About Me

Hi, my name is Angela and welcome to my blog. This is a place where I write about my life in an honest and open way.

I am 34 years old, single, and a Christian. God gave me a heart to work with children and so I spend my day teaching kindergarten. It is my fourth year teaching and although it is hard I love it. I currently go to a college for my BA in Elementary Education which keeps me busy. Between work and school there is not much time left but I enjoy serving and helping others, watching netflix, or reading a good book.


Sunday, January 31, 2010

An odd Sunday

Sunday 1/31/10

Cliff notes version: My eating was off today but I did get in 4 miles with my Walk Away the Pounds dvd's.

Longer version:

Today I woke up late so I grabbed something for breakfast (8:15am) but it was like 200 cal instead of my normal 300-400 cal. I had a kids party to go to from 1-3 so when I got home from church (Noon) I had some yogurt so I could have some pizza at the party. At the party Tirso didn't really understand what was going on and didn't want to sit to eat with the other kids. He had eaten some yogurt when I did so I wasn't sure he was still hungry so I wasn't going to force him. I got myself a small slice (1:45pm) and then he wanted to share the slice with me. So I had about half of a small slice of Barros Pizza. Tirso was of course excited as soon as he saw the cake so I got him a piece and he had a bite or two (plus the 5 m&m's off the top.) It looked really good but I didn't want to tempt myself by trying to just have a bite or two so I went with none. I got home from my sisters at about 6pm. I was so tired I don't know why but I can't really take naps, it messes me up and then I can't sleep at night. So I had a can of soda and dinner, chicken and rice. Later in the evening while watching tv I was hungry so I ate a cheese stick but wasn't satisfied so I also ate a 100 cal popcorn bag. Over all I don't think I ate too many calories in fact I think I ate two few and at weird times. Then I also had some greasy pizza and greasy popcorn which is probably why my stomach has been upset for a couple hours now. I haven't had anything really greasy for a week now. Maybe it is something else though, I was playing at a children's center where germs are everywhere plus it was kind of stressful hanging out with extended family members that I don't usually talk too. I always get nervous about that kind of stuff. My lesson from today is I need to take the time to eat the right amount of food. I don't think the saving calories to eat pizza was bad but when I didn't have enough I should have had a quick snack available to eat on the way home or when I got to my sisters house instead of just waiting for dinner.

I had such a problem exercising tonight. I was sooo tired when i got home but I knew I had to get some exercise in. The first thing I tried was popping in my movie from Netflix. I had "Gamer" to watch, but it was very visual so I kept trying to do a video while i watched but then I kept missing things. So I sat down and watched it (this is when I ate the cheese and popcorn.) So then I tried to do the video while watching something from my Hulu queue. There is plenty in it that I don't really have to pay attention to so started one. I got 1 mile done but that was a struggle and just failed at trying to move to mile 2. This next part I am so proud of!!! I knew I needed to exercise. I knew it was so much more important than whatever tv show I wanted to watch. So I stopped the show, put my laptop to sleep, unmuted my tv and did 3 more miles. They were so hard, there was 1 mile I hadn't done before focusing on legs by adding lunges and squats. It was crazy! But I pushed through, did them all and managed to do a tummy toning mile after that. So yea 4 miles again. I don't know if I will do anything tomorrow. I think if I do it will be on the wii fit plus to try and mix it up a bit. Plus I already feel like I am going to be sore tomorrow when I wake up. Plus I want to be able to work out during The Biggest Loser on Tuesday so I don't want to push too hard on Monday. Anyways I don't think the day was too bad but I can see where I can improve. Now off to bed.

Saturday, January 30, 2010

Week 1 - 3 lb loss

Week Review:

So I finally weighed in, I was totally excited. Honestly I probably shouldn't be because my pants felt the same way but I had worked so hard this week and ate so well so I had a good feeling about it. So I totally lost 3 lbs this week! Yea me!!

