About Me

Hi, my name is Angela and welcome to my blog. This is a place where I write about my life in an honest and open way.

I am 34 years old, single, and a Christian. God gave me a heart to work with children and so I spend my day teaching kindergarten. It is my fourth year teaching and although it is hard I love it. I currently go to a college for my BA in Elementary Education which keeps me busy. Between work and school there is not much time left but I enjoy serving and helping others, watching netflix, or reading a good book.


Sunday, February 28, 2010

Week 5 - 1 lb gain

I woke up on Sat morning with a fever, sore throat, and runny nose. If calling in sick to my sister was an option I would have. But I kind of just sit on her couch all day so I crawled out of bed and went over to her house. My fever broke on Sat and today I have had a runny nose and sore throat still. Hopefully if I go to bed early I will feel even better tomorrow so I won't be sick at my other job. This has been one of those weeks that was so long and yet I can't remember anything that I did. I can say that my tooth is feeling better. Fri and Sat instead of pain there was pressure, like it was swollen. It is doing a lot better today but I haven't really eaten for 2 days so maybe that is why. Anyways I still need to schedule the root canal to be done so tomorrow morning I will call my dentist to get it done.

*****

So sat is my normal weigh in day but I was totally sick and did not feel like it. Plus...well I weighed in on Wed and it showed a gain of 4.6 lbs. Scary, I know. So I didn't really want to weigh in. But tonight I did. Now like I said I really haven't eaten in two days. So I contribute the fact that today I am just .6 lbs higher than I was last week. I know that I haven't eaten well at all this week; In-n-out, Chili's, Lone Star, Taco Bell, Jack-n-the-box, etc. I ate bad food and didn't exercise all week. So I am really happy that it wasn't worse.

I have decided to make myself a specific goal. By March 12th I want to weigh 250 lbs. That is a 9 lb weight loss in 12 days which yes is a lot. But I think hitting that marker on my 28th birthday will really make it special. So I will really need to stay focused the next two weeks. I went shopping stocked the fridge with all of my good foods and now I am ready for the week ahead.

I haven't done my biggest loser video yet. I really should have by now but haven't gotten to it. I am kind of feeling like I don't want to do it but I think that is because the idea of it all is kind of scary. I found out yesterday and my brothers best friends wife also wants to apply so she wants to know if we should do it as a team and that scares me even more. I really haven't even talked to her since my brothers wedding 2 years ago. Everything I know about her, she's great. But honestly I think I am worried that they might not choose her because of me. I kind of have no self-esteem right now, can you tell? I need to take a deep breath and just think about it for a day or two. I'll let you know.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Painful Wednesday

Back in Oct I had gone to the dentist. I found out I had 11 cavities and I needed to get 1 root canal done. I didn't have enough money for the root canal but did get 6 of the cavities filled. Well here we are 4 months later and my tooth is killing me. Yes the one that needs the root canal. It is so painful! It is crazy how much it hurts!! I don't usually take pain meds, I try to solve whatever is making my body ache. But I don't have $1100 to fix this but I still have to function. This afternoon I took two Advil gel caps (a normal dose for me) it worked fine. Then when the pain came back several hours later I popped 2 more pills. They did work, AT ALL!! Work was over but I had to head to church for Awana's so I took 2 more pills. With 4 pills the pain finally subsided some. I realize that I can not keep taking pain pills like this, it isn't good for my body. So although i will have to split it over a couple credit cards tomorrow morning I am going to have to schedule an appointment with the dentist. It is crazy because when I think about the pain and how I would describe it all I can think about is how if I can't stand this, I don't want a baby. :) Oh and yes I have tried ora-gel but I can't really get it to the root that is causing the pain so it doesn't stop any of the pain.

So you probably notices I still have not exercised. And honestly my eating is bad too. I don't know why I keep doing this. Since I stopped exercising and started eating out I have not been feeling like I have. I stay up way to late (its currently 2:30am) doing nothing. Before I was up till 1 or 1:30 but I was productive and fell asleep a lot easier. I feel blah all day, people keep asking if I still feel sick but it is just that I don't have any energy lately and feel tired all day even though I haven't done anything. It is harder to wake up in the morning, I don't think I am sleeping as soundly. Before I was having weird dreams but at least I was dreaming letting me know I was going into a deep sleep. Now, no more dreams. I won't go into to details but I am more constipated which is annoying. The really crazy thing is that its not like it is easy. As I eat food that I know is bad for me I feel guilty and think about gaining the weight back. I eat too much and then feel awkward and gross the rest of the day. My bank account is looking a little sad with all the money I am spending out (yes I know I need that money for the dentist instead.) And really it isn't easier. My house is full of good foods, I have to specifically go out to get bad foods. And it is easier to just stay at work and read a book than try and fight traffic and lunch crowds to go out somewhere. The food I was eating wasn't bad and actually I kind of miss drinking my Kefir and POM in the morning. That stuff is good! So I am going to try and start working my way back to the healthy living. I haven't strayed too far so it should be pretty easy to get back on track. Well at least here's to hoping.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Another Tuesday

I still haven't exercised. I feel like I haven't accomplished anything because I still haven't exercised like I have been lazy or something. But that's not true. Yesterday I tackled my brakes. Ok actually it took me two days. My brakes have been squeaking for way to long but its like $120 to get my brakes down. Once before my dad showed me how to change them so I decided to do it myself. I got home from work about 6pm and spent about 5 hrs getting frustrated by my stupid car. It should be easy but I kept running into problems and then had to walk to pep-boys to get a rotor for one wheel. And then didn't have the tool to get the bad rotor off. Anyways, I didn't do a video but did walk a mile round trip to pep-boys caring about 15 lbs on the way back. And loosening and tightening lug nuts and such was a definite muscle work out. Seriously I don't know what I did but some of my butt muscles were sore today. It was kind of funny.

