2B Mindset sends me off track

I was moving forward. Taking each day at a time. I was lowering my sodium intake to help my blood pressure drop. I started exercising more and maintaining at least 7K steps each day. I was not dropping a lot of weight but I felt like I was taking steps forward.

I have a Beachbody coach and have been connected with my coach's group. Then I found out that they had a new nutrition program coming out. The nutritionist is Ilana who was overweight during childhood and into her teenage life. The commercial sounds great. It mentions comments about "Stop emotional eating" and "Changing your mindset," "Your never going to cut out calories," "Your never going to have to say no to alcohol, sweets, nothing."

This sounds great. I know that I have a sweet tooth and I will always want to have ice cream sometimes. Also I know I have a mindset issue and have realized I may need to start seeing a counselor to help me figure out some of my food issues. So I bought the program not knowing anything, only $100.😬 I also got a deal on some Shakeology which I had been wanting to try.

I got instant digital access and in about 10 days I got a box with paper copies of the plan, tracker, recipes and a 30oz water bottle.

You know what they failed to mention? Oh the fact that you are only eating vegetables. Okay it only feels like that but I mean really you are eating a lot of vegetables. Half of lunch is vegetables and 75% of dinner is vegetables. Carbs are only for energy so you only get fiber filled carbs for breakfast and lunch.

Sure you don't count calories but you are still tracking everything you eat. Oh and you are still hungry find some more vegetables to eat. It says you don't have to say NO to anything however unless it is a vegetable, protein, fiber filled carb (which fruit falls under) then you don't get to eat it. So I want to include ice cream during the week as a treat but that is not actually an option on the not a diet, diet.

I thought the video's were going to help with my emotional eating and help me change my mindset about overeating due to stress. None of this is really address besides telling me to drink more water or eat more vegetables.

So how did this send me off track? Well I hate vegetables. I eat lettuce, fresh spinach, cucumbers, carrots, bell peppers and that is about it. I know that I need to stretch out a bit but this plan has sent me over the edge. I hate cauliflower and zucchini but with dinner 75% veg unless I am only eating salads I have to add in cauliflower rice or zoodles to pretend I am eating carbs. I couldn't do it. And maybe that is why I am overweight. Maybe if I would just eat vegetables all day then I would loose weight but that does not sound fun. It all feels so limiting!

Even the carbs that I am allowed are mostly encouraged to be fruit. If not fruit then it should have 1 gram of fiber for every 10g of carbs. So the changes I had made already were not good enough. Instead I now have boxes of crackers that I don't want to eat because they taste gross. In the videos she keeps saying the word "delicious" as if it would psychologically change my opinion of the food she is talking about. She actually uses several positive adjectives to describe the food you are to eat in specific tones to emphasize the words.  Maybe that will work for some but not for me.

So did my mindset change? I am drinking more water everyday. Not my full 150oz I am supposed to but between 100-120oz. I need to include more vegetables daily. For lunch and dinner I need to have some vegetables. The third thing I need to work on is dinner and done. It is no secret that people binge eat in the evening. I am no exception to that. My goal is to have a small snack when I get home from work and then eat dinner closer to when I go to bed.

This plan could totally work for you. If you love your veggies and don't mind fiber filled carbs then do it! Get the plan and work it. Tracking is important and weighing yourself tells you how you are doing. I have zero doubt that this works for Ilana and it works for others. It is just not for me. It is not what is best for me.

So what now? Back to figuring out each day as it comes. Doing my best each day.

Stress, Fear and a Realization

I don't know what set it off but a little over a week ago my nutrition went hay wire. Every single day I went out to eat for about ten days. My calories were not always ridiculously over but sometimes it was. I stopped hitting my step goals during this time as well. Here is what that looks like digitally. 

This first one shows how I went over on four of the days. The trick with this is that when my steps add in it changes how many calories I really ate. Though Friday I really didn't much at all which is also not good either. 

Really I guess I do know what set my over eating off. It was stress from my life that included a disappointment with my college classes as well as stress about my living situation. In addition my weight loss threw me off as well. I know that sounds crazy but it is true. I started this at 301 lbs. I had for years stayed around 260 so this 40 lb gain was connected to some stress of changing my job a few months ago. I hit the number 294 on the scale but what effected me was my pants falling down. Lets expand on that.

At size 28 or 30, which I have been for at least a decade, you can not buy cheap pants. It really is not possible because regular stores do not sell them. I have to go to Torrid or Lane Bryant to buy clothes where pants are priced at $70! I buy them on sale to save money but they are still at least $40 a pair. I also found out that Old Navy does sell plus size online at fairly good deals. They are cheaper then Torrid and Lane Bryant but the plus sizes are not as cheap as the "regular" size clothes. Even when they have the $5 sales are never actually $5 for plus size, it is frustrating. So the thought of loosing weight means buying new clothes which is an expensive endeavor. Two days ago I realized how I was wrong.

