About Me

Hi, my name is Angela and welcome to my blog. This is a place where I write about my life in an honest and open way.

I am 34 years old, single, and a Christian. God gave me a heart to work with children and so I spend my day teaching kindergarten. It is my fourth year teaching and although it is hard I love it. I currently go to a college for my BA in Elementary Education which keeps me busy. Between work and school there is not much time left but I enjoy serving and helping others, watching netflix, or reading a good book.


Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Just the Facts

Sunday:

  •   Church - need more volunteers planning ways to find some
  •   50 Shades of Grey - This book is very adult, I know a lot about sex but I even learned new things. The story was good and I plan to read the other two when I can. 
  •   True Blood - The season started slow but looks like fun things are planned. Love comparing the episodes to the books.


Monday:

  •   Work - Boring. Made a decision and didn't chicken out about talking to the Principle about it. Feeling confident in taking a easier position even if it is a few less hours. I like the idea of working on homework while at work. 
  •   Dog Sitting - For my Aunt while she is out of town. Two dogs that look alike but totally different attitudes.
  •   Church meeting - Not ready to talk about this here yet.
  •   Home - Tried to do homework and spent an hour on pinterest. 
  •   Denny's - Finished my business management class. Glad I checked my rubric as it asked for several things that were not even mentioned anywhere else. Had lots of fun with the staff and an interesting encounter with a very drunk man.



Other:

  •   My Summer II classes start Monday, I got access to them today. I was wrong and my three classes are one month each not one week each, not sure what I was thinking. My financial aid still hasn't gone through so I am worried I will get dropped. Went in and agreed to the syllabus hoping that might help them not drop me till the paperwork goes through.
  •   Still haven't looked for a job. Kind of trying to avoid it, I seem to be a little scared about the whole process. Know I need to start getting my resume out. Looking for a morning/early afternoon job, hopefully about 18 hours a week if you know of any. Pretty flexible with what kind of job.
  •   Not sleeping well. It is already 4:30 am and have work at noon tomorrow.
  •   Only six days till I fly out to see my sister! And my eldest nephew is flying back with me so he can visit some friends for a couple weeks before he has to actually get a job. I am excited he is coming out but I don't know that I will see him much since he will be crashing at friends places mostly. 
  • Now time for sleep. 

Sunday, June 24, 2012

Saturday Service

Today. (Heavy breath out.) I made through. I did not wake up and help my friend. I totally suck, I hate myself for it. Well only a little since I know that she will forgive me for it. Instead I slept till 1 pm. I showered, ate cereal, and then spent probably two hours on Pinterest. I played a little Pocket Planes on my iphone and then off to church.

We had lots and lots of greeting and meeting people time today which multiple people asked me how I was doing and you know what, I was honest. "Not good." If they asked further I would explain how my hours were cut and that I have to do a job search now. This is good, it means people are praying for me. Saturday night sermon's are still about Revelations. Tonight we were on chapters 15 and 16 which list seven more plagues. As we have in the past we focused on the words that were spoken. One part that stuck with me was Rev 16: 4-7. The third bowl poured out which turned all rivers and springs to blood and the angel who poured it out said, "Righteous are You, who are and who were, O Holy One because You judged these things;...They deserve it." Then in response John hears the alter saying, "Yes, O Lord God, the Almighty, true and righteous are your judgments."

My pastor focused on this part, at least this is what most stuck out to me. He talked about how this judgement that would cause so much harm to the world the angel stopped to say that it was a righteous judgement. Then the alter (not sure who this is,) agrees that it is true and righteous judgement. How can something so painful be so true and just? My pastor referred to Daniel 9:24 that says that all iniquities will be brought to justice. All wrongs will be righted. He thinks that when we are in heaven we will understand everything and with that why everything in our lives had to happen the way it did. That the pain and suffering and things we just don't understand why God would let happen all has purpose. All is tied to his complete plan and that one day when we are standing before Him we will understand it all.

I have been focusing on the verse Jeremiah 29:11 - For I know the plans that I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope. So what my pastor was saying is something I know and have been reminding myself, that he has a plan. But hadn't put the other part with it, that God would show me why. Why I have suffered and gone through so much pain in my life. It also reminds me that I need to seek His reason for these changes at work. And that even if I don't know why He knows why and I have to trust Him.

