About Me

Hi, my name is Angela and welcome to my blog. This is a place where I write about my life in an honest and open way.

I am 34 years old, single, and a Christian. God gave me a heart to work with children and so I spend my day teaching kindergarten. It is my fourth year teaching and although it is hard I love it. I currently go to a college for my BA in Elementary Education which keeps me busy. Between work and school there is not much time left but I enjoy serving and helping others, watching netflix, or reading a good book.


Sunday, December 27, 2009

Thankful Children

I want to know how you raise thankful children. My niece and nephews had a great Christmas and received pretty much every gift on their lists and yet they were very unthankful for it. My sister mentioned that when they found out they got a PS3 (which they have previously had no gaming systems) they were not excited at all but were just "ok, cool." When they opened gifts from me 2 out of 5 wanted to know what else I got for them and pushed what I had carefully picked out aside.

I was curious about the ungratefulness and so I questioned a couple of them. When asked what they got they said "nothing." I go "really nothing, you opened no presents?!" They reply with "yeah, I got a shirt and a new beanie" So I go "that's it? everything else I can go to your house and return because you don't even remember having it?" And only at that point can they name the cool things they got; games and toys they asked for. Though one kid even after the threat still swore up and down he received no toys only clothes which I know can't possibly be true.

I thought maybe that is just how kids are these days. You know always want want want. I mean that is how most adults live, it is the society we have created. Always wanted something better something more. I try to remember how grateful I was. I can remember the one year where we were extra poor and I was not grateful for the little I got. But when I was younger I think I remember that I was grateful. There was always one prized possession in the bunch that I cherished and was grateful for.

One of my cousins (Sandi) has a blog where she posts about her family. She has three little girls two are 6 and one is 4 and she also has one son who is 2. They are all very young so maybe that accounts for it. But in her blog she describes how grateful her kids are of what they received. She lists the gifts and it isn't anything extravagant; dolls, a scooter, playdoh, pet shop toys. So what makes a kid more grateful than another. Is it the way they are raised? Is it a standard of living? Is it just the type of emphasis on the gifts and the holiday in general? Or does it just boil down to if a kid is optimistic or pessimistic?

Don't get me wrong. I LOVE my niece and nephews! That is why I buy them gifts and not my own siblings or dad. But one day I will have kids of my own. And I see how difficult it was for my sister when her children didn't appreciate all she did for them. I would instead much rather have the kids that are grateful for what they receive. But I do know there is not just some formula and you can't just order grateful kids from a catalog. So like both of these parents (and many others I watch in curiosity) I will pray every day for them. That God will bless them no matter how they turn out. :)

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Thanksgiving

I feel aweful. I have a cold, which isn't too bad. But the other day I also got to bad bug bites on my arm that is also making sick and tired as well. It makes the day a lot harder. I feel so distant from people. I am just so tired and I don't want to get everyone sick so I try to keep my distance.

It is also weird because this is the first year I am not going shopping. I have always hit some sale in the middle of the night. I knew after last year I probably wouldn't do it. And after looking at the ads there really isn't anything I want. I keep looking and re-looking but there just isn't anything I want to run out and get. The shop-a-holic in me hates that I won't be going out but if I think about it, it is actually a good thing that I am currently satisfied with what I have. Though I wonder if it is because I feel blah because I am sick. I am not really sure but it doesn't feel like a real Thanksgiving.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Random Thoughts

Below are some totally random thoughts that just keep running through my head. I want to tell someone about them. Get them out of me so that maybe they will stop being so annoying. So are clear and others are not. And at least one I am so not going into details on even though I am sure you are curious. :)

1. I never cared about my age until now. I work with a bunch of 18-22 year olds. Many of them with college degree's. I am actually embarrassed to say my age. I know intellectually that is stupid and am trying to ignore age. It is mostly working.

2. I thought I loved him, convinced myself I could never marry him and it wouldn't work, but then I realized today I still think about him every day even though I haven't seen or talked to him in months. I wish I had more relationship experience to know the difference between love and lust/loneliness.

3. The girl I didn't like at work (she is totally lazy) quit. I was concerned it was partially my fault but knowing my boss agrees she is a bad worker makes me feel better. She called in to work today saying "she didn't feel like making the drive so she wasn't coming in." Why give 2 weeks notice if you aren't actually going to show up. What good work ethic!

4. I love both of my jobs. But it feels like I am working some non-ending work week. I work M-F for like 4-6 hrs a day. And then on weekends I babysit for like 8-10 hrs each day. The weekends are very easy, just sitting around my sisters house making sure my nephews don't die but it's still not an actual day off. And I sleep in during the week and am up early on weekends, my brain is confused. I "should" switch to wake at the same time every day but I am a night person, I do not like mornings so for now I think I will leave it.

5. I realized that my body doesn't fit me. At work I am always running around with the kids, playing games, picking up stuff, rushing around. Some kid gets hurt on the other side of the playground and I run to them. But after 3 hrs of this I am exhausted, actually after like 2 hrs. I hit 5 pm and I catch myself just zoning out. Same with my nephew, the 2 year old loves to just run back and forth in the backyard but I love to do it with him but my body just stops after so long. I don't usually tell people this but I can often picture myself running. When I am anxious I just want to run, but I know that I couldn't go far and so I push the idea away thinking "maybe one day." I wish I had enough will power to get the body my subconscious already thinks I should have.

6. Started taking happy pills, they really help. I am much happier now. I also now take melatonin so I am able to fall asleep which is also very helpful. I am drinking a lot less caffeine due to this.

7. Finally read the Twilight series. I loved the movie and then when I read the books I became obsessed with them. I couldn't read them fast enough. And just ask my roommates, I was very engrossed in the books, often yelling at books. It was pretty funny, but also sad. I so need a love life. At the same time I also watched the True Blood HBO series. It is the same type thing but a lot more blood and sex. The main characters are very alike, watching and reading them at the same time was interesting.

8. My 10 year old nephew told me I should try eHarmony. It stemmed from a conversation about me not having kids but wanting them. He really meant it in the most sweetest way but when you get dating advice from your 10 year old nephew...its just weird.

9. I have to wear a watch for work. But I spend like 1 1/2 outside everyday at work. So I am starting to get a watch line on my wrist. I find this annoying as I only wear the watch for work.

10. I need to go to the dentist. I have at least 2 teeth that are killing me right now. I have no insurance but the pain while eating is really annoying. I was hoping the pain was going to stop but it has been like a week and it hasn't. Need to stop by my brothers dentist and see what this might cost me out of pocket.

11. Sometimes I am so content and happy that I forget that I am living in my dad's house, totally miss my condo, and am totally broke. In those moments I just take a deep breath and enjoy. Then I remember I can not live like this forever and have no idea how I am going to fix this.

12. I really wish I could have gone to the Women of Faith tour again this year. It was so amazing last year, but sometimes life doesn't work out that way.

13. I love to volunteer, and help out, and working with kids. I really do. But there is this one tiny part of my brain that really does think that if I just do enough good that God will have to bless me. That I will hit some unknown quota and then He will truly bless me; husband, kids, financial stability, not crazy, a different body. I know better and wish I didn't think this way.

14. I miss my mom.

15. I have started getting headaches. I keep thinking it is dehydration because I am so much more active now. But I drink a lot of water. And normally if that was it I could just drink a good 12-16 oz and be good but lately it just stays all day. I don't like taking pain meds, I think the pain is your body telling you something. I don't know what is wrong though. I need to figure this out before they get worse.


Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Silver lining

I have been happy lately, like actually happy. I don't think I have blogged about my new job. I now work part time for a private charter school helping during lunch and after school with preschool kids. It works perfect because I am not a morning person and I don't have to be there till 11:30 and then I get off by 6pm (usually 5:30) which gives me my evenings. It pays decent and I love the kids. It is great. I do have this two hour break in the middle, lunch is from 11:30 to 1 and then after school is 3 - 6. I live about 15 min away so I have decided to stay in the break room and read. I have been getting a little antsy during this two hours but I have also been reading a boring biography so that hasn't helped. I switch to a new book tomorrow so that should be better. I haven't read the Twilight series and have been told it is a must read.

So I don't know if it is the job and knowing I can pay my bills or actually I have started taking my "happy" pills again which helps mellow my high and low moods. My bet is on the pills. But either way I love being happy, its nice.

Anyways, today I was driving to work and I always drive with the windows down except if I am on the freeway or the heat is just too bad. So my window was down and I went to put it up when I got to the freeway, it did not go up. It made the noises but no movement. I was so mad!! See you probably know this but in case you don't or to refresh your memory. I had a car I bought in 2000 when it was 2 years old, it was a '98 Nissan Sentra. I was 18 and it was my baby. Then I totaled the car, had no money and with what the insurance paid to me I could only afford '95 Nissan Sentra, 3 years older but this new one was automatic and had power windows neither of which the old car had. The car is a clunker. It has some part wrong that isn't "life threatening" (which is required with the lemon law) but it does mean my check engine light is always on. Also the front passenger window does not go down, but I knew that when I bought it. Since then the internal light went out, my right speaker went out, the ac only works sometimes and often stalls the car when being used, and although all tires have great tread 1 likes to go flat needing to be filled every 2 weeks, a second goes flat over 1 month period and the spare tire doesn't hold air at all. Which would be fine if I had some sort of expendable cash to fix them but I don't so I just deal with it.