I am currently a size 28. My pants that are size 30 are loose and need a belt. I realized that Walmart sells size 26 and Target sells 24 so really if I loose weight it is not as expensive as I thought it would be. Yesterday i went to Walmart and picked up a pair of pants in a size 26 for $16! What $16 for pants! I know they won't last as long as my $70 pants but still that is a huge difference. Then I realized, very excitedly, that if I get to a size 24/26 I can buy pajamas at a store. I want to wear fun pajamas that don't actually come in plus sizes as if we some how wouldn't want to wear any. I am so excited about pajamas! Do you know how ridiculous it is that Target and Walmart sells 4X shirts, underwear, non-jean pants but no pajamas. I have been wearing work out clothes to bed for years because it is all I can buy. So crazy!! Okay enough about pajamas. 😃

So this week I am back to making better choices. Today I did a 21 Day Fix - Cardio Fix video. Tomorrow morning I will, hopefully, wake up in time to go for a morning hike. I really want to get out and hike again. It has been a long time since I have had a chance. In fact I used to think "I would totally hike more if I had time in the morning." At the time I worked at 7:30am but now I do not work until 10am. I really want to take advantage while the weather is still nice in the a.m. and before I start teaching again. 

This week my focus is getting back on track with calories and portion control. I am also adding in at least three workouts, more then just my step goal of 7K a day. Next week I want to start focusing on adding more fruits and vegetables to my daily eating because they are severely lacking right now. 

Feeling Frustrated

This is just a quick post as I need to leave for work soon and I am not even dressed yet. For the past three weeks I have been hitting my goal of 7K+ steps a day. I have also lowered my salt intake to about 2500g from the 4500g I used to be at. I keep hoping that my blood pressure will reflect these changes but it is NOT! It is is very frustrating!! I can say that it seems to be a bit more consistent at a steady 168/109 and not jumping into the 170's or the 180's. However 168 is not a good number and I really need it to drop. I do not want to go on meds. I want to be able to naturally lower the blood pressure by making smart decisions. Am I just being to impatient? Does it take longer for it to drop? I feel like it should be effected daily but if there is just too much fat around and in my heart then it can't get better yet.

So what is my next step? Continue to monitor my salt intake keeping it near the 2500g. I am also going to start doing the 21 day fix workout video. My goal to start is 3x a week as I feel like I am so short on time right now. I plan to increase it eventually but I want to be realistic for now. The video always gets my heart beating fast and maybe working out my heart muscle might help it get healthier. If it is not below 160 by May I think I will have to actually go see a dr. about it.  Money I do not have to spend.

Snickers is My Favorite!

Today is Saturday and I had a work meeting to go to first thing in the morning. I decided to stop by Starbucks on the way and get my favorite Venti Carmel Frapuccino Soy milk no whip and a cheese danish. This isn't too bad but I didn't realize the egg sandwich I picked at the work meeting was sooo many calories. 

Frappuccino (No whip) - 360 cal

Cheese Danish - 320 cal

Panera Sausage, egg, and cheese sandwich - 560 cal

Making breakfast 1220 calories which is over half of my daily budget. I didn't realize until I was eating the sandwich when I suddenly felt so full. So that was a bit of a mistake. Then about an hour or so later they were passing around a bowl of full size candy bars. I immediately grabbed a full size snickers bar. I tore open the back and then froze. "I can't eat this." I didn't want to. I was still full from breakfast and I did not need/want the candy bar. I put it down and it stayed there for the rest of the meeting. This is not really like me but I am want it to be. 

The rest of the day is going to be tricky. The other thing I need to work on is hitting my steps on the weekends. I only get about 2500 steps on Sat and Sun while the rest of the week I am exceeding 7000 steps. With the extra steps I get a few extra calories so it helps keep me green each day. Here are my Lose It and FitBit for the week. I only went over calories on Tuesday, though today I will probably go over. 

Overall I am doing well. The scale is doing a lot of fluctuating but I feel my pants feeling loose again. Time to stop blogging and go out for an afternoon walk at a local park.

*Note it is 4pm and I still have not eaten the snickers. It is right in front of me and open but I want calories that fill me and that is not a snickers right now. I am so proud of me! 😃

Never Considered This Before

Over the last few months I have started considering the idea of gastric bypass surgery. I have never considered it before. I always thought, no way I can do this on my own. I thought it was too much and too restricting.  Now I feel like I need that help. I have tried for so long and I fail over and over again. I start and I try and try and I don't feel like I ever see the results for all the work I do. I stress eat and overeat and underestimate how much I eat. It is all so hard! Not that that surgery would be easy. You really never eat again. It would be so hard, and painful, and difficult. I don't know.

I mentioned before the documentary I watched called My Big Fat Body. At one point a doctor recommended surgery and he said he wasn''t interested. I think about what if he had? It would have been hard but he would still be alive. Later I ended up watching a New Zealand documentary about people getting gastric bypass. It followed several people before the surgery but it really cover them after except quick looks of the weight loss. It worked great for all of them. They all seemed healthier and happier afterwards but it was a tv show.

I feel like if I don't do something now then I will die soon. I know that sound dramatic but I weigh 300 lbs and have for over a decade. My blood pressure is crazy and I don't have insurance to get pills to fix it and don't really want drugs to fix it anyways. What is next diabetes and sleep apnea? I feel like I at a point where my health is just going to get worse from here unless I make a change.

