About Me

Hi, my name is Angela and welcome to my blog. This is a place where I write about my life in an honest and open way.

I am 36 years old, single, and a Christian. God gave me a heart to work with children and so I spend my day teaching kindergarten. It is my fourth year teaching and although it is hard I love it. I currently go to a college for my BA in Elementary Education which keeps me busy. Between work and school there is not much time left but I enjoy serving and helping others, watching netflix, or reading a good book.

Saturday, May 29, 2010

Oh what a week

So long story short this week I have been off my prozac. It has been long enough that it is out of my system and I only just restarted again but it will take time to build up again. So for most of the week I have been feeling the effects of depression (don't want to do anything, have no interests, no appetite and then can't eat enough) it totally sucks. I have lived with this long enough that when I started acting different I noticed it and recognized why. I know that it is a short time and then my drugs will kick in again and I will feel more like myself but right now...it is just hard. I am just so thankful for my relationship with God because without Him I don't know how I would get through this.

So for the last couple days I have eaten way too much! I did go to Curves three times this week and then on wed I didn't go to the gym but I did try to channel my craziness and spent an hour on my hands and knees scrubbing the kitchen floor (this hadn't been done in years.) So I count it as 4 days of exercise. I didn't want to but I weighed in anyways. My waist went down half an inch but I also gained 8 lbs. I have no idea how that is even possible. So I am not actually freaking out because the waist went down and if it was a real 8 lbs then it should have gone up. I am going to try to be more piticular about the food I put in my mouth this week and we will see what happens then. Oh, and I am not changing the scale on the top of the blog because I do think this is a fluke so if you are curious my 8lb gain does put me at 267 for the week.

Curves Gym: The first week I loved it, I was ready to sign up. I went 6 days that week and felt great. The second week I got food poising and only went 2 days and was frustrated by their limited hours. Week three I went 3 days and I saw a definite difference on the days I worked out when others are talking to me or around me compared to when I am on my own. Even with conversations around me I get distracted and sometimes miss the 30 second queue. On the day I worked with no one talking I definitely pushed myself but I feel like I may have pushed the machines as far as I will be able to. In reality you can only do so many reps in 30 seconds. So after lots of thought, I mean lots and lots of back and forth. I determined that staying at Curves would be the easy thing to do. I go in, I do my circle twice and leave. No thought, I am not actually pushing myself very hard, no muscle fatigue, and lovely women to talk to. But I am not going to see the results I want to see, and after 5 or 6 months I don't know that I will be even pushing myself if the first week I can easily do the circuit all 6 days. Going to a real gym is the hard choice. I need to move around the gym from machine to machine. I have remember what weight for each machine and count my reps. I will have to actually sit down and talk with a personal trainer to figure out what equipment I should be using. So part of me says "easy, easy, easy" and the other part says "loosing weight takes effort, don't lock yourself into a contract that doesn't correspond with your goal."

I keep looking at other gym info, checking out prices and deals. Besides Curves the other gym I seem to be attracted to is 24 Hour Fitness. It is right down the street, they have classes that will fit into my schedule, its not actually 24 hours but they are open probably twice as many hours as Curves. The question I have had the last couple days is if I get to work with a trainer when i sign up to get a workout plan that will help me toward my goals. So today I went to their site to see and I found out yes they do offer a fitness orientation, which the description sounds like what I was looking for. The other thing I noticed on their site was promotion that offered a 1 year membership for $199, this normally runs $299. That makes my monthly fee about $16.60. Their isn't a better deal out there. Their normal fee is $24.99-$26.99 which I was already considering paying. So I signed up. I felt totally nervous because you pay for the full $200 all up front and so that is kind of big purchase. I know it is a great deal and I know that I was considering a contract at Curves anyways and this has a lot more options. Ok, can you tell I still feel nervous about it? I really like it though because even if something happens later, it is already paid for so I don't have to worry about a recurring fee. Plus with extra hours last week and some babysitting I have set up for next week I have the money right now.

