About Me

Hi, my name is Angela and welcome to my blog. This is a place where I write about my life in an honest and open way.

I am 34 years old, single, and a Christian. God gave me a heart to work with children and so I spend my day teaching kindergarten. It is my fourth year teaching and although it is hard I love it. I currently go to a college for my BA in Elementary Education which keeps me busy. Between work and school there is not much time left but I enjoy serving and helping others, watching netflix, or reading a good book.


Monday, February 27, 2012

The Cost

Sometimes I can not believe the cost of things. A friend and I have been talking about staying at a hotel just somewhere in Phoenix to get away for a day. Me to celebrate my birthday and her to have a night away from the hubby, 3 year old, and new puppy. I have been looking at the cost of hotels and it always seems crazy how expensive they are. Hundreds of dollars for one night in a hotel. I saw one room, ok it was a two room suite for over $1100! Do people really spend that? That is more than I make in a month. I am hoping to stay under $100 and so I am shopping around. I have always had luck with Priceline negotiator. So I think I can get one in north Scottsdale for $100 so I just need to make sure my friend is thinking the same price range since we are splitting it.

One hotel, ok it is a resort, is the JW Marriott. I babysat at that hotel once and they have to have over 2000 rooms there. The lowest price room is $500 and goes up from there. The night I was there was over a holiday weekend and the place was packed. That is a lot of money just from the rooms. Then of course it is a resort with a golf, multiple restraints and bars, and a spa. Plus being right next to Desert Ridge I am sure they are always busy. It just seems like so much money.

So if anyone wants to join us for a girl night on the night of Friday March 23rd let me know. Should be lots of fun!

***

Yesterday went great. I was so frustrated Saturday night and yet there was nothing I could do about it at that point. After church Sunday it took me several hours to end my paper and have my sil help edit it and then do the assignments for my early childhood class. I definitely had not done enough work through out the week to finish on time. I have made a plan for this week. I need to stick with it. I know that my essay needs a lot more work before I turn in the final draft this week. Plus I have to start working on a final project for my English class. I hope to get ahead in my early childhood class as well. Next week is the week that my classes overlap and I have three classes all at once. Next week is the last week of my English class and the first week of a second early childhood class.but the first week is never very hard. Usually just agreeing to the syllabus. But I don't want to get overwhelmed so time management this week is very important.

I also need to work on my food. I seem to be consuming a lot of calories but they have no nutritional value. So then I end up feel weak and tired. Sometimes a little dizzy. So the goal this week is to make sure that each meal has some kind of nutritional value in it. Because it turns out that 1000 calories of lemonade may be filling but not really what my body wants.

Speaking of it is my lunch time so I am going to go find something to eat.

Sunday, February 26, 2012

This is why...

This is why I fail. This is why I have dropped out of school four times before. This is why.

Because I spent a week being afraid of a 10 page paper. Because I don't finish the outline till 7pm on the night it is due. Because I then have four hours to write the research paper, have some read it, answer 15 ridiculously long questions, then write two paragraph response to their answers all before midnight. Because I thought that I would get points for doing the rough draft when it turns out I get no points for the rough draft I only get points for the questions answered and my response. Because i don't realize this until 11:30 at night after I have spent 3 1/2 hours working on the essay. And most of all because I am so stressed about the stupid rough draft that I couldn't finish in time that I forget completely about the 3 assignments due my other class. One of which I finished and just never submitted. And of course I do not remember that I even have another class let along that I have assignments due until 12:02! Great! Fabulous! So now I can fail two classes at once! This is why I don't do school. This is why I fail at life!

There is no point in staying up later trying to finish them. Turning them in in an hour won't make them any more on time then turning them in tomorrow afternoon. Plus I have church in the morning. I don't know how I will wake up in six hours but i have to do it, I have a commitment. Especially since I just wasted the last four hours of my life for no reason!

I hate school. Why did I start again? I can't seem to remember right now. All I know is that my 8-10 page essay is only five pages right now. Oh yeah and it is all total junk. I will probably have to scrap most of it tomorrow when I read through it. I can't seem to do anything right right now. Sixteen days till I turn 30 and I have nothing show for my life.




