About Me

Hi, my name is Angela and welcome to my blog. This is a place where I write about my life in an honest and open way.

I am 36 years old, single, and a Christian. God gave me a heart to work with children and so I spend my day teaching kindergarten. It is my fourth year teaching and although it is hard I love it. I currently go to a college for my BA in Elementary Education which keeps me busy. Between work and school there is not much time left but I enjoy serving and helping others, watching netflix, or reading a good book.

Monday, January 30, 2012

Peace be with You

Here I am again nearly midnight and still awake. I keep finding myself doing this. Staying awake. Not really doing anything important just not going to bed. Last night I did babysit late but then still stayed up late after that. I was thinking about it this evening and I realize that it is due to avoidance. Tomorrow I have a couple calls I need to make. Difficult calls.

On Saturday there was a loud knock on the door. I was served papers. I am being sued. I had foreclosed on my house and with that there was an equity loan that I had also stopped paying on. They had threatened to sue me for it just like they threatened to sue for the foreclosure. But I don't have anything, I have nothing to give them. I thought it was all done. I have not heard from the bank since last August. And then there was a knock on the door handing me papers saying that it wasn't over.

There is no next step listed except that I have to appear before the Superior Court within 20 days. Even the Superior Court site is not helpful. So tomorrow I need call and try to figure out what I need to do to "appear" before the twenty days are up.

Just wait it gets better. I had e-mailed my teacher last Tuesday a question about an assignment. She still had not responded in the RioMail so I thought I would check my MCC e-mail account. When I did this I found a notice that there was a change to my financial aid. I went to the MCC site to see what was going on. I had figured they had simply finally made the payment to pay the classes. But when I looked they still showed due. The site is not clear when changes are made you just have to poke around and try to figure out what was different from the last time you were on. Finally I figured it out, they lowered my grant amount from $2400 to $1400. It now barely covers the tuition and books for the three classes I am taking this semester. I was planning on saving the extra $1000 so I could attend summer school as well. What's most frustrating is it doesn't say why it was lowered. I am hoping that it was a mistake. I am currently only in one class as I staggered the three classes. So I am hoping they were just looking to fast and thought I was only taking three credits instead of nine and can bump it back up again. Part of me thinks maybe it was so that I won't have a $1000 in savings when I deal with the lawsuit. I don't know.

I had seen the change in financial aid right before I was leaving the house to go babysit last night. I was driving and just talking out loud to God. I was frustrated and telling God how I just didn't understand but it did not take long for me to stop and just say "I trust you. I don't understand. And both of these things totally suck! But I trust you and know that your plan is better than my plan." And that was enough. I placed both in God's hands. This is not to say I did not worry about them or think about them. Last night I was trying to sleep and running through my head what kind of paper work I will need to take to court showing the bills that I have and evidence of how much I make.

At church today I sat listening to the Pastor. Half distracted but trying to concentrate. He was talking about being stuck in the mud. That there are different reasons why we get stuck in the mud but we all do from time to time. He also talked about peace. How when we are stuck in the mud we just want to press on the gas and try to get unstuck but we need to have peace. When Jesus returned he said "Peace be with you." This was the same verse that stuck in my head from Wednesday. Again God was telling me to just be at peace.

As the sermon came to a close and we were doing communion I bowed my head and listened to the pastor's words and tears just filled my eyes. On Saturday I recieved two hard blows and I had given them to God but they are still painful. They hurt. ...It sucks that I lost my house. It sucks that I can't just pay them back. I didn't mean to take their money and not pay them back. ...It sucks that I may not be able to go to school over the summer. And sucks that I was hoping to use some of that money to fly out to see my sister and I may not have it now. It hurts. But God's timing is not my timing. And I have learned over and over again that His timing is amazing and it is perfect if I just listen and follow. Right now He says to just be at peace and so I will listen. I will try my best because that is all I can give.

Thursday, January 26, 2012


Today I ate meat. My church, a few times a year, have neighborhood dinners. I signed up to go to one a few weeks ago. Over the last two weeks I kept contemplating calling and saying that I was vegan now what were they serving, could it be modified or can I bring my own. But I didn't. Instead I told myself that one meal was ok. I am doing it to be healthy and so a little bit of meat or cheese would not harm me. That of course is true but it was a little weird.

In my head I had thought, no big deal, I would eat whatever they gave me. I would just decline adding any extra meat or animal secretions to my meal. But sitting at the table was a little different. They did a pasta dish but it wasn't covered in a heavy sauce but more like an oil. I should have asked. They did mix in pieces of chicken and cover with cheese. They also had additional cheese in a bowl you could add on your own. I was the first to serve myself and I tried to avoid big spoonfuls of pasta with the cheese. The chicken was mixed in well but as I ate the noodles I found myself being careful not to eat any of the meat. At the end I ended up with a little pile chicken pieces on my plate. So I am sure that I ate some cheese and some pieces of meat that I may have missed but not much. I did put a little butter on my bread and because I was in a hurry I stopped at Fry's to get the french bread, they always have it in the front, instead of at the Whole Foods across the street. So the bread had gluten in it. Although I was given the rest of the uneaten bread to bring home I gave it to my brother and his wife. For the salad they had a vinaigrette, I of course did not check the label at the dinner table, but only used a little either way. They had cute little mini bunt cakes in like five flavors. I did skip that even though they kept offering.