So when the window went down and wouldn't go up I was so mad. I wanted to just scream!! I hate this stupid car! But instead I took a breath and was happy it was just a window and not a tire blowing out or my engine failing. The car works, the doors work that is all that I need. I decided to ignore it. I tried to look up info online about how I could fix it or the cost. It appears to be at least $200 and the details were very lengthy so I couldn't do it on my own. I was sitting here watching tv and I start to hear the wind blow, I go to the window and I can smell the rain coming. I can't leave the window down, my car will be soaked. I don't know what to do, find plastic I guess to cover the window, but what do I use. But somehow (praise the Lord) I was clear headed enough to not freak out and just stopped, walked over to my brother and told the situation and asked for help. He goes, "The window won't move? Pull it into the light for me and I will see what I can do." It is like 10:30 at night he is not only in the middle of a movie but also working on a painting and he just stops and helps me pull apart my car to fix the window. It turned out he just had to remove 8 screws partially pull off the inside of the door and then we were able to pull up the window. I am so happy!!! I don't need the window to work, I need my car to be dry.

But this just reminds how much I blessed to have a car that works and more importantly a family that really loves me. I always take them for granted but especially in the last several months while I felt like world was crashing down on me they have all been there to help hold up the walls while I got to my feet. I don't know why I have always taken them for granted or I don't know... not realized that they are there for me when I need them. So family, if you read this. Thanks! Thank you for being awesome when I sometimes go totally crazy and can't think straight. Thanks for just being there for me you all rock!

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Pain and Faith

I don't understand, and honestly I hope I never have to. I don't understand what it feels like to have your children half way across the country from you . How it feels when you have to drive them to the airport and put them on a plane where your ex/their other parent is going to pick them up. And I certainly don't know what is like for the children.

My sister has 5 children; 3 she gave birth to and 2 that her 2nd husband brought to the family. I love all five the same and all of them are amazing kids. I have been watching Justice and Isaiah for at least 20 hours a week since they flew into phoenix in mid-June. Today they flew back to Illinois where they live with there mother for the school year.

I knew this last weekend was my last with them. Normally we don't do anything exciting; I am always broke and it is too hot outside so we just hang out inside the house. But they were leaving so I kind of wanted a little different. They hate me because I always make them eat sandwiches for lunch (I still haven't figured out what they eat the rest of the week) but sandwiches they hate. So on Sunday after church we went to McDonalds and I let them play in the playplace for a half hour, which of course was not enough. But Tirso is too young for it and he was getting antsy seeing them play and he couldn't, so it was time to go.

I had brought my camera along, I wanted to take some pictures before they left. So between watching Mr Magoriams Wonder Emporium and playing on the computer I took over 150 shots. Its digital and I always prefer more to less plus the kids love posing and making funny faces. After every shot they run over to see how it looks. We were having a great time, dancing to music and having fun. By the evening when we were all tired of posing, and the camera battery was about dead as well. I notice that Justice is sad. I know she is leaving in 2 days and I can only imagine what is going on in her head. Sad she hasn't seen her mom in 3 months, sad to be leaving dad, just sad. I know there is nothing I can say to make anything better and so I just sit with her.

On monday night I finally get around to plugging in the camera to go through the photo's. As I go through them enhancing, getting rid of red eye, and rotating I notice something. I can see it now only with the photo's I have captured of those moments. I think back and I don't remember seeing this and wonder how I missed it. But in many photo's I see that her eyes are red and she is fighting back tears. I see the photo's and they make me want to cry. I love her so much, I hate to see her in this pain. I feel so bad I delete the photo's because these moments I have captured are no ones to see. They are private and painful. Even this post I worry is too much information.

I have learned not to and so I try not to ask "why." Why God would allow such pain for a child. I think it is the pain I myself suffered as a child as to why I take such offense to even a child in a movie being harmed. I know and trust that God will not give this child more that she can handle. That he is simply preparing her and strengthening her for the future he has in store for her. But right now as she has to change her life again I know that she is pain and all I can do is pray. Pray for her and her brother, for her parents, and for the new parents and siblings that also are part of this. And then I just praise the Lord for being blessed to know these two amazing and beautiful children.

Saturday, August 1, 2009

I miss church

I go to church twice a week and yet I miss it. On wed I work with the kids program, I have for years so that is pretty normal. It has been a little extra stressful for the summer but only few weeks left and then back to actual normal.

The difference is sunday mornings. Normally I have bible study and then go to service. I normally help out once a month in nursery once a month. For the summer a couple of the teachers were taking vacation and they needed someone to help out during sunday school hour in nursery and toddlers. So on the 5th I was in nursery, that week I found out that my nephew screams the hole time in nursery so during service my mind was elsewhere. Then on the 12th I was in toddlers, service was good that day. I was going to go back to class on the 19th but my nephew got sick so we stayed home. Then last week on the 26th I helped in toddlers again, however I was feeling sick the whole time and went home instead of to service. This week I am supposed to go back to class again but now I have a cold, a cold I probably spread to my niece and nephews which will make them contagious tomorrow. I think it will depend on how I feel and if the drugs I bought will work. I had realized that last night, that I might again not make it to church. It feels like satan is attacking me.

But even before that I was distracted. I don't know how parents can concentrate during class. With Tirso screaming the whole time, and Isaiah won't listen to anyone, and Justice I don't worry about unless Garrett's around and then I worry that they will start fighting or ditch or something annoying. The eldest is no problem, he doesn't like it but isn't as whiny as the others. Don't get me wrong I love them all and I am glad they are learning stuff at church. But I miss learning stuff. It was only a month so I am kind of surprised that I feel so distant. But maybe I should sit and read my bible instead of sit here blog about this.

Friday, July 17, 2009

Imaginary Vacation

I am planning an imaginary vacation. Well, actually, I am planning two imaginary vacations but working on the details of only one right now. I want to travel, I have this deep seated need to travel. I hate that I haven't traveled very much. Ok, actually I know I have traveled more others have. I have been blessed to have gone to both Maui, HI and Disney World plus multiple trips closer to home in CA and Vegas. But that's like 4 states out 50 and besides Mexico I haven't left the country. And yes my cruise to Mexico was great and another opportunity that others haven't had but I want more. So I know I am broke right now but I have a little time on my hands and so I am planning a couple of road trips across and around the United States. But because I can't say when I will go I am calling them imaginary vacations. It makes me feel better about them instead of saying I am planning a vacation I am not going on.

The first trip is up the west coast. I have previously discussed my affinity of Seattle and so I need to get there. The trip starts here in Phoenix, goes through LA and up Hwy 1. After hitting Seattle I continue north to Vancouver, Canada and across over to Calgary. From there I go south hitting as many states as I can, Montana, Idaho, Utah, Wyoming, Colorado, and then down through four corners to get back to Phoenix. It looks like it is aprox 85 hours of driving and I think, with time to see stuff in every state I can do it in 13 nights, 14 very full days. I have worked out a general time line and now am looking to see if I actually left myself enough time in each city. Because it is imaginary I can be pretty flexible but because I do hope that one day I can take the trip I am trying to not make the trip too long and the time frames actually work.

The second trip is from Phoenix to Washington D.C. Like my trip to Seattle in this one I would go past D.C. on to Atlantic City, NJ so I can see the Atlantic Ocean and then back again. I thought I new the route but after reading a USA travel guide I think I would prefer Memphis, TN to Nashville, TN so I might make some changes. On the way back I will go through the southern states making sure to stop in New Orleans along the way. When I looked at some general numbers it appears this trip is about the same physical distance as trip 1 but I haven't mapped it all out yet. It would be great if this one was also 14 days but I have a feeling it will be longer.

I am just having fun. Planning vacations, looking at the time and cost of it all. I know that if I start getting frustrated that it is only "imaginary" is the time that I will stop. But for now I love it. I get out my Road Atlas, my USA travel guide, my notebook, my post its and dots, I open my computer and work my way along the road. I research places to stop and take pictures, where to stay and what to eat, and what fun and crazy things can I do. Actually I have fun dilemma, I only have so much time in San Francisco so the Alcatraz tour and then Peir 39 to see sea lions and stop Bubba Gumps for lunch but then I can either walk across the Golden Gate Bridge or go take the tour at the Jelly Belly company. That is a hard decision! And then I try to figure out maybe I can do the bridge the day before but the day before is already packed. And if I leave any later then I won't have sunlight to take pics further up the coast. So I write out post it notes about both activities leave them on the Day 3 page and move on. It is imaginary, I can decide later. :) See how fun imaginary is, no stress about an actual decision since they doesn't actually have to be made right now.

I know its a little weird. And when I start a conversation with my brother with "So while I was planning my imaginary vacation..." he always looks at me like I am crazy. I don't really mind though because I am totally a planner. I need to plan out everything, I've have been getting better about that for vacations but its hard because I don't want to miss something. I don't think on my own I could be totally spontaneous, I would probably live if somebody took me on a vacation spontaneously or didn't tell me where we were going so I couldn't plan; but I would have to really trust them. But actually thinking about it, when i got there I would totally try to start planning things. For instance my brother got in the car and just drove one day; up and around and through several states. He didn't know where he was going, didn't really have a plan just went. I couldn't do that. I don't think either way is the "right" way, they are just different. Whatever makes you feel most comfortable on your vacation.