On a side note I did want to mention the cost for the Curves near me here in Phoenix. I guess rates do vary by location as they are franchise not corporate. But it was $34.99 a month with a one year contract or $44.99 a month without contract. And then the initial fee is $44 but because I did the 30 days for $30 they waive the fee if you sign the contract during the 30 days. And then they have this new Curves Smart system where you have a key card you put in the machine so it tracks how hard you work out and makes sure you go a full 30 seconds on each machine. And that is a $25 set up fee plus and additional $5 a month. So I would have wanted the Smart system so $40 a month plus $25 to start with a 1 year contract. But the compare that to the $16.60 membership I just signed up for and I save $305 this year. Ok, putting it that way I feel better about signing up at 24 Hour Fitness.

It is kind of weird because I am actually currently a member of two different gyms right now. I only have a week left at Curves. They just moved to a new location, which is why I didn't work out Fri or Sat because they were closed. So I think I might go check out the location a few times just to get my full $30 worth. And then I need to set up the orientation apt and then I don't know when that will be but I can still go in and start doing cardio in the mean time. Just to admit to you how crazy this was, I have seen the outside but I have never been inside this gym or met anyone from the location. I would have done the 7 day free trial but the offer was only through Monday. I think it was a Memorial deal or something. Alright I think that is it for now. It is late and I have church and babysitting in the morning.

Saturday, May 22, 2010

Saturday Update

At weigh in this evening I lost 3.8 lbs, which puts me at 258lbs! My waist size went down as well to 50" so that is awesome. If you read my last post you know this week I had food poisoning for 3 days and most of that time I was bloated (both totally annoying.) I managed to get to the gym on both Thursday and Friday this week. So I don't know if the change in weight/body is due to being sick or real weight loss. I really hope those pounds stay off.

Right now I am feeling really conflicted about Curves gym. The first week I loved it, I thought it was great and I was ready to sign up for the year. But now I have a few concerns and questions. First is my heart rate. I mostly stay in the 60% burn for my heart rate and occasionally get into the low 70's. I know for cardio I need to get into a steady 80% to do a really good work out so I have been concerned about my current usage. But most of the circuit is strength training with a 30 sec cardio between so I don't think it makes sense to be at a very high burn. I don't know, I am going to do some research on this. Second, the ladies their love to chat. I try to stick to myself but they try to include me in conversations and I don't want to be rude. But when you have 30 seconds to do specific machine and move on you really have to concentrate. I know I am not getting as good of a workout when this happens but I really just want to focus on what I am doing. I want to bring in my ipod, maybe with that on and having music that I know has a fast beat could help but if I have it loud enough I don't hear the gym's music not only will I hurt my ears but then I don't know that I will hear the "move stations" announcement every 30 seconds. I need to find a polite way to just say "shut up!" I actually saw one woman try to say something subtle about not getting as good of a workout when talking to try to get the other woman to stop distracting her, it didn't work. The other lady just kept chit-chatting, of course she wasn't even on a machine at the time just walking along with the woman trying to exercise so she could have the conversation. One day I even had a woman try to sell some candle burner/night light. I couldn't believe she this was the time, she finished her sales pitch to one woman, started working out next to me and tried to sell it to me, she then tried to get me to stop working out to go over and look at one. I tried to politely say "no thanks." The third problem is the hours. Ok, really I am just annoyed today. Saturday's I babysit all day. I have enough time to go before work so that is what I did last week. This week I knew I was getting off work early so I thought, hey sleep in and go after work. I got home, got dressed, even put on silly socks because today was silly sock day, then I had some gut feeling I should check todays hours before I go, I pulled out the sheet I got the day I started and sure enough they are only open 8-12. I couldn't believe it, only 4 hours. I was so frustrated. I mean, really now that I know I can work around that, always remember to go before work not after on Saturday's.