I finished up the night at Denny's. I did my final for my critical reading class so it is done a week in advance. Which is awesome. I still have a few things to work on for my final project for my business management class but hope to have it done by Wednesday, not due till next Saturday. I did not look for a job today but I know that I need to.

Saturday, June 23, 2012

More Changes

I am feeling conflicted. I want to stay up late doing nothing. Sleep in tomorrow and then read "Fifty Shades of Grey" that has magically appeared in my living room. But tomorrow my friend is moving, she is moving 63 miles away, that is an hour and a half drive. I want to help, I really do, but waking up very early to try to beat the heat does not sound like fun. In fact I don't know if it is even possible since I have been sleeping in lately. But she is my friend and that is what friends do. So after I type this I will be off to bed.

***

I work for a school and schools use contracts. Yesterday I was handed this years contract to look over and sign. It is pretty basic, thanks for staying with us another year, these are your hours for the summer and these are your hours for next school year, yada yada. Something seemed off so I read through it again. This time I noticed it, some of my hours were missing. I mentioned it to my manager who was sitting in the room with me. She kind of mumbled something or other and said I should call the manager in charge of those other hours. The hours I was missing are for an hour and a half everyday helping with preschool lunch duty. I knew it was a different department but it has always been part of my contract. Although I hoped that it was a mistake I knew something was up. This morning I found out that that part of my job was cut as part of their budget cuts. So my hours go from 28 hours to 20 hours nearly a third of my hours are gone. What makes me the most upset is that if I had not read my contract and personally noticed this change and then insisted on having a reason who knows when they would have told me. Would they have waited till the first day of school when I show up for lunch duty?!

I have to get another job. I am living paycheck to paycheck right now and there is no way I can loose a third of my income. So then the question becomes do I stay there with those 20 hours and get another part time job or do I try to find something full time and just leave. I have to consider that I am still in school and that I need somewhere to do my seventy hours of observation and student teaching. I think my next step is to make sure that they will allow me to do the seventy hours there before I do anything else.

It is just so frustrating because no idea what my next step should be. I am praying about it but not as much as I should be. So now all I want to do is eat to numb the pain of everything. Hide away in my room and not talk to anyone. Today at work I tried not to talk to any of the adults. I wanted to throw blame around at people but of course that would do not good so I just stayed quiet. Honestly all I can think about is going out to see my sister. I don't want to wait another week to fly out there, I want to go right now. Though that is probably just another form of running away from my problems.

So there it is. My life continuing to fall apart and me refusing to cry because I know it won't help.

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

little sleep, rash, and school

Hello again, I just realized it has been a few days since I posted so I thought that I should since I have a few minutes before work. Not much going on. I had told you I went back to regular eating and well that also means that I have found myself at Denny's a few times already. At first I tried to stay away from caffeine but I did succumb to it and am back on caffeine again. Why is that so hard to stay away from?

I am happy to say that I have still been eating fairly well and not overeating. Ok, last night I did overeat a little bit but recognized it and stopped myself so that is good. My weight went right back up to 278 range within two days of stopping the Daniel Fast so I think it was just water weight maybe? I am not sure. I am still not exercising but thinking about it more often about how much I should be exercising. I also did not go to my Monday Holy Yoga class. I keep getting so frustrated about not being able to do many of the moves I felt like I didn't want that frustration.

I do have a confession, in the past week I have been staying up very late. Like last night I got home from Denny's at 3:30 am and went straight to bed. I am also making myself get up in the mornings to do homework. I have done this in the past sleep deprivation as a type of personal torture. I figure it must be better then other things I could be doing to myself but still not smart. I think the first step is recognizing it and trying to do better. I think it has to do with depression due to work. My boss isn't talking to me, unless she has to. My new manager found out about what I said in my blog, all the truth heard first hand, and is upset with me which she doesn't really start till next week so I haven't seen her but have been told. The fun part is someone who regularly reads my blog told her what I said. Which makes me curious who at work reads my blog. So the whole situation makes me anxious.

So I have this neckless that is this little heart that says mom on one side and then her name and date of death on the other. So on Sunday and Monday I wore it, being the anniversary of her death. I would probably still be wearing it but my neck has broken out into a rash. I have never reacted to metal before but always wear sterling silver or stainless steal, which I thought this was but I suspect now that the person on etsy was lying and bought a cheaper metal. So now I am just kind of waiting for it to go away. I don't really know what to do to treat it but figure my body will heal it eventually.