So I will keep planning my imaginary vacations. Maybe I will blog again when I have more details; the cost of trip 1 or what states in trip 2.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Dress shopping and the stomach flu

My sister is getting married on saturday and I am part of the "wedding party." This also means I need to coordinate with everyone. So I was advised the color they were wearing was yellow. I was shown the Justice's dress (Josh's daughter) and I was to go find something suitable, my sister of course not wanting me to spend too much as I am unemployed. We had discussed that a blouse and skirt would be fine. I was having problems finding a dress so I e-mailed her with some blouse options that I thought would work. At first she said she didn't care so I ordered a blouse. Then she came back that she would prefer a dress, so figured hey cute new top no big deal and went in search for the dress. There was much strife over this. With the colors in mind and then dealing with the very minimal amount of dresses in my size became trouble. At one point I thought I found the perfect dress, I even ordered it. And then the next day they called back to say they didn't have it in my size after all. Turned out it was on clearance at the stores so none of the 4 stores in town had my size either. After much frustration, mostly at the size of my own body, my sister-in-law came to my rescue. She had links to several plus size clothing sites I could try. I sent the three options I found over to April for her opinion and then ordered a dress.

I knew I had to pay for expedited shipping but didn't want to pay to much. I figured 3-6 business days wouldn't be bad. It then took them 3 days to ship it and then a full 6 days from there. It was scheduled to arrive on Wed. On Mon the blouse I ordered arrived, it is actually quite awful. It is definitely going back and I am glad I had already been looking in a new direction. I was just worried because what if the dress was bad as well.

This next part seems a little off topic but important to the story. Early Tue morning I became very sick with the stomach flu. My sister and family had it the previous week and I must have picked it up while babysitting at her house over the weekend. So all day tue was spent either in bed or the bathroom. I was able to sleep through tue night and woke up around 9am wed. I still was not feeling well with a big pit in my stomach and just went to lay on the couch. Around 10am my dress arrived. I opened up the package and the dress smelled awful, which I know washes out but I also notice how very thin the dress is. It had a liner but a very thin one. It was very low cut but I already new from the pic I would have to wear a tank with it. But sitting up looking at the dress was too much for me and I had to lay back down. A few hours later I tried it on. The dress was definitely going to need a slip, if I could see my undies while in my poorly lighted bedroom it wasn't going to work while I was standing out in the day light in front of a 100 people. The other problem was the top, it doesn't really fit my big boobs. So with the tank I wanted to wear it doesn't cover enough. I have another white tank but it has this lace on it that just wouldn't work. I realize that I have to go out and get something different or something that will make this dress work.

I tried to get up several times but I just felt awful even sitting up and the thought of going out to try on clothes was just painful. But around 4pm I did it anyways. What I stupid mistake. I went to Avenue to look at a couple of dresses and slips. I tried on the dresses (both were way worse than the one I had) and I kind of thought about trying on a slip but then just left. I stopped at both JcPenny and Target to check for a shirt or tank that would work. Target had nothing and JcPenny only had these tanks that I already have some of. Not the white ones I tried on but I have some in other colors to wear out. So I had the dress with me and more than once I told myself I should try the dress and the white tank on but I didn't.

So here I am many hours later. Have some food in me and I am more hydrated. I tried the dress on with one of the tanks I have and realize it is perfect if I had it in white. So tomorrow I have to go back to JcPenny and get the tank and unless they have a slip in my size also go back to Avenue to get the slip the slip I was looking at. I knew I shouldn't have gone out and that I had a couple more days but I just wanted to get it done and make it work.

I don't know how parents do it. My sister was sick with the same thing but she still had kids to take care of, planning and shopping for the wedding, and even showed up to her shower feeling bad. I couldn't even buy the things I knew I needed to buy. I had actually stopped at the grocery store to buy 4 things and even that took all kinds of concentration, though it was at the end of my 1 1/2 hr shopping trip so I was extra woozy then. But seriously mad props to any mother out there who can do all there normal stuff while totally sick.


Oh, and if you want to take a look at the dress it is at this link http://www.alight.com/10112736.html . I am now a little worried about how white it is but my sister approved so it must be ok. I may bring a back up outfit in case she sees me in it and freaks. Just a little piece of my paranoia special for you.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Moving

I feel like a liar. This evening (morning) as I spoke with my younger brother I made it sound so positive about me moving. I discuss all of the positive things, and there are some. But in reality it is awful and I hate it! I want to dig my heels into the ground and make you drag me out of my home.

I am moving from 1200 sq ft to about 350 sq ft. As I pack my things knowing that I have to get rid of...well it feels like almost everything. There is no room for anything. So I pack some and then make bags for goodwill and bags full of trash. I feel pain as I do this but I compartmentalize it. I see the pain attached to the item that must be discarded as I have no use for it and so before touching it I quickly push away the pain and the sadness and quickly move it on. Some things I stop and look at deciding if, just maybe I have the room. I have now gone through many of the boxes once and (because I know I have way to many boxes already) will go through them again sorting out more "memories" to discard. I remind myself that I still have the memory even if I do not have the item and this helps long enough to throw out a few more things.

I at one point actually got upset when I realized I do not have room for my 4 foot stuffed snowman named murry and I cried. I knew almost immediately this is silly and it probably just the last straw kind of thing. The part I really don't think I will make it through is my cats. I have tried and tried to find someone to take them but it is kitten season and so there is no room or want for any of my cats. I was so sure I would find a shelter for them but there isn't any. I still have them listed on craigslist but there are so many cats there I don't wonder why no one has noticed mine. So there is only one option left, the pound. In case you don't realize what that means it means I am going to pay someone $35 per cat to kill my cats. Two of the cats I have only had about a year, they are the sweetest cats and are declawed and I really wish this wasn't there fate but I can handle that. The real problem is Penny. I have such emotional ties to Penny. See I got Penny before my mom died and before my grandmother died. I remember getting her at my grandparents property up north, she was the runt of the litter. I named her Penny because that day I got her (she was just weeks old) I had this whole conversation with my grandmother about pennies. I don't remember exactly but I think she was dropping some on the ground and I thought that was weird because it was just the middle of the property. And then I remember on the way home and mom was driving and I held the kitten the whole time. And then I let it walk around on the floor board not realizing that there was a whole to the engine, the kitten almost walked into the engine because I wasn't thinking. I try to remind myself she is just a cat and there are a 100 more to replace this one when I am able to have one but I have had her for 8 years, she is my baby. My sister did offer to take Penny in but I don't know. I don't know how she will be around my sisters dog and then my sister has another cat and penny always dominates and will that just drive me more crazy just visiting her once a week. And I don't want my sister doing it because she feels bad for me. And...I don't know. And I don't know if I am strong enough to take them down there tomorrow. I had called a shelter to see if they had any room and when she called back she started giving me this guilt trip about taking them to the pound, like as if I needed that, and I was trying to be nice but all I wanted to do was yell at her for being so insensitive. They are just cats.

So I will focus on packing my stuff. I need to have everything packed by friday evening even though I am not moving till monday. On friday night I am scrapbooking, then Sat and Sun during the day I am babysitting, and on sat night there is a party I want to go to. So sun night I will get all my last min stuff packed and I really need to clean several rooms before the move too. It is kind of weird since my brother and I are switching houses there is no time in between. It will probably be best to load my stuff, transfer it over and then load up his stuff to bring over here, he has a lot less stuff than I do. I was supposed to ask a friend if I could borrow his trailer to help with the move but I haven't yet. I meant to on wed night when I saw him but I didn't have the time. Without a trailer it may take 3 loads with my dads truck and that is just my furniture, I would probably need to move all the boxes in cars. I think my dad and brothers are all helping. And then my sister and family should be able to help as well so I think I am covered. I am leaving about half of my furniture, ok maybe a third of my furniture here since I have no room and my brother may be able to use it; so that helps with the move.

I can't believe it is already thursday, I feel like I still have so much to pack before I go. Though I seem to have saved books and my kitchen for last. Both pretty big projects. The kitchen stuff won't really need to be used so it is just making sure it is all stored safely for the unknown amount of time I won't be using it. 

I think that is about it for now. Probably won't update again till after the move. Let you know how it all works out.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

New Fork in the Road

I wouldn't like the job! I just keep telling myself that. ... I had a friend who works in HR at this retirement community. I wasn't sure what position I was really applying for. I have looked online and they showed a caregiver and a housekeeper positions available. So I sent my resume, got a call back and went to an interview. The interview was for a waiter position, which I am always weary of because I am not sure I could do it. It was like a normal waiter instead no tips just a specific 7.50 hr, I am hoping for $8 an hr but willing to be flexible for a good job. The problem comes in is the schedule. It is 10 am to 7 pm which is great but it is 4 days on 2 days off. This would mean 4 out of 6 sunday's I would have to work. I considered it, I really did but I am not desperate for a job right now. Plus I don't think I will be happy there which will mean I would be taking it for now and still looking for something else. And since a friend was getting me a job I didn't want to make her look bad if I leave right away. So now of course I am concerned I just blew a good opportunity. But I have an interview at Sears tomorrow and then while I am out that way I have a couple places that want their applications in person so I will stop by those places. 

