About Me

Hi, my name is Angela and welcome to my blog. This is a place where I write about my life in an honest and open way.

I am 36 years old, single, and a Christian. God gave me a heart to work with children and so I spend my day teaching kindergarten. It is my fourth year teaching and although it is hard I love it. I currently go to a college for my BA in Elementary Education which keeps me busy. Between work and school there is not much time left but I enjoy serving and helping others, watching netflix, or reading a good book.

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Not Again

I lay down on my bed just wanting to sleep. At my 3 hour write-in I only wrote 500 words, a low for me. I was withdrawn and not good at encouraging. In fact I was chatting nearly the entire time, which most likely made me a distraction. I stop on the way home to buy more craft supplies. I have this new desire to do painting, (the guy I like paints and I am totally aware this is part of my new desire.) I also decided that I should make an ornament for the ornament exchange I am going to in a couple weeks.

I lay in my bed wanting to be painting but knowing that I should be doing homework. Truth: I had two assignments due on Saturday that I did not do. I have no desire to do them. I try to get myself to read the book and my mind is completely distracted. Here I am on Monday night and it is still not done.

I lay under my blanket and feel like I could fall asleep when I realize this is depression. I didn’t wake up until eleven there is no way I should be tired. I am depressed. Knowing this, my emotions these last few days make so much more sense. That is why I am struggling with doing homework and writing my novel and being social. I know what I have to do.

I get up, get my books, and walk out the door to find somewhere with internet to do my homework. I will not let depression win. I am stronger then my depression.  

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

27K Words in 13 Days

I thought I should update here but as I open this up to write I realize not much has changed. I am writing my novel and that is going well. I think today's goal was 24K and I hit 27K today. The last section I wrote today I am not very happy with. If I leave it then I loose out on a whole story line and I really think that to a reader they will feel like it is out of no where. I really need to stretch the idea back into the whole sub plot I had before. But that means moving those words away and possibly not using them again. Though I recommend to others that they keep a delete folder so they still count the words so why shouldn't I do the same thing.

School is going well though I haven't done school work at all Monday or Tuesday and it is driving me a little crazy. I am worried I am falling behind. I have a lot of things due and I need to stop putting off the work. Usually I spend Monday morning on homework but the Phoenix Koman foundation needed help with data entry so I volunteered for several hours to help out on Monday. It was boring but I helped get a lot of work done so that is good.

This evening I ditched my Celebrate Recovery meeting. I have been feeling some frustrations with my group lately and I need to just make a decision about it. So I should have done homework but instead I watched a couple of Christian movies I found on Netflix. I really like the movie "The Encounter," actually I own it I like it so much. So I was flipping through and they have a type sequel called "The Encounter: Lost Paradise." I think I like the first one better but they are both really good. Then I watched "Mark" about hijackers on a plane and included the rapture and the universal chip that will be the mark from satan. It was okay, I wouldn't see it again but I am glad I watched it.

I have been reading the books I mentioned in the last post. I started with "First Kiss." I had read this one before and I liked it just as much the second time. A book I would definitely recommend. Next I started "Marriable." It turned out to be the Christian version of the rules. It was jam packed full of crazy games to play, not what I am looking for. I made it about halfway before I couldn't take it anymore. I am currently reading "Am I the One?" This is a good one. It has lots of tips and information. I am reading it slower so I can really focus on what each chapter has to say. I wanted to supplement my reading time with something else so I am also reading "Loving People." This was not in the stack but a book I kept with these. Due to some of my past I know that I struggle with even the idea of love. I only just started this but hopefully it will provide me a better understanding of love and how to love people.

The dryer just went off which mean my last load of laundry is finally done. I am going to fold it and head to bed. Tomorrow is going to be another long day, though everyday seems to be this month.

Sunday, November 4, 2012

A moment stolen from the craziness of life

My life is crazy right now. I know it has been a month since I posted but I have just been so busy. I am not tracking like I should and I haven't exercised lately but they are both on my mind daily. They just seem to be getting lost in the mess of everything else.

In the past I have wondered how women do it. I have a cousin who have five kids, is active in her church and her community, she is working on her Masters degree, recently ran for a local political seat and still seems to take lots of vacations to visit family and friends all the time. How does she do it?!

Well, I think God is showing me. I had told you before I have been really praying about meeting my future husband and having a family. My life is so crazy right now I feel like it God saying, "Are you sure? Do you really think you are ready to handle it?" And I just keep pushing forward saying yes. Yes, I can handle all of this.

You probably know all this but I want to just lay it all out. Right now I am working 15 hours a week, volunteering at church 5 hours a week and try to volunteer other times during the month as well. I attend 5+ hours a week in bible studies or church services. I am also taking 15 credit hours at school which has been having some very unique problems lately. I am also doing Nanowrimo. This means that I am writing a novel this month which equates to about 3 hrs of writing a day. On top of that I am the ML, leader for Phoenix which I would say adds at least ten hours a week driving to events and spending time online. My brain is going in so many directions I have trouble writing my novel because I can't seem to just focus on my novel.

All of this doesn't include household chores like laundry, dishes and shopping. I am trying to figure out when I can add back in my exercise because I really wish I was exercising daily. You would think this was enough. That my brain and time were packed to capacity but it's not. See I just keep thinking about dating. I think about finding my husband, not missing when God points him out to me. Not doing something stupid to push away who I am supposed to be with.

So despite all this. All the things I could be and should be doing what do I want to do? I want to read. See along the way in life I have bought christian books on dating. I tried to read them but I wasn't really interested or it just didn't seem like the right time. I have kept this stack of books on my shelf knowing that one day I would read them. One day it would be the time to pull out these books and read all these books teenagers read about dating. Today I found myself pulling out the stack and looking through trying to decide which to read first. Part of me realizes how crazy this is. I can't read right now! Definitely not a whole stack of books. But that is all I can think about. See because despite the fact that I am busy with other things, my longing and my deepest desire is to marry and have children.

I thought I would share with you the books I plan to read. I don't know that I will actually get through them this month, that sounds crazy. But I think it is time to start going through them. Time to start seeing God's perspective on sex, love, and marriage.

I do want to note: I know this is not a magic bullet. I will not read these books and a perfect man will suddenly appear. In fact I know that no man is perfect. I also know that God's timing is still God's timing which perfect. But just as I prepare my body physically for having children I must prepare my spirit and my mind for Marriage. I think this is one step along the way of doing that.