So here is the other thing. I just started a new job. I have been there awhile and am just switching to a full time position. I took a look at their insurance and it is actually affordable. It doesn't really fit my tight budget but it is affordable enough that I feel I really should get it with recent health issues. So I thought, well is it possible that I might be covered for a weight loss surgery? I don't have a full list of covered options yet so I don't know if even the highest plan would cover it. I did a search to see if the ins company they use cover weight loss surgeries at all and they DO. There was a whole page detailing out when it is covered and the restriction and details. It turns out I actually wouldn't qualify! I guess that is good but kind of bad too.

I am a BMI of 44.5 right now. If I was over 50 BMI with my high blood pressure I would qualify. Because I am between 40 and 50 I would need my high blood pressure and either diabetes or sleep apnea. So I am not sick enough which is good but... also disappointing.

This leaves me to do it on my own. I still have to do something because I know I can't keep going as I am for long.

Can an app help?

I spent a couple days just staring at the scans. So first the high blood pressure, that is still not down, and now with this scan I have to do something. Years ago and still my older brother and his wife lost a lot of weight and kept it off using the Lose It app. I have it on my phone and years ago I tried using but tracking everything you eat can be hard. I am at a loss of what to do and so I am going with what I know worked for my brother. I opened the Lose It app and even paid the $30 for the upgraded options. 

Throughout a lifetime of trying to loose weight I know that it all comes down to calories in and calories out. As I start logging for the first time in years I find the hardest part is adding in the bad food. When I ate a healthy breakfast, logging is no problem. Lunch was a little high but healthy so I added it no problem. Then I stumbled and ate too much with dinner and treats after. Logging it anyways is hard because I know it will make me over and turn my little numbers red. Though I assume that it is part of the deal. Not wanting to go over should encourage me not to eat that way. Though instead it makes me not want to log at all. I think it is a phycological thing feeling like a day that I go over is a failure. I think I need to try to focus on the week overall instead of individual days. 

Weight loss is such a phycological battle every day and throughout the day!

I Paid for This?

Two weeks ago I turned 36. A couple days later I went in an had a DEXA scan done. If you haven't heard of these they are a CT scan that is normally used for bone density. It helps check for osteoporosis. Besides seeing your bones it can also differentiate your muscle and fat. It gives very accurate results of your fat and lean mass. Athletes use it to see exact areas of their body to work on to improve their performance. It is becoming more common for regular people to use it so they can also see what is going on inside. 

Before I go further I want to explain how I got here. Several weeks ago I was flipping though Netflix and stumbled on a documentary called My Big Fat Body. It follows a comedian named Frank Payne. In the movie one of the things he does is the DEXA scan. I thought it was an interesting look at the body. I do not really recommend the movie. He goes on this journey learning about how unhealthy he is and he looses 60 lbs for the movie. It sounds great till you look him up and see that he put all the weight back on after the movie and died two years later. Though I guess that in itself is a wake up call. I looked up getting a DEXA scan but it looked pretty pricey at $150-$300. Not in my price range. Shortly before my birthday, while scrolling through facebook, a company called Valley Radiologists advertised for a $45 scan. I decided I wanted to try it and signed up. 

You can do a search for other images of these. Because of the way my fat rolls laid I felt that some of the image was immodest. Most pictures you can't see anything but on mine you could so I added the black lines. 

If you zoom in on the picture you can see that they break down each part of your body. One of my arms did not fit on the table so they just duplicated that number. You can see that each leg has different numbers. I have always had trouble when people ask what shape I am; apple, pear, hourglass. This has details that show that it my hips really are much bigger then my hips, well by the numbers at least. 

This is a second picture everyone receives to help understand everything. 

The other number I was interested in when I got this scan was visceral fat. As I understand it most fat is on the outside of your body but visceral fat is the fat around your organs. It is this fat that causes the real trouble squishing and constricting your organs. My est visceral fat area is 261, although it is not the top of the graph it is very very high. 

Sometimes when I think about the scan I am like "Did I really pay someone to tell me how fat I am?" Other times I am happy that I did get it to really see what is going on. One thing that really got me with this is amount of muscle you can't see. If you look at others scans, even overweight, you can see a defined muscle through the center. I am so covered in fat that the muscle isn't seen through it. Yikes!

Shopping to Avoid the Truth

I posted five days ago with a plan. A plan to exercise and to lower my blood pressure. Guess how many times I exercised in the last 5 days? That is right, none! Well unless you count walking through stores shopping.

My tax refund came, plus stress, plus I have an issue with overspending = me spending way too much money on home goods and stuff for a classroom I do not even have yet. I have been working on making my house look more adult and put together over the last year or two. It is looking amazing but there is always a few more tweaks you can do. I really wanted a canvas of a world map over my couch (currently blank.) I went to many thrift stores, discount stores, and craft stores. I wasn't falling in love with anything. I then found one on facebook market. While I was waiting for her to get back to me I then spotted a US map canvas that I loved from Hobby Lobby on OfferUp for a great price. I ended up with both. The US is going over my couch, the colors go well with what I have in there. The World is going in my bedroom, I have been collaging pictures from some of the trips I have been taking that it will go great with.