So didn't eat dinner last night, and then this morning only had a cheese stick so like 100 cal. Then for lunch I went to Chili's. I ate WAY too much. I started with mozerella sticks (7 of them) then I had these 4 mini-tacos. Then that wasn't enough so I had this slice of cheesecake, it was huge and delicious. I kind of ate slow, I was there for like 1:10 but I hurt all day because I ate way to much. So here it is 11pm and I am finally getting hungry. I will have something small like some yogurt or something. As I sat their at Chili's I kept thinking about how I ate there once a week every week for a couple months. Totally awful! No wonder I weigh so much.

I haven't exercised yet but I did change my second brake pad, in like 20 min this time. And I watched Lost. I made two bracelets I have been thinking about making for awhile and I did my Awana paperwork. Alright maybe that's not enough. Ok, I need to eat, get some two loads of laundry done, and then do my nails. And then sleep

Monday, February 22, 2010

Conflicting Data

Sunday 2/21/2010

I didn't exercise but ate good. No excuse to not exercise I had the time this evening. I guess I exercised some. I was at my sisters and my nephew was sleeping so popped in this hula workout video. I got like 10 min in. I was sweating but I felt so stupid because even if I was following their moves exactly I totally didn't look as sexy doing it as the size 2 girls in bikini's on the screen. It was kind of frustrating and the camera work really made me think they didn't actually make this video for woman (if you know what I mean.) I got get back on this wagon before it runs me over.

So i made a little change and I don't think most people will notice. That is to my little goal meter. I did move it to the top now that I have lost some weight I felt confident to move it from being hidden on the bottom of the screen. But more importantly I changed the numbers. Every week I weigh in on the wii fit but I also weigh in on my personal scale. Now the scale has always been weird and when i moved houses my weight changed drastically (nothing I did just the scale being weird.) I had been using the scales numbers as my official numbers. They were higher than the wii fit but since it is my scale not my wii I thought I should do that. But it has gotten too confusing. Because I way in on the wii and it says I lost 4 lbs and then walk into my room and weigh on my scale and it says 3 lbs. So the numbers weren't jiving and it was frustrating and confusing on my part. So since I actually trust the wii fit more I have switched my numbers to match that. So instead of a starting weight of 280 it now shows 273. And then current weight instead of 279 I am actually at 258. I did also lower my goal weight. The charts say for my height (5'9") I should be between 125 - 170. I figure my goal should be more the middle than the top and 150 has always sounded better to me than 160, not sure why. So from now on I am sticking with the wii fit weight. And hey look at that I am almost down to 250, it is pretty exciting especially since a year ago I was up at 300.
...wait no I just went and double checked my actual numbers and I was at 315 a year ago this month. That means I have lost almost 65 lbs in one year! It doesn't sound right, like no way but I was wearing a size 30 a year ago and now I am wearing a size 26 so I guess it is right. I have never really lost weight before. I did the yo-yo dieting thing so this is kind of weird and yet totally awesome too. I can do this! I can be healthy! I really do have power over the food I eat! Go me for finally realizing it!!

Alright, I think that is enough go me. Especially since I didn't even work out today. Grrr, got to do better because I know I can do better. :)

Saturday, February 20, 2010

Week 4 - 4 lb loss

Saturday 2/20/2010

So today was weigh in day. I lost 4 lbs and 1 inch this week. This is amazing...however I did not exercise at all this week. Last Sunday and Monday I went way over on my calories. Now I was sick this week so for a couple days I barely ate anything. And even today I pretty much forgot to eat all day till I got home. So I am hoping some of this was cary-over from last week or maybe due to less calories mid-week. However I have a feeling that some of this is water weight as I didn't drink much water today either.

I do know that I don't want any more "cheat" days because it just throws everything off. I think it is fine if maybe one out of seven days I eat more calories than other days but it is never ok for my body to eat bad foods no matter what day it is. I know I was getting too wrapped up in the "cheat" day thing going all out eating the worst. But sometimes I will eat out or forget to pack a lunch or whatever, I think these high calorie days will come naturally so weekends are now to be like weekdays. Yes that means starting tomorrow. I didn't have time to pack a lunch today but I need to remember to tomorrow. I need to make healthy choices all day. I also need to exercise again. It has been 8 days since I purposely worked out. That is too long, it is understandable that I was sick and then had taken on some extra money making opportunities. But I can't let getting sick stop me now!

I had mentioned to some of my friends about applying for biggest loser (I need to use them as references so they kind of needed to know.) And I was mentioning to one friend how much I have already lost since January. So one of the guys of course mentioned that I will have to stop loosing if I am going on The Biggest Loser. It's almost true since they want you to have to loose over 100 lbs and I have about 120 to go. At this rate I could easily (not actually easy) loose the 20 by May when they plan to start taping the next season. It almost makes me wonder if I really need it since something seems to have finally clicked for me. But it doesn't hurt to try and if I did make the show it could be a great oppurtunity. But again I remind myself, 250,000 people apply every season.

So this week I will work my butt off again to ensure I see no gain on the scale next week. But for now, Yea 16 pounds in 7 weeks!! That's a little more than 2lbs a week!

No sleep

Friday 2/20/2010

I can't seem to sleep today/tonight/now yesterday. It's now 5:46am and I am not feeling tired at all. I took my normal melatonin pill but it did nothing for me the brain just keeps running. I have to leave at 9am to go babysit my nephew, that will be fun. :( I don't know why I am so awake. Maybe I slept too much on wed and then thurs night. Or maybe because i haven't been exercising. Yeah that's right. Tomorrow is weigh in and I have not exercised all week!! I start to feel awful about it but nose is still clogged so I don't know its such a great idea yet. Plus even today I got pretty tired just walking around checking on the kids. Being sick I haven't eaten a lot either, so hopefully I will just stay the same this week.

Thursday night I did stay late at work. They had parent-teacher meeting, don't really know what it was about. But we only had two kids and their were two of us watching them. I pretty much sat there and played solitaire the whole time. Plus the kids were best friends who already knew us from our extended day program so that made it easy.

This evening I did go watch a baby. It is my co-workers friends baby. Anyways, they were going to a dinner party and didn't want to take the baby along so I watched her for a couple hours. She was the cutest baby, like gorgeous. Actually they had five kids and they were all so totally cute. The baby felt pretty warm and had a runny nose. So she pretty much slept the whole time but kept waking up cause she couldn't breath. It was kind of sad since I couldn't do anything to help her. So I just like rocked her and read my book. It was pretty easy.

