About Me

Hi, my name is Angela and welcome to my blog. This is a place where I write about my life in an honest and open way.

I am 34 years old, single, and a Christian. God gave me a heart to work with children and so I spend my day teaching kindergarten. It is my fourth year teaching and although it is hard I love it. I currently go to a college for my BA in Elementary Education which keeps me busy. Between work and school there is not much time left but I enjoy serving and helping others, watching netflix, or reading a good book.


Saturday, February 28, 2009

Pampered Chef - Part 2

So I was excited about my new Pampered Chef stone so I picked up a frozen pizza this evening for dinner. In an effort of full disclosure the first time I had cooked two of the Red Baron french bread pizza single things. This time I was cooking a full pizza. I heard a nose from my oven but figured it was nothing but then I continued to hear other noises so I went to take a look and this is what I found.












Every one said it is made to break in in three pieces, I suppose 5 pieces is pretty close considering at least it didn't shatter.





I didn't do anything weird, I don't know why it broke. The oven was at 425 and it had only been in their about 15 maybe 20 min. It has a warranty so I should be able to get a replacement. But it broke during the second use, what's up with that?

Friday, February 27, 2009

Sing-a-long

In the car I am always tuned to K-Love listening to my Christian music wherever I go. When you hear the same songs over and over you learn all the words. I am not afraid to admit it I always sing along in my, even if you are looking. So sometimes without even thinking about it I am singing along to a song I'm not even thinking about. Sometimes I catch myself singing along to a song and I stop and go 'wait, no I don't mean that!' Some Christian songs can be very personal and really touch you if you stop to listen. Today I was singing along with a Mercy Me song Bring the Rain. The words from the chorus go:

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus Bring the Rain

And all I can think is no, no more rain. Please stop, give me a break. So then in effort to not sing words I don't believe I try to not sing along but then I can't think about anything else. So I start singing along and when I sing the last couple of lines in my head I go 'please no' it was just silly. Obviously God knows the difference of me praying something and mindlessly singing along to a random song on the radio. But I have done it before, I have to like stop singing because I actually think about the words coming out of my mouth. How crazy is that that I don't even know what is coming out of my mouth sometimes. That just shows how much the music you listen to really does make a difference.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Side Effect

So a good friend was having a pampered chef party. I went because it was an excuss to hang out with friends but of course I bought some stuff. I have only heard amazing stuff about their products but the price kind of scared me off. But I bought I few things. I went with the large round stone, teaspoon measurers, a scoop (for cookies,) and an ice cream scoop.

I picked up my stuff yesterday but couldn't use my stone till this evening. You have to 'season' it first so I rinsed the stone (no soap allowed) then I coated it with vegetable oil per instructions and then cooked my frozen pizza. It came out perfect; cooked all the way through and perfectly crispy. There was one side effect. You know how when you deep fry something the air just fills with oil. It happened with this. I must have put too much oil on the board. I could feel it in the air as soon as I opened the oven. I went to church this evening and when I got home and opened the door it just hit me. So now I have my door open and fan running trying to air my house out. But I think it was worth, I feel so fancy having a learning curve with a kitchen product. I usually keep everything very easy in the kitchen.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Shift Bid, really?!

So I was writing this post last night. It was more of my whining about my bad week and stupid school and blah and then the 'surprise' shift bid at work and my aggravation. And I finished it and submitted it and then realized I wasn't online anymore. So I try to quickly copy my text but it doesn't work. And then I can't get back online. Sometimes that happens in the middle of the night; cox stops working for a few min or my air card needs reseting. But I tried those and they didn't work so I was able to run this network diagnostic and it said everything was working but no pages would come up. I tried resetting everything and tried it again. Everything said my internet should be working but no page would load. So I figured this was God stopping me from being all whiny again.

As I realize one more thing in my life that I have no control over. I realize even more continuing to get more and more angry just isn't working for me. So I am going to try to make little changes. I know I kind of said this before but here I am still. So I have come up with 3 steps to start with.

