About Me

Hi, my name is Angela and welcome to my blog. This is a place where I write about my life in an honest and open way.

I am 34 years old, single, and a Christian. God gave me a heart to work with children and so I spend my day teaching kindergarten. It is my fourth year teaching and although it is hard I love it. I currently go to a college for my BA in Elementary Education which keeps me busy. Between work and school there is not much time left but I enjoy serving and helping others, watching netflix, or reading a good book.


Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Little Bit of Everything

I know I am gaining weight, I feel it in my waistline. I haven't weighed since Sunday night. I pushed the scale under my bed so that I can't just jump on to "check real quick."

Monday evening I went to a Holy Yoga class and it sucked! The class seemed to be a culmination of all of the moves I hate because my body does not like them. We kept going into one after another and I just laughing. It was crazy! I can do many moves and a few are painful to be in, which they are not supposed to be, and she she chooses those. She didn't do it on purpose or anything, how would she know. So the first part of class was laughing and the last part was crying. We went from the wheel, to the camel both completely impossible for me. Then our final stretch was sitting with our legs out in front of us reaching our hands out to our feet. The problem is I can't do that. I can move forward maybe a couple inches but while sitting I can't reach much past my knees. So really I am just sitting there. It was so frustrating because I thought I had found something I really liked and I was excited about going to several classes this week and then the rug is pulled out from under me and I come crashing to the ground realizing that no, I can't do this either. ...It sucks.

I missed yoga tuesday morning but plan to go tomorrow morning. On Tuesday I was given an interview time, for the promotion at work, for Thursday at 1pm. So I want to go to Holy Yoga, go come home and get ready, then I work for an hour and a half and then go right to my interview. I have worked with the two women interviewing me for three years now and I get along well with both of them. I am not nervous  which is good. I realize that it is completely out of my control if I get this job. I have mentally prepared and will do my best and after that it is in God's hands. I just hope I keep this calm in the interview, that would be helpful so I don't trip over my words.

This weekend is the Phoenix ComicCon. I have never been to one and so I am going to go on Saturday to see what it is like and try to go see the Eureka panel. (It is bound to be very crowded.) That is this weekend and then next Thursday I fly out to see my nephew graduate, I am SO excited!! I get back Sunday the 3rd and then the school I work for gets out on Wednesday the 6th. I won't have a break because I will watch teacher kids Thursday and Friday and then Summer camp starts on the following Monday. I am glad that I won't miss any pay but going straight through summer is going to be hard. Then among all this I have my classes I need to work on. I have one assignment due Sat, so I have to finish by Friday so I can go to Con. Then I have two assignments due the following week and I want to have them both done before I leave Thursday afternoon. So I am very busy the next couple. I will try to post when I can. Especially pics from Con and my trip.

Sunday, May 20, 2012

Fight

I know I haven't blogged in forever, at least it feels that way. Nothing new has happened. Everyday is a fight. I fight myself about exercising. I fight myself over what I am going to eat. All day long it is this stupid fight and I hate it! But I feel like that is my life. I have to fight for it. If I don't fight then what? I give up. I don't want to get back up to 300 again. No, no, no. So I fight.

I just weighed myself and I am back up to 280 from last week's 277, a 3lb gain. I am not surprised by this as I have been eating way too much food. I did manage to go to three Holy Yoga classes this week and I tried to go to a Zumba class but it was cancelled.

In my Holy Yoga classes I feel stronger but my waist is definitely bigger. My pants are all tight, it is very frustrating especially since this means my new work out pants are tight. Grrr.

As always, tomorrow is a new day, tomorrow is the start of a new week. I fly out to see my sister in 11 short days. Ok, they are going to feel like forever because that is a week and a half. But still I am totally excited!!

Though it reminds me of another goal failed. I was hoping to be 240 by the time I flew out there. The truth is I haven't lost a single pound, and it has been months. This is so hard! Why is it so hard! I am clearly not fighting hard enough. I try to look at the positives. I got A's in all my Spring semester classes. I am ahead two weeks in my summer classes and have A's in those classes as well. I am a faithful volunteer. I have started doing Yoga and spending more time focused on God. I have given up babysitting job after babysitting job on Saturday nights to keep my commitment of going to church Saturday nights. I have reached for a job I couldn't get because, why not. I didn't let the desire for friends change my core beliefs. I am amazing at 280 lbs! I am more than the number on the scale!