After the experience I think the only regret I have was not calling right away to explain my dietary restrictions. I don't think it would have really been a problem. The problem was on my side worrying about giving her more work or making dinner more difficult when she was already being nice by hosting in the first place.

Tomorrow night I have a Bunco BBQ at my church. We are switching the childrens ministry pastor so this is a way to say goodbye to Nissa and hello to Joel. My first reaction when I saw the invite was, it's a bbq what are you going to eat? So I am going to go prepared. I think I will stash some mixed nuts in my purse. The calories on those add up quick. Then always has a salad and usually fruit so I should be good. The important part is planning ahead and not being afraid to eat different.

Oh and I do want to mention after yesterday's, eat whatever I want day, I did go back to normal. I was kind of hungry a little bit through out the day but I knew that would happen. It wanted the number of calories from the day before. I told my body no and went on with my day eating like normal. I am not sure exactly how many calories my dinner was but I did not stuff myself by any means so I think I should end my day in range.

Tomorrow is going to be a long day so i will start my day with french toast. Then I should have a couple of hours to finish typing the other half of my essay before heading to work. Today I did not work on it as much as I should have. I had a couple errands between eight and nine and then kind of dragged my feet till ten. So I only did about forty-five minutes on the essay before work and then I did use about an hour to an hour and a half during my break at work to do a bit more. I am about halfway done. I am still not sure it is exactly what the teacher wants but all I can do is my best.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

A Day Off

Today was my day off. I did no homework today. I have also been eating all day today. Though every meal was vegan, well mostly. I knew my day was going to be busy after my frustrating last night I just needed some time. I nearly didn't make it out of bed but somehow convinced myself. I got dressed and made it out the door to go to my woman's bible study. On the way I stopped at QT and got three donuts. Yes you heard me three. No caffeine though, I had filled my cup with pink lemonade before I left the house. This was my one meal that was not completely vegan. I am sure there is milk and possibly eggs in the donuts. They actually gave me a sugar high that was not enjoyable. I did not feel well and when I was sitting in church praying with my head down I started getting dizzy. It was a reminder of why I didn't need that much sugar.

Once a month during my group we spend time focusing on a series of verses and then just sit there in silence listening to the Holy Spirit. It is pretty cool and if you have never just sat in silence listening for the Holy Spirit I recommend you try it. Find a passage, read it a couple times and then open yourself up to God. Today we read John 20:19-29 and the word God just stuck out to me was "Peace." Jesus repeats "Peace be with you" three times during this set of verses. And I thought that is exactly what I need. For the last 25 days I have been in a peace with God. There have been struggles along the way, no doubt, but have been leaning on God and had peace with that. Until I saw a grade I did not like and I threw it all out the window. I became frustrated and angry when I should have instead fallen to my knees and prayed for peace with my teacher. I know that going forward as I plug my tv back in I need to remember that God is my peace. That I don't have peace from binge eating or from zoning out watching some fake life on the screen.

So bible study was great. Then we met in our small groups which I just love mine. All the girls in it are so nice and lovely. It is wonderful. I went to work a little to giddy. Everyone kept wanting to know what was up with me. "Just happy." I would reply. On my break at work I decided to head out. I was still craving a burger and fries, as I have been for days now. So I thought lets fix this. I remembered that Islands has a veggie burger as well as fries cooked in vegetable oil; the perfect fit. So I went. I ordered a standard Maui burger but had a veggie patty substituted and of course no cheese. Of the many meals I have tried this month I was not very scared to try this one. For my first veggie burger it was great! It really satisfied my need for a burger and the fries of course were wonderful. I have no idea how many calories were in it but I didn't really care today. After lunch I headed back to work to finish up the day.

Today is the 25th and if you remember I had given up tv for 25 days. The fast, pray, worship Living Streams has been doing was coming to an end so they had a concert. Let me tell you it was definitely a concert of praise and worship to the Lord. I could not believe how many people showed up, the place was packed. I think even all the pastor's were surprised by the number of people. And for an hour we just sang to the Lord. It was amazing young and old and everyone in between just praising God. You could definitely feel the Holy Spirit in the church. At the end, just like a concert, we did not want it to end. The music pastor, exhausted from an hour of singing, pulled out a little more strength and lead us in one last song. Afterwards you couldn't help but feel closer to everyone in the room.

Before the concert I wanted to grab something to eat. I had seen a little market at 16th st and Bethany Home Rd so headed there to see what I could find. I grabbed a bag of tortilla chips made only from beans, they had no corn in them. They were very good, though a little peppery. I ended up eating about half the bag on the way to church. Then when I got home I pulled out my hummus from the fridge and finished off the rest of the bag.