My summer one session ends next week. I am trying to get everything done early because I am now a little scared about my next semesters classes. I have a class that is three credits but broken into three parts each one credit and each one week. I planned two for the first week of July. I have that week off from work and will be visiting my sister all that week. She will have homework to do as well so I figured no big deal. Plus the classes are on safety and first aid stuff so not extremely hard. But now I am starting to worry that I won't be able to complete it all. I mean I am going out there to spend time with my nephews what if they are too distracting and I don't finish on time. So now I want to finish my current classes early because we always get access to classes a week in advance so I figure if I finish these classes early then I can start working on those two classes early. I am pretty good about calming myself down about this. But all of that quickly runs through my head before I can stop and take a breath and remind myself that I can do it.

So there you have it. All the things that are running through my head lately. I know it is a lot which is part of why I never seem to have time to stop and post here. That and by the time I am heading to bed it is so early in the morning I am ready to just crash. Hopefully next time I post I will be a little more in control but probably not.

Sunday, June 17, 2012

Content Again

Good Morning all of my lovely readers. It is one am so it is officially June 17th. Today is an interesting day for my family. Yes, fathers day. But for my family it is more than that. Today my eldest nephew turns 18! Today is also the 10 year anniversary of my mother's death. Ten years ago, early in the morning I was awoken by my dad to find out that my mother had a heart attack and she wasn't going to make it. Ten years seems like a long time but you never forget loosing someone that is so close to you. Mother's day, for me, passes by mostly unnoticed. I think more about how I wish I was a mother then wishing my mother was around to celebrate with. On other holiday's like Thanksgiving or Christmas I miss her but it is the moments in between, the times when you just need a mom. But even with all that being remembered today, it is also a day of rejoicing for my nephews day of birth. He is an amazing young man and I think God has great things in store for him.


***
I made it six and a half days on my fast. It has been a great week and I am surprised by how well I did during this time. This evening I decided to go to Denny's for a hamburger. I just kind of felt like..I don't, that it was ok to stop. This evening at my Saturday night service it was the end of the service, mostly about being a dad and all about being a parent so I had trouble relating. But at the end we did communion, taking bread (matza) and a cup (grape juice) in remembrance of the Lord's sacrifice, before I took it I was praying about continuing the Daniel Fast. I was feeling all day kind of on the edge about it, I could continue but does God want me too. So I was praying about that and then as I was about to take the cup I realized that grape juice is not part of the Daniel Fast; grapes are but this is sugary grape juice. I literally laughed out loud. It was so silly, do I not take communion because of the fast one that I am not even sure I should continue or not. I did take the drink and the bread.

On the way out the door of church, they always have a little snack to encourage a community feel of hanging out together. Tonight they had Hostess products and the Twinkie looked good but I passed it up still undecided. I even went shopping making all choices that fall under the Daniel fast still unsure about it all. In the end I felt that me being so unsure was a sign that I was not fully committed.

This week I plan to continue to eat all of the healthy foods I have in my home. I am grateful for the week I spent eating carefully and making smart choices. It really showed me that with God I really can accomplish this goal of getting to a healthier weight. As of last night I had gone from 281 to 271, a 10 lb drop. After eating just a hamburger and fries tonight I am up to 276. I had a feeling that part of the weight was water weight because my waist line only changed a tiny bit not as much as really being down to 271 would have gotten me.

Tomorrow, rather today, is a busy day. I have church all morning, then I am going to be watching my aunt's dog so I am going to go get the run down from her, then my best friend is moving next weekend and she will be nearly an hour and a half away so we are getting together before distance separates us. Then home to probably work on a little more homework. I am ahead but I want to stay that way with only two weeks left in this semester.

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Cravings

Tonight has been hard. Every Wed for months I have gone to Denny's to do homework. But this wednesday I stayed at home. I still had homework to do so I sat at the kitchen table and tried to do. But I just kept thinking about food. Specifically the ice cream options. I wanted a banana split or a sundae. I want them so much I can remember the taste and the texture on my tongue as I eat it. Then I remind myself that I am not actually hungry. I think of eating other food to distract myself but the reality is I am not hungry, I have eaten enough. This does not stop the cravings.