But I know really the bottom line is why would I give up a my house and way of life to just get another job I will be antsy to leave. 

Sunday, April 26, 2009

The simplest answer...

is usually the correct one. Do ever feel that way? I knew I would be quitting and I with that I would not be able to afford my home. I have come to accept this, it is just a house. I am not loosing much more than if I had just rented instead. Still not sure if I will foreclose or sell it at less its value. I have had this, we will call it a nagging idea, that I should mention to my younger brother the idea of renting my house. Not for a profit just for some time since I can't afford it and him and his friends were planning on moving anyways. I mentioned it to him today and they may want to. I need to figure out some details to give him so they can discuss it so that would be cool. That would prevent hurting my credit, I am not relying on it but it would be interesting.

Any way it works out I am still going to have to move. My desire is to get a one bedroom or studio apartment. I don't really need anything big, just enough space for me. But when I look everything up I am looking at least $600. The other option is to move in to my dad's house. Dad doesn't usually live there, just sometimes stays a few days when he comes in town. Right now my older brother and his wife live there as well as my younger brother. No whether my younger brother moves into my house or somewhere else that would mean there would be a spot in the house I could move into. I think my brother pays like $100 to my dad plus utilities of course. With how the house is set up it would be like a 1 bedroom, I would have a bedroom plus a living room. But the kitchen and bathroom are community property. It really isn't anything ideal but it may give me an opportunity to pay off some of my debts which will create less stress in my life. It seems like the "duh, why wouldn't you" answer but I don't know. I am not really moving in with my parents and when I was 19 I moved out from my parents and in with my older brother. But the last time my and brother and I lived together it didn't work out well and it is what pushed me to move out and buy my house. So is moving back in such a great idea? Prayer. I need to pray about this. I need to figure out what will work best for me. What will the best environment for me be? Oh yeah and discuss it with my older brother and his wife and see how they feel about living with me. 

What I know now...
I am just tired of being stressed. Always and completely stressed and anxious and angry. So right now any choice any change is to move toward that goal. I know that I do not have to live like this and I am choosing not to. I know this may not last but I pray that it would because this is no way to live. 

Friday, April 24, 2009

I quit my job

I had wed off and had to go back to work on thursday. I made it to work on time but hated going. I couldn't make it to my first break by the time I had to clock out as 'personal time' to just walk away from the phone. Running through my head was how much I wanted to quit, "why haven't I quit, I hate being here." But I went and got back on the phone anyways. Lunch is always difficult, I stopped packing my lunch mostly because I wait till the last second to crawl out of bed and then barely get to work on time. So then I have to go out to lunch and coming back is so hard. I sit at lunch and in my head all I can think about are the list of reasons why I should quit and why its not a big deal that quitting is better than staying. And yet I end up back at work taking calls again, really like I do everyday at work. When my second break came I was ready for it. I found myself in the bathroom stall crying because I didn't know why I was even still there why hadn't I packed up my stuff and walked out. I get back to my desk and without even thinking about it I just start packing my stuff. I had these bags I kept knowing eventually I would quit or be fired. So I packed up all my stuff. As I was packing I felt this pressure off from my shoulders. But I couldn't stand up and walk out I logged back on the phone thinking I would just finish my day. At the end of the day, after my last call I logged off and just sat there. My stuff packed I could give my badge to my boss and not come back. But I didn't do it. I think it is because I was more relaxed after packing my stuff.

I came back to work today. My stuff was all packed all I have out is paper and pen. I take calls all day. I hate every customer that calls me. I have no patience with anyone. I don't even care that I am not really helping customers. Actually I do. My lack of care is why I had to go I had to get out. All day I am saying I am sorry we screwed you and nope there is nothing I can do about it. I went to lunch and came back and I was supposed to log off and go to my weekly meeting with my sup and the last call was just ridiculous a customer lying to try and save another $25. I was so angry so I logged out, picked up my stuff, walked to my boss's desk and handed her my badge said I was quitting and walked out. When I said it I started crying, I don't even know why just too much emotion tied to that moment. But as I get out and put my stuff in the car and I am driving home I realize I'm not sad I am a little giddy. I am happy. I am driving home and have a little smirk on my face. Now maybe its shock or just my initial joy and I realize that life is about to suck in a brand new way but I am pretty happy. I don't even care right now. I'm just, breathing a little more freely now.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

A beautiful view?



In the break room at work they have these windows facing east with the most amazing view. About a month ago I was standing there just looking out the window and a thought crossed my mind, "I am not in prison, there is a whole world out there." I had to stop after that. Am I in prison? Why do I work somewhere that I have to go look out a window to remind myself I am not prison. But every time I look out that window the site is just so beautiful. I wonder if it is really that beautiful or just a little rain after a drought.

Monday, April 13, 2009

A new week

This week was mundane which is good. Didn't do much get up around 12:30 - 1pm. Then work from 2 - 11 every night still hating every min of it. I can feel how angry I am, angry because I don't want to be angry at the callers for calling in. I am so tense when I am there and I can it on people's faces that they see how tense and frustrated I am. Friday I was pulled into a meeting with my sup and the department director and was put on a final written warning for attendance. Then on sat I was pulled into a meeting with my old and new sup and put on written warning because I am not meeting the stupid stats. They made me put together a plan for how I will fix my issues but it is stupid and I don't care and now I feel like I am being babysat which is ridiculous. Anyways so then I get off work and I go home and sit on the couch till 6 or 7 in the morning doing really nothing watching tv, coloring, and journaling. Till I am so tired when I go to bed my brain doesn't have the energy to think about anything. I only had about 5 hrs of sleep but my body seemed to not mind the hours I was sleeping. I am such a night person.

I didn't really do anything all week. No applications out, not researching about what to do about my house. Just a week of numb and not doing anything. But I do recognize that I can't stay where I am. It's not fair to the customers that are calling in. It's not their fault I feel so resentment toward them before they even have time to say hello. I hate feeling this way! I don't want to resent people or mad at people, its...its against my nature. It hurts me because I can see myself not giving the people the respect they deserve even if they treat me like trash I should still treat them with the respect anyone deserves. And then I just want to get off the phone because I know I suck but I have to take the calls or go home and well because they are the ones paying my bills right now I stay and take the calls. I just need a simple job stocking shelves or I don't know some just were people aren't yelling at me all day.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

My parents were always poor they always struggled. As I grew up I had little to nothing and that which we had my parents always sacrificed for us to have. I watched my mother and father struggle every day just fighting to pay the bills and struggling to get food in the fridge just fighting to get through each day. My parents were miserable and I saw it. My mother until the day she died and my father even now struggled to get through everything in life. So I decided I wanted more. I didn't want to live like this. I would have enough to give my kids and I would have a job that was reliable and would have a job where I didn't have to get to the end of the month and wonder how I would pay the rest of the bills. I always dreamed big I wanted to be a teacher, I wanted to be film editor, I wanted to be an ultrasound tech. I even wanted less reliable but more enjoyable things like a foreign missionary or a photographer. But every time I try, every time I get my stuff together and go toward that dream I get pushed down, pushed hard. It may be a couple of years or few months but it happens every time. And try so hard to push back, to hold on, to not loose my ground. But my depression is debilitating. I can't get out of bed let alone get my homework done. And the little that I can do I always choose work over school every time. Not that I can even get to work most days. I can't eat and I can't sleep and then when I do finally fall asleep I can't wake up because I had been awake so long. And when it is bad, really bad, there is no hope. I can see everything falling apart that I worked so hard for falling apart around me and I can't get out of bed or off the couch. And it doesn't matter if I am on meds or not it comes anyways. It comes and pushes me down and smashes my face in the mud just to show me that it can.

And so I give up, I have said it before I know I have. But how can I keep doing this. In a couple months my company is going to come to me and ask me for the $3400 I took for school. For classes that I have now dropped out of. They will ask me for a payment plan. The problem with that is I live pay check to pay check. I have no money to pay them. I make good money, I do but I pay for the price for it and I hate it. I make just enough to pay back the debt that I have and pay for this stupid house that I resent now. I was doing the 'right thing' I was investing. I even got a good deal on the house. And now they keep increasing the HOA fees and I can't afford it and I can't sell it, wouldn't break even with what I currently owe. So I spent 5 years working my ass off to get the payments made and now I am supposed to do what? Give it away and ruin my credit in the process.

I don't understand. What am I supposed to do? All I can see is being one of those people you see at the retail store, a cashier for the next 40 years. I have always looked at the 40 and 50 year old women and that is all they have done. At what point do you realize that you were not meant for anything more than an $8 an hour job. How do you realize you will be working with high schoolers for the rest of your life because that was all you were destined for. Really what I don't understand is how God decides that. How does He say 'This girl will dream big and will desire much and yes some for herself but her mother will teacher her to be selfless and her dreams will be for others and she will be generous with her money and time but instead she will not full fill her dreams instead she will suffer and be nothing important. She will watch others pass her by while she accomplishes nothing. She will try to free herself from this time and time again but will never succeed.'