I did make one stop on the way home that...I may regret later. I wanted some ice cream, soy of course. The fresh and easy on the corner of Greenway and 32nd st, my closest one, is closing. I had stopped there the other day and everything was 25% off. I thought great I will go get some ice cream for 25% off that is a good deal. When I arrived the sale was now 50% off. I have now seen exactly what stores will look like after the apocalypse. Most of the store was empty there were shelves that just had empty boxes lying there. Some shelves had just one or two things and nothing seemed to be in any order. Things had been picked up here and dropped there. I think it was a combination of my good mood from just praising God and then seeing others with carts full of food. I tried to just get my ice cream but I just kept thinking, I could save money! And so I succumbed to the sale.

There is a container company called Sistema. They are actually based in New Zealand but their product is so great it is all over the world. It is pretty expensive per piece. Well Fresh and Easy, being a company from England started selling them. Every time I walk past them I want them but they are pricey. But now they were half off! Plus I already had $20 ear marked for storage containers because I am using a lot more now that I am cooking more and eating more fruits and vegetables. I just couldn't walk past so I bought a whole bunch of them. Even at half off more that $20 worth probably closer to $50 worth. But I remind myself that they will last much longer then some of the zip lock brand containers I have bought in the past. It is an investment, right? I did stock up on some fancy Japanese noodles that I wanted but thought too expensive at full price. Plus some rice, maple syrup, and ghiradelli semi-sweet chips that are vegan. The busiest aisle was the one with the wine but I don't drink so I didn't even go down it. The scary part is that they don't take the half off until after you hit check-out so the total just keeps getting higher and higher. The woman checking out next to me was over $350 when I last glanced at it. Oh and I did get the last half pint tub of soy ice cream they had.

So that was my day. I don't where to start with my calories and I need to remove stickers from and wash all of the Sistema I just bought. But first I think I will take a shower and head to bed. I will worry about that tomorrow. :)

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

I Want to Quit!

It has been a long week and it is only tuesday! I keep wanting a burger or fries or ice cream. Things I should eat. I got home today and had decided to eat something simple; I mix refried beans with chili, heat it a bit and then grab some tortilla's to dip. But even that seemed like so much work. I am constantly cooking and making every single which I know as I write it sounds stupid but...I am used to simple. Pop it in the microwave. Stop by the drive through. But everything has to be measured. And I am constantly cutting up fruit and vegetables. And there is so much to clean. I feel like I am constantly doing dishes. I remind myself that last week these things were not a big deal. Next week they probably won't be as long as I keep going. I feel healthier, I am loosing weight, I am sleeping better. Change takes time and right now I need some patients.

Tonight was the the Presidential Speech. I really wanted to watch it. I have been watching it for years now. Listening to first Bush and Obama as they talk about last year and the year to come. I listen to the responses from each party to see what they are saying. I support Obama and this year hearing his words are important. People will be using what he said for or against him in the election. But I am fasting from tv. I have not watched tv for twenty-four days. I can not break my fast now. I know that on Thursday or this weekend I will be able to watch it online. It was the first time I considered actually plugging my tv back in so that I could watch it. But I did not. Instead I got my CNN updates on my phone and caught a few blurbs online, no video's though. Those would have to wait.

School. Tonight I became so furious and frustrated by my teacher. As I mentioned I am ahead on my assignments. I have turned in three assignments so far. The first I got fifty out of fifty with no comments. That was posted last week. Today I logged online to see my other two assignments were graded. The first I got 45 out of 50 because I had two fragmented sentences. Then the second assignment I got 32 out of 50! That is a D! The reason she gave was she did not like the reason I said the ad was inductive and because I misspelled four words. Which only happened because we had to do the assignment on a weird web site that did not spell check and was difficult to use. The info I typed in went by so fast I could barely read it to make sure it made sense let alone double check my spelling. But still a D for this?! This is why I have dropped out of college four times before. Stupid teachers that feel like God when they are grading things. I mean what is the point of spending my time working hard when you are just going to give me a ridiculous grade anyways? I barely even understand the next assignment, the essay I am working on. So how am I going to pass it? What is the point of taking hours and hours to write something that she could say sucks and fail me for? I HATE school!!! This is why I don't go back. Because failing a class for the third time just sucks!

So after I saw my grade I totally overate. It was all vegan but still over my calories for the day. Now I am going to try and figure out the outline for my essay and try to sleep a little before tomorrow.

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Odd Jobs

On the side of my house we have this little fence. It is six tall and maybe six feet wide. The wooden fence has been there a long time and is falling down. A few months ago, on my dad's recommendation, I went and got some rope to tie it to the posts so it will stay up. This worked for maybe a month and then proceeded to fall over again. Not as far this time but still falling over. Everyday I would drive home and see this mess of a fence and want to fix it. Shouldn't it be an easy fix? Well easy is relative. The actual problem was the 4X4 post was not secured in the ground. No one really asked me but I think termites ate the post causing the post to fall down. I know this as part of the post is still cemented into the ground. So I went to home depot and bought a 4x4x8 foot post. Got the post hole digger out of the storage shed and started making a hole.