Morning Update: In the light of morning of course I realize how crazy this post is. All of the frustrations and feeling were deffinitly real and the fact that I used no curse words is the post is actually surprising. Now that I have slept a little, I am about to run off to church, I know that of course it is not the end of the world. I have made a semi plan for today to get my assignments done and turned in tonight. One day late will loose some points but my grades do not hinge on these few assignments. I do not apologize for my frustrations only am only explaining that they did not last very long.

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Wednesday Post

I am behind on my school work. I really need to be working on my stuff. I can't seem to figure out how to write my early childhood assignment. I keep trying and just keep blanking. I don't seem to get anything written. I also have a ten page research paper coming up and the full sentence outline is due this saturday. I feel so confused on how a paper is supposed to be so long. That just seems huge to me. Everyone points out how I wrote 50K words for Nanowrimo but that was different. I am supposed to have topic sentences and stuff. I am trying to work my way through and take it one logical step at a time. I am just not sure that I will get there in time.

 Sometimes when I am at home I can not seem to concentrate. There is no good reason I can't get myself to focus on what I need to be doing. I have been trying to go out of the house going to coffee shops and Denny's but that is expensive.
.
...ok I have to stop blogging now. My computer is going crazy and keeps trying to delete things. It may be because I am sitting in the cold but I think it is just dying on me. I can not have my computer die on my right now. Ergghh!!


Ok let's try this again. I am back home in a nice warm house. I was sitting outside a coffee shop that had closed. I was trying to finish my early childhood assignment before I went home. I did manage to do that. Being cold seemed to help me figure it out. I will re-read it before I send it to make sure that it sounds reasonable, who knows with my computer being crazy. It kept deleting things. Like the entire paragraph would just highlight and delete. I think there is a problem with my mouse button. I think I my thumb may have been brushing against the mousepad and if the button was pressed down then it would count as a double click and then the paragraph would highlight. I am not sure how to get that fixed. Ever since the mac geniuses changed my macbook top (there was ink on it and I was still under warranty) the mouse has been having problems. It doesn't really click right. That was years ago so I can't really fix it now.

Well it is getting late so I think I will go to bed. Tomorrow is a new day and I need to get some more work done on my essay.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

A Better Day

I have a little time before I run off to work so I thought I should take a minute and update you. You saw in my last post where after a really long and hard day I got in a car accident. I attempted to stop but did not make it in time (I am going to go have my breaks checked as there should have been plenty of time.) But we hit. I felt, he felt it, we both pulled over. His car had one small scratch and my car was just fine. He wasn't worried about a scratch and so we parted ways. This was my turning point.

Over the last few weeks God has been taking care of me. Something will happen, will call it A, it is frustrating and difficult and emotion causing event. But right away God steps in with B, a solution to take of me in the moment. For the last three weeks this has happened over and over. My choices cause A to happen and then God steps in with B. I knew it was happening and yet I let myself be swept up in A. Even though it had already been taken care of I still had an emotional fall out from the original incident. Part of me knew it wasn't rational and yet my emotions, fears, and anxieties did not let my rational side come out. Then there was a car accident. I shouldn't have been out. I should have been at my Friday night bible study. Instead I went to Zia's and bought Breaking Dawn part 1, the new Twilight movie. Even though my previous post implies it I was not crying at the time. I was just driving home. The last time I rear-ended someone I totaled my car. This time nothing. I felt like God stuck his hand in the way making sure nothing happened. Rationally of course you could say I just wasn't going very fast at the impact and that accidents like this happen all the time. But when both of us got out we were both shocked that it wasn't more, it felt like more should have happened.

Since then I have felt different. Not numb but not the surge of emotions that were running through my body the last three weeks. I am still dealing with the effects from this. I am still short tempered and my words sometimes bite. I am not my old smiling self and keep catching myself saying curse words. I had pushed away God and let the emotions of my flesh in and with it came the bad habits that I do not desire. I try to stay quiet and am careful of my words. I continue to pray about this but know it will take time.