I just wish I knew it a little more often.

***

This week I will not track my calories.
I will try to get off caffeine again.
I plan to go to Holy Yoga or Revelation Fitness classes 6 times this week but will not beat myself up if I do not make it to all of them.

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

A or B

Today was full of choices. None of my choices were necessarily bad, ok one was, but they were all just choices that I made during my day.

4:30 am Wake up and go work out or sleep - Sleep
8:30 am Go to Holy Yoga or do laundry that I am way behind on - Laundry
1:00 pm Go out to eat or eat packed lunch while doing homework - Stayed at work
1:30 pm Eat cupcakes in lounge or don't - I ate three (this is the bad choice)
5:00 pm Leave work early to go to yoga or stay - I stayed
6:00 pm Go to a Body Flow class ($10 & 20 miles away but my friend teaches it) or go to Denny's to do homework - Denny's


I ended up going to Denny's. I was careful with my choices and although I did go over calories I could have eaten much worse. While I was there I finished three assignments and now I am a week ahead on my homework, this is where I like to be. Tomorrow during my lunch break I will probably keep working on my homework and get further ahead. I know that both classes have some big projects in them so I want to have plenty of time to work on those later in the semester.

I did not get any exercise in today which is kind of sad. I had some choices concerning that. I really had to do my laundry, I had kind of put it off way too long already. Although I could have made it across town to Body Flow I hate spending $10 on one class when the gym membership is $30. But it is so far away it is not really worth it to join the gym. I really just wish the gym was closer to me.

Tomorrow is Wednesday and I can't seem to find any classes to go to. I think I need to get off my butt and just doing something here at home. I have plenty of options I just need to use them. I will let you know how that goes.

Monday, May 14, 2012

Finding my Flow

Home from some Holy Yoga. I need to get to bed soon because Revelation Fitness is at 5:15 tomorrow morning. Last week I was so sore after working out I would think I would be more scared of going but I seem kind of excited about going. It was tough but it was fun. Plus being sore makes me stronger so it is good thing. It is awesome how much I am enjoying my Revelation Fitness and Holy Yoga.

So let's get to my weekly re-cap. Last night's weigh in came in at 277 so no change from last week. Here is how the week went.

Monday: 2, 685 cal (484 over) + Holy Yoga
Tuesday: 2,031 cal (76 over)
Wednesday: Did not track
Thursday: 1,676 cal (278 under) + Revelation Fitness & Holy Yoga
Friday: 1,770 cal (184 under)
Saturday:1,833 cal (121 under) + Holy Yoga
Sunday: 2,614 cal (660 over)

So without knowing wednesday I am 637 over my weekly budget which is not bad at all. Go me! I also exercised three times this week which is also awesome!

This week I plan to do more of the same; track my food and keep going to classes. For now off to bed, it is already 10:20 and my alarm will go off at 4:30.

Below are a couple pictures of what I wore to Holy Yoga this evening. Looking at the pictures I feel a little embarrassed about how tight the top is but I felt confident while I was wearing it.  That is what matters right? How I feel not how others feel about me.



Saturday, May 12, 2012

This Sucks

Everyday for years I have taken a little "happy pill." To be specific Floux a generic brand of Prozac. Even though I take this magic pill that allows my brain to work properly I still have problems. Bouts of depression that sneak up and try to my life. Although I have dealt with this for as long as I can remember and although my knowledge is helpful it does not stop the pain when I have been lying in bed crying for two hours unable to make my brain just shut up.

There often different triggers, only this evening did I realize that this time I had a combination of triggers. What initially set me off? [Edit by Author]

Then tonight I realized that maybe it is also stress of mothers day as well. I went to service and cried threw the opening music then they talked about mother's day and had a cute mother's day video and I cried through those too. I think it is a trifecta this year; my mom not here, my sister across the country, and  me still not being a mom. And so I cried.

