my class as she is new to the company. She was very critical of me and did not like it when I did not agree with her. Over the past couple days I have run her complaints through my head. Scenario's of what had happened and how I could have handled it differently. Every time I come back to the fact that I was doing my best with the students at the time. Was each interaction completely perfect? No, but it was far from abusive or detrimental to the children in any way.

So here I sit at 10:30 at night, avoiding my bed because I don't want to wake up for work tomorrow. When mentally I have been defending my teaching and my kids for two days. To love and hate my job at the same time. It is such a weird conundrum.