Turns out I am not talking to God right now. Honestly it feels like He stopped talking to me more than a year ago. I keep trying get Him to talk to me. I would do everything He wanted of me I studying my bible every day and always praying and giving of my time and money and keeping my thought pure and I would sit and try to listen and yet nothing. I even want to SWC to try an please Him thinking this must be what He wants and yet nothing. I feel like everyday for a very long time I have run to his lap to sit an listen to Him and I sit there for hours and I can see He is speaking to others but I can not hear Him. And I don't understand and I beg and plead and yet He does not speak to me, He does not fill my cup. I am tired of going to Him to be ignored. I have tried everything I know and I don't understand. I just want to please Him, I just want to do His will. I don't understand what I have done so wrong.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

No sleep

A personal rant.

I can't sleep at night. You know when the tv is off and the computer is put away and all I really want to do is sleep but instead my head is invaded with all of the thoughts I push away the rest of the day. Thoughts about how I hate every minute of every day I spend at my job. How I would rather do anything but go there again because it feels like it is trying steal my soul. I try to remind the company that they can't have my soul I gave it to someone else but no they don't care they still want it. And then I think about school and how much I just don't care. I can't go back next semester and I have already dropped out 3 times before so what's the point. Me and school just don't seem to work well together. And I am sure I am just going to fail anyways. I just can't help thinking about how stuck I am in life and I hate it. And I think well do something about but I am so stuck I don't know what to do. My schedule at work works so I can go to school in the mornings plus my company paid for school and I have to finish and pass it or pay them back the $3400. So if I left my job now I would have to pay them back plus probably drop out of school. But if I have to pay for it it is extra motivation to pass the classes. And then where will I go. My house so expensive I don't think there is any way I can make enough unless it is a job like this that I hate every second of. And if I could sell it and even just make back what I bought it for that would be great but I can't (stupid economy.) Plus if I did move out of here an apt is like expensive, I just want something basic just 1 bedroom maybe a studio but with utilities min would be like $600 which is kind of high if I am just going to get a minimum wage job. And then its like I am going backwards. My friends are all buying houses now and here I am taking a step back makes me feel like a looser. So all this just runs through my head. So then I don't want to go to bed because it's disturbing and then when i get to bed I can't sleep. And then I can't wake up in the morning because I didn't fall asleep until 4 or 5 in the morning. So I have missed 3 days of school and now 4 days of work and I am not doing well. I just want to be happy. It shouldn't be that hard but right now it feels impossible.

So now I am on the verge of loosing my current job, trying to find a new job, behind on all my school work, and trying to figure out if I should try to sell my home before just allowing it to go to foreclosure. And wondering if any of this will actually make me any less miserable or just more miserable. Though I am not sure how much worse it could get so it may be a safe gamble.

Monday, March 16, 2009

Small Faith

I wonder why faith is so hard. Why when I have seen God time and time again put me through these trials only for my better. And yet it is so hard to trust Him when I am in it. Faith can be so difficult even when you know that is what you need to put your trust in. It is this unconditional faith trusting that God knows what He is doing and all will work out to the good of those who trust Him. Making that more than just a line you remember and actually living it. In Matthew 17 the bible says that if we just had the faith of a mustard seed we could move mountains. How small is our faith and yet it is so difficult to trust that faith.

Sometimes I wish I had more faith. Or that in those times when life is so difficult it would be easier to trust that faith. I mean when things happen I go right to prayer but it is sticking with it after it feels like no answer is in sight that is most difficult. Or when you think you thought you knew the answer and now you are not so sure. How do you keep your faith when you think it was your faith that lead you in the wrong direction the first time. But I guess that is part of faith. Trusting that He will use my choices towards His good will.

Friday, March 13, 2009

Birthday 27 and counting

In case you couldn't tell I Love birthdays. I just do, I think they are awesome. I think, no matter your age, you should celebrate and enjoy your special day. Actually I prefer making it a week long celebration. I'm not sure when this started, must have been as I was older. I remember that I was always a brat as a kid wanting more than my parents could provide. Wish I could take it back, apologize to my mother for being such a jerk when she gave up so much so I could have the little that we had. ...Anyways, so I think it was as an adult. I mean how cool is it that 27 years ago on a couch in a trailer home in Payson I was born. In that moment God new everything; my life, my purpose, my everything all because He willed it to be. That is something to celebrate.

Nothing too exciting today though. Slept till 11 then went for breakfast. There is this place called First Watch just north of Glendale off from I-17 and I love it. After breakfast I headed over to Ulta, my sister works there. Need to get some new make-up. There is an Ulta closer to me but it isn't as cool as the one my sis is at so I drove out there. I figured I would just get to say hi to her but she didn't have a client when she got in so we were able to talk awhile. That was awesome. Found some cool new stuff to buy. Next up was Cold Stone, free ice cream on my birthday how can I pass that up. Went home for a couple hours and then off to Mylinda's. We got some Wendy's for dinner, which I love so it was perfect. Then it was to the Rascal Flatts concert. It was at the Cricket Pavillion so outdoors. I did not realize how cold it was going to get, I didn't bring a sweater thinking it wasn't that cold at night but that was a mistake. It was cold and then there was wind, freezing. Jessica Simpson opened the show. I have to start out by saying I liked her early stuff, watched her tv show, I even have a book about her wedding to Nick. But she was just bad; her voice was off and sometimes way out of key. She sang for like an hour and maybe one or two songs were ok. At one point she almost fell, which would have been sad. But one of the biggest things was her face while she sings. I don't know if she was trying to look sexy or was told to accentuate her facial moves but it looked bad. I know, mean, but totally true. Next up was Rascal Flatts and they were awesome. I don't actually know many of their songs which is weird since everyone else is singing every word. But they do great music and are really good at the interaction with the audience. So I may be a convert and will have to get some of their music on my ipod. It was pretty cool but kind of weird. The main singer Gary said hi to this ten year old girl. Apparently her mother mentioned she wrote her own song so Gary has her pulled onstage and she totally sang her song. Of course crazy nervous at first with the Gary right there and thousands of people watching her but once she started she was so natural with it. The song had two stanzas and a chorus and it was pretty good. She will never forget that experience.

The night was so much fun, four girls freezing at an awesome concert. I almost don't want my day to end, which may explain my blogging at three in the morning. Alright, not really. Got home around midnight and popped in a movie to watch. It has just taken me the entire movie to write this. I have tomorrow off too. I need to get some homework done before I go play. Probably have lunch with friends and then go watch a movie. I haven't decided which one though either Watchmen or Escape from Witch Mountain. Either should be good so I don't know. Oh, and the Olive Garden. I totally want some italian food. I know I have eaten a lot of the last couple days, but I do enjoy food so seems reasonable. And now I need to go figure out how to get rid of my hiccups and head to bed.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Free Ride

Let me first say yesterday was so exhausting. I wanted to post last night but my bed was just calling to me. I had stayed up way late(early) on monday night so I slept in on Tue, had some breakfast and then I was off. I had decided I would ride the train down to tempe. Right now it stops about 2 miles south of my house (soon will be about 100 feet from my door) so I drove down and parked. From christown mall to tempe it is about 45 min and a day pass on the train is $2.50. I buy my ticket and the rush to get on the train about to leave. The thing is nobody checks for your ticket. You don't have to slide it to get on and nobody walks around checking them. The same thing on my way home later that evening. If I ever ride again I almost don't want to pay seeing that really don't need to. I am actually curious how many people actually pay for this ride. I don't know why it bothers me so much. I guess how much we spent, are still spending on the train and knowing it is a free service. But I am too honest I would want to pay my part, it is the right thing to do.

Anyways, so I jumped on board the train and popped my earbuds in. It was kind of cool watching people and just relaxing for 45 min. I walked around mill ave and it is so sad down there. Everything is closed these days, and now Z gallery and Borders are both closed. It definitely isn't the same mill I remember. So i grabbed some Jack in the Box and then went to urban outfitters. Then I walked across the bridge, which was pretty cool looking over the lake and watching people on the beach. The concert was pretty awesome. I was just to right of stage standing in the 2nd row of people so really close. Made some friends around me which was cool, better than just standing there. It was so long though. They let us in at 6:30 and then first band was from 8 - 9 and then Adele from 9:30 - 10:30. And when I add the 30 min in line before hand 4 1/2 hours of standing was crazy.

Today was nice so far. Woke up to banging on my door, I had ordered something and fedex needed a signature. Went and got a fabulous pedicure, so relaxing. And then I headed down to Biltmore to the Cheesecake factory. I had some sliders, so amazing. Then I ordered this Godiva brownie sundae, this thing was so big. I'm pretty sure, after eating a meal, not even two people could have eaten it. Nevertheless, I took some Godiva brownie home for later, so delicious. I swear I have never had anything bad to eat at Cheesecake factory. Their food just amazing. I did a little walking around window shopping. Now I am home again. I get to watch my nephews for couple hours this evening. I was thinking of taking them to dinner but I am so full still I may just watch them eat. Then Awana's tonight which is always fun. So far a fabulous birthday week!

