A New Year Awaits

I have started this blog many times both in my head and typing it out. I am trying to make my words sound pretty or poetic. That if I just say what I want to say in the right way people won't judge me. So here I am at 10:55 on New Years Eve finally making this post. What changed? Well, I am at home sick and nothing to watch on tv and so I picked a movie. I picked One Night With The King. If you haven't seen it, and your a girl, I totally recommend it. I love it. I have seen it like a million times. But I am a total romantic plus it's a story from the bible (with lots added in) so that makes it even better. I was watching Esther as she is plucked out of her home to go be a candidate to be the next Queen. She goes through scary moments and alone moments and yet she is so happy. Now yes, I know that is how the writers made her. But I can totally see that she would have been like that. We, as Christians, are to reflect God and with that the joy that comes from knowing him. So seeing Esther on the screen just so happy and being herself and just trusting God to get her through reminded me that I am to do the same. I am not here to please others. I am not here to do what other people are doing or what other people expect. Sometimes it is hard to remember that. It is so easy to just go along with everyone else just because go with the flow is easier then against the flow.

So all that to say. Below are three lists that I have come up with. I will explain as I go.

A. 2012 Resolutions
   1. Read 2 books a month - Classics
   2. Watch 2 classic movie a month
   3. Weigh 240 or below
   4. Vegan - Whole Foods Plant Based Diet
   5. Caffeine Free

For number one and two I will post tomorrow on my list that I plan to read and watch. I also realize that in November with NaNoWriMo I am really busy so I will list books for Nov. but try to complete them a little early. I think I mentioned before my goal used to be 250 but I have realized that I need to lower it. I need to get past my mental block of 250 so here is the challenge. I had been listing Vegan and Caffeine free together but really they are two different challenges and so they need to be listed that way.

B. 25 days of Fast, Pray, Worship with my church
   1. Fast from all movies and television for 25 days.
       (only exception is I promised my friend we would watch Breaking Dawn)
   2. One hour dedicated time of prayer and worship
       - This is not including any time normally spent at church, i.e. services

C. To start in January
   1. Experiencing God devotional
       - This is a six week devotional that requires 30 min a day five times a week
   2. Start and exercise plan
       - Squat, Crunch, Push up
   3. Change sleep schedule
       - Wake up 7am every day - Bed by 9pm every night
       - Only exception is babysitting but still wake up at 7am


I have had this devotional book forever but have not started it due to the amount of time and devotion it actually requires. I think that this time, these 25 days is a great time to start. But obviously it is longer than 25 days so I did not want to list it under B because I don't want to quit 4 weeks into it just because I can.

Teel and Mandy have been doing this plan for I think five weeks now. There is a site that started out getting you to do 100 push ups in six weeks. It has a whole plan and you work up to the 100. Since the site originally started they have also added other challenges; 200 sit-ups, 200 squats, or 150 dips. So three times a week Teel and Mandy ask me if I want to join them and like the wimp I am I say no. Well not anymore. I plan to start this challenge myself and see how far I can go. Oh and the site does have iphone apps but why pay for an app if I can just get the info free on my computer.

Last is my change in sleep schedule. I have never been a morning person but I have always wished I was. One of the problems is that I am always waking up at different times. During the week one time, Saturday's whenever, and then Sunday's early. I read an article that said that to help you get on a schedule is to be on  the same schedule every day no matter what your plans are for the day. (Duh, right) So my earliest morning is 7 am on Sunday's so I can get to church. So I am changing my schedule to match this. I figure as long as I am in bed by 9pm then I have plenty of sleep before my 7am alarm goes off. Plus I remember back in September when I had a clean diet I had energy during the day and slept better at night.

So there it is. Ambitious? Yes! Totally! But what is that silly saying reach for the moon and if you don't make it at least you will fall among the stars. Oh and I might as well mention. People keep telling me to go back to school. I had determined the only way was if I could take classes that were two months long instead of four. I looked it up and Rio Salado offers that option. I would need financial assistance so I applied for fafsa aid for the Spring 2012 semester and it looks like I have been approved for a pell grant. So I am going to see about taking just the English 102 that I need first and then go from there. So I might go back to school but I still have to talk to someone to register so we will see.

Well now it is 11:40. I think I will head out to the living room and watch a little of the Dick Clark New Year's Eve Special. To all you out there I hope you have a wonderful, safe, happy, and blessed new year!

My plan vs Gods plan for 2012

I was just reading a blog. It is a Christian blog that has at least twenty women all writing for it. Today the blog was about the new year and how so many plans that she and her husband had made had changed. Everything they had planned was loving and kind and good for their community and yet God had different plans for them. One of the last things she says is this, "and now this time, I'm trying not to have a plan. I only know that God is with us, and it's never what we think, and that things will fall apart, and that even then, especially then, it's ok." I read that and I was just, "Yes! That is exactly it."

I am making plans and challenging myself to do things this year to try to improve my health or my relationship with God. But this reminds me that I can do nothing with out God. For it is He who is my strength. The author also ended with the following verse. "Now to him who is able to do immeasurable more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to Him be the glory(...)" Ephesians 3:21

So earlier as I worked out details of my new year plans I had stopped and turned the page in my notebook. I wrote out what I wanted to accomplish by the end of 2012. As I went down the list they were (mostly at least) general.

1. Vegan - whole foods plant based diet
2. Caffeine free
3. Daily devotion with God
4. Exercise 3x a week
5. Be in a more financially stable position

There is no marriage, school, moving, job changes, etc listed on here. The big things that I do not control. The big things that I leave in God's hands. Just small things like how I treat this body God gave me, the time God gave me, or the money God gives me.

Excused Absence

Hello out there to all of my readers. I have not forgotten about rather I have been sick. So by the time I am ready for bed I crash and then sleep for like a million hours. I have been doing some babysitting as well, which is awesome for the bank account and gets me out of the house.

I do want to apologize about my last post. I know that it was very dreary. I am currently blaming the Hunger Games series that I was reading. On Monday I read the entire third book which has a very frustrating and disappointing ending. But then it was also a sad ending so I think the emotions from the book spread into my post. Whoops! Honestly I was feeling a little numb those days, I do honestly shut down emotions but I am doing good now. Besides being sick that is. Hopefully I will feel better very soon and feel up to a longer post letting you know what I have planned for the new year. Till then TTFN!

A Numb Christmas

With a new year approaching and my 30th birthday just a few months away I am becoming very reflective on my life. On Christmas eve I spend the day with my father and his extended family down in Tucson. Some was good, some was boring, some was frustrating. Christmas day felt weird this year with the absence of my sister, brother-in-law and the kids. I skipped church and instead stayed home to make buccala. It is a salted cod fish (called buccala) wrapped in a sticky dough and deep fried. My mother's parents did it every Christmas and then so did my mother every year. It is an italian tradition. Last year my older brother showed me how and this year I did it with a little help of my younger brother. It went great and I have had lots and lots of buccala to eat this year. I did an entire pound of fish in one day, which most people don't do because it is so time consuming. So I am pretty proud. My older brother made lasagna and his wife the bread rolls. Heath and his fiance also joined us and the six of us had a lovely time eating and then opening gifts.

I have been trying to figure it out but I feel so distant on holidays. This year I isolated myself from others and in past years I have done the same. The logical answer is memories of my mother and her missing from the picture is too painful. Sometimes it is because sitting in a room with my dad and brothers often the girls just sit around not talking and listening to whatever odd thing they are talking about. The other girls seem completely ok with this but I don't understand. I would prefer to just do my own thing. This year I feel even more numb as now I don't just miss my mom but also my sister and my nephews. And then I think about how next year, God willing, my older brother and sister-in-law will be able to travel to Japan. Which means next year I really will feel alone. I know people do this all the time, move forward and celebrate without their family. I try to picture what next year will look like but I don't even know.

I want to run away from this life. Painful and heart breaking. Full of suffering, frustrations, and a lack of understanding. But there is no where to escape to.

I think about the future. What will I do this year? In a year will I be in a better place physically, financially, emotionally? Or in a year will I still be numb from shutting down my emotions to try to not feel the pain.

I try to figure out a way to better myself. How will I get ahead this year? What can I do to improve my situation? But I see no certain path in front of me. I hate feeling so helpless and lost.

As I sit here stairing at the screen lost in an absence of thought I remember that I do not always feel this way. I remember that this mearly a low of emotions and that I will get through this to happy thoughts and happy moments. And I close my eyes hoping that this moment will pass quickly before it pulls me deeper down.

Tradition Kept

I do not have many memories as a child but one has always stuck out and that was the night of Christmas Eve. Yes, we got to open one gift which was a new set of pj's but there was something more important. Growing up my parents had this amazing nativity set, it is just beautiful. It is also so old that I don't know if another still exists like it. On Christmas eve all of us kids, there were four of us. Would go sit down next to dad on the couch. One of us would get to hold the baby Jesus from the nativity while my dad read the story of Jesus's birth from the bible. I remember that as kids we would get bored and not want to sit still while dad read the story again. A story which we had probably just heard at a Christmas eve service. But the memory stuck with me. I do not know when I started it exactly but as an adult I now make sure that before I go to sleep on Christmas even that I stop and read the story of Jesus. I know that when I do get married it will be something I do with my husband and when I have kids it will something I will do with them. Because among all the hustle and bustle and presents and excitement those five or ten minutes sitting still on the couch, no matter what your age, really impressed, at least on me, the true meaning why we celebrate Christmas. Even if I didn't get it when I was a kid.