Step 1: Start reading my bible daily again. 
- I had done this for some time now but lately I stopped. There are few reasons why; the devotional I was using became a little frustrating and then because I keep staying up so late doing bible study when I only have a couple hours till school starts just doesn't happen. But I need to start that commitment again.

Step 2: More Prayer
- I get all frustrated with life and so what do I do, the same thing everyone does but blame God. And it is difficult to have an open conversation with God when you are mad at Him. But I know better and I should have increased amount of conversations not less.

Step 3: Regular Sleep
- This is going to be the hardest but may be the most important and will totally clash with step 1. MWF I get up at 7 for class, on Sun. up by 8 for church, and then on Tue, Thur, Sat I sleep in. And I think almost every night I am up till at least 2am sometimes as late/early as 4am. Although I don't get home till 11:45 four nights of the week due to work I think that a schedule can be made. And of course if I got up early on T,T,S and did homework then I wouldn't have an excuse to stay up so late all the time. It will be tough, I am such a night owl. But regular sleep can only help

So I will start with these three steps. The first two are pretty basic and the third, well, I got to take that one day at a time.

Friday, February 13, 2009

a day off

Disclosure: This is me being whiny and negative. But I don't believe censoring myself just because I know people are reading this. This is how I feel right now in these moments and not blogging won't change that fact.



All I know is what I am doing isn't working. I try to be positive, I try to remember the callers at work aren't actually mad at me just their life. I try to remember God isn't going to give me more than I can handle. But all I feel is a rage growing inside of me. I don't get angry but in the past few months I have been. I don't like it and I don't want it. It is so the opposite of what I want to be. 

In case I haven't mentioned it I work in a call center taking customer service calls for a cellular company. In the past month or so I have while on a call put them on mute and then making an emotional outburst that I wish I could say to the customer because they are making me so angry and they are being ridiculous but I would totally loose my job if I said. My co-workers all think it is pretty funny. But the last week I have even noticed that I have just gotten mad, and gotten mad a lot. I know I have a few more escalated calls because I said something in a bad tone and of course they don't have to take that, I wouldn't take it. The problem is its not like I mean to be mean I just don't seem to have a filter right now and my patients is very thin. 

Yesterday I had to transfer a call to sup. This time it really wasn't something I said I just couldn't explain to the woman so she could understand. And think at any other time I would have been able to stop and figure out a better way but instead I just kept getting frustrated with her and then she with me. So then I had to transfer, and I hate transferring to a sup because it points out I didn't do my job. So I was a little, i'd say forceful with the sup, so then the sup wanted to know who my sup was which is never a good sign. After the call she actually came over to see if everything was alright and let me know I was lucky have a job right now and then pretty much I need to just get over my bad day. On its own not a big deal I got the point. But then in two different conversation with separate people I was I kind of told I am getting a little to angry too often. They said it polite ways and even joking around. But that they actually stopped to say it, that just drove home the point even more. 

On April 16th I am eligable to move to a different department. And I do have to stay through the company through May 8th as I have to finish my classes or I will have to pay the company back (which would be almost $3500 for this semester.) So I keep holding on knowing my bills get paid I don't want to loose my home and they are paying for my school. 

School. For the last 8 1/2 years I have attended colleges off and on. I have about 40 credits but have taken and failed so many classes I could have a bachelors degree by now. I have dropped out of school three times before. I think it is just the balancing work, school, and other all together. For some reason I can't seem to do. Which is a very scary thought because how will I be able to handle kids and work if I can't handle school and work? More on that some other time. But I decided I could do it this time. I was taking classes I wanted and I had the motivation of paying back my company. And I was actually going to classes when for years I have only done online classes. But again I can't seem to keep everything together. So I run around with no sleep and get my assignments done last minute because there is just no time. This week I was doing so much better I got about half the work done on tuesday and wednesday and then stayed up last night finishing everything. I also had a test today that i had made flash cards for and had been studying since tuesday. 