I managed to finish one of my two assignments and then waste an hour or two on pinterest. Now I am headed off to bed. But the craving is still there. I didn't want to take out my contacts in case I changed my mind and became weak enough to go out. The cravings were bad enough that I didn't really care what. I could go to QT for some donuts or my local Fry's and find some sugary filled food. I realize that this habit of going to Denny's is something I need to learn to break. I didn't have to take pain pills today because my caffeine headache was finally gone. I am loosing weight and my pants are already feeling looser. And it is not like I am starving myself, not at all. When I want to eat I am eating something healthy or natural instead of whatever processed or sugary food I am craving or is at hand. I never go hungry. I don't feel like I am eating enough calories but that is why I am listening to my body and not tracking calories. I am sure that my body knows better then an app on my smartphone.

So day four was a success. I feel like I still have forever to go but try to remember that four days so far is awesome. I can not say this is bringing me closer to God like a full fast from food would. In that type of fast when you feel hunger pains you stop and pray. Your body becomes weak and you have to rely on God to get you through. With this I eat when I am hungry. When I want something else I remind myself of why I am doing this, a commitment to God, but I don't find myself stopping to pray for support. I have seventeen more days to work on this though.

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Banana's Yum

Hello there. Here is a quick post just to update you on how life is going today.

I started my day with a smoothie; milk (soy,) ice and 2 banana's. Yum.

I packed lots of things in case I got hungry at work I would have no excuses.

I ended up eating my strawberries and grapes for a snack. I was hungry again before work was done but I was alone with kids so I couldn't leave the room and I had left my goodies in another room. I won't make that mistake again. :) I did manage to avoid the temptation of wheat thins that were available to me.



When I got home I had a little bit before yoga class so I grabbed a container of peanuts and munched away.



After yoga I had a large bowl of multi-grain cheerios. (I forgot to take a picture.) 

Of note I have been on advil all day. I woke up with a headache and about every six hours or so I start feeling the pain again. I assume it is from the caffeine withdraw which means it will last another day. My stomach was upset after work and I had a bit of diarrhea. I searched online and it said too much fruit not enough whole grains, which is why I ate cereal after yoga. I also stopped and got more veg and now have carrots, tomatoes, and bell pepper. The store I stopped at was out of cucumber, sad since it is my favorite. 

As an update my 21 days started on Sunday so seeing that it is now 12:35 and Tuesday, I only have 19 more days to make it through. I also wanted to mention that I picked 21 days because that was how long Daniel's fast in chapter 10 was. But also from Sunday I had exactly 21 days till I fly out to see my sister again. It seemed to be the perfect amount of days. 

Today I did not spend as much time with God as I wanted to. I always push God aside for the stupidest things. Tomorrow I am setting aside specific times, appointments, with God. 

Sunday, June 10, 2012

Hope - Daniel Fast

I sit here unsure of what I want to post, rather if I want to post. I am again starting something new. I know that my plans and ideas fail more then they succeed and putting that here for you to read is hard. But then I remind myself that the only thing I promise on this blog is the truth and so here it is.

As I have mentioned I have been struggling with my relationship with God. At the Saturday night service I attended I realized two things.

1. Although I have been talking to God about casual things I have not had an intimate conversation with Him in a long time. I had taken a step back in our relationship and now I am feeling lonely and miss this closeness.

2. I have lost my hope. I see nothing in my future that tells me that anything is going to get any better. I have no hope for a better future here on earth. I had been holding on so tight to the idea of this promotion. Like if I had gotten the job then all of this suffering would make a little more sense. So knowing that God said I wouldn't get it I still held on as tight as I could to this little piece of hope for a better future. So when I realized it wasn't going to happen everything came crashing; including tears that I could not seem to control while at work.

My pastor talked about how any believer should have hope as we all have heaven to look forward to. I don't like that answer. I need hope for now, for this life not the next. If my only hope is in the next life then why live another day in this one? No, I don't know how that can be right.

But I prayed. I prayed over and over again for hope. That God would show me that I have something to hope for. That there is more then this.