I know I could have worked out more this week. Also now that I have started working out I can see that it is getting easier to work harder and longer. So this week I would like to get in more exercise. I think I did well with my eating. This week I think I want to actually track what I am eating and make sure my calories are at the right spot. I have enough experience I can pretty much estimate calories in my head so I think I am good. But it won't hurt to check. I am also go to also be checking fat, sugar, and protein to make sure they are all in reasonable levels as well.

I do know that 3lbs is a lot and so I should not expect this amount every week. My actual goal is 1 lb per week but would love 2 lbs. I have a lot to loose and know that I also need to be watching more than just my weight but my waist size and how I feel. My wii fit plus does track my waist size so I add that in today and will hopefully watch that shrink as well.

Saturday 1/30/10

Today I babysat my nephew. I brought one of my WAP dvd's with me but did not end up doing it there. I did pack my own lunch so I brought that along and ate healthy all day. As soon as I got home (before dinner) I weighed myself because I was so excited to see. I will need to pay attention to this in future weeks of weighing in the same time. At that point I ate a good dinner (yesterday leftovers.) My dad came down today and my younger brother was over. My dad got a new computer so they were all talking and what-not in the kitchen. I didn't want to do a WAP video while they were right there, plus their was no tv shows on. So instead I got on the wii fit again. I exercised for 1 hr and about 325 calories. I have a desire to do more but visited with family instead. I am not sure how I could have avoided this challenge of having my house full. I don't really feel comfortable walking outdoors at night. I live in a bad neighborhood and I am not good at tracking my own speed or how far I have gone. Is that an excuse? I guess not if my safety is involved. It is not like this happens a lot though so I think this is just one of those things that get in the way. I still did some exercise on the wii anyways and know that I need to push myself tomorrow night or maybe actually work out at my sisters house. I wonder how Tirso would react to me working out. Guess I can always try and see.

A missed day

Friday 1/29/10

I don't know why but I didn't exercise today. I mean I had a great day at work, boss wasn't there and I was kind of in charge but everything went fine. I ate healthy although at work they were having a luau for some of the kids and I was in charge of grilling hot dogs. We had so many left overs and people kept telling me I should eat one. But I resisted, I was good. I was walking to my car after work and was thinking about what exercises I was going to do this evening and honestly I was excited about it. I haven't been sore all day, which is great. I was worried yesterday's workout would have been too much.

If you are a Biggest Loser fan then you are familiar with "the last chance workout." It is simply the last push before weigh in day. Well I have been anxious about weighing and I realized on my drive home that this evening was my last chance workout because I plan on weighing in on Sat night. I got home, at a great healthy dinner. Actually I was feeling happy about how I have been working out this week and wanted something special so I had stopped at Fry's and picked up a pizza. I looked through the different options. California Kitchen pizza isn't too bad but I wanted something better. Next I looked at a brand called Amy's they have all organic stuff so I knew their pizza would be healthy but I worried it might not taste good. Then I saw some Wolf Gang Puck pizza. It has organic whole grain crust and uses fresh, less processed meats and cheese. It was about the same price as the other two brands so I grabbed it. It was great! And I was so proud of myself. It is a small pizza like personal size but it was supposed to be 3 servings. I figured out the calories and figured half should be fine. I added a small side salad and it turned out to be the perfect amount of food. I knew it should be because I knew my calories. But I don't know I just am so glad that I just immediately pulled out two plates, after it cooked cut it and divided it in half. And now I have another great dinner for tomorrow evening.

But after all that I just laid on the couch for 3 hours watching tv. At one point I pulled out the WAP dvd and changed into my workout clothes but didn't get started. It still seemed early so then I popped in a movie, Surrogates it was really good, but I just never got the video started and up off my butt.

So now it is midnight and too late to exercise. I have to be to my sisters by 9:30 tomorrow morning and I need to get some sleep. I feel really disappointed in myself. Not necessarily because of how it will affect my weigh in tomorrow but more because I want to make this a routine. If I watch tv or movie I use the time wisely with some type of activity. I can't change what I have done today and honestly it wasn't that bad because I have a plus food wise so I won't beat myself up about this. But I want to learn from it, move on from it, and plan to exercise when I get home from my sisters tomorrow.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

A Thursday Update

Wednesday 1/27/10
So as I had said in my last blog I didn't think I would work out on Wednesday and I was right. After work and church I kind of wanted to do something but my body felt really tired from the previous days workout so I gave myself a break.