For an eight foot post you need a two foot hole. You take the post hole digger in both hands, it is several pounds, and then thrust it toward the ground being careful to let go before impact. You then separate the two handles which pushes the two half circle parts together to grab the dirt to take out. You continue to do this over and over again until all of the whole is deep enough. I added a step in attempt to make it a little easier which involved hammering a steel stake into the ground, removing (the hard part), and then adding water to soak into the dirt. Hence why my whole is so wet. Once the hole was dug it was pretty easy, stick the post in, pack the dirt in around it, and then hammer the fence into both of the posts.

It took me about three hours but it wasn't so bad since it was overcast today here in Phoenix. The rest of the wood is pretty old and will have to be replaced too. But for now hopefully it will stay standing and looking like a normal fence. Sorry for no before picture but just picture the fence leaning forward on the top about a foot with white rope tied in, out, and around each of the slates and the posts. Not very pretty.


Besides fixing the fence I did plenty of stuff this weekend. I did go to bed early Friday like I had planned. Then Saturday I woke up early and completed another assignment for school. I had a babysitting job for 4 hours. I went shopping on the way home and then had to run out again to go to another babysitting job. The Lord sure is blessing me with these last minute babysitting jobs. He really does provide for all our needs!

My next assignment for school is a rhetorical analytical essay. Which means I have to analyze some type of article. It was causing me great frustration this evening. Not only do I have to analyze an article but the I have to find an article that was already analyzed by someone else so that I can use it as evidence in my article. I was hoping to have it on the topic of early education, as I hope to write my research paper on this, however I could not find any articles that were already analyzed. So after much frustration I finally found a couple papers about charter schools. So I am still in the education field but not as narrow as I wanted. I printed the articles out and the parameters I need to work with. That way I don't have to be in front of the computer to do the first part of the essay. The analyzing and outlining and figuring out what I will want to quote or cite in my paper. This is to be a four to five page paper so I think it will take me a little while. Though if I was on track I would only have one week to do it so it shouldn't be too hard.

Between church, the fence and the essay that is all I have done today. I did weigh in this morning and lost another 2 lbs! That takes me down to 266. Though today I ate too much. I think. I haven't logged everything. Maybe with the outdoor exercise I will at least be close. But for now I am headed to bed. I need some sleep before a new week starts.

Friday, January 20, 2012

Lazy Friday

This week was really busy, good busy, but very busy.

Tuesday: Although I was registered for my eng 102 class I could not get online. I called and they said it was due to the long weekend and I had to wait. At work I had to train someone new to take over at the middle school. This is good but I always worry I will forget something when i train them. Since after I train them they are on their own it is kind of important I get it right. After work I was able to log online and I looked through some of the course work and made a plan for the week of when I would have time to study. Then it was time for bed.

Wednesday: I woke up at 7:30, exercised and then went to my wed morning woman's church group. We are now reading this book called Bittersweet together. It is really good. I was a little late but made it so I was happy about that. Then I left a little early from it, as I always do, so I could get to work. Work was good. I did read some of my text book for eng during my break but also helped my boss get a project done so I did not read as much as I would have liked. It was nice being back at the lower school campus, I had really missed being there. Though I am more strict then the other teachers so I don't know how much the kids like me being back because I make them actually follow the rules. I got back to the lower school just in time because my new co-worker Sara got sick. We sent her home early on Wed and then she wasn't there yesterday and won't be here today. After work I went straight to my writing group. It is a bunch of girls from Nano and now we get together and help each other edit our books. I didn't get home until 10:30 and went right to bed.

Thursday: I was determined to get some school work done. I woke up at seven, got dressed and ate and was doing homework by eight. I kept doing work for three hours till it was time to go to work. Work was good again. Lots of kids are sick and there was a case of lice reported, yuck! I did write most of a two paragraph paper I needed to do. The teacher is using it to judge where we are at at the beginning of the semester so i wanted to make it good. Plus I was a little distracted because we were finishing the last of the project at work. That morning I had gotten a call for a babysitting job that night. I actually left work early and went to babysit a kid. She is great and I love watching here. She was in bed by 7:30 and parents did not get home till eleven so that gave me three and a half more hours of doing school work. When her parents arrived I had about ten more minutes of work to complete an assignment so when I got home I finished that up. I am now finished with both week one and week two's assignments. Week three has an actual essay to write, where as the others were mostly reading, so I assume it will take longer. I am going to just keep plugging away at the work till the class is done.

After Wednesday and Thursday being so busy I decided to give myself a break. This morning I slept in a little, caught up on my blogs, and did some research on how to do some stuff around the house that I want to do. Specifically I need to use a post hole digger and caulk a window. Both seem easy and self explanatory but I thought check the internet in case they have any tips.