Sunday, March 8, 2009

A new shift

I waited two weeks to find out my schedule, and that was too long. It drove me crazy waiting and watching to see what would happen. I almost drove all the way to work (26 miles each way) just to see if I could get the schedule but after thinking about it I knew I wouldn't get to see it that day they probably wouldn't get to my number till fri. And the thur I was too sick to go to work so I called in. I don't know why I was so worried. All I could do was pick the schedules I wanted and put them in the order I wanted and wait and see. Well and lost of prayer of course. I went in on friday and I got a schedule of Sun Wed off working 2 - 11pm. At first I am a moment of fluster ran through me: I really wanted a 4X10 schedule. And then I realized this was my top pick after any of the 4X10 schedules so I really did get what I wanted. I am still kind of regretting the fact that I chose split days off but I had just got a call on Tue about needing extra help at Awana's, which Awana's was why I originally picked wed off so even better now that they need extra help. And now I not available really at all at nights because wed I am at awana's and then maybe on Sun nights but I babysit till (possibly) seven so that takes most of the night. But when I choose my days babysitting and Awana's is what I want to fill them with so it is worth it. Oh, plus now that I start after 2pm I get a shift differential which I hear comes out to about $100 a check. Which, I don't think I talk to much about money here, but it is really a good thing. I can really use the money just so I can get my bills paid every month. They have a shift differential on sundays of 35% but it just isn't worth the money to work on sunday. Money doesn't trump God or my sister (babysitting). So it could have been better but I am pretty happy with what I have. I am a little worried that I will get burned out with everything but prayer, prayer, prayer.

So this week is my spring break from school, and my birthday week. So I have tue through fri all off. My amazing friend Mylinda is taking me to a Rascal Flatts concert. Jessica Simpson is also headlining and I am not sure about that but eh, it will be fabulous. And then Adele who singings Chasing Pavements is also playing this week. So I think on Tue night I am going to go to that concert. She is from England and her opening band, The Script, is also from England. I looked up and they were pretty cool too. So that's exciting. Not exactly sure what else. A pedicure, catch a movie (I can't even remember the last one I watched), just relax but not stay cooped in the house all day for four days.

I was thinking about how I had been thinking of traveling this week. So I loooked up the weather in San Diego highs of 60 degrees all week, then I looked up Seattle highs of 50 degrees all week, Chicago highs of 40 degrees all week. And here in my lovely Phoenix, AZ highs of 80 degrees all week! Ah wonderful AZ. I was thinking of driving up to Pine to see my dad but it is usually so exhausting to drive for so long I am not sure I want to do that. Oh and I have never taken this car up there and I need new tires so probably not a good idea. I will have to try it sometime though, can't actually stay away forever scared my car will fall apart. Especially since I drive 75 mph all the time anyways so the difference will be the hills, shouldn't be too big of a deal.

I have never had a problem with my age until this year. I have never cared, feel free to ask me my age whatever. But I keep thinking about 27, it just feels so close to 30. And I try to tell myself its just another age and most of me knows that. But I don't know maybe its because I am going to school with a bunch of 18 and 19 years old but I feel so old. I know some people who read this are older than me but then you probably understand then. So I am still really excited about birthday like I am every year, this year I just say my age a little less. :)

Saturday, February 28, 2009

Pampered Chef - Part 2

So I was excited about my new Pampered Chef stone so I picked up a frozen pizza this evening for dinner. In an effort of full disclosure the first time I had cooked two of the Red Baron french bread pizza single things. This time I was cooking a full pizza. I heard a nose from my oven but figured it was nothing but then I continued to hear other noises so I went to take a look and this is what I found.












Every one said it is made to break in in three pieces, I suppose 5 pieces is pretty close considering at least it didn't shatter.





I didn't do anything weird, I don't know why it broke. The oven was at 425 and it had only been in their about 15 maybe 20 min. It has a warranty so I should be able to get a replacement. But it broke during the second use, what's up with that?

Friday, February 27, 2009

Sing-a-long

In the car I am always tuned to K-Love listening to my Christian music wherever I go. When you hear the same songs over and over you learn all the words. I am not afraid to admit it I always sing along in my, even if you are looking. So sometimes without even thinking about it I am singing along to a song I'm not even thinking about. Sometimes I catch myself singing along to a song and I stop and go 'wait, no I don't mean that!' Some Christian songs can be very personal and really touch you if you stop to listen. Today I was singing along with a Mercy Me song Bring the Rain. The words from the chorus go:

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus Bring the Rain

And all I can think is no, no more rain. Please stop, give me a break. So then in effort to not sing words I don't believe I try to not sing along but then I can't think about anything else. So I start singing along and when I sing the last couple of lines in my head I go 'please no' it was just silly. Obviously God knows the difference of me praying something and mindlessly singing along to a random song on the radio. But I have done it before, I have to like stop singing because I actually think about the words coming out of my mouth. How crazy is that that I don't even know what is coming out of my mouth sometimes. That just shows how much the music you listen to really does make a difference.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Side Effect

So a good friend was having a pampered chef party. I went because it was an excuss to hang out with friends but of course I bought some stuff. I have only heard amazing stuff about their products but the price kind of scared me off. But I bought I few things. I went with the large round stone, teaspoon measurers, a scoop (for cookies,) and an ice cream scoop.

I picked up my stuff yesterday but couldn't use my stone till this evening. You have to 'season' it first so I rinsed the stone (no soap allowed) then I coated it with vegetable oil per instructions and then cooked my frozen pizza. It came out perfect; cooked all the way through and perfectly crispy. There was one side effect. You know how when you deep fry something the air just fills with oil. It happened with this. I must have put too much oil on the board. I could feel it in the air as soon as I opened the oven. I went to church this evening and when I got home and opened the door it just hit me. So now I have my door open and fan running trying to air my house out. But I think it was worth, I feel so fancy having a learning curve with a kitchen product. I usually keep everything very easy in the kitchen.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Shift Bid, really?!

So I was writing this post last night. It was more of my whining about my bad week and stupid school and blah and then the 'surprise' shift bid at work and my aggravation. And I finished it and submitted it and then realized I wasn't online anymore. So I try to quickly copy my text but it doesn't work. And then I can't get back online. Sometimes that happens in the middle of the night; cox stops working for a few min or my air card needs reseting. But I tried those and they didn't work so I was able to run this network diagnostic and it said everything was working but no pages would come up. I tried resetting everything and tried it again. Everything said my internet should be working but no page would load. So I figured this was God stopping me from being all whiny again.

As I realize one more thing in my life that I have no control over. I realize even more continuing to get more and more angry just isn't working for me. So I am going to try to make little changes. I know I kind of said this before but here I am still. So I have come up with 3 steps to start with.

Step 1: Start reading my bible daily again. 
- I had done this for some time now but lately I stopped. There are few reasons why; the devotional I was using became a little frustrating and then because I keep staying up so late doing bible study when I only have a couple hours till school starts just doesn't happen. But I need to start that commitment again.

Step 2: More Prayer
- I get all frustrated with life and so what do I do, the same thing everyone does but blame God. And it is difficult to have an open conversation with God when you are mad at Him. But I know better and I should have increased amount of conversations not less.

Step 3: Regular Sleep
- This is going to be the hardest but may be the most important and will totally clash with step 1. MWF I get up at 7 for class, on Sun. up by 8 for church, and then on Tue, Thur, Sat I sleep in. And I think almost every night I am up till at least 2am sometimes as late/early as 4am. Although I don't get home till 11:45 four nights of the week due to work I think that a schedule can be made. And of course if I got up early on T,T,S and did homework then I wouldn't have an excuse to stay up so late all the time. It will be tough, I am such a night owl. But regular sleep can only help

So I will start with these three steps. The first two are pretty basic and the third, well, I got to take that one day at a time.

Friday, February 13, 2009

a day off

Disclosure: This is me being whiny and negative. But I don't believe censoring myself just because I know people are reading this. This is how I feel right now in these moments and not blogging won't change that fact.



All I know is what I am doing isn't working. I try to be positive, I try to remember the callers at work aren't actually mad at me just their life. I try to remember God isn't going to give me more than I can handle. But all I feel is a rage growing inside of me. I don't get angry but in the past few months I have been. I don't like it and I don't want it. It is so the opposite of what I want to be. 

In case I haven't mentioned it I work in a call center taking customer service calls for a cellular company. In the past month or so I have while on a call put them on mute and then making an emotional outburst that I wish I could say to the customer because they are making me so angry and they are being ridiculous but I would totally loose my job if I said. My co-workers all think it is pretty funny. But the last week I have even noticed that I have just gotten mad, and gotten mad a lot. I know I have a few more escalated calls because I said something in a bad tone and of course they don't have to take that, I wouldn't take it. The problem is its not like I mean to be mean I just don't seem to have a filter right now and my patients is very thin. 

