It has been forever since I blogged. Life has just been, well crazy. I got back from my trip Sunday night and I feel like here Thursday night I am finally catching up. I am finally washing my laundry, got all my pictures posted on facebook, and now it is time to blog.
So what is up? I have heard you ask. Well, honestly frustration. Coming back from my sisters is difficult. It makes me question if I should be living here or there all over again. Then there is the promotion. The one I said God told me I wouldn't get? Yes, that one. I applied and am still waiting for a response. It isn't just if I am getting the job but also about who will be my boss in a month. I know one person that I applied and we just don't get along so I don't know how I would handle it if she got the job. Which totally drives me crazy some days when she is getting on my nerves a little more then usual.
Yes, yes but what about your food your exercise. Well there has been none of it. I eat whatever whenever and my waistline definitely shows it. I missed yoga monday night because I had a midterm due. I got a B which isn't bad but I expect better from myself. So that is a little frustrating. I just wish I was more focused on it. I was still tired from my trip, I had worked all day and I just wanted to sleep not do homework, especially not a midterm. Anyways, better next time.
I am tempted to leave it at that but that would not be the whole truth. The truth is that I am feeling frustrated. I am a firm believer in God, that does not waiver. However, recently I have stopped prayer. Not little things, I always talk to God. But I don't stop and ask for things for others or for me. I feel like every time I pray the answer is always no. Over and over again that is all I hear. One time I prayed boldly and He told me I could do what I asked but it would not turn out well. So of course I didn't. Prayer feels so contradictory. I mean I pray and yet God already knows my future. Then the fact that I want God's will for my life and yet apparently I just keeping praying for the opposite which is why it is no over and over again. And then there are verses that if you ask with true faith then your prayers will be answered then why is it no, no, no. It is all so frustrating. So confusing. So of course I feel distant from God, my heavenly father, because I am not talking to Him. I am not trusting Him.
Last night my church had a special worship night. They had done a day of fasting but I did not feel up to the fasting. I wasn't sure if I would make it but I ended up done with babysitting early so I was able to go. As I drove to church I didn't know why I was going. I didn't feel like worshiping. I sat in the back by myself. And for an hour that is what I did, I just sat there. I would sing quietly a couple songs and I cried feeling so frustrated with my relationship with God. God did speak to me last night nothing amazing just words of encouragement to let me know He was listening.
The one thing I felt most called to do was spend more time in the word. Of course I immediately started listing off all of the reasons I just don't have time. Between work and school how would I possibly have time to read the bible? But what a stupid statement.
So the question is, How do you pray? Do have a specific spot? A specific time? Do you pray on your knees, sitting or lying down? Do you have a list you follow or is it just what pops into your head. I was thinking maybe of trying free writing my prayers. Once before I tried to write it down like a list and then track what got answered and what didn't but that became frustrating seeing everything I didn't see answers to. So maybe a free write would work. Have you tried that? I will let you know how it goes.