A Numb Christmas

With a new year approaching and my 30th birthday just a few months away I am becoming very reflective on my life. On Christmas eve I spend the day with my father and his extended family down in Tucson. Some was good, some was boring, some was frustrating. Christmas day felt weird this year with the absence of my sister, brother-in-law and the kids. I skipped church and instead stayed home to make buccala. It is a salted cod fish (called buccala) wrapped in a sticky dough and deep fried. My mother's parents did it every Christmas and then so did my mother every year. It is an italian tradition. Last year my older brother showed me how and this year I did it with a little help of my younger brother. It went great and I have had lots and lots of buccala to eat this year. I did an entire pound of fish in one day, which most people don't do because it is so time consuming. So I am pretty proud. My older brother made lasagna and his wife the bread rolls. Heath and his fiance also joined us and the six of us had a lovely time eating and then opening gifts.

I have been trying to figure it out but I feel so distant on holidays. This year I isolated myself from others and in past years I have done the same. The logical answer is memories of my mother and her missing from the picture is too painful. Sometimes it is because sitting in a room with my dad and brothers often the girls just sit around not talking and listening to whatever odd thing they are talking about. The other girls seem completely ok with this but I don't understand. I would prefer to just do my own thing. This year I feel even more numb as now I don't just miss my mom but also my sister and my nephews. And then I think about how next year, God willing, my older brother and sister-in-law will be able to travel to Japan. Which means next year I really will feel alone. I know people do this all the time, move forward and celebrate without their family. I try to picture what next year will look like but I don't even know.

I want to run away from this life. Painful and heart breaking. Full of suffering, frustrations, and a lack of understanding. But there is no where to escape to.

I think about the future. What will I do this year? In a year will I be in a better place physically, financially, emotionally? Or in a year will I still be numb from shutting down my emotions to try to not feel the pain.

I try to figure out a way to better myself. How will I get ahead this year? What can I do to improve my situation? But I see no certain path in front of me. I hate feeling so helpless and lost.

As I sit here stairing at the screen lost in an absence of thought I remember that I do not always feel this way. I remember that this mearly a low of emotions and that I will get through this to happy thoughts and happy moments. And I close my eyes hoping that this moment will pass quickly before it pulls me deeper down.