Thinking through things

If you have been reading my blog for long you know that sometimes things flash into my head and out again. I think that it is a great idea but then it never goes anywhere. Today is one of those days. I continue to think about and pray about the trip to Belize, I would still love to go. I have also been thinking about this summer doing something different. I actually looked up working at a Christian summer camp. It would not pay much and it would be hard work but I think it would be an interesting experience. I don't know though since usually they hire kids fresh out of high school or in college to work for them. So just an idea right now. I love my job but I know I can not do this forever and so I have started thinking outside the box. Trying to come up with an idea about how to change things up for me. I haven't really thought of anything yet. But I continue to pray about it so I hope that God will let me know the next step when I need to know it.

I am also trying to figure out what I am going to do next month. My church is doing a time called fast, pray, worship. Yes, we just did something like this in September. But for the new year we are doing another time of fasting. It is to be 25 days. I am trying to figure out what I should do during this time. I have an idea but it would be a big commitment and a real challenge to myself. I am continuing to pray about it and hope to hear confirmation from God about this time and what He desires for me during this time.

Tomorrow I head down to Tucson to visit with extended family. It will be just me and my dad like it was last year. It was pretty fun. I do kind of miss not getting to go to a candle light service on Christmas Eve. Especially because I have not attended one at Living Streams yet. Last year I had kind of felt like, well really they are all the same anyways, right? But this year it is different I feel like I am really going to miss out. But life is about choices and this year I chose Tucson maybe next year I will pick the Christmas Eve Service.

Lazy day

Today I didn't do much. I woke up early, around 8am and put some stuff I have been needing to sell out. The fridge, old tv and tv stand. I also put them on Craigs list. None has sold yet but maybe the craigs list ad will bring about a call. Other then that I read a little, book two of the hunger game series. Then watched some tv, took a nap and then read a little more. I did go out this evening. My church, Living Streams, has a house on their lot and they decorated it and put the lights to music. Plus they did this walk through about the birth of Jesus. So I headed down and took a look. I am not really wowed by lights but I did think for christmas lights these were really good. I stood around for awhile just watching the lights flash on and off to the music. So if you are near Central and Glendale in Phoenix it may be an option.

For the last couple days I have had headaches. I am deriding off from caffeine but this headache felt different from what I know a caffeine headache feels like. I also try not to take pills if I don't need to, instead I try to figure out why my body is upset. All day I was thinking about it. Analyzing how much caffeine I have had the last few few days. Trying to figure out what caused it. Then it dawned on me. I am dehydrated. I had been drinking nearly three liters of soda and am down to two cans now. Sometimes I have some non-caffienated soda but I have not been drinking water. I am not getting enough liquid. So I started drinking lots and lots of water and my headache went away. It was so stupid. I still have to drink things even if it is not soda. In fact that is what is better for me. As a result I only had one can of soda today which means I am down to a can a day. Which is great!

Tomorrow I want need to go get my oil changed and then besides that I am free until 4:30 when I go babysit. Whoops I was supposed to go to the library today. Now it won't be open till Monday. I had some items to return and book three of the hunger games on hold. Such is life.

Half asleep post

Not much happened today and I wasn't sure if I should blog at all. But I hate to break my new habit of blogging daily so here we are.

Despite going to bed very very late last night I woke up at a reasonable hour. First thing head down to the post office. Now I feel like anyone going to the post office in December, especially the week of christmas should expect long lines. I sure did. So when I say the long line I just got in it and waited my turn. Behind was an older woman and she did not come with the same attitude as me. At first I placated her comments mostly ignoring them. Then I decided hey why not just say what I really want to. So every time she would make a rude, negative comment I would counter it with a positive one. "There goes another one on a coffee break." (she said this anytime someone walked away from their counter so I would reply with what they were really doing. "He just went to go put down a box in the rit cart in the back." "See he came back, he just needed new new reciept paper." it was kind of fun. By the end she actually made a positive comment herself saying how fast the line was. She didn't seem annoyed by my comments as she continued to say them so may she just needed a little positive in her day.

After that I came home to finish my volunteer project. If you remember I was putting stickers on things for bone marrow donation. I have fifty more to do and so I finished them up while watching the new series Once Upon a Time. That way I could get them out of my house before Christmas. I headed out again to drop the box off at a fed ex location, picked up my dad's gift and got some grocery shopping done.

When I got home there really was not anything I wanted to watch on hulu or tv so I picked up a book to read. I can't remember if I mentioned but I am reading the Hunger Games series. Everyone keeps recommending it. I read about half the book last Friday when I babysat and this evening I finished the other half. It was interesting. I went into it not knowing anything about it and it was not what I was expecting. But it was good and I am glad I have the second book to read right away. I also went and looked at the preview for the Hunger Games movie. It looks really good but only two actors that I recognize so I wonder how big the budget was. I wonder if it will be a other Twilight where the sequels get better because they have more money to work with. But of course then they have to keep the same actors who still can't act. I guess we will find out.

Tomorrow I babysit all day. Should be exhausting. I don't even know when i will be done. Though I figure it will be pretty early. I find the mom's like to have me gone before the husband gets home because then it is time for dinner and family time. Whatever I like the kids and that is what matters.

Wrapped

This year, after I found out I would have some money but would not be able to fly to see my sister I realized I could get some gifts. My main concern for purchasing gifts was my niece and nephews. I had tried Friday night to shop for them with no luck. Today I went out and finished my shopping. I came home wrapped my gifts and now have them in a large box ready to go to the post office tomorrow. I even managed to finish my special project for my sister's birthday, which is December 26th. It won't get to her till a couple days later but I think it is cool enough the delay won't matter.

I bought my older brother silicon pan liners. I gave them to him today as he will start baking cookies in the next couple days and is out of parchment paper. They are a little too big so he has to figure out if they will work or if we should return them. He will probably end up buying new larger cookie sheets to solve the problem. My younger brother got me something but I have not figured out a gift for him yet. I also need to go buy my dad's gift. I know what it is but I have a coupon for the store it is at and keep forgetting to put it in my purse.

There are other people that I want to get gifts for, like my sister-in-laws and a close friend but really need to keep my spend my money carefully.

Today I went and babysat. She had originally said 9-3 mon, tue, wed. When I arrived she changed it to 9-2 instead. Ok, no big deal. Later as she was writing my a check she tells me she actually is not going to need me tomorrow anymore. She still wants me wednesday but Tuesday she wants to stay home with her daughter. I didn't know what to say. She says it so nice and how she just wants to spend time with her kid. I want to be upset. She doesn't offer to compensate me for the promised time. She just apologizes and sends me on my way. That frustrates me. I understand if you or your kid is sick so that could be a reason to cancel but just because. It is like having me on call for you and then me not getting paid for it. Bleh. This is her second offense. The first one was when I sent a text just to confirm a babysitting job, I do that if it was planned with me more than a week in advance. Well she texts back saying she totally forgot and does not need me anymore. If I had not checked then I would have gone all the way down there. Though of course that is why I check. So I will see how the rest of this week goes and next week she says she might need me but is not sure. Again it is that on call feeling which is hard especially if someone else contacts me to see if I am free. I can tell you one thing I am glad that I did not buy plane tickets based on the fact that I was getting payed for these three days. It is just God showing me again why I should trust Him.

So tomorrow I have off. Which is good because I can take my box down to the post office in the morning. According to USPS it should arrive on the 23rd if I mail it tomorrow. So yea, in time for Christmas. Not that I am looking forward to the time spent in line at the post office. I wonder if the box is too big for the self service machine. I will have to measure it before I leave to figure it out. That could save me some time. Other than that 'y Tuesday is free which is nice. Actually relaxing over my winter vacation, what a concept. :)

200th Post

It does not actually feel like that many. I know many others who are in the thousands of posts. But since blogger counts them I thought I would let you know. I took a look back and it looks like I started this blog back in January of 2009. I started it because at the time I had been posting blogs on myspace but it was being used less and less due to the new site called Facebook. Then myspace changed how the post showed, not allowing paragraph breaks. So I knew I needed a change and found myself here on blogger. I can say that I am glad I have this outlet to post about me. The number of readers has varied for two to twenty depending on the topic. Right now I have a concistant six people who read my blog daily and three to six more who catch up later in the week. I love this since I can not actually name those six people that would be reading this daily. So thank you taking your time to read my crazy ramblings. Now on to today's post.

Today I have been very reflective. At church I thought about how a couple of big things; money and going to see my sister came up. Both times I did not trust that God had me in his hands the whole time. I look at the circumstances and although I leaned mostly on Him I did not lean completely. He did not have my full trust. I wonder why it is so hard to trust someone that has never failed me?

With the end of the year approaching and with that soon my thirtieth birthday I have been reflecting on my life. Where I am at and where I want to go. I have no answers. In fact I have a lack of answers as God has not provided them yet. This is a hard place to be in. Just trusting. Just hoping that He has me in His hand and will guide my next steps. That He will be my lamp and the light for my feet. It is a hard thing to do. ...but I am going to continue to try. I am going to continue to trust He who has not let me down. For only God really knows where I am headed and it doesn't matter how many plans I make it is always His will that I actually want to trust.

This week I have some babysitting which is awesome. I am feeling a little nervous about whatching this one girl for so long. But I have plenty of experience and know that I will make it through. So till next time.

Confession

I have a confession to make, i did not go volunteer this morning. My alarms went off and I thought about it but I went back to sleep. I know I totally suck. I ended up sleeping till 2:30. That means I slept nearly thirteen hours. My body must have needed it. I only woke up then because I had several people call and text me which woke me up.