Right now I am attending WGU to get my BA in Education so I can teach at a public school. I have a million classes to finish before December but if I manage to the student teaching would start in January! That would be so exciting! That would also mean I could potentially have my own class next Spring of 2019!! That would be amazing. I am excited can you tell. Well I have been spending a lot of hours on getting through my classes. This also means I have been thinking a lot about how I want my class to run. I already have a lot of resources from 4.5 years teaching pre-k and k. I bought a few more resources off from TPT that I am excited about. I also bought some more storage for my school supplies. Everything I have is a bit chaotic. I had it mostly organized and then I quite by Kindergarten job and had to bring home a bunch of stuff that was mine from the class. That also meant that I needed to reorganize my stuff. Everything was set up for the set curriculum I used to have. So I have started organizing and sorting to fit a more public school model. I also spend way to much time following instagram teachers so I of course want all the products they have and use. Not necessarily a bad thing but it is an expensive start up. That is also why I am trying to do it slowly to build up what I have. Anyways, I don't really regret my purchases but know that in a month I may wish I didn't spend so much money.

This brings me to another crazy in my life, I am a bit crazy. I have taken Prozac for many years. I have self subscribed it and it has worked well for me. Whenever I am off from it I feel unbalanced. I feel a bit manic with crazy mood swings. That is where I can get into trouble because my lows always went very low - hence needing anti-depressants. Due to financial issues I ran out of pills. At this point I have for 7 weeks. In the last few days I have done a lot of only reading and Prozac takes 4 weeks to be out of the body completely. This means that for the last three weeks I have been Prozac free. So clearly if I am reading and posting about it something must be wrong. I noticed a couple weeks ago that I started being super weepy, over everything. The craziest things will just set me off on and I will be in tears. A couple weeks ago their was a school shooting. Totally sad, totally deserves crying over. But even now two weeks later when I see the picture of this teacher who dead protecting his class I start to cry. I just have to see his picture! Tears stream down my face uncontrollably! It is so annoying!! If it was just the hourly emotional breakdown into tears I could deal but I am also have weird angry outbursts. I was literally livid at a call center rep over something I now realize was dumb. I could not calm myself and I totally cursed the girl out. I don't curse, ever! This is also so not like me. When I was reading online is that I have to figure out if this is withdraw side effects from the extra seretonin getting to my brain or if it really is my depression. I do not want to be on Prozac because it is so expensive without insurance. I want to try to wait it out and see if I even out but how long do I wait? Nothing online seems to tell me. I am also not sure even if I went to a dr they could tell me either. It seems to be subjective to the dr and how they feel about prescribing anti-depressants.

So shopping and avoiding school work to try and forget that I have high blood pressure I don't want to deal with and a possible mental disorder that I can't afford to fix now that I have spent money on a classroom I don't even have yet. Yes, I realize I am ridiculous. I can't seem fix it though.

High Blood Pressure Worries

I have had moderately high blood pressure for years. I try to keep it in check by including exercise in my life but sometimes that falls to the bottom of my "to do" list. A recent trip to have a TB test done for work determined that my blood pressure is now in the top of Hypertension stage 2! That day at the doctors office it registered at 181/113. I was concerned, I have never seen it that high before. In fact according to the American Heart Association that would put me in a hypertensive crisis. Adding to my concern two days prior a blood vessel broke in one of my eyes. I didn't understand why till I saw this high number.

I bought a blood pressure cuff to monitor my numbers at home. I switched to whole wheat breads and have cut out some extra salty items I love to eat. (I checked my numbers before and after eating a plate of nacho's and it jumped 10 points. Not really surprising but sad.) The real problem is I have not added in exercise yet. I know that it will make a huge difference but I have not managed to get my but in gear. I think that is why I have decided to blog about it. I want to feel accountable. To log and record what I am doing. Even if no one sees it as sometimes I am afraid of comments.

I got my blood pressure cuff on January 23rd. My numbers fluctuated for the 8 days but averaged at 167/116. I knew that I could get it down and worked on what I was eating. Between the Feb 1st and the 17th I had gotten my average down to 161/107 which I think was a great improvement. The last few days I have been eating horrible. I can list excuses but that is really what they are. I crave carbs when I am stressed and I gave in to those cravings. This made my numbers jump back up to 180/123, not good.

This leads to the fact that I really need to add in exercise. It is a stress reliever and a time filler (less time sitting in front of the tv eating.) It should help strengthen my heart dropping my numbers. Now I realize that some of you, probably most of you may be questioning why I do not go to a doctor. That would be because I have no insurance. I haven't had insurance for over a decade. The cheapest option is to go to a CVS, Walgreens, Fry's Grocery clinic to see a nurse practitioner. Out of pocket they will cost my $90 per visit. Plus whatever the cost of the meds will be. There is no way I can afford this. So I get to figure it out on my own. Not that it is really hard; live a healthy lifestyle and then your body will be healthy. Imagine that. :)

So I am challenging myself to 30 min of exercise tomorrow. The weather is amazing here in Phoenix, AZ so I really want to go for a hike. I couldn't afford the $100 for beachbody on demand subscription this year but I just got a used copy of 21 Day Fix for $15 I found on the OfferUp app. 21 Day Fix is the only one I used last year when I had the subscription so this seemed like a cost effective option for right now. So 30 minutes minimum of one of these two options. Even if I go slow or have to pause the video a few times. I need to get moving!

Updated Vision Board

Last weekend I had the available time to finish my dream board. I had posted about my goals here but my board was just a draft put together. As a reminder here is the picture of the before.