Tomorrow I am going to be so tired. I babysit from like 9 - 4:30 and then my friends kids party is from 4-8 I think. I am kind of bummed I am going to miss the evening church service again but it is a worthy cause. Which means I won't be able to exercise tomorrow night either. Maybe sunday night, I really got to get back into the hang of things though. My dad e-mailed me this week. He said he had been watching Biggest Loser on Hulu and thought I would be great for the show and thought I should send in a tape. I went ahead and printed out the application and have started filling it out. I have also started trying to think of how I will fill a 10 min video full me. You know, figuring out what to say and how I feel and what is honest but interesting. I am still kind of hesitant because you know what if Jillian is screaming at me and I am too exhausted and say something that embarrasses my family. That wouldn't be cool. Plus if I got picked I would probably have to leave work before the end of the school year which is kind of rude. But like 250,000 people apply every season. So I figure, fill out the app, make the video, send it in, pray that if its God's will then it get in the right hands, and in the mean time still kick my own butt at home. No harm in trying.

Well I have to get up in 2 hrs so I think I am going to go try and sleep again. Though I don't really feel tired and it sounds like the rooster next door has started to crow, and it is so hard to fall asleep when that thing starts. We will see. And I hope to let you know tomorrow how my weigh in goes. ....I know since it is already tomorrow I should weigh in now, would that be cheating?...actually I don't think it would work I think the overnight weight loss is actually after you sleep not just it being the am. I am not sure how that would turn out so I am not going to try. Anyways... :)

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Home sick

I haven't posted in a couple days so I thought I would update you.

Monday
This was my day off. I slept in, found out my friend is pregnant (congrats to Mylinda and Tim, you will be fabulous parents.) Went shopping for new bras and a belt, went out with my brother and sister-in-law to Sushi and Ikea. I had never tried sushi before but always wanted to. We went to this cool place in Chandler that has a rotating conveyer belt that you just pick your food off from. I tried several different items and determined sushi is not for me. :( I don't like the soy sauce, the green stuff, or seaweed. That kind of limits it. I love ikea it is great but I have been so many times and their really wasn't anything I needed so the novelty had definitely worn off. I did grab two hotdogs for $1 since I didn't eat much at the sushi restaurant. Later that night I was bad and went out to Dairy Queen. I got a cheeseburger and a large oreo cheesecake blizzard. Both delicious but not really healthy. I knew after that I had to start afresh on tuesday.

Tuesday & Wednesday
I woke up with a bit of cough. Like one of those deep coughs to clear phlem from the throat. My oldest nephew had been doing the same thing all weekend. He didn't really seem sick or say he didn't feel well so I thought maybe its not a big deal. I did take my temperature and it was up at 99 but didn't think that was too high so I went to work. Everything was fine till about 2 hours before i was going to leave. I all of a sudden felt so tired. I felt like I was going to pass out. I was fairly certain I had a fever too. So I went home, took my temp and it was at 101.5. I slept for about 14 hours I still was feeling awful, I still had a fever, so I called in to work and slept the rest of the day. I didn't even make it to church tonight, at 5:30 I checked my temp and it was up at 102.4. It is honestly kind of nice that I really just have a fever and am exhausted. The runny nose and cough are pretty minimal. Through out the day I have just been drinking lots of water, some orange juice, and eating cereal. The organic cereals and silk milk I drink are full of different vitamins and minerals. So instead of just popping additional multi-vitamins I eat the cereal and am getting a lot of the same stuff. Part of me wonders if is because I have been eating foods like this that I am not as sick as I may have been. Though the bad foods I ate over the weekend could also explain why I got sick at all. I am not really sure, just presuming. But it is an interesting thought. It is only 8pm and I am headed off to bed.

I am hoping that I feel better tomorrow as I don't want to miss two days of work (I am hourly no sick days for me.) Plus this is going to be a busy weekend. Tomorrow night I am supposed to stay late to watch kids while parents plan something. Then Friday night I am going to watch a baby for a couple hours. Then on Sat I have a UFC birthday party for my friends kid. So I really need this sickness to be done with. I shouldn't be still contagious by Friday night, right?

Monday, February 15, 2010

Cheat Day

Sunday 2/14/10

Today was cheat day. And honestly I was awful but I am ok with that. How awful you ask? Well lets just say Chili's for lunch, Baja Fresh for dinner, and my order of Girl Scout cookies came in. Though I did order the cookies before I had completly changed my diet, plus how do you say no to a 5 yr old girl that you have known for years. I couldn't. So I almost finished 1 box of samoas, First person that asks can have my second box of samoas, and I split my box of thin mints with my sister the other row goes in the fridge as an emergency chocolate stash. Seriously though I need this box out of my house. A box of samoas has 15 cookies. There are 150 calories in 2 cookies. So yes I ate 12 cookies today which means 900 calories. Bad, bad, bad. Oh, and no exercise. I seem to not exercise on weekends, though big picture I figure it is no problem to have a break.

On a totally exciting note (which I think is part of why I am not bummed about my eating today.) I totally went to Walmart and got some pants. I thought they only went up to 24 but they had some in size 26. I got one dress pant and one jeans. It was SO exciting to put them on and they fit great! Ok, the dress pants are a little tight but if I keep up my healthy habits then they won't be for long. I can't even tell you how it exciting it is, its just a great feeling!

In reflection, in the future I do not want to eat as bad as I did. I know that it is easy to fall down into unhealthy eating again. Plus financially it isn't a wise choice. There is more important things I should be spending my money on than food at restaurants.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Week 3 - 4 lb loss

Saturday 2/13/10

Today has been a very emotional day. I actually almost didn't weigh in because I was so flustered that I thought if I don't loose any weight then I am going to burst. I just couldn't take any more bad for the day. Luckily my younger brother stopped by and was a blessing to talk to. So after he left, and I ate some dinner, I was able to weigh in. I lost 4 lbs this week!! Yea, I am so excited. I worked out really hard this week and so it is exciting to see that show on the scale. I did not change in inches this week but with last week's 2 in loss and the fact that I need to buy new pants I am doing great!!