Even knowing that this may be the missing link. Part of why I have pulled away from God I still need to grow closer to Him again. Fasting has been on my mind since I heard my pastor mention it when I listened to last weeks sermon. I have never fasted not knowing that that was exactly what God was asking me to do. Instead I am just taking a leap of faith that a fast will help me hear God better. The idea that kept repeating in my head was the Daniel fast. When Daniel was being trained to work for the King he got permission to only eat vegetables and water instead of the kings choice foods that were being offered. Later in Daniel 10 he goes on a 21 day fast and this time he was specifically fasting from any pleasant bread, meats and wine. One version says from any 'tasty food.' I had never done this before but people compare it to vegan but stricter.

I did my research and commonly a person can eat as much as they want but of only certain things. Vegetables, fruit, nuts, legumes, herbs, and whole grains. Though the whole grains may not have yeast or leavening in it. Everyone seems to agree that you may only drink plain water as the point is to fast from pleasurable items.

Saturday night I had babysat till 2:30 am and then instead of going to bed I stopped at Denny's because I hadn't eaten in eight hours. I ate a chicken quesadilla, chicken strips, and a banana split. My stomach has not been happy all day! I went home around five am and got about two hours of sleep before heading to church. As I was running out the door I wasn't thinking about the Daniel fast and so I just grabbed a Fiber One bar and a V8 Fusion. During church I decided I should give this a try. So after church I went shopping.

The plan is to do the Daniel fast for 21 days. Honestly I think I would be ecstatic if I made it 7 days. I can tell you it was hard not stopping at Denny's on the way home from babysitting this evening. Though I had spent all my money on fresh fruit and veg so that made it a little easier. My fridge and pantry are now stocked with watermelon, banana's, grapes, strawberries, salad, broccoli, peanuts, almonds, soy milk, multi-grain cheerios (technically cheating,) and lots of cans of V8 Fusion to drink. I cleaned and divided fruit and veg and even seperated the nuts and cereal so that they are ready to go when I need something to eat. I am going cold turkey off from caffeine, which means the next two days are going to suck.

Today this seems easy to say that I will do it but that is because my stomach has been upset with me all day for eating poorly. But in a couple days when I am tired of fruit, veg, and nuts? Well I guess I will mix things up then. I can have matza and peanut butter. How about some lentils, those can be good. Plus I have the soy milk and cereal to fall back on. Both are not really on the list but kind of since soy and whole grains are allowed.

If I loose weight doing this great but it's not my goal. My goal is to spend thinking and meditating on God. Spending more time reading His word. I have been free writing my prayers and that has been working well. So far on random pieces of paper so I need to choose a journal from my book shelves to use instead. I did weigh myself this evening and I am up to 281. This is the highest I have been in a long time, many months. But honestly the fit of my clothes doesn't even matter to me right now. My relationship with God trumps size of my pants.

I will keep you updated as time goes on. I had been thinking of tracking my calories to make sure I am eating enough but have decided to rely on my body and God to tell me when I need to eat. Like now, I think I might go and drink a glass of milk to fill my hungry belly before I sleep.

Saturday, June 9, 2012

Upsetting News

So I was told today that I did not get the job. I was told that they wanted someone with education. Now I knew God had said no to the promotion. It was still frustrating but I knew the answer already so, okay fine. The problem is the girl that they are hiring instead. The girl did not even want the job. It is my understanding she had told the principal she was willing to apply for any open position. In fact she had declined taking this very same job three years ago and everyone knows she prefers high school kids and this job is mainly preschool and elementary age kids. Worse is that we do not work well together.

I had the feeling the last few days that she was being offered the job so I have been trying to acclimate myself to this idea but the idea is just difficult. I don't know how this is going to work. I feel like I am supposed to stay, it is the smartest decision for completing my college classes. But it is going to be hard. Prayer lots of prayer. Today at work I was feeling it again that she was going to get the job, feeling frustrated so while the kids watched a movie I sat there and wrote. I filled a full page in tiny writing just pouring out my feelings and frustrations. I don't know that it really helped, maybe temporarily.