First I picked up a yard of fabric from Joann's, there is always a coupon for fabric on their mobile app. I then had to go through my actual debt and write it down. I used the debt free heart and pre-printed circles. Each circle got a small post it note with the amount of current debt. I added a little purple paper that details out my debt snowball for the next year. If I work my plan then I will be able to close four credit cards by the end of 2017 paying off $4100. Okay, I hadn't calculated that till just this moment. That is a pretty significant number. That would be really really awesome! Also on the board is a monthly calendar. I printed a years worth. - As a note I wanted to go buy one but of course that would be silly and a waste of money when I have a printer, ink and the internet that has a million amazing options for free. This one I found on Pinterest by Ann Drake and you can see it here. This will help remind me of what I have due when which is something I forget sometimes. I did cover the numbers with pics for some privacy of my details but you can still see how I set it up.

I am now trying to find a good app to track my spending money. One of my biggest issues with money is spending on a daily basis. Honestly eating out is the majority of debt which is super sad. So I have a set amount for food, gas, and other that isn't too strict. So I want an app that I can just put in an amount for the month and then subtract what I have spent during the month. Something that is in my pocket so I cant just spend the money and try to figure it out later. 

So that is my current dream board.

Tattoo

When I was seventeen I decided I wanted a tattoo as soon as I turned eighteen. I was not very cool but my older sister was. I also wanted to feel very adult and do something special for my birthday. My sister had a flower on her ankle and so to follow I got a butterfly on my opposite ankle, I couldn't be exactly like her. I have never regretted my tattoo. Well, as I was getting it the pain was not fun but otherwise I have liked it. Her is the picture of it now. The colors have clearly faded a bit but I got it 16 years ago so that is expected.

For the last ten years or so I have thought about getting a new tattoo. A bible verse that has helped me get through hard times and lows of my depression was Jeremiah 29:11 - "For I know the plans I have for you" declares the Lord, "Plans to prosper, not to harm, for hope and peace." It reminds me how I am here for a purpose and the truth of God's love for me. As I made the tattoo piecing together the fonts that I liked best I decided that I wanted to switch the colon to a semi-colon. Known as a symbol to pause before suicide, a perfect addition to this tattoo. I do want to say that I am better now but still taking meds to help regulate my emotions.  My lows are something that I still have to be aware of but not something I fear as I once did. I am not sure what did it but after 10 years of thinking about it I finally got the tattoo on wrist. I love it and have had zero regret.

I do want to add as a side note about my tattoos. The size is clearly different as well as the locations. The butterfly was fully colored and I have no idea how long it took. I still remember how much I hated getting it. My sister who had come with me was concerned I would pass out and tried putting a scented something under my nose hoping to distract me. The newest tattoo is smaller and is only lines with no fill in. It took ten min at the most so pretty quick but I would swear it did not hurt as much. I think they put a numbing gel on it before the tattoo. That would have been handy 16 years ago. Though I have also lived 16 additional years and was aware of what to expect so that had to also play a part. Tattoo's aren't bad but you definitely need to be committed to your choice and think about social standards as well. This new tattoo is on my wrist but it is placed specifically to be covered by a watch or bracelets for when I am at work. 

Dreams and Goals

My brain has been thinking about many things lately. First the idea that I may not get married and what I want my life to look like if that is not an option. Second my younger brother and his wife are have a baby in May. It is exciting but it makes me think about never having kids. I will be turning 35 in four months and my life is not what I thought it would be. However that does not mean it is not good. I have had a pretty amazing life actually.

Bucket lists are so common. I started searching though Pinterest and other places for ideas of things I have always wanted to do. I pieced together a couple of long lists of ideas, printed them and started going through. Through the 550 things I had on my list many were duplicates, some I had no interest in at all. The really cool thing was all that I have done. I have traveled to third world countries, snorkeled on a coral reef and with sharks, I have been to Disneyland, Disney World and Hawaii. I have Cliff Jumped and stood on the edge of the Grand Canyon. I have been in the audience of two different late night shows and sat first row to Cirque du Soleil, one of the performers even sat on my lap. I have lived! I have truly lived!

As I looked at things I really do want to do like so much more traveling, sky diving, riding in a hot air balloon or even traveling in a limo. What I realized is I could make a long list of things I could try to check off a list but being more focused seemed wiser. I am about to be 35 but where do I want to be at 40? What goals can I set right now that will take me where I want to be at 40. Now of course being faithful in Christ I don't know where He will actually lead me but I see some steps that will be good.

So I thought of those things I have been wanting for a long time and how I can get to them in 5 years. First two to work on is traveling to Seattle and becoming a teacher. I am in school now, should actually be working on an assignment now instead of blogging. I have been trying to get to Seattle for a long time. I save some money and then it has to be used for something different. Longer term goals I want to move out of my dad's house and into a nice 2 bedroom apt. I love living where I am at but I can't stay in my dad's house forever. I once owned a house and I think of doing it again but I really don't want to deal with a yard. So things are a bit of give in take when I consider that. The other long term idea is traveling to Ireland, Scotland and England. This is a much more expensive endeavor but maybe for my 40th b-day.