I will make it through. I always do but it is a tough road that I will battle.

This morning I went to Holy Yoga, that was good. Talked to my sister, which was nice. I came home and some volunteer work had arrived and worked on that all afternoon. I assemble little packets for Be The Match part of the Bone Marrow Donor program. I still have a homework assignment to do before midnight, that is next after I finish this blog. Tomorrow is church all morning. Think I will take it easy tomorrow afternoon, I need to relax before going back to work. [ Edie by Author].

Friday, May 11, 2012

New Classes

Here is how yesterday went"

4:30 am Woke up, got dressed, and left the house.
5:15 am Revelation Fitness @ my church (like a bootcamp)
6:45 am Home to shower, eat, and then run out the door again
8:15 am Preschool play at work that I just couldn't miss (I love those kids!)
9:15 am Holy Yoga
10:45 am Home again to eat a little more, pack lunch, and get to work
11:30 am Work
6:30 pm Dinner and several tv shows
10 pm Crash in bed before I have time to blog

I am so very sore today! I had noticed myself walking slowly yesterday but I swear I am walking even slower today. My whole body hurts. I try to remind myself that this is a good thing. Everywhere it hurts is a muscle I used that is now recovering. But that still doesn't help me walk up and down my stairs any easier.

The Revelation Fitness class is a God based boot camp that starts off and ends with bible verses and prayer. It is full of encouraging words and reminders that of how we should be doing our best for God. It was a small group but they only just started the 5:15 classes so I figure it will probably grow with time. In the class it was me and three men. It was really good! My breathing problems did come back though. When I run for very long I get "exercise induced asthma" in other words my lungs start closing up and it is hard to breath. In the past I used it as an excuse but I know, from experience, that my lungs just need to build up to that intensity and then they won't hurt so bad. So I just pushed through. I was left with a deep cough all day long. I kind of thought of it as a smokers cough and I guess that might be what it is. My mother smoked around me so much that even now I still can only sometimes smell cigarette smoke. So maybe my lungs are covered in the same tar that smokers have. I don't know. Or I could blame the pluresy I had years ago, water on the lungs. But again excuses won't help.

As teacher appreciation week continues I continue to eat bad at work. Yesterday that meant that I had three cake pops. They were so very delicious though. I had also had some Jumba Juice so that was actually healthy. Well, healthier. I am not sure what they have planned for today, probably more delicious treats.

Seeing that I can barely walk right now I probably won't exercise today. Tomorrow I plan on going to another Holy Yoga class. This one is called Holy Yoga Flow, I don't really know what that means but hey why not try it. I still haven't finished this week's first homework assignment. I have at least read the hundred pages in my book but I need to answer ten questions about what I read. Hopefully it won't be too hard since it is the very first assignment.

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Rain and a Movie

After going to bed at five am this morning I was worried about when I would be sleeping tonight. It doesn't seem to be a problem though as it is ten and I am ready to crash. I assume that this is because I could not rotate my sleep as well and was up at 10:30 like I normally am.

With me applying for my bosses job and her in charge of selecting final applicants our work friendship has changed a bit. She has kind of pulled back and is less talkative with me. I understand the difficult position and hope that after this we can go back to our normal banter. For now it has helped me remember why I work this job. I love the kids, I love helping the teachers, I really love being there. This week I have put forth a little more time (off the clock, shhh don't tell) with helping some of the teachers. Little things like removing things from the walls and laminating for end of the year books. Small stuff that needs to be done as part of their long list of to do items. I love just helping out.

I was happy there were no incidents at work today. At 3 when school got out Phoenix was bright and sunny but by four dark clouds had rolled in and were quickly covering the sky. By 4:30 it was storming outside with loud rumbles of thunder and bright flashes of lighting. There have been days in the past with storms like this where the kids get scared. I tried to watch the kids, keep them distracted and not worry about them being too loud as their noise helped cover the rolling thunder. We only had one kid break into tears and that was after her father had arrived and was scared of the actual thought of going out in the storm. One other I was worried about came to me for comfort and we talked about how safe we were and I helped join a game with some other kids to be distracted.