I made pancakes for breakfast and then watched "The Help." it was just what I expected. Racism was horrific back then and I try not to forget that. It is really a part of our history that should not be forgotten so that it is never repeated. Then I rushed off to a babysitting job. That was good as it always is when I watch well behaved kids. I also set up another babysitting job for Wednesday so I will go from one job to another that day. Lots of babysitting but it just means lots of money. I need to remember to put a portion in savings because most months I do not get this many babysitting jobs. I am also keeping track so that I can properly tithe off of what I am earning. I am not always good about that but I want to be better.

On the way home I was hungry so I stopped at my local Denny's. My future sister in law, racheal works there and she happened to be on as well as my brothers friend Sean who works their as well. Then racheal was getting off so my brother Heath came in to get her. We ended up just sitting around chatting for nearly two hours. It was nice hanging out with my younger brother. I don't get to do that very often anymore. So it was totally worth staying up late for. Plus now my belly is full of delicious food which a total bonus as well. Though I did have geo glasses of soda which I should not have done. I was down to only three cans of soda and I am sure that having the extra soda today will set me back a little. It is just so automatic to order a diet when the waitress or waiter asks. I should have just had water instead. Oops. :(

Well it is now 4:20 in the morning and I have to get up at seven to go to church. If I do not show up then people will not have their coffee and that does not make for very happy people. So I set at least five alarms, I normally use three, and hopefully I will get up in less then three hours. Tomorrow I also need to go to book mans, stop by target, do my laundry, and finish my volunteer project so I can mail it out. Oh yeah I also have a gift I need to finish up. I have to finish it tomorrow so it will be ready in time for Christmas. Sorry no further details on that one as I am not sure who all reads this blog.

Change of plans

Today did not go exactly as I had planned. Work was great. It was pretty easy and I revealed we did the reveal of the secret Santa. She said she loved the stuff. My final gifts were a little weird but it was still nice to get something. It is always a little hard leaving before the break because it is weird that I won't see everyone for two weeks. One interesting thing is that I was able to borrow an iPad from work. Each of our preschool classes have three iPads. I made a joke yesterday that I wanted to take one home to borrow for the two weeks and they said no problem. I can't put any new apps on it but I have the Internet and I am exploring the preschool apps that are already on it. In fact right now I am typing on it. It is a little weird but not too hard. So if a few things are misspelled that is why.

After work I felt a little at a loss as to what to do. I went home and had some lunch. Then I went out. I stopped. Y Target and left buying nothing and then went to a store to buy some Bucuala for a traditional Italian holiday dish my family makes. After arriving at home I should have just hung out until it was time to go to a church function. However that is not what I did. I started getting nervous about going to the family movie night, I still feel like I don't have many friends there. I knew it would be a bit awkward. So instead I went shopping.

I thought I knew what I was getting for people. I figured it would be pretty easy so out I went. It did not turn out very well. After four hours of shopping and driving all over I came home with only one gift and even that I am a little unsure of. It would have been easier if I wasn't feeling so worried about money. I kept going back and forth about what I should do and how much I should spend. I left empty handed because I stuck to my guns about not spending over a certain amount. The problem is the amount of stress this all causes. See I could go out tomorrow back to many of the same stories and buy perfect gifts for people but they would all be more then I was hoping to spend. So then the question is? I the stress of finding cheaper gifts really worth the saving the extra money? But of course it is. So I will continue to think up idea's.

Tomorrow I am supposed to volunteer for Be The Match, for bone marrow donation. They are collecting at metro center mall. But they never told me where in the mall that they are doing it. I kind of want to use this as an excuse not to go but realize that is not actually a good reason. So I will go a little early and walk around the mall to find them. I just hope they are in the mall somewhere because if they are outside the mall I will never find them. After that I will babysit in the evening. So I have a pretty full day tomorrow.


I do want to mention real quick that this evening I watched a really good movie I recommend. It is called, "Christmas with a capital C." it is a Christian film about how Christmas is not about the traditions we keep but about Christ himself. That was capitalize Christmas because we are talking about Christ. It also talks about the controversial topic of saying Merry Christmas vs. Happy holiday's. I really recommend it, it was really good.

Well it is nearly 1am now so I must get some sleep before my long day tomorrow.

So close

My winter break is almost here. Today was my last full day at work and then tomorrow I do lunch duty for an hour and a half and then I am done for two weeks. Actually two weeks and one day. We always have the monday after winter break off so we will return to school on the third of January.

My two weeks won't be work free of course. Being hourly I have to keep myself busy so I can keep my bills paid. But it will be different babysitting instead of going to school. The worst part of course is that I have to be across town at 9am next week and seeing that I usually don't have to be to work till 11:30, that is very early. But I can do it. I do know that that much time with one kid will remind me why I am not a nanny. Entertaining one kid all day is kind of challenging. But that is why I get paid well to do it.

With the official termination of my previous co-working finalized on Wednesday we immediately had a new job posting put on Craig's List. There were several immediate e-mails and my boss narrowed in on one immediately. She came and interviewed today and hopefully she will start when we get back from the break. She seems much more mature then our last employee so hopefully all works out well. I am ready to have someone reliable around to help me.

***

During Nano everyone kept telling me how I had to read The Hunger Games. So I requested the three books from the library and the first two have arrived. I went and picked them up and will read them over the next week. I will let you know how I like them later. Everyone is so excited about the new movie coming out so now I finally will see what all the excitement is about.

Hard Decisions

For the last 24 hours I have been struggling with one of those hard decision. One where either answer is ok but will lead you down two different roads. To some it is not that big but others understand. I am hoping my sister will be one who understands.


Last night after I got home from my friends house I got an e-mail. It was from a woman I babysit for, she needs me three days next week. I will make close to $300 over those three days. This is the money I asked God for. This would cover my flight to see my sister. I went and looked up flights and the cost of the flight had gone down a little so it was about $240, great. But it didn't feel that great.

Just a couple days before I questioned whether I could afford a $40 coat. And yet I am going to spend $250 on flight? But I asked for it and God provided it. The money is enough for my flight. I can do it! I can go! I deserve it!...and then I remember that it is God's money. It isn't my money. I pray, over and over again for God to tell me what to do and the answer is getting jumbled with my emotions and desires and thoughts. I ask others for advise because it consumes my mind. All day long I go back and forth, back and forth.

This evening I checked the flights. I can fly out on Christmas Day, leave 2:30 my time and get there 6:30 their time. I would leave on New Years Eve, leaving their time at 7:30 and getting to Phoenix at 9:40  my time. The price has dropped since I looked at it at two early this afternoon. Now I can take that flight, with taxes, for only $180. I know it has to do with the awful timing of the flights but $200, I can do $200. And so I struggle again. Going through my head all of the options.


I have come to realize that, Yes I can go to see my sister. God has provided that opportunity for me. But No I should not go see my sister. Spending that money would leave me in the same tough spot I was in for the last three months. But if I don't spend the money then I can give myself some wiggle room. I would be able to breath again instead of worrying about every little purchase. Not only would I be saving the money from the flight but I contacted the woman I am working for next week and she was hoping I could babysit between Christmas and New Year as well. So I will have even more opportunity to earn and save money.

Let me tell you that as I type this tears are streaming down my face. It breaks my heart that I won't see my nephews, and niece, and sister, and even my brother in law for Christmas. But I just keep thinking about the parable of the talents spoken by Jesus. He who has been faithful with few things will be trusted with much but he who was not faithful with few could not be trusted at all.

I have also always struggled with the do you live for this moment because life is short or do you live in the long term planning for the future. For so long I have lived the first way. That is how I am in debt and have a house foreclosure. It is why I am poor when in the past I have made so much. I try so hard now to change my ways. To remember that God has more planned for me then this moment here and I need to plan for that as well. So I can spend the money on the flight and my bills may be paid this month but what about next month? What happens in January and February when I may not get the extra babysitting jobs like I am this month. Because honestly I am tired of eating granola bars, cereal. peanut butter and Jelly, ramen noodles, and hot dogs because they are cheap foods. I want some variety. And honestly I really want my netflix account back. Oh how I miss watching all of the new movies.

So God answered my prayer. He answered my begging and my boldness.  Then He let me know why He hadn't offered it in the first place and gave me the choice. My choice hurts but it somehow feels right too.


***Update***
  Oddly enough after I posted this I went and checked facebook. Looks like my two eldest nephews will be going to their dad's the week I could go visit. So really it isn't a good week to visit anyways. I mean I could still see my sister but I would hate to miss out on time with those boys.

Long day

Well it has been a long day. Got up at 6:30 to get ready for work. Subbed in a preschool class from 8-3:15. Then I did my normal after school car from 3:15 - 6pm. I had forgotten that I told a friend I would go hang out with her. So I went to her house right after work till about 10:30. Now it is midnight and I am exhausted. The day was good though. It rained all day here in Phoenix so we were cooped up inside all day with the kids. There was a short break from the rain so we did get to go play for about 30 min after lunch until it started to rain again, sending us inside. For extended day we watched Charlie Brown Christmas since we couldn't go outside. That worked pretty well, keeping the room quiet for a whole half hour. Then craziness ensued as it does when you don't let kids get their energy out by keeping them insid for two days in a row. I think about the people on the east coast. How do they handle it with the snow? Though I suppose their schools are set up different. Our kids eat lunch outside and we don't have a gym so they have to use the library for indoor PE. Which is difficult since it is right off from five class rooms still trying to do work. We are supposed to have tomorrow without rain, last I checked that is. And then it will continue to rain the rest of the week and all weekend. That is really going to put a damper on a lot of holiday plans for people.

Hanging out with my friend Kandie was awesome. I hadn't seen her in more than a month because Nano took over my life. She is my closest friend and if we both hadn't of gotten up so early we probably could have talked for hours longer. I can't wait to hang out with her again soon.

