I sit here unsure of what I want to post, rather if I want to post. I am again starting something new. I know that my plans and ideas fail more then they succeed and putting that here for you to read is hard. But then I remind myself that the only thing I promise on this blog is the truth and so here it is.
As I have mentioned I have been struggling with my relationship with God. At the Saturday night service I attended I realized two things.
1. Although I have been talking to God about casual things I have not had an intimate conversation with Him in a long time. I had taken a step back in our relationship and now I am feeling lonely and miss this closeness.
2. I have lost my hope. I see nothing in my future that tells me that anything is going to get any better. I have no hope for a better future here on earth. I had been holding on so tight to the idea of this promotion. Like if I had gotten the job then all of this suffering would make a little more sense. So knowing that God said I wouldn't get it I still held on as tight as I could to this little piece of hope for a better future. So when I realized it wasn't going to happen everything came crashing; including tears that I could not seem to control while at work.
My pastor talked about how any believer should have hope as we all have heaven to look forward to. I don't like that answer. I need hope for now, for this life not the next. If my only hope is in the next life then why live another day in this one? No, I don't know how that can be right.
But I prayed. I prayed over and over again for hope. That God would show me that I have something to hope for. That there is more then this.
Even knowing that this may be the missing link. Part of why I have pulled away from God I still need to grow closer to Him again. Fasting has been on my mind since I heard my pastor mention it when I listened to last weeks sermon. I have never fasted not knowing that that was exactly what God was asking me to do. Instead I am just taking a leap of faith that a fast will help me hear God better. The idea that kept repeating in my head was the Daniel fast. When Daniel was being trained to work for the King he got permission to only eat vegetables and water instead of the kings choice foods that were being offered. Later in Daniel 10 he goes on a 21 day fast and this time he was specifically fasting from any pleasant bread, meats and wine. One version says from any 'tasty food.' I had never done this before but people compare it to vegan but stricter.
I did my research and commonly a person can eat as much as they want but of only certain things. Vegetables, fruit, nuts, legumes, herbs, and whole grains. Though the whole grains may not have yeast or leavening in it. Everyone seems to agree that you may only drink plain water as the point is to fast from pleasurable items.
Saturday night I had babysat till 2:30 am and then instead of going to bed I stopped at Denny's because I hadn't eaten in eight hours. I ate a chicken quesadilla, chicken strips, and a banana split. My stomach has not been happy all day! I went home around five am and got about two hours of sleep before heading to church. As I was running out the door I wasn't thinking about the Daniel fast and so I just grabbed a Fiber One bar and a V8 Fusion. During church I decided I should give this a try. So after church I went shopping.
The plan is to do the Daniel fast for 21 days. Honestly I think I would be ecstatic if I made it 7 days. I can tell you it was hard not stopping at Denny's on the way home from babysitting this evening. Though I had spent all my money on fresh fruit and veg so that made it a little easier. My fridge and pantry are now stocked with watermelon, banana's, grapes, strawberries, salad, broccoli, peanuts, almonds, soy milk, multi-grain cheerios (technically cheating,) and lots of cans of V8 Fusion to drink. I cleaned and divided fruit and veg and even seperated the nuts and cereal so that they are ready to go when I need something to eat. I am going cold turkey off from caffeine, which means the next two days are going to suck.
Today this seems easy to say that I will do it but that is because my stomach has been upset with me all day for eating poorly. But in a couple days when I am tired of fruit, veg, and nuts? Well I guess I will mix things up then. I can have matza and peanut butter. How about some lentils, those can be good. Plus I have the soy milk and cereal to fall back on. Both are not really on the list but kind of since soy and whole grains are allowed.
If I loose weight doing this great but it's not my goal. My goal is to spend thinking and meditating on God. Spending more time reading His word. I have been free writing my prayers and that has been working well. So far on random pieces of paper so I need to choose a journal from my book shelves to use instead. I did weigh myself this evening and I am up to 281. This is the highest I have been in a long time, many months. But honestly the fit of my clothes doesn't even matter to me right now. My relationship with God trumps size of my pants.
I will keep you updated as time goes on. I had been thinking of tracking my calories to make sure I am eating enough but have decided to rely on my body and God to tell me when I need to eat. Like now, I think I might go and drink a glass of milk to fill my hungry belly before I sleep.