Thursday 1/28/10
This morning when i woke up I decided to...let's say play a mental game with myself. As I said the plan is to not weigh in until saturday. I always weigh myself in the evening because it is a "truer" number. You probably know that if you weigh yourself in the morning it will be a lower number due to things such as the 8 hour fast you just had, water weight and food weight. So while getting dressed I stepped on my scale. Now it wasn't on the wii fit and of course I didn't write it down where I track my weight, it was just kind of to see and motivate. Anyways, it said I dropped 8 lbs. I would love to drop 8 lbs this week but I know that is silly. But it did work. I watched what I ate today and really wanted to eat some of the snacks I was feeding the kids today but I resisted. Go me!!

Then this evening I had to get my exercise on. I thought I had 3 hours of tv on but turns out everything was reruns. So I did a one mile walk (Walk Away the Pounds or WAP) while watching a new episode of Bones. Then went over to my brothers living room to get on the wii fit. I did 20 min of stair stepping for a total of about 2200 steps. Then my brother and sil came home so I gave them back their living room and went back to mine. I didn't feel this was enough and wasn't sure when my brother would go to bed so I could use the wii fit again so I popped in a movie "Taking Woodstock" and did 3 more miles with the WAP video.

I have 4 different videos each with multiple different types of miles on them. Today I did a video that included hand weights for 3 of the miles I did. I can definitely feel it in my arms. It feels good. I kind of want to do more because the exercise does make my body feel good but don't want to push myself. I have a long day at work tomorrow and don't want to be too sore or anything.

So I wanted to update you with my current happenings. Oh wait I was going to mention. I was thinking of adding a progress bar to my page. I don't how I will do it. Of course the standard way is to put how much weight I want to loose and then just move the bar to the total amount lost. But I think I might want to just say my current weight and goal weight, well maybe a 1 year goal weight, and put that down. Saying my real weight for all to see may be a little embarrassing but not really. If you are reading this then you have probably met me and know I am morbidly obese. Not sure which weigh I will go, guess we will see. But for now I am off to take a shower and then read part of my current motivational books, "Fat Chance" by Julie Hadden, she was on season 4 of The Biggest Loser. So far it has been major encouragement to get my butt moving!

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Some positive

I was reminded again this morning while reading others blogs I do not always post the positive. So I wanted to do a quick post to let you know some positive. Last night while watching The Biggest Loser I took my laptop put it on top of the tv, popped in one of my Walk Away the Pounds dvd's and got my walk on. Although it is sometimes difficult to follow the dvd and watch tv I like how my body feels better with the dvd then the treadmill so I went this route. In totally I walked 3 miles. I did have about a 10 min break between mile one and two but with the show being 2 hours I was able to stay motivated the entire time. The miles on the dvd are about 14 min miles. I am pretty sure the second mile I did was faster but I am not sure.

Later in the evening I was watching Pandorum (scary movie) and I kept thinking about the wii fit program. It has this option to just use the board as a step, change the channel and the remote will keep beeping at you to help you keep pace while it counts your steps. I didn't really want to watch the movie in my brothers living room so I did the next best thing. I have steps that I use with The Firm workout. I pulled out the lower step (about 4 in high, about twice the hight of the wii board) and got to stepping. I don't know the exact number of steps but I watched the clock and stepped for a full 20 min making sure to switch the primary stepping leg every few min.

I am so proud of myself. Today is Wed and I have a full day because I go to church for a few hours after work so I knew I wouldn't get much exercise tonight. So I am glad I was able to do so much last night. Today my upper back/shoulders are a little sore but mostly I feel good. So go me!! :)

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Was this learned or self taught?