Saturday I have a four hour babysitting job in the middle of the day and church at night but I plan on doing homework around those times. Tomorrow is my brother's birthday and so my dad is coming in to town. He is also bringing down a shed to put up in the back yard so my plans may change a little depending on when he needs help. I am planning on doing my home repair projects on Sunday after church. I figure that is a good time to get outside and work. But now I am running late for work so till next time. Ta Ta For Now!

Sunday, January 15, 2012

A Better Me?

Yesterday I was outside raking up leaves and I realized all of sudden how when I am vegan and not addicted to caffeine I seem to get more done. Back in September when I had challenged myself to 25 days vegan I had found myself cleaning things and keeping things better maintained then i had in the past. I thought it was odd enough that I made a mental note of it. Then again, here I am 16 days into caffeine free and vegan and I find myself doing something that is out of character for me. I know that is a little sad to say. But seriously I have known these leaves needed raking for months and yet all of sudden I feel ready to go out and do it. As this lifestyle continues past twenty-five days this time I will have to continue to see if this behavior continues. And of course this great. To be able to do things and be self motivated. It is like a miracle. It is one of the things that drew me back to being vegan.

I have been much better at my calories. In fact today I went over by 61 calories. So I had to jump on my brothers wii fit and burn some calories so I wouldn't be over anymore. It a little sad because the games I used to do so well on I totally stink on now. But I remember I didn't start out good I had to work up to good and then up to great. So I may start spending more time on the wii.

Speaking of calories this morning I weighed myself and I was down two pounds. So that takes me down to 269. I was happy to see a two pound loss because that is what it should be. Not huge drops. So I will keep doing what I am doing and seeing the pounds drop off. I have already received a compliment about how much weight I have lost and I now fit back in my skinny jeans. So I am very happy.

This weekend I was responsible and made a shopping list. I knew exactly how much I could afford to spend on food and I did not go over. That is with shopping at three different stores. I have lots of food and should be able to make it through the end of the month with what I have. My fruits and veg will be gone by then but that is ok as long as I don't let any that I bought go to waste. I am also doing so much better at eating fruits and vegetables. I had one or the other for every meal including one snack of cherries. I am very proud of myself. Especially lunch today. I had this lentil vegetable soup. I was worried. I don't like mixing foods and this was like a stew full of veggies. But it was good. I would totally buy it again! So yea to trying new foods.

I told you that I was going to have to wait till March to go to school because I am waiting on financial aid. I had kind of put it out of my mind but yesterday I felt I should really go check it. I went to the site and my FA is approved. I am getting a pell grant to cover my classes for this semester and then there will be enough left over so I can take a few classes over the summer too. I try to call FA to confirm that what I saw was right, that everything was approved. But I was stuck on hold forever. I was trying to wait to sign up for classes till I talked to them. Especially because I need to know about book credits and such. Well then today again just out of the blue I just felt like I should really just sign up for classes. And so I did. Right now I am just doing Eng 102. The book is online so I don't have for anything right now. Then for my second 8 week session I am going to take two classes about early education. One is actually 10 weeks so I was hoping to take that now but they both require books and I don't have the cash to cover it so they will both start in March. So I will have a little over lap with eng 102 and those two classes but hopefully that works out ok. I really believe it will work out because I believe this is part of the path God wants me on right now. So now I am college student, for the fifth time in my life.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Quick Update

It is already late and I should have been sleeping hours ago but I want to update you since my last post. The last couple days I have been feeling like normal. No weakness. No feeling of fatigue. Yesterday I ate all of my calories and today I came pretty close, I think I am 200 short. It has been kind of a weird day so I am glad I got that many calories in. I did not exercise today but will tomorrow, I know that it is very important part of getting healthy.

Besides that nothing new to report. I did get handed some caffeine today and said no to it without any problem which is great. I also went to a coffee shop this evening and was very careful about what I ordered to make sure it was vegan. I have not been going out to eat so I count this as a victory.

Hopefully I have more to say next time. But for now I say no news is good news.

Monday, January 9, 2012

Feeling Bleh

Today I am feeling bleh! Earlier I was feeling a little light headed and a little ditzy. It was weird and not normal. Before you go blaming my diet I stopped to look at that too. When I tell myself the truth I have not been eating my fruits and veggies. In fact, I looked over my food log and some days I have gone all day with none! That does not work. I also remembered that I forgot to take my B-12 supplements the last two days. I take a handful of pills right before bed but the b-12 is supposed to be taken with food so I try to take it in the morning with breakfast but sometimes I forget. It helps with Iron in my body and because of a lack of nutrients in the soil I can't get it without eating meat. So I have to take a supplement or risk getting anemic. I do have to say that back, like in the 60's our veggies did have B-12, it is the soil we use now that has changed it.

This evening I exercised doing the push-up, sit-up, squat thing. It went well but now I am feeling even more light headed. For dinner I had lots of veg so hopefully that will help. Tomorrow I am going to be much more conscious of getting fruit and veg in every meal.