The last thing I am continually working on is paying off my debt. I suck at following a budget and get myself in trouble all the time. So I am adding that onto the list because it will help with at least three of the four goals.

So it is not very fancy right now. I want to get some cloth to make it look nice instead of the cork. But this will do for now. On the bottom I want to add on the monthly calendar so I can see what is going on and when things are due.

Happy Thanksgiving!

I love having a few extra days off work. A day when I wake up and not have to get out of bed is a very lovely day indeed. I started my day pretty lazy but I am determined to catch up on homework so I work on one of my assignments to turn in. After submitting Task 1 for my World History class. I am want to get two more assignments done before Tuesday when I meet with my student mentor again. It will catch me up on the 3 weeks of school work I didn't do. The cool thing about this school is that I pay a single fee for the half year. So I can do my scheduled four classes or if I work hard I can get a fifth class done for the same price. It is a pretty awesome opportunity if I take advantage of it.

My family includes my dad, my sister, two brothers and me. We all live here in AZ around the valley but we do not always see each other with the business of life. Like many families we have many differing opinions about things, especially the recent election. I was a little nervous about today but I think it was a great day! Lunch was great and great conversations. My eldest nephew is dating a girl and I haven't had much of a chance to spend time with her. It was great getting to know her and really spending time with my family. It was a lovely day.

Every year I go out shopping for black Friday. I have previous posts about it if you want to look for them. This year was no different. This time I went out to get a Roku 3 devise. It was a pretty awesome deal normally $100 I got it for $50. I also had a chance to pick up a few of the movies I wanted on sale. I watch a lot of Netflix normally streaming through my computer hooked up to my tv. This can be annoying, especially when I want to blog here. The Roku devise lets me watch Netflix, currently watching PrisonBreak, while I do other things.

Tomorrow I will pick up a couple other things. Petsmart for some hamster bedding and maybe Home Depot for a child size cardboard gingerbread house for my classroom. I love that deals are online now. You can pre-think through deals and how you best want to spend your money. My brothers are also really good about purchasing all of the deals online to avoid the crowds.

I pray that your Thanksgiving went as mine.

A Busy Schedule

After I wrote my last post I was good for a bit and then got a bit depressed. It can be hard to think about the possibility that I won't marry and that I won't have my own kids. I made it through my low and then I have been super busy.

At work things are crazy during this season. On top of teaching and conferences we have special events each week. They are fun but they take extra planning and take from learning times. In addition to work stuff I am working on my BA in Elementary Education at Western Governors University. It is an online college that lets me get all of my assignments done after work.

Each day after work my schedule is full of errands, working on lesson plans and making my way through course. Right now I am just starting my third history class in a row. It seemed like a good idea but working on this third class I kind of regret it. Though when I am done in 5 weeks history classes will be complete. That will be super awesome.

****

Last night was my friends Colleen and Alec's wedding. It was beautiful and lots of fun. My second trip to Belize Colleen came along. We also drove to Mexico and back which included a flat tire on the way home. It has been awesome watching her relationship grow with Alec. They are a super cute couple and it was totally reflective in the wedding. I am so excited for them!

Only days of work and then a four day weekend!!

The Christian College Age Phase

In the Christian world you are not just dating but looking for a spouse. It is what you aim for and the reason you date. Sex is held back like a prize for those who find their winning match. So in the Christian community relationships are not long term and from engagement to wedding it is very quick. This often happens young. Shortly after high school or as you finish college.

Let me be clear I do not think there is anything wrong with it. I have seen amazing relationships blossom and grow in the church. Sometimes people rush to fast but they have the church to help hold them up as they work through growth and change.

I have had a weird experience in my life. After the second time it happened I thought "weird." Now it has happened a third time and I can't help but just laugh with God. When I was a teenager I went to NPBC. It was a pretty big church and I grew up with these people, these friends. We entered college and joined a new group, more friends. Slowly over time friends got engaged and married. I watched them go through the process, talked with them and heard about all the details. Slowly the college group changed because the friends I used to have in the group were now married and had moved on to other church classes/groups. I understood but also felt out of place.

Life moved on and so did I. I stopped going to church for a time and then found my way to a new church, HBC. It was a much smaller church but I felt confident God had called me there. Feeling too 'old' for a college group (I was probably 20 but it was post my mom dying) I found a different small group to join. But it was a small church and so the group was 4-5 people plus the two leaders. After not very long it was the leaders, me and a couple that would shortly be engaged and get married. The group fell apart but I still had a place at the church by connecting with the college group. They were a few years younger then I but I was okay with that. They were/are great people. But as it goes over time they connected with someone, they got engaged and most switched to other church's for a bigger young married group. I was again left alone. I watched as now two completely different groups of friends were able to find "their one" "their connection." I had prospects along the way but nothing had stuck.

Years later I was drawn to a new church LSC. This church was a large church again with a big diversity of people. I again, like the others before, engaged with the church. Regularly attending and becoming involved by serving the community at the church. For the first two years I joined a small group, new all of the pastors on first name basis and many of the very large congregation. Three years ago I felt the tug on my heart to help the college group. They were looking for mentors and I felt God tell me to go help. I wasn't sure at first and even asked friends what they thought. See I had already done college group. In fact I had done college group twice. I was obedient and over the last three years it has been an awesome and amazing experience. I camp now and hike two things I had no idea I would enjoy. I love the connections to the people I have met through the college group. However I sit here tonight after going to a bridal shower. I sat at a table looking around at my friends who over the last couple years I have watched get married or engaged and are looking toward that next step. I am again giving advice about wedding planning and marriage even though I have yet to experience it.  I can tell you wedding etiquette and shower expectations. I can listen and talk about marriage and kids because I have heard it before, I have done this before.

