Here I sit wishing I wanted it more. I know it hasn't been long since I said this before. I wish that I wanted to get up and exercise. I wish I wanted to eat healthy things. I wish that my desire to be healthy was rooted deeper inside of me because right now it is more like an idea then a desire.
Today I ate horrible. All day, even now I sit typing this while drinking a Smirnoff ICE (228 cal.) I did not exercise today or yesterday. I know that I should. I know the long term benefits would be good but today I wanted junk more. I wanted to be lazy and didn't care about watching my calories. Yesterday I was ravenous all day. I would eat and be starving an hour later.
This morning I weighed myself and I was 275 so I lost the two pounds I wanted to. I know that I can do it so why do I then go and eat a million calories? Why do I make bad choices all day long?
The truth is that I am feeling unworthy. Unworthy for prior fat girl. Unworthy for my writing group. Unworthy for my college classes that point out all of my grammar errors. Unworthy for the job I may be offered for next school year. So I hide. I hide in my living room watching dumb tv shows and old movies. I hide behind food that satisfies my desires and doesn't tell me how unworthy I am.
I have always known that I do not completely love myself. This is why it is hard for me to love others and believe that they could love or care for me. I want to do better. I strive to do better. I try to "fake it till I make it" but really I can only fool myself so long.
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With all this said, tomorrow I will keep trying. I will keep pushing myself. I will track my calories and I will exercise for at least 20 minutes. I will try again because I have to. I can't stop here. This is not all God has for me but He needs me to keep reaching for it. I can't just stand here in my rut hoping grace will fall down on me. I need to go out and find it even if somedays, like today, I fail.
I was watching some tv show last night and it used the phrase, "Keep calm and carry on." I thought yeah, that makes sense. I could get upset about today and yesterday but no I need to just keep calm and carry on. Totally stupid I know, but hey any motivation is good motivation right?
<3 Any motivation is great. You can do this!
ReplyDeleteAngela, I voted for you in the PriorFatGirl contest because I identified most with you. You are worthy....never give up the fight! You know what you should be doing...just do it!
ReplyDeletePlease keep calm and carry on -- You have to know and believe that you are ALWAYS worthy. Another cliche quote, but "everything happens for a reason" and one day, maybe not tomorrow or next week, but one day, you will understand. The beauty of starting at the bottom is that anything you do is better than nothing. I voted for you in the Prior Fat Girl blog because I can relate to your situation. I can read your disappointment but I know that we can all be prior fat girls. Better than that, you've expanded your readership and I'm looking forward to following your journey here, just as I would have on PFG. I am also struggling with my weight and I've been finding motivation in relating to others who are pushing themselves to reach their goals. I've got all the motivation in the world but none of the dedication.
ReplyDeleteI hope that you can find the inspiration you need to push through the disappoinment and continue to be a motivation to myself and others. but most of all, do it for you. PFG or not, you're the one in the battle.