I have never really blamed my mother for being overweight. I know that as a kid I was very picky and it was hard for my parents. So picky in fact my sister learned from my odd behavior. See I hate vegetables. Well most I would eat corn and green beans and broccoli but spinach, peas, cauliflower, zucchini it was all so gross. They would always give the threat that if I didn't eat my vegetables then no desert. So I would say, "Ok, no desert." My older sister knowing this with her kids make them eat it for breakfast if they don't eat it for dinner. Kind of like a "your going to eat eventually so just eat it now." I guess I have never discussed it with her, maybe this came from her kid's fathers side but the self-absorbed part of me is pretty sure she was effected by me.

We never went to the doctors a lot. Mom hated doctors and we never had insurance. I remember though going at like 12. I had to get a physical to say I had bad eye sight so that I could go to an optometrist (even though I already wore glasses at the time.) It was some requirement from the gov't coverage we had at the time. At that point I was already overweight for my age and the dr of course questioned this. I remember mom saying she cooked us dinner and watched what we ate. Then the dr pointedly asked my mom if maybe I was sneaking food. She said, "No, I would no that." then they turned to me and asked me if I did. Knowing that even just the night before I had snuck 2 or 3 cookies while mom wasn't watching I said "No." It was a lie, I felt so guilty. But mom believed me and the dr moved on. So I can't blame mom, what was she supposed to do lock up the food or count it all to watch if something went missing? I am glad that she never put me on a "diet" as a kid, even though she went on several herself.

But I try to think about my kids. What I want to feed them and teach them about food. What kind of example I want to lead for them. This is one of my motivation, really one of my biggest ones. I want to teach them to eat healthy but to do that I need to be an example. I know that part of my body is pre-disposed to being overweight, my mothers family is overweight, most of my siblings as well. Not obese like me but not the "ideal-weight" either. So to combat genetics for my kids I want to know my stuff, be an example and know what to feed my kids. Because I figure if I just fed them right then they won't be like me.

I have been reading some books. Biographies from people who have lost over 100 lbs. I have also been reading fitness sites looking for inspirational stories. And what I notice is that for many people they were fed healthy items and were active as kids so they were skinny kids and teenagers but it was after that that they plumped up. That even if the parents teach them right the processed foods and junk that is out their is just so easy, cheap, and delicious that I can't really prevent anything in them. I know it is one of those, teach them as kids and then you have to let them make there own decisions. But this just makes me think even more about how really my mom really couldn't have done anything. The choices that I make right now that are my downfalls each time are against what she taught me. I crave sugar and overeat snacks, or have too many snacks in a day. Or really feeling a need to "splurge" on myself by going out to eat. Mom never took us out to eat because it was expensive and not healthy. So now I always feel like it is this special treat. So then when i deny myself of it, even for the right reasons, I start to feel like I am depriving myself. I think this is one of my biggest problems. Why is it so hard to loose weight? Because on every corner their is a fast food restaurant or sit down restaurant just calling me. It is hard. This weekend when I kind of went crazy with food, I ate out I think three or four times. The first time I kind of realized that it wasn't a certain type of food I was craving it was just food from any restaurant. I don't know how to combat this. They restaurants will always be there and I have to somehow learn not to let them control me. I mean even the fact that saturday morning, after I ate out friday night, I felt gross and sluggish and yet I still went out to eat again on Sunday night. I knew that the junk I ate was just that junk. Ok here's what I ate and sorry if this grosses you out. I ended up at Arby's, I had two arby melts, a med fry, and three mozzarella sticks, plus it was the first time I drank caffeine in 2 weeks. Then I went and hung out at Barnes and Noble and ended up eating a slice of Cheesecake Factory cheesecake, another soda, and then bought a large cookie to eat at home later. Like a million calories, mostly from fat, none of it healthy. Could I have gone out and made a healthy food choices, of course but my head just wanted to eat the junk that I am used to and that for some sick reason my brain craves. I say brain not body because I know the next day my body was pretty mad at me for my choices.