Please know that I LOVE these girls!! I really do and I am so over the moon for them. I really truly am. The same is true for the girls at NPBC or HBC I still talk and hang out with some of them. I 'like' all their kids photos on Facebook and am excited when they announce the next exciting their life. Because they are my friends and married or not they remain that way.

I just find it an odd position. To be so very very single and to watch for 16 years dozens of friends get married. To watch those closest to me have this experience that I may never have. It is just weird that as much as I know I would hate having a shower with attention on me I miss the fact that I may never have one.

#totallysingle #dontjudgesingles #rathernorelationshipthenabadrelationship

Sharing a Little of My Life Again

It has been forever since I posted here but sometimes I think about posting something. As one goes through you experience many things and sometimes I just want to share it with the world. Let the world know that this is how I feel or that they are not alone in their feelings. Though sometimes I want to post just to whine about annoying people. Posting can be dangerous. My real name is on here and I am a teacher which means a parent may come across this blog. I have always been open and honest about my life, confident in my choices. Settled in the idea that if you are ashamed of what you are doing then you shouldn't do it. As a teacher it gets a little tricky. A parent can take something out of context or not approve of something in my life. So I may, going forward, be careful of my words. However my past remains unedited free for you to read and judge because I am who I am.

Always Something New

If you have been reading my blog for awhile you know I am on the very long journey of no longer being plus size. Being healthy, active and have a wider selection of clothes to choose from. This spring I started hiking. It has been a lot of fun and I really enjoy spending time hiking though now that it is a million degrees outside here in Phoenix I have not been hiking very often. I wish I was a morning person so I could go out before it got to hot but I just can't convince myself to get up that early in the morning.

In addition to this I have started using "It Works" products. A friend of mine started selling it and posting about the products on Facebook. Their main product is a wrap that supposedly shrinks your fat cells causing you to loose inches with a results that last 4-6 months. They have several other products as well.  It is hard to find accurate information online about the products because the program is a pyramid sales program like Mary Kay, Herbalife, or Avon. So the internet is full of people trying to sell the products which then makes real reviews hidden. As note, if you have found this blog, I do not sell the products I am simply trying them out. I am currently on day 22 of a 90 program that allows me to try out several of their products. I am blogging about them to create a real untampered review of the products.

The 90 day program I selected starts the first 30 days with cleanse using multi-vitamins, greens, and a cleanse product called regular. The next 30 days is about lose where I will use greens, fat fighter, and thermofit. The last 30 days is tighten where I continue with greens and finally use the ultimate body applicator (wrap) and defining gel.

Right now, as I said before, I am on day 22 so I can only review the three products I have used for month one.

1. It's Vital Core Nutrition - A multi-vitamin
       - 1 bottle lasts 30 days with you taking 3 pills each morning. You can view the ingredients on the web site. It seems like it is a basic multi-vitamin with a few extra things added. I don't feel a difference compared to my previous multi but the site states that it has things to help with metabolism, I do not know if this is true.

2. Greens
      - Greens come in either berry or orange flavor. I selected berry flavor and since I committed to 90 days I bought the large container of greens. You can either by 1 month worth or 3 months worth at a discounted rate. This is a powder that comes with a small scoop. You use two small scoops of the greens and mix it with a liquid. I have been adding it in my morning protein shake. It takes a few days to get used to the flavor but now I don't notice it anymore.
      - The greens have many supplements in them including green tea. I was worried that I might get shaky from this product as many other supplements cause my heart to race and I get shaking. Luckily this did not happen and I feel fine after drinking it. I have missed a couple days due to time in the morning and so I try to think about if I feel a difference. I would say that it does make me feel clearer for the day and a little less sluggish. I also recently heard that it can help with my lactose intolerance issues. I tested it out a little bit and I would say that this is true. If I eat a lot of dairy I can get very gassy but this has not happened when eating dairy over the last week which is pretty awesome.

3. Regular
    - This does exactly what you think it would, helps clean out your colon. A bottle is 30 days worth with taking 2 pills each night. I alternated between 1 and 2 pills each day. Either way they both worked well clearing out my body just like a cleanse should. No bad side affects. That is until I reached about day 18. I noticed that my stools were getting looser and it was sometimes painful to go to the bathroom. So of course I have stopped taking it and there are no more issues. I don't know if maybe it just finished what it needed to or what but I would say it worked well. I will keep the remaining bottle to potentially use again in the future.


Next month is about loosing weight. I will continue on the greens which works just fine with my morning protein shake. As note I am using the chocolate Ideal Shakes I had previously bought not long ago. They fast great and help me stay full all morning. In addition I will start taking Thermofit which should help increase matabolism and decrease appetite. With this I am again hoping I will not get the shakes. I will also start using Fat Fighters. This product is to be taking after a large meal or after eating a lot of carbs. It is supposed to help move the bad fats out of your body instead of absorbing them.

