After my last post I struggled greatly. I stopped to question if I should share this with you. I know I share a lot of personal things but this is a different kind of personal. But I that I should.
As you know I am doing lost of praying. Over the last six days with out tv I have had lots and lots prayer time. I have prayed for others but I have also prayed for me. The last time I posted was Wednesday evening. I had told you how on Tuesday night I worked myself up into a tizzy. I wanted to travel the world, move to Iowa, go live on a cruise ship, or even go live in Washington state. I just wanted to go and do and change. Then on Wednesday night as I was blogging I realized my real reason behind my frantic need to go. It was because I am feeling out of place. I look at others lives and wish they were my own. On my paper, in black and white, my life sucks. I live in my dad's house working a part time job that a 16 year old can do. I have one friend I see maybe once a month and my close nit family seems to be not so close anymore due to distance.
After I posted I tried to sleep but sleep did not come. I felt tired and yet my brain was wide awake. I had skipped my melatonin pill, thinking that was why I was sleeping so many hours. But after an hour in bed with no luck sleeping I went out and took my melatonin pill. I had 9:30 and around 11pm I finally took my pill. I did not fall asleep until after 2 am. It was hard night. What I had just posted about feeling alone and like looser kept resonating in my head. I didn't understand why God would do this to me. I felt frustrated. I shed many tears and found myself very suicidal at different points of the evening. At one point I even got up and went and took a shower hoping it would calm me down and help me sleep. I have had nights like this before. The thing that really bugged me this night was I am in the middle of a fast for God. I am spending more time with God and yet the further into this I go the more frustrated and sad I get. It didn't make any sense. I cleaning out my body, spending time with God and in return I am up all night suffering.
Thursday morning I slept in. I woke up at 10:30, had some breakfast and went to work. There was no way I was going to wake up early to go down to Rio Salado to try to apply. I was too exhausted and worn out from the emotional night.
I did not let this stop me. I continued in the manner I had the day before. Prayer, vegan, no caffeine, no tv. I made a commitment and I would stick with it. Thursday night the church was having a special prayer meeting since we are doing the fast. I was a little worried it would be all men, that I would feel out of place. I wondered if I should go. But then my roommates were watching a movie I totally want to watch. It was perfect timing because not wanting to hear it I either needed to go to my bedroom or leave. So I got ready and left. I got to the church and the parking lot was mostly empty. I walked up to the where the meeting was being held but it didn't look like anyone was inside. It turned out that it was Pastor Kurt and three women, including me.
If you haven't gone to a prayer meeting normally, at least the ones i have gone to. You start with a couple praise songs and then everyone prays out loud for the next hour or so. You do not have to pray out loud it is of course optional. As Kurt started to pray as well as others I started to listen, really listen. Never, not once did they pray for themselves. There were prayers for the church, for the ministries, prayer for neighbors and witnessing opportunities. There were prayers for our government and country. But none of the three people I was in the room with prayed for themselves. And it was God saying, "Do you see?! Do you understand now?!" My prayers had been selfish. They were "I want, I want, I want." Other times "I need" and "why not" and "It's not fair." But never, not really meaning it at least, asked God what He wanted my next step to be. I even remembered earlier in the day when I thought I could work on a cruise line for awhile to save up some money. The thought crossed my mind, "Where is God in that plan?" But then I brushed it off, God will figure it out. Like as if He needs to just figure out how his plan work around my plan. As if! And I did pray for others some but not as much as I should be. And don't get me wrong you can pray for yourself, of course. But not like whiny child trying to get their way. Instead I need to humble myself and ask God how I can serve Him. How I can be a good shepherd to His sheep.
During the prayer meeting I was silent as all of this dawned on me. I have tried to think about it. What exactly got me to this point of selfishness and I can't figure it out. It may just be the sins of the flesh. I am just so thankful that God found a way to tell me how I was acting.
So tomorrow morning I do plan to go down to Rio Salado to see about just getting admitted and having the financial aid finalized. I still need to do a lot more prayer asking God if this is the step He wants me to take next. That although I am not sure what I will do with AAS degree make sure he does have a plan for it. And although I forgot it for awhile, I do know that I have followed God to where I am now out of the pit I had created myself. And if I want to get further out then I need to keep following God's steps because my steps can't lead me out.