When I was first told I tried to stay strong but as the afternoon progressed I would notice tears just pouring from my eyes. I would walk away from the kids and dry my tears. When I got home I didn't want to talk to anyone. I laid down in my bed and listened to last weeks sermon I had missed while I was out of town. You will never guess what it was about. Prayer! We are studying Revelations and we are on chapter 8 and talking about the seven seals. After the seventh seal is opened there is a half hour of silence but that does not mean heaven is lacking in activity. It says that the prayers of the saints caused thunder, rumbling, earthquakes and lightning. My pastor takes that to say that prayers do not go unheard in heaven. It was very encouraging. He spoke of how he even struggles sometimes feeling connected to God with His prayers and recently found he was praying not as God wanted him to so when he started praying as God wanted he felt more in line with him. My pastor recommended not quitting but instead praying with more insistence, fasting if needed till you line back up with God again. It was just what I needed. God's timing is amazing and this was a great reminder of that.

Hearing this sermon and understanding it I will not magically be fixed. I am still in pain and still feel frustrated by my life. This afternoon I took a nap and then re-listened to part of the sermon. Afterwards I prayed through tears words of honesty to God. Telling Him how I felt and asking for help. It is hard to be so vulnerable even with God. But I know that I feel the closest to Him when I am open and vulnerable with God.

I don't know what will come next. I know I will go to work on Monday just as I am scheduled to. I will try to remember that I am there because I love kids and just because my boss is changing my passion for kids is not. I will try to focus my energy into my school work, into making sure I get my degree by the end of next summer. Knowing that after that I will listen for God's new direction for me. Till then I will sit still and remember that he will not give me more then I can handle.

Thursday, June 7, 2012

Davenport June 2012

Three posts in one day? A little crazy I know but I am trying to catch up.

This last weekend I flew to Davenport, IA part of the Quad Cities to go see my eldest nephew graduate. My dad and I flew out on Thursday afternoon, with the time change we arrived in the evening. This was a feet for my dad as he does not like the TSA. In fact I am surprised he made it home since the Moline airport now uses those fancy full size xray machines. I believe the Phoenix airport has them too but we out of the Mesa airport. It saved us $200 each so it was worth the extra thirty minute drive each way.

So thursday evening we arrived ate dinner, watched a movie, and then headed to bed. I picked the movie, The Last Airbender. All last week I had been watching M. Night Shyamalan movies. On Monday I started with The Happening, The Village, and Unbreakable. Then Tuesday I watched Signs and Sixth Sense. Wednesday night I watch Lady in the Water. So then Thursday night I finished up with The Last Airbender. So that worked well.

Saturday morning was pretty lazy and then we went shopping for supplies for Saturday nights Dance Party. It was to celebrate my niece graduating from 8th grade, then Kalvin's high school graduation/ 18th birthday party. After shopping we then went to pick up one of my other nephews, Garrett, from the train station.

Saturday morning we all went to Denny's for breakfast. It was my brother-in-laws step-dad's surprise retirement breakfast. It was good and delicious! Oh, yeah and fun. On the way home we stopped at the mall to buy a disco ball at Spencer's. Then it was home again to start prepping the house for the party. My dad and bil hung the disco ball. We had some time before people showed up so the kids played football for a bit.

It took a little while to get the dancing started but once it did everyone was booty shaking. It was a lot of fun and exhausting.

Sunday morning was a full day. We went to church and both Justice and Kalvin went up front to be honored as graduating. Afterwards we went to Rudy's, which if you are ever in the Quad Cities you have to go to. They are a pretty awesome mexican food restaurant.

From there we went straight to the graduation. It was a long ceremony, they always are, but it was amazing watching Kalvin graduate. We got lots of photo's and then it was time to say goodbye's. The hardest part of visiting family is leaving again.











It was a little easier knowing I get to go back in a month. I will be there June 1st through the 8th. I am pretty excited except that I will have to leave again and that sucks. So the trip was great!

Phx ComicCon 2012

This year I attended my first Comic Convention here in Phoenix. My brothers have over a dozen in both Phoenix and San Diego. Maybe a dozen in each location for all I know. I had the opportunity and the time so I went this year.

The comic convention is more then just comics, it is much much more then that. It is sifi, anima, and steampunk. There are Lego's, pokemon, zombies, books, tv shows and movies. I would say about one-third of the attendees dress up in costume.