Well if I don't save this now I risk falling asleep on my keyboard. So till tomorrow. Ta Ta

Monday Monday

I will try to be quick tonight. It is already ten and I have to get up in the morning. One of the early childhood teachers is going to be out and they asked me to sub. So I have to be to school at eight. Plus I really need a shower tomorrow morning because I didn't tonight so I want to get to sleep soon. I only stayed up so late because I love the show Hawaii Five-O and it was on from 9 - 10. I missed several episodes due to Nano last month and so I am happy to get to watch it again.

So my co-worker didn't show up today. We assume that she couldn't actually get a Dr. note for the time she missed so she just didn't show up. So now she is officially terminated. This week I will be working on my own again. I mean, my boss is there to help some to but she has other stuff she has to do so she is always in and out which is why sometimes I feel like I am working alone. Hopefully we can find someone soon to replace my co-worker. We do have two weeks off now so I am not sure how this is going to go. But I will just go with it, it's not like I can really change it anyways.

This morning the fridges were switched and now I have a new fridge. It is kind of weird because the door handles are on the opposite sides so I keep trying to open it on the old side instead of the new side. Once it stops raining I will try to sell the fridge I am not using anymore, it sits in front of my house now.

I was at Target today and looked at their coats. They have one that is nice on sale for only $40. I wanted to get it that moment but it felt like I was maybe making an impulse purchase so I decided to not get it. Then when I got to work I was offered the sub day tomorrow which is a nice bonus on my check. I still need to do the math but I may be able to buy the coat now. I am still not sure though. I kind of want to go to a different Target to see if they have any different kind of selection. The coat was in grey but I really want a black coat. The gray looked nice but I have always leaned more toward black.

I looked up flights again. I just can't help myself. Now if I fly out on Christmas day and then return on new years eve (which I know would be totally inconvenient for everyone) it would only be $237. But the flight back only has like 4 seats booked so maybe it will go down again. My thinking, very faulty I know, is that if I don't buy the coat then I would have more money incase the cost of the flight does go down more. But the faulty thinking of course would be that if I was going to go out there I would need a coat even more then being out here. Their daily temperature is at least thirty degree's below ours. A friend asked if I could check in on her dog new years eve night and the next morning so she could drive up to Vegas. I wanted to say yes, and I kind of did. But in my head all I was thinking was how much I still was wishing for a miracle to go out there again. Though of course my desire to go out there is so strong I keep trying to figure out how I could move. But of course if I can't afford to fly there I definitely can't afford to move there.

I know I am crazy. I hate feeling so conflicted. Is this normal? People move across the country all the time do they feel like this too? Somebody asked me what I was doing for Christmas and I being honest I said, "I don't know. My sister and her kids are across the country and my younger brother will be working and my house has no room for any Christmas decorations. It is on a Sunday so I guess I will go to church." The older I get the more I realize how much traditions always change.

A bit random today

So my dad came to town, he is feeling better. Tomorrow morning he and my brother will move around the refrigerators for me. So that is good. This evening while I was watching tv and doing some of my volunteer project things started coming to mind about my 2012 to do list (resolution list.) I added some movies that need to watch; Sound of Music, Gone with the Wind, Grease, and Casablanca. I know I watched Sound of Music and Grease in junior high but I don't really remember then. And don't think I have seen the other two at all. I am considering adding a few more like The Godfather, all three parts of course, and The Shawshank Redemption. But I don't know yet. I am keeping the read classic books on my list as well. I am also going to add a new weight loss goal to get to 240. I have always said, "Below 250." So I want to change it up a little. I am also planning on going vegan and caffeine free for an entire year so I am adding those to the list as well. I know that one month was good for my body so I figure lets try the whole year. But we will see how that goes. That is it for now but I will continue to think of things. On New Years I will post my new official list.


***

Tonight I had run out of things to watch so I pulled a movie from my dvd shelf. Last year I had bought a movie called "The Christmas Cottage." It was an impulse buy so I didn't really read very closely so not till I watched it the first time last year did I realize it was about Thomas Kinkade. I again not reading, just remembering it was a good movie put it in to watch. About halfway through they mention their last name and I finally remember. This time after watching the movie I pulled up the internet to see information about Thomas Kinkade as well as the painter in the movie that inspired him. I of course went to the Wikipedia page and to my amazement found out that Mr. Kinkade is not a very nice guy. His art had never really appealed to me, it wasn't my thing. But I know several people that like his art and had heard he was a Christian. In fact in the movie it has a slight undertone of him being Christian. However this is apparently not the case. He is instead greedy and can't hold his liquor very well, in other words he gets rude, rowdy, and harasses women. Keep in mind of course he is married and has four kids. This is very sad to hear. I know it is wikipedia so maybe it is not all true but because it is wikipedia if it was wrong he himself could change the information. So because it is still on the site it lets me know that it is probably all true. Then I get to the very bottom of the page and the last piece of information is that he paid to have The Christmas Cottage made. So of course it paints him in a good light, he used it as a marketing tool to make more money. The movie was good and gets me emotional but knowing the truth about this man makes me want to throw it away. Though I guess just like in my books for Nano where I bend the truth to make my life how I want it he has done the same.

***

I did want to update you that my neighbor has not played any more loud Christmas music since the first night. I never made it over but I assume some of my other neighbors must have to ask him not to do that again. So that is very nice.

This weekend was very relaxing, I really enjoyed just taking things easy and not trying to rush around. I am excited about having only one more week of work and then two weeks off. I am hoping that I will get some more calls for work for those weeks off. Hopefully parents get tired of being home with the kids and call me up. I also need to get back on the SitterCity website to see if anyone is looking on there. I haven't looked in a little while because I have been so busy but I am sure someone will need help over the winter break. If not then I will just take it easy at home. No big deal. Oh, and I didn't forget that my co-worker is coming back tomorrow. I am not worried about it. I am just going to do my job and let my boss worry about her doing hers.

Sunday Sermon

Today's sermon was on Luke 11. Last week we covered verses one through four, one version of the Lord's prayer.

Once Jesus was in a certain play praying. As he finished, one of his disciples came to him and said, "Lord, teach us to pray, just as John taught his disciples."
 Jesus said, "This is how you should pray;
    "Our Father who art in Heaven, hallowed be Thy name.
       Thy Kingdom come. Thy will be done, as in Heaven, so on earth.
     Give us our daily bread.
     And forgive us our sins, for we also forgive everyone who sins against us.
     And lead us not into temptation.

Then this week we continued with five through twelve.

   Then Jesus said to them, "Suppose you have a friend, and you go to him at midnight and say, "Friend, lend me three loaves of bread; a friend of mine on a journey has come to me and I have no food to offer him."
    And suppose the one inside answers, "Don't bother me. The door is already locked and my children and I are in bed. I can't get up and give you anything." 
    I tell you, even though he will not get up and give you the bread because of friendship, yet because of your boldness he will surely get up and give you as much as you need.
    "So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.
    "Which of your fathers, if your son asks for a fish, will give him a snake instead? Or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion? 

The pastor always has us stand and reads the verses and then we sit down and go through the verses. As we were standing and he was reading, and I following along. The verses hit me. Just last night I was saying that if God wanted to He could pay for my flight. I said a few weeks ago that I have a desire to go to Belize with my church but again I was asking God for that. And I have asked but I have never asked boldly.

When I ask for things I ask humbly. I ask in reverence knowing that His plan is better than my plan. But I also fear of asking for too much. I know that God has already provided so much for me that when I ask for more it feels like too much. God has provided for all of my needs and even some of my wants. But this verse, spoken from Jesus, encourages me to ask boldly.

So this week as I ask boldly for things that I desire, I encourage you to do the same. We are God's children and he wants good in our lives. He will not give us everything we want but do not be afraid to ask boldly for things that you desire.

Another step forward

Here I sit at the end of my day, it is 2:30am. I feel like it was just one more day in a long line of days. I accomplished things but nothing extraordinary. Though life is really like that. We live day to day. I think during Nano meeting daily accomplishments and celebrating with others as they accomplished goals, the days seemed extraordinary.

....

I cleaned the spare fridge this morning. Which I realized I never fully explained why I have whined so much about it. I don't really know how exactly it happened but it was like half gallon of ice cream exploded in the freezer leaving a huge mess all over it. Then, because it had been there so long, I had to actually get a scraping tool from the toolbox to get all the ice cream off the the freezer bottom. Bleh... I did clean it twice and even plugged it in to make sure it works. Dad is feeling congested so he may or may not come down tomorrow to help move it to the kitchen. I won't know till tomorrow evening. Either way it is ready to be moved.

I did some of my volunteer project while catching up on some tv from Hulu. The short version of what my volunteer project is, is that I stick stickers on papers for bone marrow donation. It is a dumb mundane job but somebody has to do it. So I figured why not do something while I sit around watching hours of tv every night.

Then shopping with my brother and sil. We went to JCPenny's and I managed to not spend $60 earmarked for food on a coat that looked totally cute but itched the back of my neck like crazy. So total success seeing that I am craving a jacket right now. I have decided that I am tired of getting by with my two thin sweaters since only have big bulky men's hoody sweatshirts that would be warmer. I really need a nice jacket but they are expensive of course. I will keep looking at deals and saving my penny's.

Tonight I babysat which was good. I love the kids I watched tonight, though one was trying my patients by the end of the night. Then I sat around reading for four hours after they went to bed. I love getting paid to read. It is pretty cool. Though two personal issues came up while babysitting. They are the same things you have heard about a million times so I will try to be brief.