One other note is that I am going off from the 90 day plan and I am also getting a package of the wraps. I have decided I would like to try the wraps first on my arms. I hate my 'bat wings' and would love to tighten my upper arms. So I will try those out and see how and if they work soon. I think that is it for now I will post again next month.

Upcoming Birthday

This year I am feeling old. I usually don't mind my age. I have lived each year learning and growing from the year before. Unlike most women I don't mind telling people my age. I have lived these years, why hide them? This year I will be turning 32 and for some reason it is really getting to me. It feels so…old.

I have thought about it. Why this year? What is different? It may be the time I am spending with college and 20's age people. Compared to these 18-26 year old's 32 seems so far off. I have also noticed the wrinkles around my eyes begin to appear and the greying hair of a friend my age. I think about the fact that I still have no boyfriend making me at least 2 years from marriage and at least 3 years from having a child. Although 35 is not too old have a child, it is getting very close to the too old to have a child age.

I have started to think about what I haven't done. I haven't lost the weight I had been hoping to for so many years. I have traveled some but not like I really wanted to when I was younger. I wonder if I have been adventurous enough, explored enough, been a witness for Christ often enough?

In the last couple weeks I have started hiking. It is nice to get out of the house and just hike. It clears my mind, gives me time to work thoughts through, and most important time with God. I realized this week there is a mountain less then 5 minutes from my house. How have I not realized this before? How did I miss before how beneficial hiking is for me both mentally and physically. So much better then hours and hours in front of the television.

It is said that we can only move forward. I can not change what I have missed out on or what has passed me by. Instead I have today and then tomorrow to take new steps on the path I desire.

Oh, and what will I do for my birthday? My birthday is Wed the 12th. On Fri the 14th - Sun the 16th I am going on a mission trip to Mexico with my church. We will serve in a variety of ways and I will pour out love on the children of Rocky Point.

Bible Study

Back in September I started to volunteer for the college group at my church. It is called Refinery and meets every Sunday night. It was a small commitment with no real direction. I seem to have found my spot making new comers feel welcome, getting to know them and not let them sit alone. It actually surprised me at how well I do this and how comfortable I feel doing it. See I am generally an introvert and I am not one to go greet new people. I stay in the corner and keep to my self generally. However God, as always, knew what He was doing. See I know what it is like to stand in a corner. To want to go to an activity but simultaneously to not feel alone or overwhelmed by people. I watch people and see their mannerisms and can see how they are feeling through their actions. So I reach out to people the way, hopefully, they need it best. I can truly only do this with God's help each time. 

It didn't take long to get invited to the actual leader meetings and get further involved. They also meet for game nights on Thursdays. I have a bible study that night so I often miss but over winter break I was able to go to about 6 of them. I loved just hanging out and inviting people to join us each week. I went camping for the first time with this group and will hopefully be going to Mexico with several of them in March. 

One of the other leaders has been doing a bible study for women each week. She had casually invited me but I never made it. It has been on my heart to see about joining her at the end of January when she started a new group for the new semester. She contacted me first. She was starting  co-ed group and was wondering if I would start my own woman's group to fill the hole. It is one of those things, clearly it was on my mind already placed by God. But I have never run a bible study before. What if I do it wrong? What if I don't have the right answers? 

I continued to pray about it. Friday the Refinery bible studies randomly came up in conversation with a close friend. I mentioned the opportunity and my concerns and they were a total encouragement to go for it. Their confidence was so supportive. It again, a half hour later, randomly came up in conversation to the Refinery's Pastor's wife, she is a friend but I just wanted to clarify who. Now here we are 4 days later and we have a day, time, place, and topic all planned. She is going to help me since I am feeling a little less then confident and I don't really mind. 

The plan for the content is to expand on what the Pastor teaches on Sunday night. This is the biggest thing I am thinking about at this point. I want to make sure I am not misrepresenting what Luke talks about. He is a powerful speaker and God has blessed Luke with this amazing gift. It's again weird because I know that that is what I should be teaching on but at the same time it worries me. I know the answer is to make sure that I am in the Word and in prayer listening. I believe God wants me to do this and now I need to trust and listen. 

Some Days

Some days, like today, I wish there was arranged marriages. Not that I believe my parents would have actually found a great guy for me but I am seriously bad at finding relationships on my own. I am 31, nearly 32 and I am single. I have always been single. This is not to say I have never loved. There was a guy I loved once but he chose someone else. It was painful and complicated and I wasn't able let him go emotionally until I saw his wedding pictures. Then I promptly removed him as a Facebook friend.

I am hopeless at flirting. I don't know how to do it or I do it wrong; I don't know. There is this guy right now I am interested in and I think he might be interested in me. I haven't seen him in a week and I miss hanging out with him. I knew I would see him today and I was so excited. So excited in fact that I lost all of my words and passed by him without even saying hello. What is wrong with me?! What I wanted to do, what I should have done is placed my hand on his arm, looked him in the eyes and said hi. Instead I over think and I think about the other people present and what if I am wrong and he will think I am crazy. See, I swear I will be single forever. God better be sending me a man that take charge of the relationship because otherwise I am up a creek without a paddle.