Overall I love the idea of it, I just go and do and be done. I can do my cardio at home, no big deal. I love that I don't have to fidget with machines they are resistance bands or something so it works harder the faster I do a rep. I love that they are just in a circle so I go from one to the next and that their is no problem with someone being on my machine (actually that isn't always true when people get distracted by talking and don't move) but 9 times out of 10 I just flow to my next stop. It is really close to my house and they are moving a mile away but still not too bad of a drive. So I obviously still need to figure out if I am going to stay with them or not. I have 2 more weeks as part of my 30 days for $30 deal, then I will either have to sign a contract or do something else. So before I do that I think tomorrow I will look up strength training heart rate info, Monday I will take my ipod and try it out, and then the true test wait my two more weeks and see if I am getting the same type of results as I have the last two weeks. I do know from today that it seems easier to go to Curves instead of doing one of my Biggest Loser video's. Mostly because I feel like I can't do any of the exercises correctly or long enough so I tend to feel like a failure when I do those and at Curves I know the equipment and I can just do it and be done. The video's are much harder and burn a lot more calories but if I can still loose weight this way and enjoy it more then that makes sense to me instead of trying to convince myself to put on 30 Day Shred that I don't want to do because I HATE jumping jacks. Like I have literally only done that video one time like months ago and all I can remember is that she wants me to do jumping jacks. I would be surprised that even if one day I reach my goal weight of 150 that I would be willing to do jumping jacks. Oh no! I just realized I bet at that Boot Camp I signed up for they are going to make me do jumping jacks. Man that would suck! Maybe there is an alternative I can do. And yes it is because my boobs are too big to be jumping up and down even when I have the correct sports bra on. I am not made to be jumping up and down like that when their are other options that don't disturb my chest so much. :) I know its silly but I know plenty of women who agree. :)

Alright I think that is it for now. I will leave you with just one more thing, a few numbers I worked out that I am pretty excited about.

Highest Weight: 314
Current Weight: 258
Goal Weight: 148

Lost so far: 66 lbs
Left to go: 110 lbs

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Food poisoning and emotions

Ok so I am totally frustrated and so I am going to lay it all out. So yes that means a negative post and I try to stay away from those but this is my life and writing it out helps me deal.

So last week I decided to join Curves gym. I signed up for the 30 days for $30 deal to try it out. I liked it. It wasn't getting my heart rate high enough at first but I am working on that. I actually went 6 times last week plus because that was helping me feel so good I also did 30 min of additional cardio at home 4 days last week. I was so proud of myself and feeling great. And I really learned how easy it was to plug it into my life. I think out of 6 workouts I went 5 different times of day because my schedule kept changing last week. At my sat weigh in I lost 2 lbs dropping me to 264 and I dropped an inch taking back down to 51". I was way excited. I felt like maybe this is just what I needed to get myself moving again.

On monday morning when I woke up I didn't feel well. Turns out I had food poisoning. And not the kind where you just get sick, your body expels everything and then you get better. No here I am on day three of my food poisoning. Day one was mostly painful with my intestines just cramping all day and then day 2 and 3...well I had diarrhea and lots of it. The problem is I don't even know what caused this which is just more frustrating. So I am going to through out some stuff that may be the cause and just hope for the best with everything else. I have a couple things in mind that may have caused this so we will see. Ok really I will be praying I don't get sick again because this sucks!

The worst isn't just that I am sick it is that I am missing the exercise routine I had just created. Plus they keep calling me in for extra hours at work so on mon I worked 8.5 hrs and then tue I worked 10 hrs. Tomorrow I get 8 hrs too (I normally work 4.5 hrs a day.) I really need the money so I am super excited about the hours but feeling sick the entire time is not so helpful. The missing exercise thing wouldn't bother me as much, I tend to get a cold within 4 weeks of starting an exercise routine. I usually blame the devil for trying to get me off track. :) But since monday I have been way bloated, my pants barely fit. I measured, this food poisoning has made me grow 1.5" overnight! It is crazy! You are supposed to loose weight with food poisoning not gain weight. I haven't weighed myself because if I gained weight then I would freak. I am feeling a little better this evening but I start work at 8am so I think I will hit the gym after work instead of before.