1. I so want a boyfriend/husband. This guy came over to go out with them for dinner. I was totally checking out the guy and speculating about him. I was like school girl thinking about how when he came back, since they car pooled, that he would totally ask me out. It was dumb. I hate it when I start thinking like a teenager again. "OMG. I wonder if he has a girlfriend?" Because really it doesn't help. I get all nervous and instead of being myself I get all quiet and shy. Annoying.

2. The father was making small chat with me while his wife got ready and they waited for their friend to show up. He asked the common question, "Are you going anywhere for the holiday's?" To which I reply, "No I am staying here." He then asks, "Didn't your sister just move to a different state?" And I want to reply with a "Yes but I can't afford the $300 to fly out." But I don't because he is my employer and I don't think it is actually appropriate. So i mutter something about. "Yes she did but I can't go this time." He replies with a, "Oh, are you working at the school?" Again it is my desire to just be honest, I can't afford it but I still don't feel it is what I should say. So I answer about school and make a joke about how I am working for him watching kids at the holiday party they have on the 23rd, so I can't leave. And the conversation changes.

Then all night long I keep wishing they would just offer to pay for the trip for me. I know they work hard for their money but I also know I have seen them drop more $300 on the silliest things. Later this evening, after I got home. I thought how cool if they did offer. And then I thought I should go try a lottery ticket, people win a few hundred dollars from those all the time. But of course from there my head went right where it should have gone in the first place. If God wanted me to have the money to go then I would have it. I have seen money flow in and out of my life enough to know that with a snap of his fingers God could provide me the money. And because He hasn't I accept it. It is nice to dream but at the end of the day I choose God's path for my life. At the end of the day, even if the guy asked me out I would have to ask if he believed in God or not. Because as much as i want a date it is only the man God chooses for me that I want to date.

Another one of those lessons that have to be learned over and over again because it is so quickly forgotten.

Caterer?

Sometimes I find myself doing the most interesting things. This evening I was a caterer. After work I went to my church. There was a staff party and they had hired a caterer and she needed volunteers to help and so I went down to help. I helped make eggplant parmesan, and make bread look pretty, I even put brown sugar on creme brulle and then used a torch to burn it. Though of course highlights. I also made coffee, bussed tables, did dishes, dried dishes, cleaned up after everyone left. She needed the help, no question. But it is a little weird to go and do that. I don't really cook and hate to clean and yet here I am volunteering to do these things.

One my favorite parts is how I can't touch anything hot. I don't really understand how people hold things that are burning hot. I can't do it. So I would be doing something the hard way, as not to get burned, and then someone would come up and help do it the easy way and tell me "its not that hot." That is fine. I don't mind that I have feeling in fingers.

The evening went well. I did my best not to come home with leftovers, because as you know I hate leftovers. So all I came home with was half a bag of marshmallows and a large container of hot chocolate.  The fun part is I am only 95% sure it was made with water and not milk. So I should be able to drink it but the milk in the chocolate my give me trouble. (Being lactose intolerant is totally fun.)

Ok right now i am so frustrated. There is a house, not right across the street but next to the house across the street. Anyways they have loud Christmas music playing. It is so loud I can hear it in my house. Now let me clarify. I don't think there is anyone home, there car is not in the drive. Also it is 11:45 at night. I kind of want to go bang on their door and ask them to turn it off or just go try to turn it off myself. But I don't know how they are sleeping through it. Or for that fact any of my other neighbors. I mean it is really very loud I am sure that many houses can hear it. Bleh... I kind of want to be a chicken and call the non-emergency police line to report a noise disturbance. Make someone else go to the door because I don't want to. But that would be so chicken of me. So instead I whine to you about it. Sorry :(


Work went good. We had about ten kids absent which made a big difference. Thirty-five instead of forty-five kids makes a huge difference. I also had lots of helpers so that was great. Plus the kindergarten class had a birthday party so most of those kids went home early. Really it went amazingly. God really took care of everything, there was nothing to worry about.

Alright I need to go to sleep. Or at least try with this background music. Tomorrow I need to clean the fridge and I babysit tomorrow night which should be good. I hate missing Saturday night service at my church but Sat. are such big babysitting nights. Did I mention this week I got three new babysitting jobs for the month. So instead of two I have five. I will miss both tomorrow's sat service and the one next week. But such is life. I will listen to the podcast afterwards.

Resolution Update

I keep thinking about this list from my post on 1/1/11:

2011 TO DO List

1. Eat a great bowl of Clam Chowder
    I had a bowl in Chicago on the Navy Pier. It was really good.
2. Try movies I hated as a kid:
a. Labrinth - I hate watching kids hurt and I felt the girl was kind of being torchered.
    Still do not like this movie but not as bad as I remember.
b. The NeverEnding Story - I hated the scary wolves
     Not scary anymore but I don't really understand this movie.
c. The Princess Bride - Watched it too many times to and from camp as a teen
     Pretty good movie, I understand why it is a classic. 
3. Read 20 classic books (currently Emma, Wonderful Wizard of Oz next)
4. Do NaNoWriMo again this year 
    Not only did I win again with 84K words but I was a leader for Phoenix
5. Go to a batting cage
6. Save $150 a month toward buying a new car. (Mine is on its last leg)
    Bought sister-in-law's car and make monthly payments.




I think I have done really good! I did not read the books I thought I would and still hope to one day. I am also thinking about going to a batting cage sometime in the next month. It is not on the top of my mind so I haven't made it to one yet. But I need a couple months ago look to see a few places around town where I could do it pretty cheap. So now I just need to find the time. Maybe the week before Christmas when I have off or next week before I go into work. Hmmm...

Confusing Friday's

Friday's are always very confusing for me. This because I am happy that it is the end of the week but Friday's are my longest days. I normally work 1.5 hours have a two hour break and then work 3 hours. But on Friday's the kids have a half day so i work straight through for 6.5 hours. Now I know that most people work eight or ten hour shifts so six and a half is not bad at all. But for me that makes for a long day especially if I am doing something on Friday evening.

This week has been long and hard. The school just started a new session two weeks ago, we are split into three sessions. And with a new session we have new after school classes. Well the classes are more popular plus more classes were added which means more kids. Plus with out a steady co-worker this week, it has made the week very long. Tomorrow my boss took the day off work as a personal day. She requested it off over a month ago. This leaves me in charge. We did find someone to come in to cover her,  really I cover her and the sub covers me but you get the point. I won't be alone at least. I also have a volunteer coming in to help as well. So even with the extra kids I should be fine. But I can't help but worry. I know that if I am less stressed then the day goes better and being stressed does not help the day one bit. So hopefully tomorrow will go well.

An update on my MIA co-worker. So because it was for medical reasons she can come back as long as she had a doctors note covering the absence and a doctor note releasing her to work again. With my boss out tomorrow she thought it was best for her to just come in on Monday so all the paper work could be handled. So at least I don't have to worry about seeing her tomorrow when i am already dealing with everything else.

Let's see, what am I doing this weekend? Friday night I am volunteering at my church. The staff are having a Christmas party and the caterer needs some help. So after work I will go down there and assist wherever needed. Saturday night I babysit. So I will make some money which is good. This weekend I also need to finish cleaning the fridge. I had taken all of the drawers and shelves out and cleaned those last night. But the bigger job is going to be cleaning the actual fridge. Actually it is the freezer that is the worst. There is a big piece of paper towel stuck to the bottom of the freezer. I don't know how I am going to get that off. But I will figure it out. But I need to get it cleaned. Then of course once the fridges are switched I will have to clean my current one so that we can sell it. I know my dad is coming into town some time this weekend, not sure exactly when. His cousins are having a Christmas party on Sunday. I don't really know them, plus I think it is during the time I am at church so I don't think I will go again this year. Though dad realizes that, I think I am the only one of my siblings he even asks to go anymore. And honestly I would go but church comes first.

I have not been detoxing off caffeine but I still really need to. I am still eating totally weird and random foods. But I can say I have started going to bed earlier. Which I find is nice since I wake up earlier and have time to actually eat breakfast and be rushing out the door to work. So hey one down, two to go.

Co-Worker Frustration

I am so upset. The current policy from the school work in allowed my co-worker to no-call no-show for seven working days before we can terminate. And that had to include my boss calling her four times of the seven working days. That is insane! What kind of policy is that? But it came from the lawyers. So today, wednesday, my boss gave her a call, as per our lawyers. Keep in mind we have not talked to her since thursday when she called out with 1 hour notice. We had heard on friday night from her boyfriend that she was in the hospital but that she would call when she could. Well apparently she was able to call today.

She called this afternoon and said she just got released from the hospital and she could work tomorrow. First I don't understand why she was in the hospital for seven days for an appendisitis. She said she had a bladder infection as well but you don't stay in the hospital for a bladder infection, you go home with a prescription. Second if she had to spend seven days in the hospital for her appendix I don't understand how she can come back to work tomorrow.

My boss, not wanting to deal with her, said she couldn't come in tomorrow because she had to check with HR first. She, totally reasonably I think, wants to have my co-worker have to sign something saying that if she no-call no-show's again that she will be terminated.

The whole thing is just frustrating. But now I just feel fed up with her. If she comes in Friday, which I think she will. I will just be very work oriented. She always wants to chit chat and talk and sit around doing nothing. No more. I don't care if it upsets her. I need someone to help me that I can trust and will be reliable and she is not either of those things. I have a teenager who volunteers sometimes and he is more helpful then she is!