I mentioned to a friend at church about my lawsuit and possible bankruptcy. Her husband knows a bit about such things and so he is trying to help however he can. I think I have determined that I should still wait. That I should do nothing right now. He found something that states that because I make so little they may not garnish my wages at all. I also found that after the judgement, if they do garnish my wages, I can still declare bankruptcy at that point. My friend also helped and thinks that even without paying rent I should be able to file a chapter seven. I still know that is a maybe but knowing that if I need it I might be able to then that is good. The worst part is that to garnish wages they have to send paperwork to my employer, which is embarrassing. Nothing stays secret at a school. The secretary would see it, then the girl who should handle it, but she is new and I don't know is she will know what to do so then she will go to someone else that is trying to help her through. (Deep Breath) It's not like I am keeping this a secret. If anyone cared I would tell them, in fact my boss/friend knows already. So I will just keep praying and seeking guidance for what step God wants me to take next.

Today I exercised. I did a Firm workout video for 25 min. I am also watching my calories as well. I want to try to eat all vegan today, which I know is weird since society says today is fat tuesday and I should be glutinous today. But I am not Catholic so I say, no lent, no fat tuesday. :) At least for me. Well now I have to run off to work. Ta Ta for Now!

Saturday, February 18, 2012

Poem for Yesterday

Self implode
day of tears
yes I bite...today

Pressure mounts
more confusion,
frustration, and aggravation

I see His hand
He makes it ok
with His timing
but it still hurts

Drive away
tears do fall
breaks squeal
CRASH
we bumped and yet not a scratch
Only God to thank

All this pain
All this fear
but He holds me so dear

I cry to Him to take me Home
to much pain
to much fear
He still hold me dear

His Love
His Comfort
He will get me through

He is doing his part
Now it is time to do mine

Friday, February 17, 2012

4 Days Off

For President's Day the school I work for gives four days off. So I have tomorrow and Monday off. My goal is to not waste this time. I would hate to wake up Tuesday and feel like I have done nothing all weekend. It has happened before but not this time. 

Things I Should Do:
1. Finish proof-reading my brothers books
2. Work on the two homework assignments I have been ignoring all week
3. Sam's club - milk, toilet paper, and the newest 39 Clues book
4. Laundry!
5. Go through edits for my novel (from my wed night edit group)

Pre-planned Activites
1. Friday night bible study
2. Sat afternoon edit-in group
3. Sat night service
4. Sun morning church
5. Sun evening deluge (a new interactive art event at my church)

Things Not to do
1. Spend the entire weekend emptying my hulu queue (28 items)
...um, I think that is it.

There are other things I could do. Like my brother has a couple movies from Netflix I want to watch and I want to stop by Home Depot to pick up a couple things. Oh, yeah and Michaels too. But none of that makes my top five. 

So if you have a few days off too I hope that you find them productive as well!

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Poem for Today

Holding on
tight, tight, tight
knuckles white

Flat tire
late for work
tears want to roll
can't let them start

Payed too much
honest Angela
can't help but come clean

Waiting for
a judge to say
"you must pay"
wrong check won't mislead, I pray

Wednesday group
lots of friends
get together and tell me what I bad writer I am
say it's with love but too hurt to hear
I try to imagine what it used to be like
before I was holding on so tight

Another day
another week
I feel so gray
I feel so weak

Trust He is there
thank Him through the pain
hold tight to my faith
hold tight to His promise of grace

Friends can see it
can't hide it anymore
to tired to care
all that I bare

Praying for peace
praying for relief
will this just cease
these moments of grief

Comfort will come
the good book says
in His right timing
in His perfect grace

And so I will wait
through this difficult storm
to the other side
where I will safe, dry and warm


Sunday, February 12, 2012

One Week of Feeling Weak

My mom did not believe in bankruptcy. She always said that she made the debt, she needs to pay the debt. She said it wasn't just the right thing to do but the Christian thing to do. And so I accepted this idea, because it made sense and she was my mom. When a family member declared bankruptcy this idea came back to me. I understood why she did and am all about the fact that I don't know what you are going through so I can't judge your actions. But here I am facing this same decision and it makes me sick. Literally all week long I have been anxious, can't sleep, can't focus, cry for no reason, and ate horrible food all week long. Some moments I don't know how I got here and then the next remember my stupid mistakes. The choices I shouldn't have made.