I started the day nervous about being weigh in day. Especially worried about not working out yesterday or following my eating plan. I don't want to even think about all the details again of today so I will just say today did not go as I had planned. I had some errands to run with my nephews but they whined about everything. Then everything I did I thought about how it would affect my weigh in. I walked nearly a mile to and from the state fair grounds, a good thing. Went to Chick-fil-a was scared to eat anything so munched on what my 2 yr old nephew didn't eat. Was sure the fries were too salty but kept eating them anyways. Then because I didn't really eat it thew my eating for the day off. And then on and on with frustrations. From the min I got in my car I was crying all the way home. I was supposed to stop at walmart for something but just couldn't get myself together and was worried about food temptations. I knew I couldn't eat away these feeling so when I got home I put on my work out clothes to get to work. I did like 5 min and then while fighting with my ipod to work my younger brother stopped by. I think exercise may have helped but just talking to him and catching up helped calm me. I don't know why I was so emotional. And no its not "that time of the month." I actually want to just relate it to what everyone says about loosing weight that I used food to stuff my emotions down and so now as I loose the weight they are coming up. And think it makes sense. I can't even tell you how long it has been since I was a 26. I have lost so much weight I get to buy new clothes. Its scary and exciting. I have never been a yo-yo dieter so loosing weight like this is amazing to me. Knowing that I can do this. And even more amazing how doing the right thing just feels so natural right now. I love it! But of course scared that when I plato I will freak out or I don't know their is just so much to be scared about. So emotions, totally normal. And so now I have to learn how to handle them productively instead of just eating to push them away.

I didn't really exercise today. I did the 5 min of walking and a few ab exercises but that is it. I think I stayed within my calories as well even with the weird lunch. I kind of had a big dinner (sausage and egg omelette with half a bagel) and and then an hour later when I was still hunger, and I was sure because I tried just drinking water, I had a bowl of granola cereal too. I have no idea how to rate today and right now I just don't care. It was a weird day and I did the best I could in each moment.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Friday Night Fun

Friday 2/12/10

Today I didn't really work out. After work I went to a friends and she showed me some ab exercises. Then we hung out all night. She cooked lasagna, then we watched a movie and ate some popcorn. Then I was awful. I was feeling hungry and instead of eating something good I sat down with the Ghirardelli chocolate I got today and ate 6 little squares. Everything else I ate today was good but that was bad.

I don't really care that I took a night off because hanging out with friends was awesome! But tomorrow is supposed to be my weigh in day and I am now really worried that by not exercising and eating bad I am going to totally throw the weigh in. I mean even the popcorn which was probably way to salty so now I am going to hold my water which will increase my weight. It is already 1:30am and I have to babysit tomorrow so I can't do anything tonight but I am totally thinking I need to do at least an hour tomorrow at my sisters house before I get home to weigh in...I just realized that I now am going to a church service on sat nights after I leave my sisters house. So if I work out then I may stink from getting all sweaty and then that would be embarrassing. I don't usually sit near other people but I wouldn't want to offend anyone by smelling bad. Hmm, maybe if I at least change clothes that will help. But I kind of feel like exercising at my sisters because I am worried about my weigh in is not as important as hearing the word of God and spending time in His presence. I don't know what I will do, let you know tomorrow.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Early to bed

Thursday 2/11/10

This morning it was so hard to get up I immediatly decided I needed to work out early instead of so late tonight. Later in the day I was thinking about how and I realized that it is Thursday which means I get off early. So I got home at 5:30, I do 30 min of the Biggest Loser Power Sculpt video (it was mostly just cardio but some stregth training.) Then I watched a show in my Hulu Queue and did 40 stepping. I don't know how many steps but I made sure to watch a clock to get a full 40 min in. So today I did 1:10 min of exercise today. And now I get to watch Grey's Anatomy and Private Practice. Oh and I will totally have time to paint my nails which I have totally been neglecting for like 2 weeks so that is totally exciting too!

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Long day, Quick post

Wednesday 2/10/10

Today was good. I woke up early and got to work on time. Because of the longer day I did eat more calories than normal. About 100 more with lunch and then about 200 more with dinner. Though dinner was at 5:30 and it is now midnight and so I don't think eating me a little more so I could finish the day was a bad thing. After Awana's at church tonight I started up last weeks Biggest Loser (missed because I watched Lost and Hulu takes a week to post the episode.) The goal was 4 miles with my WAP video's but when I got to mile 4 I knew I could do more and so I did all 5 miles on the dvd. Each one is about a 14 min mile plus warm up and cool down so I got about 1:30 of exercise today. I was so excited because I have never made it through all 5 miles before. So yea me!! Now a little orange juice and off to bed for me.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Clothing issues

Tuesday 2/9/10

Today I ate well. Nothing too exciting to post about that. Although what I am eating now is not what I ate 2 months ago what I am eating feels totally natural now. I did exercise today but only 30 min, actually 20 min plus 10 min of warm up/cool down. I did the Biggest Loser Bootcamp video. It was hard but easier to get through than the yoga one yesterday. Though I found it difficult because my arms are still sore from yesterday so some was pretty tough. I considered doing some cardio with my WAP dvd's but I have an early morning tomorrow so I want to get to bed early. So 20 min, but better than nothing. :)

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It is now frustrating to get dressed for work everyday. It shouldn't be, it should be exciting but it is more just difficult. I have to dress up for work and I am really not a dress or skirt girl so I wear dress pants. The last time I bought dress pants was over a year ago and I was a size 30 at the time. I have been a size 28 for nearly 6 months now but I always just use a belt or when the belt wasn't enough I used a safety pin to cut it down an inch. As you know I lost 2 in last week so that has made a difference. But when I went to put on my pants this morning...lets just say I must have lost at least one more inch. I am feel like I am swimming in my pants now. I do have a pair of black pants that are jeans so I shouldn't wear them but they are black so I get away with it. I had to wear those today but even those felt weird today. Ok it sounds weird but my butt must be smaller because it feels extra loose in that area. It was kind of uncomfortable, I kept worrying that it looks weird but figure no one is really looking at my butt anyways. So in a couple weeks I am getting my tax return and I am going out to buy new pants. I am trying to be excited but the negative part of me keeps bringing me down. Reminding me how annoying the next 2 weeks till have some money will be and then the idea that if I went down one size in a month then is buying pants now a waste of money? I do try to remind myself that I have to wear pants so no its not a waste. Plus it will be motivation to keep going. On a side note I know I mentioned I went through some old clothes. I have no dress pants but when I hit size 24 I will have quite a few skirts I can pull out.