So how, if I change my habits do I teach my kids. Maybe I just wasn't actually taught enough about making healthy choices. If I discuss healthy choices with my kids and why they are healthier maybe that will make a difference. My sisters kids, besides having an awesome metabolism from their dad eat lots and lots of fruit, they love it. But I never have, I don't understand how she did it. And well honestly I don't have kids yet (or even a boyfriend let alone a husband for that matter) so I don't need to know that now. So for now I will worry about me and worry about teaching my kids when I have them.

Monday, January 25, 2010

A new week

There are a dozen things I should be doing right now and none of them are sitting here stairing at my treadmill. If you read my last post you know I was facing temptation. What did I do? Well I did pull out my walk away the pounds dvd and walk for a mile. Then for the next 24 hrs ate everything I shouldn't. This kind of continued over the weekend as well but I was trying to get myself back under control. So today I ate fairly well and tonight I needed to start exercising again. But I can't seem to get myself to do it. I had some time before my tv shows started to pop in a video but I just read a book instead. Then I pulled out the treadmill and tried to walk on it but...well it was a combination of not wanting to because my brother and sil was in the next room and because my heart rate kept getting so high so quickly since I haven't exercised for a few days. My tv shows are over but I don't really want to do a video. And then I think well I should go get on the wii fit, I am sure I will get into it when I start going. But I realize that I should only weigh myself once a week instead of daily and not weighing in when I log in will frustrate me. So now besides staring at my treadmill I am also wanting to go weigh myself to see if I have gone up or down.

This is my problem I get so obsessed. This is why I lost the 30 lbs over the last 7 months, because I was just watching what I was eating, being active in daily life by parking further away or being active with the kids I work with. But when I watch every calorie and monitor how much I exercise it drives me crazy. I don't know how I can make myself a moderate balance. I want to loose the weight, and eating this healthier food isn't a huge deal I just need to get used to the change. I mean I grew up drinking 2% milk and as an adult switched to skim, now I think 2% tastes funny. I also like it when I exercise. I think I just have to push threw. Realize it is going to be difficult and my body and brain are going to try and revolt but after time it will realize that the new way is actually better for it. I guess it really is like stopping smoking. Not that I have ever smoked but know plenty of people who have tried, some succeeded and some did not.

Still wishing for the magic button to make this easier.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Temptation

Every time I try to loose wait I get so frustrated. For the past week I have been exercising an hour plus daily plus I have switched to healthier foods and stopped my night time eating. But when i way myself I only see myself gaining weight! It is so frustrating! I want to see the results. I have this internal battle going on where it is a fight all the time to eat the right things, and not overeat, and work out like I should. Right now I stepped on my Wii fit plus board and gained 2lbs and all I want to do is go make a big plate of nachos to eat (I have no ice cream in the house and my car is currently blocked in so no late night run.) But I have cheese and chips and chicken and salsa and it would be greasy and salty and delicious. And then the other side reminds me that this is why my attempts to loose weight always fail. I don't try long enough, I don't give my body enough time to make the change and instead give up. So part of my wants to stick in a dvd and jump on the treadmill and walk a few miles. Honestly this is why sometimes I don't watch The Biggest Loser. The contestants loose so much weight every week. And I know that they work out 8 hrs a day or more and don't drive past a dozen fast food restaurant every day. It is frustrating that I worked out two hours yesterday and although I was Extremely craving ice cream I didn't stop. I came home had a fruit popsicle and worked out. And what is my result a 2lb weight gain. I hate it! My brother was in the room and says "results take time" I know this, I do but it is just so hard. I wish it wasn't so hard. I wish I could just loose the weight as easily as I gained it. The big picture seems so far away and that plate of nachos and that instant gratification I could have in a few minutes. Why is this so hard?

Monday, January 4, 2010

My Walls

I want to paint my room. I moved in like 8 months ago now and I really want to paint my room. I am currently staying in my younger brothers room. My mom painted it a decade ago in a blue and white to look like clouds. Though she did this weird texture thing that was kind of fancy but now thinking about repainting it makes me cringe at the difficulties of filling the crazy little holes with paint.