This week I realized what a lier I am. People always ask "how are you?" "what's going on?" But do I ever say bad, horrible, awful? No, I say I am good. Sometimes I say I am alright and the person doesn't even question it. Because people don't ask because they care, it's just what people say. Last Sunday a pastor at the church asked me how my week was. I responded it was ok. He said "Really? God put you on my heart to pray for you." I pause for a moment, remind myself this is a pastor, a really nice guy, and say "Actually I am being sued because I foreclosed on my house this year so I am being sued for the second mortgage on it. So it has been a pretty tough week dealing with that." His response? "Oh, well remember God loves you." and then walked away.  Really!? That is your advise. Not lets pray or is there anyway the church can help. "God loves you." Golly gee I knew that. If I didn't I would killed myself by now. Dumb.

I have been avoiding calling my dad to talk to him about this. I needed to ask him if it was ok if in my bankruptcy I said I paid rent. I finally called tonight. Turns out dad doesn't think I should file bankruptcy. He thinks I should just wait for them to start taking money out of my check before I make a decision. I explain to him that I am about $100 short every month so i have $0 to pay towards this debt. His response, "I don't know. You should probably still just wait." Great. I will just sit on my hands hoping that they don't take my entire check one week causing all of my bills to go past due. You won't mind when I can't pay the cell phone bill and phone gets shut off when that happens right!

Ok, clearly I am frustrated. There is no right answer. I have mulled this over for a week and I still do not know what to do. I pray and pray and see no clear answer from God. He just asked me to stop taking jobs on the two most popular nights (I already turned down a job for last night.) And now what? What am I supposed to do?

As I said in my last post this self destruction is not helping at all. So today I made some plans. I have an exercise plan for the next 30 days. I added two trackers on the left of the blog one counting down the 30 days and one for my weight loss goal. I also made a plan for this week's school work. I don't want to run behind again and so planning it out makes the most sense. Maybe if I put some control in my life I will feel a little less frustrated by what I can not control. Probably not but it is worth a try. All I really know is that Friday at work I yelled at the kids. Like really yelled at the kids. I can't do that ever again. I still feel guilty about it. Maybe working in some warehouse by myself would be the best idea. I would make more money not yell at innocent kids. It would be my way of curling up in a corner and hiding from the world.

Old Ways = Not Good

I have slipped into my old ways. I have had meat and dairy every day this week. The thoughts of the being sued and bankruptcy is too much and i am feeling overwhelmed. As I mentioned in my last blog I also didn't realize I had two big assignments due this week. Together they are twenty percent of my grade. I bucked down and got one done but the other I just didn't want to. The essay seemed pointless and a waste of time since I know she doesn't even read them she just let's turnitin.com grade the paper for her. I managed to waste six hours doing nothing this afternoon instead of writing. After church, knowing I had a deadline, I went to Denny's. I was slightly distracted as my brother was there but I pushed through and got it done. Now it wasn't as long as it should be. She wanted 4-6 pages and I gave her three and a half. And because of my last minute completion neither assignment was checked by one of the many english teachers or writers in my life.

I fell just bleh. My stomach hurts all the time. I eat too much or bad foods. My living room is a mess and I am totally not sleeping very well. (It is currently 12:47 am.) I did file both my federal and state taxes this week. So in a couple weeks I will have some money. Though it is going to tithe, filing bankruptcy, airline ticket to see nephew graduate, and the rest in savings for summer school. I don't even have it yet and it all already has a plan. Though that is a good thing. You do not want to know how much money I spent on food this week. I forget how expensive restaurants and fast food places are. Lets just say only through God's mercy have I not bounced anything yet.