The other thing is my calories. For someone who is 276 lbs at 5' 9" to maintain my weight I would eat 2900 calories a day. I know a lot. The iphone app I use "Lose It" gives me the option to put in how many pounds to loose per week up to 2 lb weight loss. So I chose the 2 lb weight loss which means every day I should be eating 1900 calories. Ok let's be specific, I should be eating 1,961 calories everyday. But I haven't been. Every day last week I had at least 300 calories left over. In fact on Saturday I only ate 1200 calories. I am eating until I am full, until I am satisfied. Whole foods are just so filling that it is hard to reach my calories.

This evening, knowing I am not feeling well, I decided to weigh in. The goal was to loose 2 lbs but I knew it would be more with the extra calories I missed. I was also keeping in mind that last week I weighed in in the morning, after breakfast. I was now weighing in at the end of my day. So I should be heavier then if I weighed in in the morning. The wii fit says I weigh 271 which was a 5 lb weight loss. Plus the fact I weighed at night it is probably six to seven pounds. That is a lot of weight to loose in a week. That is Biggest Loser weight loss where they eat nothing and exercise 7 hrs a day. No wonder I am feeling bad. So it wasn't even exciting to see knowing that I may be hurting my body. Yes I want to loose weight but I don't want to get sick as well.

So tomorrow I am going to watch my calories better. Maybe have more snacks during the day. Putting in my new weight into my app drops my calories down to 1,929 so a little less. But more fruits and more vegetables! :)

On a different note I was anxious to start school hoping I could start right away. But I have decided until the financial aid is completely finalized. I can take a class now but the aid falls through then I will have to pay close to $300 which is the amount  I am trying to save to fly out to see my sister. So I choose sister over a college class any day of the week. They say it takes four weeks but then they also say I can't start classes till the first week of March. So I don't know. I will check the site every week and see if there are any updates.

Oh, no! I totally forgot with feeling sick, dinner, and exercising. I have an opportunity to teach a camp at my elementary school over the summer. So I was thinking of doing a photography class and a scrapbooking class. I could totally make some good extra money doing this. I need remember to do some research on that tomorrow morning so I can tell my boss if I can do it or not. But hey if you want to teach a class to K-4th grade kids for one week, or more, during the summer. You select the topic and it can be full day or half day class and make some extra money then let me know. We still need plenty of teachers for both July and August.

Well if I have to wake up in the morning it is definitely bed time. Write again soon.

Friday, January 6, 2012


After my last post I struggled greatly. I stopped to question if I should share this with you. I know I share a lot of personal things but this is a different kind of personal. But I that I should.

As you know I am doing lost of praying. Over the last six days with out tv I have had lots and lots prayer time. I have prayed for others but I have also prayed for me. The last time I posted was Wednesday evening. I had told you how on Tuesday night I worked myself up into a tizzy. I wanted to travel the world, move to Iowa, go live on a cruise ship, or even go live in Washington state. I just wanted to go and do and change. Then on Wednesday night as I was blogging I realized my real reason behind my frantic need to go. It was because I am feeling out of place. I look at others lives and wish they were my own. On my paper, in black and white, my life sucks. I live in my dad's house working a part time job that a 16 year old can do. I have one friend I see maybe once a month and my close nit family seems to be not so close anymore due to distance.

After I posted I tried to sleep but sleep did not come. I felt tired and yet my brain was wide awake. I had skipped my melatonin pill, thinking that was why I was sleeping so many hours. But after an hour in bed with no luck sleeping I went out and took my melatonin pill. I had 9:30 and around 11pm I finally took my pill. I did not fall asleep until after 2 am. It was hard night. What I had just posted about feeling alone and like looser kept resonating in my head. I didn't understand why God would do this to me. I felt frustrated. I shed many tears and found myself very suicidal at different points of the evening. At one point I even got up and went and took a shower hoping it would calm me down and help me sleep. I have had nights like this before. The thing that really bugged me this night was I am in the middle of a fast for God. I am spending more time with God and yet the further into this I go the more frustrated and sad I get.  It didn't make any sense. I cleaning out my body, spending time with God and in return I am up all night suffering.

Thursday morning I slept in. I woke up at 10:30, had some breakfast and went to work. There was no way I was going to wake up early to go down to Rio Salado to try to apply. I was too exhausted and worn out from the emotional night.

I did not let this stop me. I continued in the manner I had the day before. Prayer, vegan, no caffeine, no tv. I made a commitment and I would stick with it. Thursday night the church was having a special prayer meeting since we are doing the fast. I was a little worried it would be all men, that I would feel out of place. I wondered if I should go. But then my roommates were watching a movie I totally want to watch. It was perfect timing because not wanting to hear it I either needed to go to my bedroom or leave. So I got ready and left. I got to the church and the parking lot was mostly empty. I walked up to the where the meeting was being held but it didn't look like anyone was inside. It turned out that it was Pastor Kurt and three women, including me.