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I have a friend who is a personal trainer. Months ago I traded with her; I took her out to watch New Moon with me and in return she was going to show me some basic ab exercises I can do everyday. At the time I was kind of trying to exercise but wanted to have something to do if I "forgot" to exercise during the day. So before I went to bed I would pull out my yoga mat and doing some crunches. I wasn't sure I was doing them right so I wanted her help but of course she has some other cool stuff she can teach me. Anyways, we have both been very busy with life and such but finally we are getting together this friday night to hang out and do some ab work. I am so excited!!! I am not sure if she reads this but if not then it will be even more exciting to tell her all I have done on my own over the last 3 weeks. (We don't see each other often, which sucks.) So hopefully this will also be helpful toward my goal of health as well. Now off to bed since I have to get up at 6:30 am instead of my normal 9 am.

A fresh week

Monday 2/8/20

I didn't work out all weekend. I just kept thinking today how hard it was going to be to exercise again today. I knew it was what I needed to do so I did it. So today was really good. I ate great and I exercised a lot (details below.) I am happy I am starting this week with such a great start.

Yesterday I wasn't awful or anything. I ate a good breakfast. When I have my older nephews on weekends I like to go out to lunch on Sunday's after church so we went to In-n-out. If you remember I ate there last wed too. I ordered the same thing, probably had less fry's as that is all my 2 yr old nephew will eat. For the life of me I can't get him to eat a hamburger. But I also ordered a vanilla shake. I ended up with gas and a stomach ache later. Since it didn't happen on wed I am sure it was the ice cream. I was thinking maybe I just ate too much between the hamburger and the shake but I was definitely burpee so maybe it was something in the ice cream. I'm not really sure. But I resisted going to taco bell for dinner (I did not want to feel bad again) and had a good dinner.

Today went great with food. I ate healthy stuff because I like it. I am currently eating 3 meals a day and sometimes a snack at night after my workout. I am staying around 1200 - 1500 cal a day. I wasn't hungry at all today except normal times, right before dinner, after my work out. At work in the lunch room I was feeling a little tempted. The room smelled like pasta and their were cookies and cupcakes on the table for grabs. So I immediately just took my book at sat outside for the first hour. Then I went back in so I could eat my lunch. But at that point it wasn't a problem because I had good food to eat and fill me up.

Tonight I had a full line up of tv: House, Heroes, then Castle. I love them. I tend to eat at 7pm so I just watched House. Up next was Heroes. I don't know if you watch it but it is very visual, especial when Hero, one of the characters, talks since he speaks japanese so you have to read it. I thought about doing one of my Walk Away the Pounds dvd's but I knew it wouldn't work. My thoughts went to the stepping option on the wii fit you can do while watching tv. My brother and sil were in their living room so I pulled out my own step. I was aiming for the whole hour but think I did about 40 min with starting late and a phone call I had to take, and resting. And I don't know how many steps it was, I know less than on the wii fit as this is twice as tall so more difficult but I was definitely sweating. During Castle I could be more distracted. I get Fitness magazine and they always have exercises you can do. Well today was the first time (I have been reading that magazine off and on for a decade) that I actually followed one. It was 6 exercises supposed to work your arms but I felt like my abs were worked more. Don't get me wrong it was definitely difficult but I didn't feel like pushing myself. I did each exercise at 12 reps 3 times but I wasn't really shaking or anything by the end. I may try it again or the other options they have this month. After Castle was over I wanted to do a little more. So I started my Biggest Loser Yoga dvd. Let me tell you this is no easy yoga. As I mentioned with the other one they have it set as a 6 week program so you start with 20 min and then work up. I thought, the last one I did the whole thing why not this one. I was SO wrong. By the end of the first 20 min I was exhausted and sweating. Some of the exercises I couldn't even do because I am not strong enough yet. Like half way through I was thinking that anyone who is thinking of going on the show should totally have to do this video first. I would fall to the ground and I would think about how if I was on the show I would so be screamed at right now for not keeping the pose. And I couldn't quit after 20 min I would have to do whatever full day crazy routine. I think the yoga video has cured me of my desire to go on the show. It was so funny how quickly I changed my mind (they are accepting videos right now and I keep considering sending in a video and leaving it up to God.)

There was a flip side to the video though. Although it was so hard it scared me. I was also watching the contestants that were demonstrating the moves. These were contestants that appear from 2 different seasons mixed together it looks like it was taped mid season 6. One was Ali, from season 5. She lost all her weight and has kept it off. And then you look at some of the other girls like Vickie and Heba, from season 6, and both of them are still big and huge "batwing" arms. And in my head I just kept thinking I want to be like Ali and not Heba and then I couldn't hold the poses and it was frustrating. So then I was frustrated and although I was exhausted and tired I made myself get up and started one of my WAP video's and walked a mile. I was able to complete it no problem, difficult but I didn't give up or anything. So now after a shower and a glass of OJ I am feeling a bit sore in my muscles. I know that the steps and the walking video were just cardio. That the magazine ideas and the yoga video is what really worked my muscles. I think in total I exercised for about 2 hrs today.

So altogether a great day. Now I am exhausted am going to go crawl into bed. I can't believe I stated up till 1:30am again. Still got to work on that.

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Week 2 - 1 lb loss

Saturday 2/6/10

So it is saturday again which means weekly weigh in day. I was feeling kind of confident because I knew I worked out pretty hard this week and my pants have been feeling looser. I was worried about the last two days, as you know they have not been my best. So when I stepped on the wii fit and it only said a loss of 1.1 lbs I was sad. I just stood their for a little while staring at the number. I try to remember that a 1 lb loss is good, that is actually my goal and well I reached it. I did also the tape measure because I wondered about the loose pants. And indeed I lost 2 inches on my waste. So it does go to show that it isn't always about the number on the scale.