Part of me thinks I should be nice. She just got out of the hospital and doesn't feel well. But then I remind myself that just because I am Christian I do not have to be walked on. And I shouldn't have to do two people's jobs because i want to be nice. So now I want her to come Friday because either she will shape up and get serious or leave. We have bent over backwards for her trying to be nice and helpful and it is just too much now. This is a job and she needs to either get serious about that or quit.

I know I am clearly very upset. But if you had to watch 45 kids on your own for 30 min when the ratio is 1 to 20 then you would be upset too!

Alright I think that is it for now.

Secret Santa = cookie fiasco

I should again be sleeping and yet here I am writing to you. I blame my nano habit of writing daily for 30 days, now it is a habit I don't want to break. But hey that just means I am telling the world more about my crazy life.

I had mentioned before how I am doing a gift exchange at work. The idea is week 1 a $0 gift, week 2 a $1 gift, week 3 a $4 gift, then on the friday of week 3 a $10 gift with the reveal of who you are. I was feeling confused about what to get my person but finally figured it out. My $0 gift was two books from my bookcases. One I had no problem parting with but the second my pack rat side tried to keep it. Luckily I have plenty of experience keeping my pack rat in its cage and so I wrapped up the books and took them to school. The girl had said she like books with humor or self help. So i gave her a little book of Dr. Seussisms and a devotional book from Women of Faith. It is the later I had a hard time giving up but I have owned it for four years now and haven't read it so it must not be that important to me.

Next up on the list is the $1 item. I decided I would bake her some cookies. She said she liked chocolate chip macadamia nut cookies. I had most of the ingredients at home, rather my brother and his wife did. So I bought some chocolate chips and macadamia nuts. They were a bit over a $1 but I figured I wasn't actually giving her all the cookies so it evened out. This evening I attempted to make cookies, this did not go over very well. My first batch of cookies were very runny. I knew it didn't look right but didn't know how to fix it since i followed the recipe. I put them in the oven and they came out as flat as nickels. Not what I was looking for. So determined to still make these cookies I found a different recipe, from toll house cookies. I made the dough and it looked great. I put the dough on the pans and stuck them in the oven. They too came out flat as nickels. I read the internet and realized that my butter must have been too soft. The internet recommended putting the dough in the fridge to make the butter harden. I left in for a full hour and after cooking the cookies they still came out flat. So now I have nearly 5 dozen cookies that all look horrible. They taste pretty good and the ones I put in the fridge are greasier then the ones I didn't put in the fridge.

I don't seem to be too upset about. Mostly just disappointed. I will just stop by Fresh and Easy on the way to work tomorrow and pick up some chocolate covered raisins which were also on her list. They will be a couple dollars but whatever.

I think the only part really bugging me is that it was a waste of time. I am still winding down from the Nano stuff and I only seem to have so much energy to do stuff. Which I know is stupid but true. So i decided tonight to focus on doing the cookies and spent a couple hours doing that. But it was a waste. That time would have been better spent cleaning the fridge I need to move to the kitchen, or doing my laundry, or doing the volunteer project I said I would do and have been putting off. I could have even cleaned the bathroom which needs to be done. Instead I have a 5 dozen cookies that I can't give away because they look so bad and no one in this house should eat them seeing that they are so many calories. Anyways, a little frustrating.

The good thing is that I have already purchased the other two items and have them already wrapped on my table and ready to go. The $4 item is a fragrence diffuser in her favorite scent that I got at Walmart and then the $10 item is the new 2010 Christian WOW CD. With a coupon it was on $10 which I think was a great deal for two cd's.

It is now tomorrow so it must be time for sleeping. Write to you soon.

Unwinding

Today is Dec 3rd and I am now officially done with my ML duties. I mean I have to still watch the site in case anyone needs something but that is easy. No more events, no more planning. The party today went well. I think I could have done with one more thing planned as it was a little slow in the beginning and then ended early. But overall it was good.

I plan to ML again next year which means making contacts with people to find free locations instead of all these coffee shops. But that can wait till January. I am also planning on doing a meeting every month with people to continue writing and editing their books but I think again I may wait till January.

Right now I just want to unwind. I want to get off caffeine again, being off from it for two months and then on again I feel like I am a slave to it. If I go one day with out, or actually my caffeine level is so high that if I don't drink enough I will get a headache. I don't need that. I also want to try and go back to vegan. Now I know what your thinking, ok your not really seeing that you can't see the inside of my fridge. But if you could you would know that I just bought two packages of turkey hot dogs which is totally not vegan. But to bad. I was actually thinking about it the other day that I am again not eating any fruits and vegetables. I don't understand why when i am vegan I eat plenty but now that I am not I avoid them. It kind of lets me know that mentally, at least for me, that vegan might be the best option. To help me stay healthy.

I haven't actually weighed myself but I think I have mostly maintained my weight. In fact lately I have been in my skinny pants so I may have lost some. I figure it has to do with me eating such basics like granola bars and pb & j sandwiches so often it has kept my calorie count down. Not that I am eating healthy by any sense of the word but less calories means weight loss.

Tonight I rented Green Lantern from Red Box. I cancelled my Netflix due to budget reasons. I cleaned up and packed all of my NaNoWriMo stuff away and then just laid on the couch and watched the movie. It was nice and relaxing.

I really need to get my sleep schedule back to something a little more normal. Last night I babysat so i didn't get home till 1:30 am but I then stayed up even later till 3am. Then today I slept till 11:30. I want to be on a day schedule. It just makes the most sense. So bed by 10:30 unless babysitting. And then wake up by 8:30. That should be plenty of sleep.

So my real challenge next year is if I can not let Nano disrupt my entire life. I mean I now have to get off caffeine, go back to vegan, and fix my sleep schedule. Yikes! Though at least I know how much I prefer having those the way they were.

Well it is 11pm now and I have church in the morning. So time for me to sleep.

Finally Over, Well Not Really

(Written Friday but posted Saturday.)


It has been a long day. No scratch that a long week! My coworker is crazy. Literally. She is either bipoler or a tweeker. Either way I now watch her more than the kids. In the last 21 working days she has missed eight of them usually with less then two hours notice, keep in mind of course we start at 3pm. It is not some morning job and so she is sleeping in. Sometimes she even says, when she is telling me the newest crazy story, that she knew the night before she wasn't coming. Then duh, why not call and say that. The whole thing has been frustrating. 

Then today she had said she would come, she had called out on Thursday so she was asked specifically if she would be there on Friday. Then she no call no showed! Today was the craziest Friday ever. We have more kids then normal due to some new after school classes offered. Then doing most of it on my own was just crazy. I felt worn out before half the day was over. An hour before we were done I felt so exhausted a literally wanted to lay down and sleep. My co-workers boyfriend did call to say that she was in the hospital with a burst appendix. Though he also said she had been there since last night and I know that it is a short procedure so why couldn't she call all day? I know I should feel bad but honestly I don't actually believe that her appendix burst. She has just lied to many times. 

So that is how my day has gone. I had a two hour break before I had a babysitting job. I didn't really have the money for it but I went out to Islands and got a burger and fries. They were so delicious, especially because I was starving. I stopped at party city and got some stuff for my TGIO party tomorrow. I am nervous about it but keep reminding myself it is a party it is going to be fun. I am sure it will be I just have a few details to work on tomorrow morning before it starts.

Another fun thing is my refrigerator is starting to act weird. While I was gone to my sisters for two weeks my brother had heard an odd noise from the freezer. We haven't heard it since but yesterday something underneath started to tick. Luckily we have a spare fridge in the house. So now I need to clean out my fridge so we can try to sell it and then clean out the other fridge and figure out how to get it in the kitchen. Ok that is not too hard my dad will come down for a party on the eleventh so he and my brother should be able too move them around.

I think that is it for now. Update you later with more co-worker drama.

Last Day of Nano

I did it! I am a NaNoWriMo Winner for the second year in a row! Ok, I had technically won the last time I blogged but I wanted to finish my novel before the end of November. So here it is at 10:20 pm on Nov. 30th and I have put an end on my novel. My book ended where I thought it would but the details of how it got there were not exactly what I expected. I am happy with my story. Though of course I have not read it yet and it will take lots and lots of edits before I will be ready to share it.

Right now I sit at a Denny's. This is my second to last outing as an ML for this year. I call this the last chance write-in. We had a total of six people come, including me. Three people still had not reached the 50,000 mark. One woman was doing some editing and then a second woman and I came to finish our stories. Now as I sit here there are three of us. Me, i just finished. Steph, who is at 112K and still typing away. And Robert, who still has another 2K to write in the next hour and a half. I am trying to be supportive but I don't think he will make it, he doesn't type fast enough. 

My last event as an ML (Municipal Liason) for Phoenix is to throw a Thank God it is Over Party. We are doing it at a Denny's so food and drink I don't have to worry about. I have been advised most of it is just to be hanging out and talking. But I am planning a few things to help keep the flow and make it fun. So I have a few things I need to do before Saturday afternoon. 

I am also supposed to be working on a budget for December. I had the three days off for Thanksgiving and then I have two weeks off for Christmas/New Years so I will have to be careful with my money again this month. I have a few more babysitting jobs lined up so that will be helpful. I am also finding several opportunities for volunteering which I love to do so that makes me happy. It is just the sitting down to do the budget and see my numbers is the hard part. 

On Cyber Monday Alegiant Airlines had a deal for half off flights on Christmas Day to Moline, so it was only $50 but to fly back it would have cost be $150 so it wasn't that great of a deal. I mean who really wants to fly Christmas Day anyways. Ok, I totally would have if the flight back wasn't so high. Maybe next summer I will be able to go out to see my sister. 