Yesterday I had to transfer a call to sup. This time it really wasn't something I said I just couldn't explain to the woman so she could understand. And think at any other time I would have been able to stop and figure out a better way but instead I just kept getting frustrated with her and then she with me. So then I had to transfer, and I hate transferring to a sup because it points out I didn't do my job. So I was a little, i'd say forceful with the sup, so then the sup wanted to know who my sup was which is never a good sign. After the call she actually came over to see if everything was alright and let me know I was lucky have a job right now and then pretty much I need to just get over my bad day. On its own not a big deal I got the point. But then in two different conversation with separate people I was I kind of told I am getting a little to angry too often. They said it polite ways and even joking around. But that they actually stopped to say it, that just drove home the point even more. 

On April 16th I am eligable to move to a different department. And I do have to stay through the company through May 8th as I have to finish my classes or I will have to pay the company back (which would be almost $3500 for this semester.) So I keep holding on knowing my bills get paid I don't want to loose my home and they are paying for my school. 

School. For the last 8 1/2 years I have attended colleges off and on. I have about 40 credits but have taken and failed so many classes I could have a bachelors degree by now. I have dropped out of school three times before. I think it is just the balancing work, school, and other all together. For some reason I can't seem to do. Which is a very scary thought because how will I be able to handle kids and work if I can't handle school and work? More on that some other time. But I decided I could do it this time. I was taking classes I wanted and I had the motivation of paying back my company. And I was actually going to classes when for years I have only done online classes. But again I can't seem to keep everything together. So I run around with no sleep and get my assignments done last minute because there is just no time. This week I was doing so much better I got about half the work done on tuesday and wednesday and then stayed up last night finishing everything. I also had a test today that i had made flash cards for and had been studying since tuesday. 

So last night I spent an hour doing an assignment for english that was due today. Listed on the paper handed to us and in the syllabus it was due today. Then today in class he says, well I forgot to remind you so it will be due mon. Which is crazy because if I new it wasn't due till mon I would have spent an hour studying for my test or even sleeping. It wasn't fair, I guess half the class new it was due but decided not to do and then said they didn't realize it was due so he let it slide till mon. No, give me extra credit for having time. Brats!! Anyways I totally failed the test, I just know it. I had studied. It was just memorizing all this stuff my bib interp class. And then I get into class and I am looking at the paper and I can't think of anything, my mind went blank. There was one section I spent forever going over and over on and I think i came up with 2 out of the list of nine things. It was just so frustrating. And then half the test was observing a several verses. I felt like I couldn't find anything. They had to be there but for some reason I was again just blank. So now I failed this test and then last week in english I had turned in an essay and I totally got a D on it. I am no good at commas and colons and honestly I can't even point out the noun so pointing out the adjective clause followed by the noun is something I can't do either. And I know I have a list of people who are great at english and would be happy to proof read it including my sister in law who teaches high school english. But I would have to get the papers done early so I get it to them and I am lucky if I get them done on time for class. 

I feel like this was a huge mistake. I shouldn't have gone back. If I go through all of the pain and strife and then I fail the classes anyways. I don't think I could handle it. It's not like I am not trying I just, I don't know what I am doing wrong or how to fix it. I just feel so hopeless right now and I don't understand why God would want me to live this way. And if He doesn't then what did I miss because here I am. 

So knowing how angry I was at callers yesterday and the fact that I think sticking with it for school is pointless if I am just going to fail anyways I knew this was a bad combination. So I called in sick. Actually I hate doing that, I need to just work anyways just power through it, they pay me to work not just take days off. I even started driving to work and then pulled to the side of the road because everything in me was saying I shouldn't go in because with my current attitude. I would possibly do something stupid and get myself fired. And it was only my feeling of obligation not to let, i don't even know who, down by not showing up. So I called in, turned around and here I am. Sitting in the dark, telling people way too much information about myself, praying desperately that this is not what the rest of my life looks like. 

I do think some of this is due to the fact that in a month I will turn 27 and for some reason 27 seems so very close to 30. And I am eternally single and totally sad every time I see all of my friends beautiful baby pictures. I want babies, I want to be a mother and right now I feel like that may never happen. Like, I know it will, it has too. But right now I can't see it and I question if I would actually be good at it with my messy house and disorganized life and lack of ability to juggle work and school. The idea seems so distant right now and when I pictured 27 this wasn't it; single living my three cats working at a dead end job that I despise. I thought God had more for me, how did I miss it?


Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Biggest Loser

I was just watching tv and it turns out The Biggest Loser is coming to town to do interviews on March 7th. I could possibly get the day off work but that's not the biggest question. Would I be charismatic enough? I wouldn't mind quitting my job, if I left on good terms I could probably come back. I do have school until May 8th. They are only doing in person interviews through March 14th so it is likely they would start the taping before that. The average season is 15 weeks, which means season finally is on April 14th. But they do get 3 months at home before the season finally which is probably the trainers time off so do they start right after that. I did also hear a rumor that Bob and Jillian do seasons in Australia as well so it is kind of hard to say. I know I wouldn't give up school to go on the show but I would even give away my cats to give me the opportunity. And I have heard they pay very well, which if you have seen the show is why everyone goes along with the blatant adds for the sponsors. ... ok giving up my cats would be really hard, especially penny cause I would have her forever, but she is just a cat right. Sorry I just felt a little sad at the idea of losing her... I know I could always try out and leave the rest in God's hands. That's really how most life of works anyways. We will see. 

On a side note: I would totally choose Jillian. I know Bob's people seem to win because they are more about the game but I think it is Jillian's people who actually keep it off. And $250,000 would be awesome but actually loosing the weight priceless. How about you, Bob or Jillian?

Wednesday

So I had Tue off. I spent hours working on homework so I wouldn't have it to do on thur night so I can have plenty of sleep before school on Fri. Well last night I was watching tv and paying Sims, and in case you haven't played it is very addicting and you totally loose track of time. I think I actually got off the computer around 2:30am and then I still had to get ready for bed. Lets just say about 4 hours of sleep, probably a little less. I am not too tired today though, waking up was hard but now that I am off and going everything is good. 

School was good. Actually I think it was a little more fun than normal everyone just joking around and stuff. I think my english teacher is a little crazy with the amount of work he is assigning. Today, halfway through week 5, he finally gave us a syllabus. He has daily assignments, plus every 2 weeks a 5 research paper is due, and then all the while we are to be working on our final assignment. I don't know when I am going to find all the time that is going to be needed for this. But I will do what is needed, have to pass the class. My biblical interpretation class is better. We are going to have a paper due for the class but teacher is pretty cool about making sure he doesn't pile on too much work. Everything appears to be reasonably spaced out. Plenty of assignments but not nothing like english. Ok, enough whining. 

After class I headed over to CCV, Christ's Church of the Valley. They are having an exhibit that includes the Dead Sea Scrolls and then a history of the bible. My bib interp teacher had gone to see it a couple times and said we could get extra credit if we went. I have write a couple paragraphs about it and bring a pamphlet but I figured easy points. Plus I think that is totally cool that my extra credit is going to a church and looking at bibles and it doesn't cost anything to get in.

So when you go they actually give you a book, like the size of a magazine, that you can read while you go through. The information you actually need is actually printed on the walls next to the exhibits. So the wall has a paragraph and if you open up the book the first paragraph is the same and then another 2 or 3 paragraphs of further details. I have to be honest I don't really like history. And sometimes while I was walking through I would get to the end of a paragraph and have no idea what I had just read. But I did learn a lot of information. They have bibles throughout history showing first translations and how we went from sea scrolls to the King James version. In fact they actually have the copy of the bible that went to the moon so that was cool. Now here is the embarrassing part. I am going through I am taking my time, I think I was there an hour and a half, others though were only there for about a half hour. At one point they were talking about the switch from the Genevan bible to the King James bible. They were discussing him and how he commissioned a bible to be made. And it wasn't until it actually said, "he is most known for having a bible named after him." First reaction was 'what,' I had to like stop and look at the words 'King James Bible' and then look at his name 'King James' and next verbally out of my mouth was an 'Ohhhhh' I felt stupid saying it aloud because besides the classical music the room is pretty silent. I felt like an idiot. I have never stopped to think about the fact that the King James bible was named after a King James. I then ran through my head; NIV - New International Version that makes sense, NASB - New American Standard Bible that one makes sense too. I just think that is so weird I never thought of it. Though my bib interp class keeps doing that to me. I read a verse and I see something I would swear was not there before. There is this verse about Jesus bringing a girl back to life. In my class we are to read the NASB version. So Mark 5:42 says, "Immediately the girl got up and began to walk, for she was twelve years old. And immediately they were completely astounded." The verse says specifically the girl is twelve, now I have read this before and I would have sworn it didn't say that. So I thought maybe it was the version so I got up and checked my NIV and even a KJV and both have. Its a huge deal, so the girl was 12, but I just felt admit that I'd never seen it before. So that was a fun trip. I guess it will be there all month free of charge and their open all day 7 days a week so if you have time I recommend it. Especially if you like history. 