After work I went to a free screening of "What to Expect When You are Expecting." It was very funny but is also very adult. Although they don't show any sex they talk about it a lot, and not very subtly. It follows five women who go through completely different experiences because really that how life is. One woman miscarries, one has to adopt, one has a difficult pregnancy while another has a very easy one, and the last woman is struggling to make important decisions with the father of the baby. For me personally, having a baby will only come after getting married, so I have avoided any type of baby fever that most women my age get. However, watching five woman go through all kinds of up and downs when it comes to having a child I totally got baby fever. In fact the woman who adopts goes to Ethiopia to adopt. I have a cousin who adopted her son from Ethiopia and towards the end when she meets her baby I was crying, tears were streaming down my face while I thought about my cousin did something just like this when she met her precious son.. So I totally loved this movie but I give a major warning that if you are in the baby making years you may get swept up in baby fever. :) Oh, and the men should like it too. The movie goes into all of the ups and downs for the men in these women's lives as well. Plus Chris Rock, hilarious and Joe Manganiello, who is Alcide on True Blood, let me just say one handed pull ups with no shirt on.

Now off to bed. Hopefully I will wake up at a decent hour and get some exercise in before work.


Five a.m.

It is five in the morning and I am just going to bed. I got off work, watched five hours of tv, then hung out at Denny's for another five hours or so. What was I doing? Nothing, hanging out with my younger brother, his fiancé is a waitress and he was hanging out after dropping her off. I worked on some drawings as well.

I was standing in my bedroom, taking out my contacts, and I think to myself "ha, see I am in control." it is that moment that I see one of my bibles on my dresser and think " I thought I didn't want control." I gave my life to Jesus and yet it is a constant struggle to give up control of my life.

I have poster, that is very wordy, but it says that we are on a tandem bike with Jesus and it asks who is in the front? Who has control of the handlebars?

I realize that I just spent the last five days or so fighting God for control of the front seat. I didn't like where He said He was taking me and although I pretended that I was ok with it I demanded to be in charge of where we go next. I say fight but really as I turned down new paths these last few days, Jesus just asked if I was sure and then came along with me.

Why do I have such a need for control? I have to be up for work in about five hours. That is not enough sleep. And lately it feels like when I step on the scale I am hoping to hit 280. Why would I want that?!

Trust is hard and clearly I need to still work on trusting my life in God's hands.

* I noticed many five's in this post and so I did a quick search for the significance of five in the bible. Five represents God's grace and is a number of preparation. It also signifies harmony and balance; neither of which I really feel like I have right now with me in control.

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Summer Session

Today my new classes start. They always start out easy and then get harder. Both are going to take a lot of reading. I am still waiting on four books I ordered from Amazon. This morning I got requests to review the companies I ordered two of the books from. I am hoping they will probably come today then, you never know with US mail though.

This weekend I tried to just relax and not do any pre-reading. I hung out with friends, watched lots of Hulu, and sketched several new drawings. I am not amazing or anything but sometimes I like to draw so I have a couple sketch books I use. Last weekend I sketched out my current dream house which included rooms for both my brothers families and my dad. We have a very close family and I currently live with one of my brothers and his wife. Being a babysit has allowed me to see some really cool and large houses. I don't picture any reality that I will be able to actually build it but it is still fun to dream. Usually I draw landscapes and occasionally dresses. Maybe I will take some pics to show you sometime.

This weekend I went shopping and bought some new exercise clothes. What I had was old and several of my pants had holes in them which work at home but not in public. I actually found some cute yoga pants. You know the kind that is folded down and has a cute design around the waste. I am excited to wear them tonight to yoga class. Which kind of sounds weird, being excited about yoga class but I seem to be.

Last week I had made four goal and only managed to do one. They were:
1. No Denny's
2. Don't weigh till sat night
3. Track all food
4. Exercise 3 times for 30 min

I went to Denny's sat night so kind of made it. I weighed myself all week, more about that later. I did manage to track all my food even on bad days. I only did yoga this week.

