Pain and Faith

I don't understand, and honestly I hope I never have to. I don't understand what it feels like to have your children half way across the country from you . How it feels when you have to drive them to the airport and put them on a plane where your ex/their other parent is going to pick them up. And I certainly don't know what is like for the children.

My sister has 5 children; 3 she gave birth to and 2 that her 2nd husband brought to the family. I love all five the same and all of them are amazing kids. I have been watching Justice and Isaiah for at least 20 hours a week since they flew into phoenix in mid-June. Today they flew back to Illinois where they live with there mother for the school year.

I knew this last weekend was my last with them. Normally we don't do anything exciting; I am always broke and it is too hot outside so we just hang out inside the house. But they were leaving so I kind of wanted a little different. They hate me because I always make them eat sandwiches for lunch (I still haven't figured out what they eat the rest of the week) but sandwiches they hate. So on Sunday after church we went to McDonalds and I let them play in the playplace for a half hour, which of course was not enough. But Tirso is too young for it and he was getting antsy seeing them play and he couldn't, so it was time to go.

I had brought my camera along, I wanted to take some pictures before they left. So between watching Mr Magoriams Wonder Emporium and playing on the computer I took over 150 shots. Its digital and I always prefer more to less plus the kids love posing and making funny faces. After every shot they run over to see how it looks. We were having a great time, dancing to music and having fun. By the evening when we were all tired of posing, and the camera battery was about dead as well. I notice that Justice is sad. I know she is leaving in 2 days and I can only imagine what is going on in her head. Sad she hasn't seen her mom in 3 months, sad to be leaving dad, just sad. I know there is nothing I can say to make anything better and so I just sit with her.

On monday night I finally get around to plugging in the camera to go through the photo's. As I go through them enhancing, getting rid of red eye, and rotating I notice something. I can see it now only with the photo's I have captured of those moments. I think back and I don't remember seeing this and wonder how I missed it. But in many photo's I see that her eyes are red and she is fighting back tears. I see the photo's and they make me want to cry. I love her so much, I hate to see her in this pain. I feel so bad I delete the photo's because these moments I have captured are no ones to see. They are private and painful. Even this post I worry is too much information.

I have learned not to and so I try not to ask "why." Why God would allow such pain for a child. I think it is the pain I myself suffered as a child as to why I take such offense to even a child in a movie being harmed. I know and trust that God will not give this child more that she can handle. That he is simply preparing her and strengthening her for the future he has in store for her. But right now as she has to change her life again I know that she is pain and all I can do is pray. Pray for her and her brother, for her parents, and for the new parents and siblings that also are part of this. And then I just praise the Lord for being blessed to know these two amazing and beautiful children.

I miss church

I go to church twice a week and yet I miss it. On wed I work with the kids program, I have for years so that is pretty normal. It has been a little extra stressful for the summer but only few weeks left and then back to actual normal.

The difference is sunday mornings. Normally I have bible study and then go to service. I normally help out once a month in nursery once a month. For the summer a couple of the teachers were taking vacation and they needed someone to help out during sunday school hour in nursery and toddlers. So on the 5th I was in nursery, that week I found out that my nephew screams the hole time in nursery so during service my mind was elsewhere. Then on the 12th I was in toddlers, service was good that day. I was going to go back to class on the 19th but my nephew got sick so we stayed home. Then last week on the 26th I helped in toddlers again, however I was feeling sick the whole time and went home instead of to service. This week I am supposed to go back to class again but now I have a cold, a cold I probably spread to my niece and nephews which will make them contagious tomorrow. I think it will depend on how I feel and if the drugs I bought will work. I had realized that last night, that I might again not make it to church. It feels like satan is attacking me.

But even before that I was distracted. I don't know how parents can concentrate during class. With Tirso screaming the whole time, and Isaiah won't listen to anyone, and Justice I don't worry about unless Garrett's around and then I worry that they will start fighting or ditch or something annoying. The eldest is no problem, he doesn't like it but isn't as whiny as the others. Don't get me wrong I love them all and I am glad they are learning stuff at church. But I miss learning stuff. It was only a month so I am kind of surprised that I feel so distant. But maybe I should sit and read my bible instead of sit here blog about this.