Random Thoughts

Below are some totally random thoughts that just keep running through my head. I want to tell someone about them. Get them out of me so that maybe they will stop being so annoying. So are clear and others are not. And at least one I am so not going into details on even though I am sure you are curious. :)

1. I never cared about my age until now. I work with a bunch of 18-22 year olds. Many of them with college degree's. I am actually embarrassed to say my age. I know intellectually that is stupid and am trying to ignore age. It is mostly working.

2. I thought I loved him, convinced myself I could never marry him and it wouldn't work, but then I realized today I still think about him every day even though I haven't seen or talked to him in months. I wish I had more relationship experience to know the difference between love and lust/loneliness.

3. The girl I didn't like at work (she is totally lazy) quit. I was concerned it was partially my fault but knowing my boss agrees she is a bad worker makes me feel better. She called in to work today saying "she didn't feel like making the drive so she wasn't coming in." Why give 2 weeks notice if you aren't actually going to show up. What good work ethic!

4. I love both of my jobs. But it feels like I am working some non-ending work week. I work M-F for like 4-6 hrs a day. And then on weekends I babysit for like 8-10 hrs each day. The weekends are very easy, just sitting around my sisters house making sure my nephews don't die but it's still not an actual day off. And I sleep in during the week and am up early on weekends, my brain is confused. I "should" switch to wake at the same time every day but I am a night person, I do not like mornings so for now I think I will leave it.

5. I realized that my body doesn't fit me. At work I am always running around with the kids, playing games, picking up stuff, rushing around. Some kid gets hurt on the other side of the playground and I run to them. But after 3 hrs of this I am exhausted, actually after like 2 hrs. I hit 5 pm and I catch myself just zoning out. Same with my nephew, the 2 year old loves to just run back and forth in the backyard but I love to do it with him but my body just stops after so long. I don't usually tell people this but I can often picture myself running. When I am anxious I just want to run, but I know that I couldn't go far and so I push the idea away thinking "maybe one day." I wish I had enough will power to get the body my subconscious already thinks I should have.

6. Started taking happy pills, they really help. I am much happier now. I also now take melatonin so I am able to fall asleep which is also very helpful. I am drinking a lot less caffeine due to this.

7. Finally read the Twilight series. I loved the movie and then when I read the books I became obsessed with them. I couldn't read them fast enough. And just ask my roommates, I was very engrossed in the books, often yelling at books. It was pretty funny, but also sad. I so need a love life. At the same time I also watched the True Blood HBO series. It is the same type thing but a lot more blood and sex. The main characters are very alike, watching and reading them at the same time was interesting.

8. My 10 year old nephew told me I should try eHarmony. It stemmed from a conversation about me not having kids but wanting them. He really meant it in the most sweetest way but when you get dating advice from your 10 year old nephew...its just weird.

9. I have to wear a watch for work. But I spend like 1 1/2 outside everyday at work. So I am starting to get a watch line on my wrist. I find this annoying as I only wear the watch for work.

10. I need to go to the dentist. I have at least 2 teeth that are killing me right now. I have no insurance but the pain while eating is really annoying. I was hoping the pain was going to stop but it has been like a week and it hasn't. Need to stop by my brothers dentist and see what this might cost me out of pocket.

11. Sometimes I am so content and happy that I forget that I am living in my dad's house, totally miss my condo, and am totally broke. In those moments I just take a deep breath and enjoy. Then I remember I can not live like this forever and have no idea how I am going to fix this.

12. I really wish I could have gone to the Women of Faith tour again this year. It was so amazing last year, but sometimes life doesn't work out that way.

13. I love to volunteer, and help out, and working with kids. I really do. But there is this one tiny part of my brain that really does think that if I just do enough good that God will have to bless me. That I will hit some unknown quota and then He will truly bless me; husband, kids, financial stability, not crazy, a different body. I know better and wish I didn't think this way.

14. I miss my mom.

15. I have started getting headaches. I keep thinking it is dehydration because I am so much more active now. But I drink a lot of water. And normally if that was it I could just drink a good 12-16 oz and be good but lately it just stays all day. I don't like taking pain meds, I think the pain is your body telling you something. I don't know what is wrong though. I need to figure this out before they get worse.

Silver lining

I have been happy lately, like actually happy. I don't think I have blogged about my new job. I now work part time for a private charter school helping during lunch and after school with preschool kids. It works perfect because I am not a morning person and I don't have to be there till 11:30 and then I get off by 6pm (usually 5:30) which gives me my evenings. It pays decent and I love the kids. It is great. I do have this two hour break in the middle, lunch is from 11:30 to 1 and then after school is 3 - 6. I live about 15 min away so I have decided to stay in the break room and read. I have been getting a little antsy during this two hours but I have also been reading a boring biography so that hasn't helped. I switch to a new book tomorrow so that should be better. I haven't read the Twilight series and have been told it is a must read.

So I don't know if it is the job and knowing I can pay my bills or actually I have started taking my "happy" pills again which helps mellow my high and low moods. My bet is on the pills. But either way I love being happy, its nice.

Anyways, today I was driving to work and I always drive with the windows down except if I am on the freeway or the heat is just too bad. So my window was down and I went to put it up when I got to the freeway, it did not go up. It made the noises but no movement. I was so mad!! See you probably know this but in case you don't or to refresh your memory. I had a car I bought in 2000 when it was 2 years old, it was a '98 Nissan Sentra. I was 18 and it was my baby. Then I totaled the car, had no money and with what the insurance paid to me I could only afford '95 Nissan Sentra, 3 years older but this new one was automatic and had power windows neither of which the old car had. The car is a clunker. It has some part wrong that isn't "life threatening" (which is required with the lemon law) but it does mean my check engine light is always on. Also the front passenger window does not go down, but I knew that when I bought it. Since then the internal light went out, my right speaker went out, the ac only works sometimes and often stalls the car when being used, and although all tires have great tread 1 likes to go flat needing to be filled every 2 weeks, a second goes flat over 1 month period and the spare tire doesn't hold air at all. Which would be fine if I had some sort of expendable cash to fix them but I don't so I just deal with it.

So when the window went down and wouldn't go up I was so mad. I wanted to just scream!! I hate this stupid car! But instead I took a breath and was happy it was just a window and not a tire blowing out or my engine failing. The car works, the doors work that is all that I need. I decided to ignore it. I tried to look up info online about how I could fix it or the cost. It appears to be at least $200 and the details were very lengthy so I couldn't do it on my own. I was sitting here watching tv and I start to hear the wind blow, I go to the window and I can smell the rain coming. I can't leave the window down, my car will be soaked. I don't know what to do, find plastic I guess to cover the window, but what do I use. But somehow (praise the Lord) I was clear headed enough to not freak out and just stopped, walked over to my brother and told the situation and asked for help. He goes, "The window won't move? Pull it into the light for me and I will see what I can do." It is like 10:30 at night he is not only in the middle of a movie but also working on a painting and he just stops and helps me pull apart my car to fix the window. It turned out he just had to remove 8 screws partially pull off the inside of the door and then we were able to pull up the window. I am so happy!!! I don't need the window to work, I need my car to be dry.

But this just reminds how much I blessed to have a car that works and more importantly a family that really loves me. I always take them for granted but especially in the last several months while I felt like world was crashing down on me they have all been there to help hold up the walls while I got to my feet. I don't know why I have always taken them for granted or I don't know... not realized that they are there for me when I need them. So family, if you read this. Thanks! Thank you for being awesome when I sometimes go totally crazy and can't think straight. Thanks for just being there for me you all rock!