Let's see what else...There is a weird situation at work. I can't really talk about it. It is an issue/concern about a co-worker. I had taken up the line of management and hopefully it will have some sort of resolution tomorrow. Oh but I can talk about the gift exchange at work. We are doing this secret santa that involves giving four gifts over the next three weeks. I still haven't figured out what to give to the girl I have. We all filled out these forms of information about us. The first gift is $0 and she said she liked contemporary christian so I thought I could give her a cd that I already own. But the gifts are supposed to be progressively better and I don't know how I don't know where to go from there. The second gift is $1 and then 3rd gift is $4 and the last gift is $10 so you spend a total of $15 and don't reveal yourself until the last gift. I haven't thought too much about it though with Nano taking up my mind. I really need to figure it out soon though because the first gift is due by this Friday. I haven't gotten my gift yet so I don't feel so bad about not giving mine yet. Maybe I will stop and look at the list when I get home.

...Robert just won. I don't know how he did it so fast but he is done. Which means I get to go home now. With Nano not taking all of my words I should post more often. 

Black Friday

When I was 17 I convinced my mom that we should go shopping for black friday. Now this was twelve years ago and things were different back then. The first year we went out it was because several stores offered free items for showing up. It was there way of getting you out to their store on black friday. I remember a cookie tin at K-mart but not much else. The other thing I do remember is that we went to bed on Thanksgiving night because the stores didn't open until five or six in the morning.

The next year is more vivid in my memory. We went to JcPenny's and stood in a long line to get some free snow globes they were offering. Again it was in the morning probably five or so. The line wasn't very long maybe fifty or so people. My mom went outside for cigarette break and they happened to open the doors to let us in. Instead of being smart and handing out one to each person they had a table set up in the middle of the fragrance section. People ran to the table mobbing it. There were boxes with, I think 12 globes per box. People would grab a box and then just dump it in there bag. I found myself in the middle of this crowd not really sure how to handle it. But kept moving forward, I did want one to. When I got to the front, me being me, tried to start handing them back. I thought start handing them out and people would get what they want and the crowd wouldn't be crazy. But people didn't understand what I was trying to do. They just wanted to get to the front. So I took two, one for my mom and one for me, and got out of the crowd.

My mom was on the side of the crowd and she had tears in her eyes. "What's wrong mom?" I asked. She gave me a big hug. She explained how they had also opened the doors outside at the same time and she saw me in the middle of the crowd trying to help people in the middle of the madness and she was just so proud of me. I never forget that. I think it is one of my favorite memories of my mother.

I think we had one more black friday together. The stores opened at midnight and it was crazier out. There weren't as many free items so we just bought a few things and headed home. After mom died I have always gone out on black friday. It was like this tradition that I wanted to hold on to. That if I let this tradition go then it would be letting part of my mom go. So every year I would go and brave the crowds and buy something. Usually nothing important. In fact last year I found myself standing in a Toys-R-Us parking lot waiting to get in to buy some toy my nephew. The deal was ok but it was just silly to go out but it is this need. Even when I don't intend to I go out anyways.

This year is different. Months ago I had so, no black friday shopping. I remembered how last year I spent more money then I had on things I don't even use. I bought a stack of movies I haven't watched most of them more than once. In fact I was so caught up in the buying that I bought a movie that was blu ray only and I don't have a blu ray player. So this year I was like no shopping.

Well God heard me and He agreed. This year I have no money. I did a lot of praying this last weekend and God provided the money to take me through the end of the month. I have just what I need to pay for my obligations. If I spend anything on black friday I will come up short. I knew this. I feel like this walking on the edge is partly so that I won't be able to shop today. But it has been so hard.

I had Wednesday off work. My dad was in town and he and my brother for a large portion of the day sat at the kitchen table looking at online ads figuring out what to buy and comparing prices. They even went shopping at one point. Then today Thanksgiving we had the paper so of course we talk about shopping ads all day long. It gets under my skin knowing that part of me just wants to go out. It's my tradition and I have to keep that tradition to remember my mom. But then I remind myself that I still have that memory even if I don't go shopping for black friday. This year I bought a necklass with my mom's name and the date of her death on it. I don't always wear it but I did today. I had to keep her close to me. I had to remind myself that I am not letting her down, I am not forgetting her. I am just moving forward.

So here I sit typing on my computer with my sister-in-laws laptop next to me. My brother and his wife are out shopping but they want to order something online for her mother so I agreed to stay up and purchase it for them. I have to check every hour in case they post it early. I was doing just fine with it until I am reminded again of what I am doing. My younger brother walks in the house with the items he bought at a black friday sale. Then my dad wanting to play the "black friday game" starts talking about how he has his computer set up to help buy it incase I don't get it in time. He goes on and on about it and I don't want to hear it. I want to just go to my room but I know that he is too tired to stay awake another hour and I told my brother I would buy it and so I sit and listen to my dad ramble about how excited he is and the technical process of purchasing the item first. It is that rush, that feeling of excitement in the stores that I have come to love and associate with the black friday memory of my mother. It makes me anxious and can not stand it. I eventually speak up. Asking them to please stop talking about it. I am just going make a purchase online, its not a big deal and I need it not to be. I do not tell them how it affects me. I do not explain how emotional this day is for me. Because not only am I fighting this tradition I have with my mother who is gone all day I have thought about my sister and my brother-in-law and my nephews who I miss so very much. And it is too much.

Tomorrow they will talk about all the things they bought. I may try to escape but where would I go. Everywhere people will be out buying things and spending money and it will be in my face. So if you do not hear from me tomorrow it is because I am hiding in my room. Trying not to let black friday get to me. Trying to not let myself feel like I have ruined the memory of my mother because I did go out like I have for years now.

November

I have not posted in forever. Sorry about that but it is November. Did I mention that November is National Novel Writing Month or for short we call it NaNoWriMo. Over 200,000 people from around the world attempt to write a novel with a minimum of 50,000 words. 

This is only my second year however a leader needed to step up to help cordinate and encourage everyone in Phoenix so I decided to do this. So in addition to writing a Novel in November I am on the web site encouraging people. Sending out weekly e-mails and organizing write-in’s for people to go to. There are nearly a thousand people in Phoenix writing novels. To date we have writen over fourteen million words. But in the last few years, without good leadership, people did not attend events. So I have planned an event every day of the month, saturdays two, all around the valley. The average event has about three to five people attend. I was hoping for a little more success but this is good.

I do love leading and encouraging so I plan to do this again. Next year I will have no more than 4 events a week and I will try my best to have them all at free locations. This year I struggled with that and so I am always at coffee shops or Denny’s. And for me, who goes to everyone, the cost adds up. I know what you are asking, do they pay you to do this? The answer is no. I do this out of the kindness of my heart and out of my own pocket. I have tried to bring a little jar to encourage people to donate though I kind of stopped bringing it around as it is the same groups of people nearly every time. 

Even with the fact that I am totally broke because of this I still love. I still think that leading NaNo was the right thing to do. Everyday I am out in the community meeting people, encouraging people, being positive and upbeat to help them meet their daily word goals. I share the joy that I have with others. Plus of course I am writing a Christian chick-lit book and I do not keep that a secret. It has come up in many conversations casually how my girl is a christian. (There is a wedding in my book and I am trying to keep the book PG.) 

I think that next month I will feel lonely. After being so social next month will be hard. Especially because I have two weeks off from work (school closed) so I really will feel lonely. I should probably apologize in advance to my roommates because I will surely talk their ears off next month. Seeing that they both read my blog I will say it here; Sorry Teel and Mandy for me being annoying next month.

So November is really busy for me and that is why I have not posted. I have only found time to post now because my book requires me to use the internet and the Starbucks I am at the internet is not working very well. So it is causing me much aggravation and frustration. I would leave but I have two people writing with me so I here I sit. Trying to be encouraging, pretending I am writing my novel when I really am not. 

Did I mention how I am doing on my novel? Not yet. Well I am doing very well. As I mentioned the goal is 50K words. I am just under 70K right now but I am still working on the story. I figure the story should end around 85K words. With nine more days and one of those has an overnight write-in. I will definitely be able to give my story an ending before I am done. I currently do not have write-in’s on Thanksgiving or Black Friday but that is mostly because it will be so crazy outside. I figure maybe I will just stay home and be encouraging from there. 

There is not a lot going on my life otherwise. Ok that is not exactly true. I just don’t want to talk about it. Let’s just say after quitting my nanny job I have come across some struggles with getting more work. However I am trusting God to take care of me. It is weird because it is like He is keeping me on the edge of a cliff and He doesn’t let me fall off but He also blocks all my paths away from the edge. I was feeling a little wobbly on Saturday so I stopped and talked to God about it. He said I needed to just keep walking. So that is what I am doing. I don’t look down because that won’t help and don’t look at the safe path because that won’t help. Instead I just focus on what is ahead of me and trust that God will eventually lead my path to safer ground.

Yes, I know crazy analogy but it is totally what works for me. I mean didn’t Jesus always talk in analogies? I really think God gives me analogies to help me understand what He is doing in my life. 

But hey if you want to pray for me there is an opportunity to go to Belize in March and I think God may be telling me I should go. I don’t know how I will pay my bills next month so I have no idea how I will afford the $1500 to go to Belize in a few months. Though of course it is God that will afford it not me. And maybe I am understanding Him wrong and I won’t go. That will be fine too but…anyways. Hence why I am saying if you could pray about it for me as well that would be great.

I am trying to learn. Ok really God keeps pounding it into my head at church that I need to rely on my community, my friends, my family. I tend to just let it be me. I try to do it all myself but of course this is not very easy to do. So even putting that last paragraph is hard because it is asking for you to help me pray for something. I have to learn that the people around me care about me and love me and want good for me and so I need to let them help.