If you haven't gone to a prayer meeting normally, at least the ones i have gone to. You start with a couple praise songs and then everyone prays out loud for the next hour or so. You do not have to pray out loud it is of course optional. As Kurt started to pray as well as others I started to listen, really listen. Never, not once did they pray for themselves. There were prayers for the church, for the ministries, prayer for neighbors and witnessing opportunities. There were prayers for our government and country. But none of the three people I was in the room with prayed for themselves. And it was God saying, "Do you see?! Do you understand now?!" My prayers had been selfish. They were "I want, I want, I want." Other times "I need" and "why not" and "It's not fair." But never, not really meaning it at least, asked God what He wanted my next step to be. I even remembered earlier in the day when I thought I could work on a cruise line for awhile to save up some money. The thought crossed my mind, "Where is God in that plan?" But then I brushed it off, God will figure it out. Like as if He needs to just figure out how his plan work around my plan. As if! And I did pray for others some but not as much as I should be. And don't get me wrong you can pray for yourself, of course. But not like whiny child trying to get their way. Instead I need to humble myself and ask God how I can serve Him. How I can be a good shepherd to His sheep.

During the prayer meeting I was silent as all of this dawned on me. I have tried to think about it. What exactly got me to this point of selfishness and I can't figure it out. It may just be the sins of the flesh. I am just so thankful that God found a way to tell me how I was acting.

So tomorrow morning I do plan to go down to Rio Salado to see about just getting admitted and having the financial aid finalized. I still need to do a lot more prayer asking God if this is the step He wants me to take next. That although I am not sure what I will do with AAS degree make sure he does have a plan for it. And although I forgot it for awhile, I do know that I have followed God to where I am now out of the pit I had created myself. And if I want to get further out then I need to keep following God's steps because my steps can't lead me out.

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Fly, Fly Away

Last night, I don't know why but I had worked myself into a tizzy. I had decided that I wanted to travel the world and I would change jobs so I could pay off my debt faster while trying to get a job at an airline so I could fly for free. Then I would just travel. Everywhere! ...but then reality hit. It's not like I couldn't do that or that I have even completely decided against it. I think it was my plan to just get away. Just do something completely different then what I am currently doing. I have seen plenty of movies and shows where people just hope on a plane and go somewhere. Because of course in the movies you aren't thinking about how expensive a taxi ride is or how you are going to pay for the hotel room that night. You just go. I think now that my fear of flying, that wouldn't fit in a seat, is over my desire to travel has grown.

So besides going crazy everything has been going ok. Not having tv drives me a little crazy, I don't know what to do sometimes. Last night I got frustrated while I was preparing dinner. I had always known I dealt with stress with food but I didn't realize I also used the tv. So last night I was frustrated, sat down with a meal I wasn't satisfied with and couldn't even watch tv. But that is good. I am learning to actually deal with my emotions instead of ignoring them. My brother is getting a couple of movies from Netflix I really want to watch. For a second I really wanted to just watch them anyways but the moment passed and remembered the reason why I am fasting from tv. To spend more time with God. 

With everything else going on I have barely noticed I have gone caffeine free. I had forgotten that I had mentioned it to a teacher before the break so she asked me about it. It actually took me a second because I totally forgot I gave up caffeine. Not that I have been drinking, I just have so many other things I am thinking about. 

Today I was supposed to exercise again. I decided to skip today because my thighs are still in so much pain. It hurts just walk around and then you add sitting and walking up and down the couple steps in my house and I am in lots of pain. I wanted to give them another day or two to rest and I will be better about stretching first and not doing so much so fast. I understand the point of the exhaustion test to see where you are at so you know where to start on their list. But to go from no exercise to a sudden 85 squats did not make my body happy. 

Tomorrow morning I am going to go down to Rio Salado. The financial aid was already approved by the government but I guess the school needs to verify my tax information. Plus I can't register online, which is weird in my opinion. So I will go down and fill out the registration stuff, go see financial aid, and then stop by admissions. I am having my transcripts sent over to them from the other Maricopa Community Colleges I attended. I did that a couple days ago so hopefully that has been done and then admissions can help me figure out what classes I still need. 

In my random thinking yesterday, which was all about changing what I am doing now. I also thought that maybe I could get my AAS degree and then if I moved out to Davenport it would be easier to get a job as a paraeducator at a school there. I guess they have lots of para educators. Most of them are aids for class rooms from what I can tell. And if I was making a reasonable amount of money then I could afford to live out there. There apartments cost just as much as they do out here and right now I could not afford to live in an apartment so I have to remember that anytime I think of moving out there. But I am not sure how long it will take to get the degree. Or if the AA will actually help me get a job at all. Though I guess that is why I want to talk to an advisor tomorrow to try to figure it out.

Without tv and music filling my head my brain seems to ramble around a lot. I am spending lots of time in prayer and have been doing my devotional book every day. I know that I can not keep just doing this, working part time and living in my dad's house, much longer. I need a change. Because there is nothing here anymore. My sister is 1500 miles away, my older brother and his wife are hoping and praying for an opportunity to go to Japan for a couple years, I barely talk to my younger brother since the house drama, my dad lives a hundred miles away, and the only friend I have I only see maybe once a month if we can manage to get our schedules right. I am 29 years old, living in my dad's house, with a part time job that 16 year old can do. This is not what I was made for. God had/has so much more for me. I can feel it. If I would just listen to His voice. Block out everything else and hear my Shepherds voice. Which is exactly why I need these twenty-five days of silence.