For this week I am going to switch it up a bit.
1. Track all food
2. Exercise 3 times for minimum of 30 min each
3. Monday's are cheat days. No other days. So if I am craving something wait till Mon.

Let me explain the last one. I was running late for work and didn't pack lunch. I am currently sitting in Red Lobster eating lunch and desert. So making any type of food requirements while eating ice cream is kind of a lie. So this seems like a good compromise.

I need to get more milk and fresh veg to pack for lunches. I will do that... Tomorrow morning I guess since I have yoga tonight.

***

I can not believe how self defiant I am. I don't seem to want to go to bed. My body is tired but I seem to be refusing like a disobedient child. I think it has to do with it being Monday and my before stated free pass. It isn't really a free pass my body still has to do something with the calories which is why I ate a sensible dinner and no desert. Even now at 12:30 am it is no longer Mon and yet I still refuse to go to bed. So silly. As I mentioned before a constant fight with myself. I had established eating less calories and going to be early and my body is trying to follow my request and here I am trying to push it in the opposite direction.

Now that I am home I can let you know what the scale said this week. Last Sunday I weighed in at 279.

Monday: 277 - 1 hr Yoga + under calories by 220
Tuesday: 276 - Under calories by 468
Wednesday: 277 - Over calories by 538 (binge ate cereal right before bed)
Thursday:275 - Under calories by 45
Friday:277 - Over by 796 calories (Ate 5 cookies at work)
Saturday:278 - Over by 1530 calories (Taco Bell, Denny's, and a bakery)
Sunday: 277 - Over by 1070 calories (More treats from the bakery)

So for the week I did end up dropping two pounds but I did not do well at all this last weekend. Then of course add today and I am sure I will be back up to 279 tomorrow. Though my overeating this weekend is part of why I changed my free day to Monday. I don't want it in my head that just because it is a weekend I can eat whatever I want. Even free day still has to do with moderation.

For instance today. I put everything in and I am over my calories by 730 calories. But keep in mind my calorie goal is 1000 calories under my maintain calorie amount. So the food I ate was greasy and bad for me but I didn't go over my maintain calories. If I do that once a week then that is better then the four days I did last week.

I do want to end on a positive note. I am very proud that I have been including fruits and vegetables everyday! Keeping the food pre-cut and washed and ready to go has made it effortless when packing lunch or grabbing something to eat.

Saturday, May 5, 2012

More like me.

*This blog is more like me then several of my last blogs. I have been trying to fit some mold of what people like and what will make people happy. This blog is for me and if you want to share in it great and if not then that is ok. My blogs are wordy and often written right before bed. They include my health but also everything else in my life because my health is only one part of my life. I have not re-read this so if there are grammar errors keep them to yourself please because I come with grammar errors.

I have spent all week trying to teach my body that 1900 calories is enough. I have spent all week training my body that going to be before 11 pm is a good thing. Then I throw it all down the drain today. I go over my calories (close to 3100) and here I am at 1:20 am and still awake. It is because I am frustrated. I am upset, but really I am confused. I wish I had someone to talk it out with but everyone seems (or is) so far away. I feel lonely.

I mentioned that my boss was applying for a teaching job. Well she got it and will be teaching 3rd grade next year. They are now accepting applications for her position. I of course applied by giving them an updated resume. The thing is God told me that I am not going to get the job. I heard it, accepted it and moved on. Then my co-workers got all excited for me and pushed me again to get excited. I remembered God's words but thought it doesn't hurt to let the principal know I am interested in more than my current position. Then the first time that the principal spoke with me about the job something the way she said it or really I believe God again said that I would not get this position. It was another blow. This time I really felt it. My boss and co-workers, friends and family that I talked to all said no big deal. They were all very positive and encouraging. But I would not let myself. I knew what I heard.

Yesterday my boss asked for another copy of my resume. The principal had not passed it on to her and she is the one reviewing all of the resume's that come in. I am conflicted how do I apply for a job that I know that I will not get. I rationalize it that I am just putting myself out there. Letting "them" know I want more. But aren't I going against what God has said to me? This thought is what leaves me frustrated and confused.