On a completely different note. I have discussed this with my sister before. The fact that people do discriminate against me for what can only say must be my weight. Now lately I have talked with several people lately who say I am not actually very fat or that big they don't know why I talk like I am. Now I admit yes I carry my weight well but I am 315 lbs, which is huge. Now I am not in a wheelchair but I have seen myself, I know the size of my close I am a big girl. It was a couple years ago and my sister thought that although were rude to me about my weight when I was kid, that kid stuff or high school. I explained it does happen, not often but every once in awhile. The one that sticks in my head the most was a small party I went to. A friend brought her newest boyfriend and he... well there is no other way to say it but refused to acknowledge me. This is actually the easiest way I know what is going on. But I hate to jump to conclusions. There were about 6 of us there he said hi to everyone, shook hands skipped right over me. That happens. He and friend were talking and I was sitting right there and I joined the conversion but every time I talked he would not acknowledge me even when I was talking directly to him. She would then like repeat what I said and there was an acknowledgment. Now his girlfriend probably a size 4, and the other girl in the conversion was about a size 12. He had never met the other girl either so it isn't he just didn't know me and new her, we had all just met. Later we were watching a movie and he some random question out loud. Knowing he wouldn't acknowledge me and just to see what he would do. I totally answered the question, loud enough for everyone to hear. He asks the question again, so someone else in the room repeats my answer and he thanks them! I just laughed it was just funny. I think someone even mentioned 'didn't angela just say that.' But whatever right, I didn't say anything to the girl I didn't think they would last and they didn't. No need to call the guy out on it, doesn't help anybody. The reason why I mention this is after the exhibit I went to lunch. I was trying to decide between Chili's and Chick-fil-a. I decided to go with Chili's, I had the time so I went with it. Turns out bad idea. My waiter I swear does not like fat people. I was kind of on the edge maybe just a bad day or something. But as I watched him wait on other tables it was true. I didn't know what to do. I kind of just wanted to leave because I am obviously making him uncomfortable that he doesn't want to spend any time at table, was barely there to take my order and said least amount of words possible (totally chatty with his other tables) and this was making me uncomfortable. But I had already ordered and I didn't order and leave that would be totally rude. He totally rushed me out the door, and I kind of let him because I didn't want to be there he was making me feel like I was a freak or something. And then I didn't know what to do with the tip. I didn't tell him he was doing anything wrong so should I really stiff him, so I gave him a ok tip. What is the protocol for something like this? Honestly I am kind of glad I handled it as I did just because I keep getting angry at people so much curse words have even left my lips. So I really didn't need to make a scene so I am glad I didn't. I just hate it. I mean, yes I ordered a bacon cheeseburger but so do like a lot of your customers so why do you need to look me like I am overeating. But I am happy that I know that the world is not like that. That I have friends that don't judge me on my weight. And I am appreciative of that. I think this is part of why I am so guarded with friends, so careful not to get hurt. To think that someone is your friend and that they don't care and then to find out later something said behind your back or while their so drunk they won't remember they told you how they really feel the next day. It's just frustrating. And I know, i know, why don't you just loose the weight. I wish was that easy, because somedays its just nothing I want to be.

I know I said I would be more positive. And generally I am, but sometimes life isn't all that positive and so I reflect that as well. So now I have about hour to get some more homework done before I head off to Awana's tonight.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

This and that

I always want to blog but I never have any time. And now that I have a little time I don't know what to blog about. Sometimes I think I should carry around a tape recorder so I can just say it when i feel it and then type it up later. But that would be totally weird. Though I would blog daily if I did that, though that may be way to much. 

I have come to love my tuesdays off as much as I used to love saturdays. I have Sundays, Tuesdays, and Wednesdays off. Sunday's I babysit all day so it never feels like a day off. Wednesday I have school in the morning and Awana's at my church at night. So Tuesday's have all day off. It is nice. The problem I have been having is I haven't been taking some of the time for homework. That was part of my original plan, having tue and wed off gives me the time I need to get my homework done. So the past couple weeks on thur nights after I get off work i stay up and do my homework. This just makes my friday's very long. So I made myself a list to do before bed on Wednesday. It is kind of nice because I don't seem to have any homework due on wednesdays; at least not at this point. 

So I went to my first Pampered Chef party this last weekend. I had only heard great things about them but that they were expensive. I don't really cook though. Sometime, but with my tiny kitchen it really deters me. So I went anyways and had lots of fun. I ordered a couple of items including a large pizza stone. I have been using some air sheets for pizza's and cookies and stuff but they are...actually I got them at my first job when I was 16 and worked at Lechters in PV mall. The store doesn't even exist anymore. So that was 10 years ago, about time I got a new cooking sheet. I was talking to a friend and told her I ordered one and she said she bought one once, used it once, her muffins stuck so she hasn't used it since. So that makes me a little nervous about using it. But I have a list of friends who use it regularly so I can always call them up if I have a problem. I ordered a couple other small things too, just small stuff. I am pretty excited. 




Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Attitude, calories, and school

I hate that every time I post everything is so negative. I don't want to be so angry. I even recognized it while I was posting on myspace, several of the posts are me being so mad at people. I don't think I am that angry but apparently I am if it is so consistently coming out on my posts. I think I need to try to remember to focus on the positives and not the negatives. That is so hard to do sometimes. It is easy to blame my parents, it is their fault because I learned it from them. But now I am older and can't sit in that excuse anymore. Well, I could but I want more than that for my life. 

I know saying it is one thing but doing this everyday is very difficult. It is changing my nature. But I see people who are positive most of the time and wish it was as easy for me as it looks for them. So step one try to make my posts a little more positive. Accentuate the good things in life not only the bad. 

So I am trying to eat healthier or maybe just less. I was trying to figure out how many calories I need to eat. I know they always say 1200 but because I am so overweight it is my understanding I should start higher so my body doesn't think it is starving. I checked out several sites and they all said at about 2000 cal a day I would loose weight. So I have been looking into what I can eat that will work with my crazy schedule. One thing I looked at was the Special K challenge. Did you know if you follow that you will eat aprox 1000 cal a day. No wonder they say you will loose weight. So I went shopping and found some good food. And I found a free site I can track my food on. Yesterday I tracked what I ate and I think 2000 cal is a lot of food. But I don't understand if 2000 cal is more than I normally eat then why am I already not loosing weight? Maybe it is the type of food that I eat. I will continue to watch and track my eating. I haven't yet started exercising yet but one thing at a time. 

School is going fine so far. Last friday I had an essay due which I waited to do till Thursday night, that wasn't the best idea. I ended up with 2 hrs of sleep for friday. I stayed caffeinated and didn't have too much of problem. Yesterday I had an assignment for my bib interp class which I did all wrong. I didn't know it was wrong till I went to turn it in and my homework didn't look like everyone else's. But just one assignment and now I will pay much more attention to the instructions on future assignments. The teachers are both pretty cool so that makes class good. 

I seem to have run into a problem with getting the tuition paid though. I had mentioned that my company is paying for the tuition and then I have to pay the extra fees. They wanted me to pay the fees by the 31st. I have been working overtime last week and this week so I will be able to pay it on the 6th. Hopefully that will be ok. And then I found out it takes 30 days for the tuition to be paid. I don't know why it takes so long since the classes and tuition was already approved doesn't a check just need to be cut. My concern is 30 days would be feb 15th and then if they only mail a check at that point it be another week till they get it. I guess I need to talk to the school again about this now that I know a little more. I am just worried it won't be ok, but there isn't anything else I can do. I don't have the money now. But I really think God wants me here so I think it will work out. 

Time to go to work - I have 4 hours of overtime. 

Sunday, January 25, 2009

At what cost

It is 3am and I was totally going to post about how angry I am about work. And how I wish I never ever had to go back but have to because for whatever reason I seem to be stuck here. And then my stupid computer took 30 min to be totally annoying (I actually blame cox for not working in the middle of the night and less blame on my computer) and now I am tired and just want to sleep. 

I can say though, this schedule is really messing me up and I only just finished week two of 16. I don't know how I am going to get through this. This school thing was totally a bad idea. And after today at work I am just so wound up I don't even know how to get it all out of me, this...I don't know, immense anger that I feel helpless to get away from a job that makes me feel awful. Even worse is I am totally blaming God. All I can do is plead for understanding as to why I am here, why I have to continue at this company. But there is no answer. Well maybe a 'You'll see' but I fell for that before, now I have been there six months make it better. I know six months sounds short but when every day you wake up thinking how much you absolutely hate your job and then have to just push it to the side and go on with your day because there are bills to pay. There has to be more to life than this. I can't actually spend the next fifty years going to a job I despise. But I have looked, the options aren't good. So I sit and listen to my boss tell me how much I suck for an hour even though overall my stats are great compared to my teammates and the one spot I did improve like he wanted he doesn't even mention, because of course now it isn't bad and we have to spend an entire hour telling me how awful I am and 'you could be so much better.' As it turns out I am not perfect and your stupid stats are ridiculous anyways so I don't know how anyone meets them all. Oh wait, to date I have not met anyone that has been able to get all the stats perfect. But apparently my boss is going to try to make me the first. In his condescending, talking to me like I am an idiot, not listening to a word I say, totally negative but expecting me to come back with an 'of course I will, anything you say, it will be perfect next week' attitude. You told me what a horrible employee I am, I am not going to then spew roses at you. That just doesn't make any sense. 

I know, I said I was going to sleep. And I also know I could probably be written up for writing this is if my boss read it. But right now, I don't care. I mean hey if I got fired I would probably loose my home but at least I would go home furious and crying all the time.