Ok so that's not it. I wish that was it. I could have skipped blogging about it but then some emotional stuff got in the way too. I keep wanting to start this story by saying, "You know how..." but then I realize that nobody does which is part of the problem. So here I am 28 and single, totally single. I usually don't mind, its a trial God gave me and I live with it. But for awhile now I kind of hold on to the fact that I am not a totally looser because I have friends who are single still. Now the thing about that is that most of my friends are younger than me and as of late the only single friends I have have really only been acquaintance. I had this one friend in particular that, I don't know, I guess in my head I could be like "I am not the only single girl, she is single too." Two days ago I found out she is engaged. I am totally happy for her and the guy is a great guy so its totally awesome. But for me...its like I am the only single girl now. And then of course the same time I saw that on facebook I also see that my friend named her new son. Again, totally excited for her, and I love the name she chose! But it just makes me ask God why? Why am I not married yet? Why do I not have kids yet? I am great with kids, everyone says so and honestly I know it. I know that God gave me this as a gift. But I don't understand why I can't use this gift for my own kids. And then I have been trying to exercise to loose weight and feel better and be healthier. And when I was exercising I generally feel better about myself because I am taking care of myself but here I am sick again for some unknown reason and can't even do that. It is all just so frustrating like I can't do anything right!

I know that its just a moment. I know that God has a plan. I know that wether or not I ever get married or have kids (tears) that God will take care of me. That He knows what is best for me and has a plan. I know that when I feel better I will get back up again and start exercising again. I just hate this moment! I hate feeling like somehow I missed what I should have had in life.

Monday, May 10, 2010

A new week a new plan

I feel every week that I "fail" like I need to make a new plan on how not to "fail." I want those two months back where I was eating well and exercising daily and I had extra energy and felt happier. But I lost it and I can't seem to find it again. I am currently reading a book called "703." It is about a woman who at one point got up to 703 lbs and that she has since lost over 500 lbs. I am only a third of the way through the book which started when she was a child. I see how she in her life has gone up and down and it scares me to death that I would ever get to be that high, or really anywhere near it. How does someone go so far? Though I suppose some people would say the same about me and my high of 318 lbs. I have mentioned it before that I have never actually yo-yo'd. I would gain or maintain but not go up and down in size. I fear that this weight loss will be just that, a yo-yo that will go back up. I do not want that. I do not want to be 300 lbs again. In fact I really want to be less than 250 lbs now. I am tired of seeing 260+ lbs on the scale. I am done with it.

So here it is another week and here I am trying to formulate a new plan on how to get past this plateau. For over a month I have had a nagging feeling that maybe I need to go to a gym. I know that it is important to get both cardio and strength training. When I am at home I tend to just do the cardio. I have all of my Biggest Loser video's that would provide the strength training I need but they are just so hard. I am kind of broke right now so I look at the gym options and then decide no. I like 24 hour fitness but it is more expensive than Pure Fitness. But I want to try group classes and the Pure Fitness nearest me doesn't have any classes. And then I started thinking about Curves. Curves is actually more expensive than 24 hour fitness and it requires a membership which big gyms now don't require, plus they have a membership fee which again big gym's don't have or if they do they are a fraction of the price. The Curves has limited hours which means I won't be able to go on Sat or Sun. They also only do this curcuit training which means I would have to do my cardio at home. It is cool because I won't have to change any weights because their strength training is all resistance. But then I am paying more money for less availability and only half of my workout. And yet I am still considering it. I worry that I am thinking it is a quick fix. You know like one of those infomercials, "Buy now and your life will be wonderful!" but what if I get myself into a contract that I can't afford with early cancellation fees. I see 1 free week offers all over the internet so maybe I will go in and try it, see if it is something I will want to go back and do. For now though I think I need to just get my butt off the couch and start doing the exercises that are available to me. In reality I shouldn't need a gym because I have already purchased all that I need to succeed, hence my previous successes.