I wanted to paint my condo too. It makes it feel more like mine when I decorate it with what I like. I really want to use some of those cool stick on decorations. They make the words and the designs so you can just stick them on and create a truly unique room. I love that I feel comfortable in my current home. That I like being here and can feel relaxed. But the truth is this is just a temporary stop in my path. I can not forever live with my dad. It's not right to him and honestly my path should continue to grow past this. So maybe one day I will change them but for now they will stay blue and white. :)

Friday, January 1, 2010

Resolution Time

I usually don't do resolutions but I think this year I need to use this "new year" as an opportunity for change. My resolutions are really what I always try to work on and the standard resolutions for most of America. They boil down to three"

1. Finances
2. Weight
3. God

The first is my finances. As you know I moved out of my condo into my dad's place. I work two part time jobs which keeps me busy seven days a week but I Love both jobs and the pay is exactly what I need. (Totally a God thing, all thanks goes to He.) The problem is that I have become lax in this. If I write it all out I have plenty of money for bills, food, and a couple "extra's." But when I start indulging my desires instead of needs at the end of the month it doesn't work out....Ok, let me be honest. Over the last two months I have started eating out at a restaurant for lunch at least once a week plus going out to eat on Sunday's which usually means not just food for me but nephews as well. When I look at my bank statement for the last month or two I can see that most of my money is going to food, really for food I am paying someone else to prepare for me. I know why I do it, its totally psychological. We never ate out as kids whether sit down restaurants or fast food. So I always feel "fancy" when I go out to eat. Like it is a sign that I am doing well that I can eat out often. But I also intellectually know that nobody really cares except maybe people that are jealous and really I shouldn't be creating that for other people as I know how it feels. But I guess its like for some girls who go buy a new fancy purse or pair of shoes giving yourself that "I'm important" feeling. Anyways, I have to stop spending and start being responsible. Pay down some of my debt while I have this opportunity to do so.

I hate to admit it but God is not first in my life. It is even obvious by the fact that He is third on my list. I go to church and bible study and I try to learn what I am hearing. With my recent increase of books I have been adding christian fiction and non-fiction to my list. But the personal relationship is...distant. I go to long between prayers, when really it should be daily. I know that when I was doing a daily devotion I enjoyed it but I haven't done one for so long. So step one is go through my current bookcases and find a daily devotion to follow. Step two a dedicated prayer time every day. It can be with the daily devotion or in addition. But I have to start talking to God regularly again! Step three is to get more involved in bible study (I have already started bringing a note book to take notes in the last two weeks.) But possibly looking for a small group to attend during the week. I used to meet with a group of friends but that fell apart. They are currently doing one for couples (being single I was not invited.) So I will need to branch out and see if I can find one with maybe a different church that I would enjoy.

The last is my weight. So it is actually pretty exciting but it feels so small I don't like telling people but I have been tracking my weight for years and in the last 7 months I have lost 30 lbs! You can't really see it on me and I only kind of went down a size but when I think about it it is pretty exciting. I have been doing more of a push to loose some weight since I moved and I am glad to see that it is actually working. It is also motivating to the fact that if I was more dedicated I would see more of a loss from month to month. It's not really about the way I look; even if I haven't found a guy that thinks so I think I am beautiful. But (and I have probably said this before so sorry for the repeat) I want to have babies eventually and I can't at this weight. Also I know that weighing this much is not good for my heart. I am only 27 and I shouldn't wonder if my heart burn is more than that or a sore arm is something more serious. So I can't believe I am about to admit this but I actually want to read Alicia Silverstone's book "The Kind Diet." I don't care about killing animals, I think God put them here for that. But I think that a lot of the junk I eat is not good for me and maybe if I broaden my knowledge of healthy foods and recipes. And learn about what the processed food is doing to my body it might be a helpful motivator toward change. I don't know, we'll see.

So there they are, in black and white for all the world to see. I guess we will find out what happens.