[edit by author]

If I don't put my resume in then she doesn't have to try to pretend I contend with these people. If I don't apply then I don't have to make an embarrassment of myself. Many parents assume I will take the position, though all that I have met assume that I have a BA like all the other employee's at the school. If they knew that I had nothing more then a high school diploma would they feel the same way about me?

I love my job. I love working where I work. I don't know where I would go if I had to leave this school. My co-workers say I should start applying other places that way I can use that as leverage toward getting the position. My answer is simply, no. If I do not get the job then I still love what I currently do and do not want to start over in some other company as part of some power play. Though of course I leave out the fact that God has told me I won't get the job.

I keep getting headaches this week. I have one right now. At first I thought it was lingering caffeine headache but I know better. It must be a tension/stress headache. I usually use food to numb the pain and without the food my body seems to be giving me headache's instead. Though tonight I ate over my calories but each bite was stressful since I knew I shouldn't be eating it. So I kind of added stress to my stress.

I don't know what tomorrow will bring. Probably sleep in and a little laundry. Hopefully a little less stress.

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Hungry

I am tired of going to bed hungry. Today I upped my calories and I am, at this point, over by 100 calories so I ate 2000 calories out of my 1900 calories. I spread them out throughout the day, having snacks here and there and yet here I am and I feel like I am starving. Sometimes I am hungry at night, but only for ice cream or chocolate, meaning that it is mental. But right now I would eat anything I just am tired of feeling hungry. I am not sure what I am doing wrong.

10 a.m. - Bowl of Chex 300 cal

Studying my grammar during breakfast.

11 a.m. - Banana chocolate protein drink 300 cal
2 p.m. - Sandwhich, strawberries, and parfait 500 cal
5 p.m - Baby carrots and V8 Fusion 150 cal
6:30 p.m. - Pot pie 650 cal
8 p.m - Happy cow 6 oz ice cream 150 cal

Plenty of calories. Lots of healthy calories. So what is going on? Maybe the pot pie's are not as filling as I thought? I don't know but this kind of sucks.

I was thinking of exercising but maybe my body wants a bowl of cereal instead.

Update: I ate cereal at about 450 calories. I don't feel like I am starving anymore but still feel hungry. Frustrating. I am going to bed to try again tomorrow. Huh

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Early Mornings = Long Days

Today has been a long day. My boss is back so she is doing her job but I helped sub in a classroom today and then I had babysitting right after work. I forgot how hard it is to watch a kid under two. The family had three boys and they were all vying for my attention. So here it is 10:30 and I am hungry, thirsty, and exhausted.  So the following is a quick recap of my day before I crash.

I got up at 9 a.m because my brother had made banana, strawberry, chocolate chip oatmeal. Like baked it in the oven. He was making it for him and his wife but could only get the recipe down to three servings so I got to enjoy some as well. I wish I had taken a picture of it but totally forgot because I was still half asleep. It was so delicious and under 500 calories.

I had planned to exercise but got a caffeine headache and then while waiting for the advil to kick in my nose started to bleed. Both made my morning disappear.

Snack was strawberries.

During my normal lunch break I was watching kids nap so I had a sandwich. The new Carving Board Turkey Breast lunch meat, provolone cheese, and normally I buy wheat bread but was in a hurry and somehow bought a type of white bread, it is actually called butter bread, very smooshy. It was ok though.

On the way to my babysitting job I ate another sandwich and one of my peaches and creme parfait's. On the way home I had strawberries (which I thought I was going to eat while babysitting but never got a chance.) I wanted to take a pic of my strawberries next to me as I drove home but with no light I just took one of me driving instead.

So I am currently 1,262 calories out of my 1,954. So I sit here hungry, thirsty and exhausted.  I have some Welch's grape juice in the fridge. I will go have a glass of that at 150 calories it should solve both hungry and thirsty. Then off to bed for me.

Goal tomorrow: Eat more calories throughout the day so I am not so hungry at night.