I want to get a hold of myself. Go back to vegan, I felt better then, less sluggish. Clean my living room so I have a clean environment to live in. I need to make a schedule for my school work on Sunday's so I know what I need to get done during the week. I also want to start exercising again. I have decided to pull out one of my old sets of video's The Firm. I bought their stuff years ago with this "Fanny Lifter" It two steps that together are sixteen inches, so a really fanny lifter. I found one of the old informertials to help get me excited about it again. Of course part of me wants to by their newest system but I know that this old one will work just fine.

So that is what is up with me. I better head to bed because I have church tomorrow. Six hours of sleep is plenty, right?

Thursday, February 9, 2012

5 Truths

1. When faced with the choice of vegan or not vegan my body wants vegan and it is my mind wants everything else. Throughout the day I go back and forth in a battle of what is good for me vs. what satisfies right now.

2. Last night I had a diet coke for the first time in forty days. It tasted disgusting and threw it away after the first few sips.

3. I am attempting to file bankruptcy. Which should make life a little easier though I don't know how I will pay for the initial filing fees yet.

4. I have spent two day so focused on bankruptcy information that I didn't realize that I have two big assignments for english due this Saturday. I realized last night at my writing group when everyone was asking me how school was going. (Thanks friends!) I am not too worried though, I will still just do my best on both.

5. Finding my job stressful right now. Again due to co-workers not kids. Hoping it starts getting better and not any worse.

Saturday, February 4, 2012

Shifting Sand

As my roller coaster of emotions starts going down hill I try to grab on to my comforts to keep me safe. But my comforts include binge eating and not on vegan foods. A week ago I told you about two financial blows. One was my financial aid, this got taken care of and I now don't owe the money school for the classes I am taking. The other is that I am being sued for the equity loan I took out on my house back in '06. A house that I foreclosed on in August. I contacted the supreme court and they said that I have twenty days to write a written response. I then take it down to the court clerk and pay $223 to have it filed. As if I just had $223 just lying around to file this. The whole thing is so frustrating. When I looked up info on this written response thing the internet agrees that you file a written response if you disagree with what you are being charged. If you do not make a written response then the judge will make ruling with no evidence from me. The problem is the judge can have my wages garnished. I only make $900 a month and I owe $16,000 plus whatever fees for filing the suit. So I want to file a written response so that I can explain that I am not paying because I don't have the money to do so. I want to show them how I don't make enough money to pay the bills I currently have and can not afford a new one. But what if they don't care. What if the judge will say, well you are guilty and just garnishing some random amount from my check. Was it worth the $223 to file the written response? I feel like I am am gambling with $223 and I don't gamble! From what I last heard I can file bankruptcy for around $300 and then I can get rid of some of the other debts I am trying to pay off too. Someone recommend I check into legal aid for free legal advise but looking online I am not sure that a civil suit is actually covered. I will call next week to find out for sure.

So the whole thing is a mess. I feel like there is no right answer. I trust God. I do, I really do. But it is scary because I have no idea what is going to happen. I could probably handle $100 a month but what if they take more? What will I do then? I know that it is my debt. I took out the loan so it is my fault. I didn't mean to loose my house. I didn't mean to promise to pay them back and then not be able to. I really am sorry.

I try to ignore all this. Pretend it isn't there. Knowing that I can't afford to do anything anyways so my only choice is to do nothing. But it weighs heavy. It is so very heavy. And I don't know how to deal with this. How do normal people deal with this? All I know to do is numb myself by eating or zone out watching tv. This evening at church I was crying and felt emotionally drained. On the way home I stopped at a couple stores and just walked the aisles. Sometimes just walking sometime praying.

Knowing that God will get me through and feeling like God will get me through are two different things.

Friday, February 3, 2012

Knowing vs. Doing

I feel like God is telling me to do two things. Both of them are difficult and so I keep pushing them away, keep telling myself that I must be hearing wrong and then He tells me again. This week it was so evident that I can not deny the truth that it is from God. I must do something about it even if it is scary. The first is Saturday night service. I tell people that I go. I tell myself that I go. But the truth is that I do not often go. Many times I get offered a babysitting job on Saturday nights and so I choose the money over God. The second is Friday nights. My church has just started advertising several in home bible studies. This has been happening for a couple months and ever since the first time I saw one particular location/study it has been on my mind. It is friday nights at 6:30. It is after work so I can make it but again, it is Friday night which is my other babysitting night.

