And so I give up, I have said it before I know I have. But how can I keep doing this. In a couple months my company is going to come to me and ask me for the $3400 I took for school. For classes that I have now dropped out of. They will ask me for a payment plan. The problem with that is I live pay check to pay check. I have no money to pay them. I make good money, I do but I pay for the price for it and I hate it. I make just enough to pay back the debt that I have and pay for this stupid house that I resent now. I was doing the 'right thing' I was investing. I even got a good deal on the house. And now they keep increasing the HOA fees and I can't afford it and I can't sell it, wouldn't break even with what I currently owe. So I spent 5 years working my ass off to get the payments made and now I am supposed to do what? Give it away and ruin my credit in the process.
I don't understand. What am I supposed to do? All I can see is being one of those people you see at the retail store, a cashier for the next 40 years. I have always looked at the 40 and 50 year old women and that is all they have done. At what point do you realize that you were not meant for anything more than an $8 an hour job. How do you realize you will be working with high schoolers for the rest of your life because that was all you were destined for. Really what I don't understand is how God decides that. How does He say 'This girl will dream big and will desire much and yes some for herself but her mother will teacher her to be selfless and her dreams will be for others and she will be generous with her money and time but instead she will not full fill her dreams instead she will suffer and be nothing important. She will watch others pass her by while she accomplishes nothing. She will try to free herself from this time and time again but will never succeed.'
Turns out I am not talking to God right now. Honestly it feels like He stopped talking to me more than a year ago. I keep trying get Him to talk to me. I would do everything He wanted of me I studying my bible every day and always praying and giving of my time and money and keeping my thought pure and I would sit and try to listen and yet nothing. I even want to SWC to try an please Him thinking this must be what He wants and yet nothing. I feel like everyday for a very long time I have run to his lap to sit an listen to Him and I sit there for hours and I can see He is speaking to others but I can not hear Him. And I don't understand and I beg and plead and yet He does not speak to me, He does not fill my cup. I am tired of going to Him to be ignored. I have tried everything I know and I don't understand. I just want to please Him, I just want to do His will. I don't understand what I have done so wrong.