*****

I did not exercise today. I just didn't feel like it. Which I know is not good but it is what it is. I also didn't eat so well tonight. I still have stupid klondike bars in my freezer and although I ate everything great today through dinner this evening went down hill. I had 2 klondike bars and a bag of 100 cal popcorn. Oh and one of these amazing oreo chocolate balls my brother and sil made, it was amazing but not so good for me. The problem is that I now of course don't feel good at all. My stomach hurts and I don't feel good now. I knew I wasn't hungry when I ate the second ice cream bar. And I even knew I was full when I started popping the popcorn. I don't know why I did this to myself. Why the idea that food is going to make things somehow better can convince me to eat when I shouldn't, what I shouldn't. Sure I had an instant flow of endorphins or whatever creating a moment of... I don't know happiness I guess. But was it really worth it? More than the way I feel physically right now it is more about the weight I lost and the inches. Would I give up those 2 inches for some ice cream and popcorn? That is kind of what I told my body, that it wasn't worth it. (Obviously I eat 2 in worth of calories but you get the point.) But I am worthy of feeling healthy! But I need to remember that in that moment before I eat whatever junk that my worth is not tied up in this food. That feeling good all day or week is better than feeling good for the 2 to 5 min it took to eat whatever. And most important is I need to not be scared to throw it away. I waste money on stuff all the time. The bananas went bad, I only ate half of my dinner at a restaurant, or even the open can that got lost in the back of the fridge. So why when I am standing there listening to my popcorn pop recognizing the fact that I feel full do I eat it anyways. The bag was less than a dollar, I shouldn't have eaten it just because it was already popped. I should have listened to my body, put it in a plastic bag and taken to the trash can outside. In fact I should have stopped half way through my second ice cream bar when i knew i was an idiot for eating it and actually stopped enjoying it at that point. Just thrown it away instead of worrying about throwing away good ice cream. It is just food, food that, in that moment, was not at all good for me.


****

I want to thank anyone still reading this for your positive prayers and thoughts for me while I go through this. And thank you for the supportive comments some of you have left. I did have a friend post yesterday about a sermon series her pastor is currently doing called "Get FiTT" being done at Community of Faith church in TX. I haven't had the time to watch an entire sermon but I enjoyed the parts I had a chance to watch. I assume tomorrow they will move to week 4 of the series but luckily they have all prior episodes online so I am excited to sit down each day this week and watch them. It doesn't matter how often I go to church I seem to always leave God out of my weight loss. Of course at first I am always praying but really I need to be turning to him during all of my ups and downs through this change to healthy living. That is why I am excited about this sermon series to help connect my health with God. I know its His temple, the connection should be easy. But why then is it missed so often.

On that same note I just finished a book called "Fat Chance" by Julie Hadden. I think I mentioned it before, it is by a woman who lost a lot of weight on The Biggest Loser. Through out the book Julie talks about her faith and how she not only rely on God at times but also grew closer to Him through this process. Over and over again she talks about God being their to listen when she was exhausted after working out for 6 hrs. And how important it is to really understand that you are worth the changes. That God values us and wants everything for us which includes living a healthy and long life. But first recognizing that even if you don't think you are worth it to get healthy God does think you are worth it. I was just so inspired by this book. Although I checked it out from the library I may have to buy a copy of it. I have spent a week reading through it just rereading inspirational stories from Julie.

So one thing I meant to mention yesterday but didn't was my experience playing football yesterday. One of the 4th grade boys in my after school program plays football on Saturdays. I had practiced with him a couple weeks ago (can't remember if I told you this before so sorry if I have.) Anyways, he punts (kicks) the ball to me and I either catch it or chase after it and throw it back. And we did this for awhile, I don't know how long. But I started getting so tired, eventually my aim was so off at throwing and I was sure my face was red so I had to quite helping him practice. Yesterday he asked again if I would help him practice and again it was the same thing. Catch or chase after the ball and then throw it across the field. I played for a good 25 min before I had to stop. And I didn't stop because I was tired i stopped because I started getting a caffeine headache. While I was playing I just kept thinking about how much easier it was to run around and throw the ball. How I wasn't out of breath and I was pretty sure my face didn't get red this time. I was so proud of myself and so excited to actually see the difference in my work life, how I had improved. So that that was my "yea me" for yesterday. I am not sure I have one today...well unless it is unfitness related. I had gone to a Sat evening service at a local church I had never attended before and this evening on the way home from my sisters I felt the Holy Spirit prompt me to go again. And although I felt hungry and tired I went anyways and really enjoyed it. I have wanted a new bible class during the week and although this is a sermon not a class I am really enjoying it and feel comfortable there. So the plan is if I get off babysitting in time then I will try to go every week. We will see how that goes. So "yea me" for listening to that "still small voice" instead of my whiny physical body. :)

Saturday, February 6, 2010

A friday

Friday 2/5/10

I seem to be very internally conflicted right now. Today I ate 3 Klondik bars, exercised for an 1 1/2, and then stayed up late even though I know I have to wake up tomorrow morning to babysit. Why am I so self destructive? Why do I get so scared when I see positive results/ changes in my life? But most important how do I get past this before I gain all the weight back?

Friday, February 5, 2010

Blah Thursday

Thursday 2/4/10

If I had to give today a good or bad rating I would say bad.

My day started bad because I was in pain. Last night I had stubbed my little toe on some luggage I was storeing some old clothes in. But also my right knee is giving me some pain as well. Then not very long after waking up I am feeling tension in my upper back. I don't understand this since I haven't been sore after working out so why when I didn't exercise yesterday would I be sore all of a sudden. The knee hurt off and on all day. It just feels sore, the pain is kind of on the side of the knee so it is a little weird. The pain is like 2 maybe a 3 but bad at all so no pain pills. But I find it annoying. Breakfast and lunch went fine. After work I came home and had a nice salad. Then about a half hour later I had some chicken and rice. About a half hour after that my stomach started to hurt. Now my gut reaction was that I was hungry still and needed to eat more. Then all I could think about was the ice cream in my freezer. I tried to push the thoughts away. It didn't make any sense for me to be hungry. So when I actually stopped to think about the pain I realized it wasn't hunger it was pain. My stomach was upset with what I ate. Now maybe I ate too much or maybe it was what I ate. The chicken was processed full of nitrates and hormones. And the rice was pre-seasoned, cook in 60 seconds in the microwave type. I am not sure which of the three so I am going to now have to be careful when I eat more of those things.