Like my shower. I had awful day last week, money issues. I had decided to buy a new shower head anyways. The one I had was old and I tried to CLR it twice and it was like it got worse each time. I was so frustrated every time I went to shower. So I come home from the store already frustrated and then just want to take a shower. I figure no big deal to change the shower head but it was giving me ridiculous problems. I mean it didn’t even make sense all the stupid things it was doing or not doing. My brother was in his living room I could have asked for help but I was being prideful. I wanted to do it on my own so I didn’t ask. The next day after work I was calm and rational and so I asked my brother for help. It took him like a minute to do what I failed to do in like 30 minutes. I was stubborn and for no good reason. 

Let’s see what else. I guess the only other thing came up last week. It was part of the stress of my money issues I think. I am still not handling my sister moving across the country very well. This last week two of my nephews had birthdays. It was the first time I didn’t celebrate their birthdays with them. I sent them gifts. It was hard trying to figure out what they would like and as I stood in the Walmart trying to decide I realized that each year it would get harder and harder because I would know them less and less. 

Saturday night when I was feeling lost about money and path I started looking for jobs in Davenport where my sister is. I mean if I don’t have anything holding me here then why not go. But of course I have free rent here and at least I have a part time job and there is no way I could afford to even pay for the gas to drive out there let alone pay for first month rent and deposit on an apartment. So it is not really practical. 

I am still horrible about calling my sister. And then she called me yesterday and I took the call while I was at a Write-In but then the coffee shop was closing so I had to let her go so I could say goodbye to the Wrimo’s that came to the write-in. I should have called her back when I got home and didn’t. Thanksgiving is this week and that is hard. Her family always came over for Thanksgiving. And then of course Christmas coming up. I seem to be living under the idea that if I don’t talk to her then it’s not true. Though of course that’s not really true either seeing that my background wallpaper on my computer is the picture of all of us when we went to Chicago. So ever time I shut down or turn on my computer, which is at least twice a day in November, I see their picture. 

Someone today was picking up their kid from after school. She said she was going to go visit her sister for spring break. She then mentioned that she hadn’t been out there since her son was one and a half, he is now six. The idea of that just pained me. But then I realize that she has done it just fine. People do it all the time. I need to just figure it out and stop pretending that it isn’t true.  

People at work keep asking if I am going to see my sister for Thanksgiving. It always makes me pause. I wish I could I always think but there is just no way. I am just trusting God I will be able to send them gifts for Christmas. 

Ok, so I have shared way to much now. In fact I totally want to delete the whole last section about my sister since she totally reads my blog. But as I have said before, it is how I feel and so there it is in black and white.

Rainbow After the Storm

On Friday evening as I was leaving work I glanced up at the clouds and saw a rainbow. It was odd since it hadn't rained though I could smell rain in the air. But the rainbow meant so much more to me, just as it did to Noah after the flood. When I saw that rainbow I felt a calming from God. I knew as I saw that rainbow that my storm was over and with my next breath I could breath so much easier.

Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday I was extremely depressed and very suicidal. This is something that I deal with time to time but not as often and not as severe as it was this time. That is why I choose to live poor because for me it is choosing to live happy. So when (as I mentioned in my last post) I thought about going back to the corporate world and work in a cubicle or do work a monkey could do I knew in my gut it was the wrong choice. Yes it would get me out of my current situation but I would not be happy for long and then what. Instead I wanted to fix was wrong so I could go back to happy. I had known it all along but was hoping it was something different but it is my nanny job that is driving me crazy. I can't go into details but due to several reasons the boy I watch who has always required a lot of patients is now having more severe mood swings. This affects me. He can go from loving me and kissing my hand to 30 min later telling me how much he hates me and wishing I was never his nanny. The worst is he has started running away from me as if I would physically hurt him, which since I work with him at school too I am very worried this is going to create a problem.

I wanted to quit Tuesday but felt I wasn't in my right mind and wanted to be sure after my mood leveled out if I felt the same way. I didn't want to be rash. Wednesday I felt the same way and after discussing it during my woman's wed morning bible study with feedback going both ways I knew in my heart what I had to do. So Thursday morning I gave my notice for my nanny position. It felt like such a relief that I would be done soon. Some people who didn't even know what was going on with me commented that afternoon that I "looked so much better" and would say things like "I can tell you are feeling better." And it was true...until that evening. Thursday evening the mom told her son that I was no longer going to watch him. This then created a slew of text messages first telling me how he was crying for hours about it and how sad he was and that he loved me. Then the texts switched to her begging me to stay mixed with insults blaming me for things not working out. I sent her a long reply back explaining that I would not change my mind and did mention at the end of the text that earlier in the week when I said I was sick it was actually my severe depression caused by his extreme mood swings. I had not ever mentioned my depression to her, really it isn't her business. But that seemed to get the texts to stop and made her more cordial with me on Friday when I saw her. I take him to school Monday morning and then I have one more week with him not this week but next week. So I will be done on Oct 14th with the nanny job.

I know after my last post this seems crazy to quit a job without another one lined up. To when I am already not making enough money to quit a job I make 1/4 of my monthly income at. But that is part of the rainbow. I know God will provide for me. He always has before and He will this time. I know that God does not want me to feel like I had this past week. Although depression is part of my life I know that God does not intend for it to BE my life.


Saturday night I went to my church service. This week David Stockton was preaching in Ecclesiastes 4. I have read this chapter before and yet never seen what David pointed out and that is about friendship. Specifically 4 types of friends we are encouraged to have. I think they were co-worker, best friend, lover, and ally. Ok when I list it like that it seems simply, we all have them right? But when you look at the verses each of the four are people who are very close and tightly bonded with you. This (as I have mentioned before) is something I struggle deeply with. I have never been good at having or keeping friends. I blame some on my mom and her lack of friends but for whatever reason I lack this skill. So as I listened to the message I wanted to get up and walk out. Part of me wanted to, and still wants to be angry about the message. But it is not like David said I couldn't be a Christian without friends he just said it would be lonely. And I already know that to be true. Really what I felt was pain, a deep pain in my heart for something I know I am already missing and don't know how to find. I kind of want to talk to him about it but I don't really know what there is to discuss. It was kind of a straight forward message, you need friends and if you don't have them then pray for God to bring some into your life. Like I hadn't already tried that, thanks so much! ...See again this underline frustration about it.

But tonight God showed me again how He is here for me. A couple days ago I was at the gas station and as I was getting ready to leave I saw a woman and her car needed a jump so I tried to help her out. I had our cars hooked up for nearly 15 min but it didn't work. At that point she had a friend arrive and I let them take over trying to charge her battery. What I didn't realize was the battery in my car had a 4 year life and I was coming up on almost exactly 4 years. So this evening when as I got in my car to leave a babysitting job my car battery was dead. Of course the family was super helpful in giving my car a jump. I was so frustrated. What I didn't realize at the time was God was already all over this. When my car didn't start my first thought was to call my dad. Sometimes I hate to do it, especially when I am pretty sure I know what is wrong but talking to dad when my car is broken just makes me feel more confident. My initial though was "I will take it to my car place to have it looked at tomorrow." But I have to nanny in the morning. I was concerned that even if it did start in the morning what if it didn't start when I was taking the kid to school. Then I remembered my brother has a battery that can be used to give a car a jump. It requires a 24 hour charge to work but by some crazy reason he had happened to plug in in yesterday evening. I could just take it with me and give my car a jump if it stopped no problem. God provided.

Later this evening I realize how stupid I was. I could have just driven to any O'Reilly Auto or Auto Zone to have my battery checked. It was already 10:30 but the Auto Zone closest to me was open till 11pm. So I went down to have it checked. I get down there and they can't help me remove the battery after 10pm for safety reasons. So me being me I borrow their tools and go outside to remove the battery myself. Of course they do not have the wrenches to remove the bolts on the battery. So I head home where I can use my own tools. I find the right size wrenches but it is already five to 11pm so I figure I will just wait till tomorrow. That is when my brother comes out with his shoes and socks and offers to drive me to the 24 hour store across town. We decide that I should probably just go to Walmart and buy a battery and have mine checked in the morning but at least I will be covered. He offers to drive me but I turn him down. I get in my car, pull out of the driveway and then my car stalls. It stalled 2 more times while I was just trying to get it back in the driveway. So I do have to use my brothers help after all. The weird thing is he should totally be sleeping. He has barely had any sleep over the last couple days and should be exhausted but is awake for no known reason. My battery is of course the reason.

I realize that if it wasn't for the last min nanny job I wouldn't have known my battery had died till Mon morning as I was leaving for work. I realize even if that happened my brothers battery backup would have been charged and waiting for me. I also realize that it didn't matter if I got a new battery this evening or tomorrow God provided a way for it to be taken care of when I was ready to do it. I even realize that the last minute nanny job paid for over half of the battery I wasn't expecting to buy. I realize all this and how God is reminding me that He is still here for me and how He showed me that I do have people when I need help, that I am not alone. I then immediately but accidently, smash my hand into something and now my pinky finger hurts so bad I am sure I will have a bruise in the morning. But even with the pain it doesn't matter. God has me in His hands and He is not letting go. He will not let me fall further down then I can handle.


**On a side note. I have eating either meat, dairy, or eggs every day this week. I also started drinking caffeine again on the 28th as the fast for the church ended on the 27th. It was a really hard week emotionally and I feel guilty about eating so horribly. I do plan to get back on the vegan diet because I was feeling much better and sleeping better while eating more healthy and abstaining from caffeine. I did not weigh in this week.