Food. Last week I didn't go to bountiful basket but this week I did. The first week I had ordered organic and I noticed that you "of course" get a lot more stuff in the non-organic. So this time I tried non-organic. The bounty was plentiful for only $15 it was a great deal. The problem is me. Six ears of corn are great, if I just knew how to cook them and wanted to eat them all week long. I have these mango's that I had to look up online how to even cut and they smell like aloe to me so it is just weird to eat. Oh yeah and cauliflower, I do not eat cauliflower and yet now there is some in my fridge. The apples, banana's, bell peppers (though what do you do with 6 bell peppers,) the fresh spinach it is all great. I am just not a cook and so I think for the majority of people this is great because you can create new exciting recipes every week, and you definitely get a variety of stuff. But for me I just like the same stuff and this venturing into new food is not working. My brother may decide to continue getting it, I have been splitting with him and his wife. But he actually goes to a local farmers market where he can also get fresh local fruits and veg but gets to choose what he wants. Maybe next week I will try that out, it would be a good field trip with my nephews.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

It's been forever since I posted

Ok yes its been forever since I posted. (Thank you to the friend who pointed this out with out actually saying it, I appreciate the support!) Lets see how have I been? Well I haven't really been exercising much. From time to time, like 1 or 2 times a week, I will go for a hike. This weekend I noticed that the new pants I bought a month or two ago started to be tight again. I don't want to go back to any of my old weights. So I think it is time to get back on track again. I know that it will be slow going and that I need to be patient. I am trying to take each meal/snack or time to exercise one at a time.

Today I went for a hike after work. On the way down I was sprinting to help keep my heart rate up. I have done this in the past and as I continue to exercise I am able to sprint a little longer. Well today I felt myself tripping and I really tried to stop myself but I couldn't stay vertical so I tried to just drop to my knees but it more turned into a drop and roll. So I wound up with prickly's all over my pants and I huge bruise just below my left knee. It is like the diameter of a soft ball. I tried to be tough about it. I dusted myself off and kept down the trail, really where else would I go? I knew I needed to sprint at least a little, otherwise in the future I may be too scared. Plus my endorphins had kicked in so my leg wasn't feeling too bad. So I am proud of myself. I try to tell myself its not a big deal, people who exercise and are physically active get hurt sometimes. I just have never actually fit into that classification till recently so it is kind of scary to have such a big bruise. I know I need to rest it some but I don't want it to become and excuse to continue to not exercise. So more of a wait and see, maybe ask friends what they would do. I mean really it is just a bruise and a couple scrapes.

So weight wise I am currently at 264 and my waist is back up to 52" so not so good. But I think if I get myself back on track with my exercise and my weight loss then I will be ok and get back to loosing weight instead of gaining again. I will try to be more dedicated to posting at least once a week because it keeps me accountable. It is just so hard to post bad number after bad number.

Everything else is going goo. Ok, well that's not completely true my uncle died last week. I wasn't very close to him but it is still hard because heart issues and early death seem to run in my mom's family. She died at 47 of a heart attack, now uncle joe at 58 of a heart attack, and then they had another sister die years ago at 58 though she died of MS, and my mom's dad was in his 80's at the time but he died of a heart attack, and then another of my mom's sisters had a triple bi-pass a few years ago. So it is all pretty scary when I stop and list it all out.

Work is great though. Only 4 more weeks of school for the kids and then I am helping with the summer program. I will still have 5 weeks off during the summer but I will still be able to work most of it. I really do love my job so I am glad I don't have to try and find something else for the summer. With five weeks of not working I will be short some money but I think I may try to at least go somewhere for a couple days. Though my car sucks so it won't actually make it anywhere so maybe a staycation in a hotel in scottsdale. We will see.