I keep asking God, "You only mean one, right? You couldn't really mean that I shouldn't babysit either night, right? Right?" But God has made it clear to me that this is what He wants me to do. I mean shy of having someone prophecy it or hearing God's voice audibly. Neither of which should have to happen for me to listen to God.

If you are a regular reader then you are familiar with my cliff analogy. How I feel like I am walking along the edge of cliff. That God has been keeping me right there on the edge, safe but still scary. During my fasting time I feel like God and I have been walking much closer, I am no longer trying to catch up but instead walking with Him, able to hear his voice clearer. But this, not babysitting on Friday's or Saturday's it feels like I am stepping off the cliff. And as that thought came to my mind the only other thought was "Into the hands of Christ." And so I will. I will choose God. I will remember when enticed by money that I LOVE GOD MORE! That God has always taken care of me. That His plan is bigger and better then anything I can imagine and if that means stepping off the cliff then I have to. Because honestly He is the only one I jump off a cliff for. :)

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Managing Time

We all know that time is finite. We only have so many hours in the week, minutes in the day. There are things that require our time: sleep, eating, work, showering. But we must choose what to do with the remaining time. And if we misuse our time, spend it on just being lazy or something not important we will never get that time back. It is forever gone.

A month ago, probably the first three weeks of January, I felt like I had so much time. I had given up tv for 25 days which was a huge use of time. I was cooking more but had the time to spend preparing meals. I didn't even mind the hour I spent shopping because I now need to check every ingredient in an item before I buy it. I had the time and it was important and so I freely gave of my time.

Then I started school and it started using a little of my time at first and then more and more of my time. Then my 25 day tv fast was over and I started giving my time to tv again. I picked up babysitting jobs and this Monday I subbed in a class. My time was now all used up. I notice that I have not been giving my time to God like I was just a few weeks ago. Instead my time is filled with other things. Even now as I sit here typing this I should be at my Wednesday morning woman's bible study. Instead I spent extra time in bed being lazy, I spent time cooking a breakfast instead of eating on the go, I am spending time doing laundry, and I need to spend time doing a homework assignment.

As I have introduced tv back into my life I have spent more time up late at time watching tv instead of time sleeping. My mornings are no longer mornings and instead it is me waking up in a rush to get out the door because I was up so late the night before. This is not how I want to spend my time. Even now I think about the time I spend writing this and the time you spend reading this. Is it worth your time? I think it is worth mine as it is a type of personal therapy for me.

I don't know how some women I know do it. I know at least three women who work and have a busy family and yet they have time for school too. I think all three are taking more credits then I am. I only work part time and have no family to take care of when I get home and yet feel like I barely have enough time for my school. So I have a complete respect for those women. I have to remind myself that I am not them. I can only do my best not the best of someone else. But I still admire them.

I don't have an answer for my time management problem but I am working on it. I just need to try different things, try to figure out what works best for me. In the book I my group reads on Wednesday mornings the woman said something that really hit me. (I am paraphrasing as I do not have the book with me right now.) You can not just consider what you want to spend your time on but you have to decide what is not worth your time. What does not fit into what you want out of your life? And that is a very important question. It is like my tv, it is fun to watch the shows but it is not going to make me healthy (in fact I keep finding myself overeating when watching tv,) it is not going to help me get my associates degree. TV is not bad in itself and I am sure I can watch some but I have to figure out moderation so it does not disrupt my life. And yes I know that time management is something I will always have to figure out and right now is just one of those times.

***

On a different note I called the school yesterday about my financial aid dropping. They original amount was assuming that i was going full time. The guy look at the records and they dropped it to half time but I explained that I am taking nine credits so three quarters time. So my grant amount will go up a little, like $500 I think. So that is like one or two classes this summer that I can take. So that is good.

I still have not called the Superior Court yet. I need to do that I just haven't had time. Though I guess if I am skipping church this morning then I do have time.