Monday, January 2, 2012

Vacation is Over

Tomorrow I go back to work. After two weeks away it is a little weird to go back. I do miss the routine but having my own schedule has been nice too. I have to say the worst part of going back is that I have to return this iPad I borrowed. I am totally hooked now. Though I had kind of figured I would be. There are a few things that frustrate me, like scrolling down and e-mail that is a link it always wants to send you there instead of just scrolling. Greer. But no worries I am returning this so I won't have that problem anymore. ;) Tomorrow we have a new girl starting with me so she needs to be kind of trained. Then we also had a guy who works at our middle school campus quit over the break so he has to be replaced now too. So this week should be fun.

The last couple of days have been intersecting. I have been eating vegan and tracking my calories. The worst part is I am not hitting the calorie goal that th program thinks I should hit. I already have it set so that the calorie goal would have me loose two lbs a week but with the other five hundred calories I am not eating I may end up loosing three pounds this week. I just want to make sure I am getting all of the nutrients that I need. Making sure that I am not eating the same thing everyday. I was hoping I wouldn't have to shop again till next week but I seem to have a small list of things I need to get. My budget is a little tight every month before the 15th but as long as I stick to my list I should be ok. In January I never get any babysitting jobs. I think after a month of going out and spending way to much money parents just want to stay in, which makes sense. But that also means no extra cash for me this month.

The hardest thing right now is the no tv. Even this evening I was frustrated and just wanted to go watch tv till I forgot what was bugging me. It has been interesting learning when tv has become such a habit to go to. Today, without any work or anywhere to go, it started to get hard. I am reading a book on fasting and a couple books on being vegan. So they are all informative not really story telling. So I kind of read one and then hope to another and then pray a little bit, read another, listen to some music, do my devotion, read some more. I did start my push up, crunch, squat today. I am not so bad at the square and crunch's but push ups I need lots of help. I knew on the ground, even on my knew would be too hard. Doing them against the wall is too easy but I couldn't find a good angle to do them at, nothing sturdy enough to lean against with the whole weight of my body. So I ended up doing them against the wall for now. Today I did exhaustion tests and for the push-up's I did forty against the wall. It feels a little like cheating starting so far ahead with such an easy push up but after I hit the hundred I will have to find a new way to do them. Maybe by then I might be strong enough to do them on the ground or the lower angles available to me. I do have to say that my legs are still fatigued from the equate I did. So I guess that is good. My abs and arms aren't so I wonder if I pushed myself hard enough on those. I will start my first rotation on Wednesday. So we will see how that goes.

Otherwise all is well and I hope the same goes for you too.

Sunday, January 1, 2012

Movies and Books

I watch lots of tv and read lots of books. However I seem to have missed many of the classics along the way. Now I could just ignore this, as the generation behind me has also not read these books. But rather giving in to ignorance I prefer to make this into an interesting challenge. So for the next twelve months I have selected 12 movies and 24 books. If I miss one because I am busy. No big deal I will just move to the next months books. There is the little problem of November being busy for me so if possible I may try to read those books early. However, as you will see in a minute. My book selections are all very challenging so fitting a third in to a month may be hard. But we will see.

A couple years ago I saw a blog about people trying to read books that Rory Gilmore read on Gilmore Girls. I don't know about you but I loved that show! I looked over the list and there were many books I saw on the list that were classics that people make reference to but I had not read. So for two years I have wanted to read some of those books. I think I may have even blogged about my intentions last year to read some of the books. Either way it didn't get done but it is where I got many of the books from the list. A few, toward the bottom, are not on her list but I still wanted to read them so they are staying.

I pasted my lists below.

  Movie Book 1 Book 2
January Gone with the Wind Gone with the Wind Wizard of Oz
February Sound of Music Emma Adventures of Huckleberry Finn
March Joe vs Volcano, When Harry Met Sally, Sleepless in Seattle Uncle Tom's CabinMoveable Feast
April Hitch Hikers guide to the galaxy Catch-22 One Hundred Years of Solitude
May Shawshank Redemption Grimm Brothers David Cooperfield
June Godfather I, II, III The Shining Great Expectations
July A clockwork Orange Moby Dick Joy Luck Club
August Grease & Saturday Night Fever A Tale of Two Cities Oliver Twist
September Pulp Fiction 1984 Little Women
October Grapes of Wrath Fahrenheit 451 The Secret life of Bees
November The Silence of the Lambs Devil in the White City Wicked
December The Good, the Bad and the Ugly Night A Christmas Carol

For a few months a have more than one movie listed. They went together so I just stuck them together. For March I have the whole Meg Ryan movie thing going on so I even moved Moveable Feast to that month, her character in City of Angels read it.

What do you think of my list? Do you agree? Should I add something? Remove something?