I feel like there are three parts to the ComicCon. First is the booths. There are over a thousand booths that sell items. Books, comics, steampunk items, memoriablia, etc. Second is the celebrities. Each con gets different people. Our con had a large group of Star Trek celebrities including Will Shatner. Though my favorite was some of the cast of Eureka including Colin Ferguson. He was the one star I actually considered getting a picture with, though of course you have to pay for such things and I was trying not to spend any money and so I stayed my distance. Other celebrities are writers of both books and comics that create a draw. The third part, which I think is really the core of the con, are the panels. The time ranges but from about 10 am to 10 pm they have slew of panels for you to attend on different subjects. Maybe you want to debate Edward vs. Jacob or more importantly Star Wars vs. Star Trek. I attended somewhat random panels; zombie brain eating contest, Edward vs Jacob, build your own Tardis, Steampunk 101, Eureka, SG-1, Knit a Jane hat (from Firefly,) ...I think that is it. Not a lot compared to all that they had. I also watched the Zombie walk, that was something.

At first I didn't think I would want to go again. However, I think I do want to go again. I would plan a little better so and do a little more research so I would know a little more about the panels. I would hear about one and then wish I had gone to it. I would also trust my instincts a little better as well about what to attend and not attend as well as when to be early or not. Below are a few of my pictures, you can see more on my facebook page.

I love this author! (Though he is my brother.)

Add caption

My SIL and the Dalek

A Tardis or two 
Made out of Lego's

Storm Troopers


Slimer and Ivy? Weird combination.

Steampunk 101 panel 

Steampunk Victorian

Back again

It has been forever since I blogged. Life has just been, well crazy. I got back from my trip Sunday night and I feel like here Thursday night I am finally catching up. I am finally washing my laundry, got all my pictures posted on facebook, and now it is time to blog.

So what is up? I have heard you ask. Well, honestly frustration. Coming back from my sisters is difficult. It makes me question if I should be living here or there all over again. Then there is the promotion. The one I said God told me I wouldn't get? Yes, that one. I applied and am still waiting for a response. It isn't just if I am getting the job but also about who will be my boss in a month. I know one person that I applied and we just don't get along so I don't know how I would handle it if she got the job. Which totally drives me crazy some days when she is getting on my nerves a little more then usual.

Yes, yes but what about your food your exercise. Well there has been none of it. I eat whatever whenever and my waistline definitely shows it. I missed yoga monday night because I had a midterm due. I got a B which isn't bad but I expect better from myself. So that is a little frustrating. I just wish I was more focused on it. I was still tired from my trip, I had worked all day and I just wanted to sleep not do homework, especially not a midterm. Anyways, better next time.

I am tempted to leave it at that but that would not be the whole truth. The truth is that I am feeling frustrated. I am a firm believer in God, that does not waiver. However, recently I have stopped prayer. Not little things, I always talk to God. But I don't stop and ask for things for others or for me. I feel like every time I pray the answer is always no. Over and over again that is all I hear. One time I prayed boldly and He told me I could do what I asked but it would not turn out well. So of course I didn't. Prayer feels so contradictory. I mean I pray and yet God already knows my future. Then the fact that I want God's will for my life and yet apparently I just keeping praying for the opposite which is why it is no over and over again. And then there are verses that if you ask with true faith then your prayers will be answered then why is it no, no, no. It is all so frustrating. So confusing. So of course I feel distant from God, my heavenly father, because I am not talking to Him. I am not trusting Him.

Last night my church had a special worship night. They had done a day of fasting but I did not feel up to the fasting. I wasn't sure if I would make it but I ended up done with babysitting early so I was able to go. As I drove to church I didn't know why I was going. I didn't feel like worshiping. I sat in the back by myself. And for an hour that is what I did, I just sat there. I would sing quietly a couple songs and I cried feeling so frustrated with my relationship with God. God did speak to me last night nothing amazing just words of encouragement to let me know He was listening.

The one thing I felt most called to do was spend more time in the word. Of course I immediately started listing off all of the reasons I just don't have time. Between work and school how would I possibly have time to read the bible? But what a stupid statement.

So the question is, How do you pray? Do have a specific spot? A specific time? Do you pray on your knees, sitting or lying down? Do you have a list you follow or is it just what pops into your head. I was thinking maybe of trying free writing my prayers. Once before I tried to write it down like a list and then track what got answered and what didn't but that became frustrating seeing everything I didn't see answers to. So maybe a free write would work. Have you tried that? I will let you know how it goes.