But the thought of ice cream was on the brain. I fought it off for like 2 hrs and then I caved. I ate the rest of my pint of ice cream and cool whip, about 1 cup of each. Ate one point while I was eating I was actually full, I knew I should stop, I had only eaten about half. But I didn't. I just didn't care. Although part of me knew better and was trying to convince me to good and I kept looking up success stories of weight loss online I just didn't care about the consequences. The ice cream was good and I was watching a great tv show. After my shows were over I of course felt some guilt. I ended up walking a total of 4 miles with my WAP dvd's. I really tried to push myself with each mile and although I kept wanting to quit with the same "don't care" attitude I was happy to get through what I did. At first I wanted to do 6 miles but my knee was constantly hurting by mile 3. I though instead I should go jump on the wii for a little while instead but that didn't happen as well. Instead I crashed on the couch and watched another hour or two of tv.

So although I did walk 4 miles which probably burned off at least some of the ice cream. I log today as a fail because of my attitude all afternoon. I really need to work on that and figure out why I feel so down.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Life's first test failed

Wednesday 2/3/10

On Wednesday's after work I have church. If I am going to work till 6pm then I just pack a dinner but lately I have been able to leave early on wednesdays. So I have time to go home and eat before heading to church. Well my co-worker called in sick today which means instead of getting off at 5 - 5:30 I got off at 5:50 so I had to stop somewhere for dinner. I knew I should eat somewhere healthy like Paradise Bakery or Subway. But where did I end up? In-n-out, it was so delicious but I know it was awful for me. Ok, I could have gotten worse and actually in-n-out is actually not so bad when comparing burger joints. At first I felt totally guilty but now that it is later I realize that it is ok to sometimes eat out. Could I have made a healthier choice, of course but out of my options I think I did ok.

I decided to take the day off from exercising today. Watched a couple movies instead and I sorted through some old clothes. When I last moved I gave a lot of clothes to goodwill that were like 16-18 size because I am currently a size 28 and didn't think I needed to hold on to them anymore. Plus, most were very outdated as I haven't worn that size since high school a decade ago. But I do have some clothes still. So I went through and sorted out the clothes by size. I have about a tub full of 24-26 so that will be helpful so I don't have to spend much on clothes I will eventually shrink out of. I know this seems optimistic but why not be optimistic? I figure it is part of having the right mind set. I know that I am already close to a size 26 and if I keep up my current healthy habits I will get there. I am excited about it.

One really exciting thing did happen today that I wanted to share. At work I take the kids I watch after school outside for awhile. As most schools do they have a big field and play ground equipment and such. I try to always be walking around checking on the kids. Then I noticed an incident occurring across the field with at least one child on the ground crying. So I run across the field to him. As I am reaching the situation it occurs to me that not only am I running faster than I have in the past, it is much easier to be running, and I am not out of breath. Often times I run across the field and I have to stop to catch my breath but that wasn't a problem at all this time. I was able to immediately handle the situation. I just felt so happy about it because this is exactly why I want to be healthier. I don't want my weight to get in the way of helping someone or working with kids. So this is my yea me for the day. I seem to be finding them daily which I just love and is great motivation to continue as I am going.

But it is also the little things that are great. I was feeling bad for eating unhealthy for dinner. I had already decided earlier today I didn't want to eat ice cream again today because it should be a treat not an everyday experience. I was hungry this evening and although part of me was saying "oh well today is ruined anyways just eat the ice cream" I pushed the thought aside and was able to sit down with some yogurt and granola. A much healthier option for my evening. I can really see how each little decision through out the day can make a difference. Though here I am again at 1am, still not in bed. Though I am headed there now. I got to work on this 8 hrs of sleep thing. :)

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Exercise Overload?

Tuesday 2/2/10

So right off I will say I did watch Lost instead of Biggest Loser. And it was totally worth it! I Love that show!!

Today was good. I ate pretty well. At work they give the kids ice cream sandwiches or fruit bars once a week. So today I was totally thinking of taking one, an ice cream sandwich sounded so good. I don't think I am really supposed to take them but they offer them to me friday when we give them to the pre-K I work with at lunch time. I usually turn it down. Anyways, so I clocked out for my lunch break and they were right there in the kitchen freezer but I totally just pushed the idea aside and walked straight to the break room. I was so proud of myself!

Now for dinner I did have nachos. I know not so healthy. But I ate them in a bowl to limit the amount I ate (the plates were all dirty) so corn chips, cheese, chicken, and salsa. All in reasonable portions, I know I didn't over due it like i sometimes do so not too bad. I was just tired of chicken and rice or chicken wraps and wanted something different. This evening I actually stopped by Whole Foods. I usually buy all my stuff from Fry's. They have the different organic and nutritious foods I have been looking for. The only thing they don't seem to have is less processed meat. So I stopped at whole foods and they have some no preservative, no hormone, pasture fed beef, chicken and turkey. They have it frozen, which is how I prefer, I am not a big cook. The prices are of course a little higher which I don't mind for healthier meat. The only bad side is I can't microwave it. But pulling out a cookie sheet and heating it up in the oven isn't a huge deal. Plus they have some chicken strips that can be microwaved which will be quick when i am making a chicken wrap. I did again have ice cream tonight but measured it out so it was only a serving, again yea me!

So with my stop at Whole Foods I ended up eating dinner at 7pm so I watched the recap episode of Lost. Then the premier was on from 8-10. I had my ice cream about half way through there. Afterwards I turned the tv off so I could exercise. I again wanted to do something more than just walking. So I put in my Biggest Loser Cardio Mix dvd. There are some positives and negatives to these. The great thing is the way they have you work up your intensity. They have you start at 20 min for the first 2 weeks, then 30 min for weeks 3-4, and then 40 min for weeks 5-6. I think this is a great option for beginners because you really do have to start slow. The exercises are intense having both cardio and weights being used. I was definitely sweating within the first 15 min. Which I don't always sweat on my WAP videos. I know I have been exercising for a couple weeks now so I tried to do the entire 40 min. I am proud to say I was successful! There were a few things I had trouble with; push-ups, plank positions, jumping jacks. But it always had options for me so I could do a variation of the exercise. Now the bad part. Each section has one of the trainers and several of the BL contestants. It is clear they filmed the video half way through taping the show as they are at partial physical ability. Sometimes the trainer stops doing the exercise to check the form of the contestants. This often creates confusion with the contestants as to if they should continue or stop and then at what speed to continue at. The trainers are also not the best at communicating how many are left, when to change, when to continue. I am an avid workout video watcher so I kind of expect these things. But worse than confusing me this confuses the contestants so they are often not all doing the same thing. They may have done this to make us feel more comfortable, since they aren't perfect either, but I find it frustrating to be confused so often. I think with repetition I will memorize the exercises and change without prompts but at first it is hard. Actual it was kind of funny. At the like 30 min mark, so the last exercise of the stage 2 workout the exercise is so difficult the contestants can't even do it. A couple like really try and mostly fail and then the trainer try's to make it more difficult which is just funny to see them try to do. It is also obvious none of the 4 have even tried the exercise before. I did try but it involved balancing on my butt in like a V shape while pushing legs out. The first way has your arms down as anchors and then hard without your arms down. I don't, it was hard but funny.

After the video I wanted to a little more so I went over to the wii fit plus. I love it because I can alternate between cardio and like balancing exercises. So I get my heart rate up with stepping or something and then kind of take a break while trying to juggle while standing on a ball. I got about 15 min done or so, about 100 cal. Then I did the bike riding option. Now with this you are really just walking in place on the wii bored. Each step is a peddle and so you step faster when going up a hill and sometimes stop walking when coasting down hill. Anyways I like this because it is fun to ride around the island they created looking for flags. As you go along they add tougher rides. At this point I had 4 levels of difficult the highest being expert. I wasn't sure I really wanted to do that but I hadn't tried it yet so I went for it. I knew I was crazy when I had only gotten 10 out of 20 flags and I was already at 4 miles. As I said this was level 4 at level 2 I completed the course in 4 miles. But I kept going wanted to finish it and interested to try and find the flags. It is kind of set up like a maze to try and find them all. Eventually my brother goes "Are you still exercising?" I said yes and explained I didn't mean to be going so long. I was actually grabbing my last flag at the time and heading to the finish line. Turns out I went a little over 11 miles and it took me 44 min. It honestly didn't feel like that long while i was doing it but I can totally see why my brother asked me about still exercising. On the wii I did a total of 71 min and I think 373 calories. Even after a long shower I can feel some tension in my back so we will see how I feel tomorrow. Tomorrow is wed so I am not sure if I will get any exercise in. It is so late already maybe I will go to bed early tomorrow night.

Summary: Ate good, resisted temptations. Did a 40 min intense video and 71 min on the wii

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Monday Monday

Monday 2/1/10

So I just want to do a quick post with an update from today. I did great with my food. I even went grocery shopping today and I everything I bought is toward my new health goal. Now I have been craving ice cream, I haven't had any for 3 weeks. Partly because it is my greatest food addiction and partly because when I try to have a little I tend to start craving more sugar. But I wanted to make sure I didn't wind up at a Dairy Queen binging (I see them everywhere lately) so at the store I bought a pint of Haggen-Dazs chocolate chocolate-chip. It has like 6 ingredients so more natural and it is only a little. Tonight I got out my measuring cup and a small bowl and measured out just 1/2 a cup plus 1/2 cup of cool whip. It was great! It met the craving I had and I didn't have much of a problem wanting more (well after I put my dirty bowl away to stop reminding me about it.) So it was a great day food wise.

I wasn't sure I was going to exercise today but I was feeling good and had some time so I did. I was feeling a little bored with my walking videos but I have several others. I actually have 4 Biggest Loser video's and a video from The Firm, it was on an infomercial forever ago. I showed them to my dad and he randomly choose The Firm. Now honestly out of the five he had to choose this is the most difficult but I decided to do it anyways. I popped it in and got to work. The cardio session I chose was 55 min and it is very intense. I made it about 20 min and felt like my heart was going to beat out of my chest. I took a break for a couple min and tried to start again. I got maybe 5 min and then I just couldn't do it. My heart was beating so fast it just seemed stupid to keep it up. So I only made it 25 min but overall I am proud. I remember when I have tried this video before and I only got about 10 min in. I can definitely tell my WAP videos and wii fit plus have increased my physical ability. I wanted to keep exercising though so I moved over to one of my Walk Away the Pounds dvd's. I did one mile but it was advanced so it definitely kicked my butt. So in total only 40 min of exercise but I know that it was 40 min at a higher level than I have been going. And hopefully one day, not too far away, I will be able to get through the entire Firm video.

Now I do have to say I am very conflicted about tomorrow night. Watching Biggest Loser has been a motivational to help me exercise while it is on. But Lost starts tomorrow and I am a huge Lost fan. Tomorrow from 7-8 Lost is a recap and BL is a rerun and then they pitted the 2 hr BL right against the 2-hr premier of Lost. I looked up next weeks schedule and it looks like Lost will stay in the 8-9 hour which is against the second half of BL. So what do I do? I am leaning toward BL because it has a week delay in going online and Lost is available the next day. But my brother will be watching Lost in the next room so I don't know how I will handle that. The other thing is I don't think I will want to exercise at the same time. It is always just so excited and so many things going on it would be hard to watch two screens at once. Ahhh! I don't know. I think I have just convinced myself to watch Lost since every week I will have the 7-8 hr open to exercise plus half the time I exercise after 10pm anyways since I am a night owl. I will let you know my final decision tomorrow.