So last night I spent an hour doing an assignment for english that was due today. Listed on the paper handed to us and in the syllabus it was due today. Then today in class he says, well I forgot to remind you so it will be due mon. Which is crazy because if I new it wasn't due till mon I would have spent an hour studying for my test or even sleeping. It wasn't fair, I guess half the class new it was due but decided not to do and then said they didn't realize it was due so he let it slide till mon. No, give me extra credit for having time. Brats!! Anyways I totally failed the test, I just know it. I had studied. It was just memorizing all this stuff my bib interp class. And then I get into class and I am looking at the paper and I can't think of anything, my mind went blank. There was one section I spent forever going over and over on and I think i came up with 2 out of the list of nine things. It was just so frustrating. And then half the test was observing a several verses. I felt like I couldn't find anything. They had to be there but for some reason I was again just blank. So now I failed this test and then last week in english I had turned in an essay and I totally got a D on it. I am no good at commas and colons and honestly I can't even point out the noun so pointing out the adjective clause followed by the noun is something I can't do either. And I know I have a list of people who are great at english and would be happy to proof read it including my sister in law who teaches high school english. But I would have to get the papers done early so I get it to them and I am lucky if I get them done on time for class. 

I feel like this was a huge mistake. I shouldn't have gone back. If I go through all of the pain and strife and then I fail the classes anyways. I don't think I could handle it. It's not like I am not trying I just, I don't know what I am doing wrong or how to fix it. I just feel so hopeless right now and I don't understand why God would want me to live this way. And if He doesn't then what did I miss because here I am. 

So knowing how angry I was at callers yesterday and the fact that I think sticking with it for school is pointless if I am just going to fail anyways I knew this was a bad combination. So I called in sick. Actually I hate doing that, I need to just work anyways just power through it, they pay me to work not just take days off. I even started driving to work and then pulled to the side of the road because everything in me was saying I shouldn't go in because with my current attitude. I would possibly do something stupid and get myself fired. And it was only my feeling of obligation not to let, i don't even know who, down by not showing up. So I called in, turned around and here I am. Sitting in the dark, telling people way too much information about myself, praying desperately that this is not what the rest of my life looks like. 

I do think some of this is due to the fact that in a month I will turn 27 and for some reason 27 seems so very close to 30. And I am eternally single and totally sad every time I see all of my friends beautiful baby pictures. I want babies, I want to be a mother and right now I feel like that may never happen. Like, I know it will, it has too. But right now I can't see it and I question if I would actually be good at it with my messy house and disorganized life and lack of ability to juggle work and school. The idea seems so distant right now and when I pictured 27 this wasn't it; single living my three cats working at a dead end job that I despise. I thought God had more for me, how did I miss it?


Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Biggest Loser

I was just watching tv and it turns out The Biggest Loser is coming to town to do interviews on March 7th. I could possibly get the day off work but that's not the biggest question. Would I be charismatic enough? I wouldn't mind quitting my job, if I left on good terms I could probably come back. I do have school until May 8th. They are only doing in person interviews through March 14th so it is likely they would start the taping before that. The average season is 15 weeks, which means season finally is on April 14th. But they do get 3 months at home before the season finally which is probably the trainers time off so do they start right after that. I did also hear a rumor that Bob and Jillian do seasons in Australia as well so it is kind of hard to say. I know I wouldn't give up school to go on the show but I would even give away my cats to give me the opportunity. And I have heard they pay very well, which if you have seen the show is why everyone goes along with the blatant adds for the sponsors. ... ok giving up my cats would be really hard, especially penny cause I would have her forever, but she is just a cat right. Sorry I just felt a little sad at the idea of losing her... I know I could always try out and leave the rest in God's hands. That's really how most life of works anyways. We will see. 

On a side note: I would totally choose Jillian. I know Bob's people seem to win because they are more about the game but I think it is Jillian's people who actually keep it off. And $250,000 would be awesome but actually loosing the weight priceless. How about you, Bob or Jillian?

Wednesday

So I had Tue off. I spent hours working on homework so I wouldn't have it to do on thur night so I can have plenty of sleep before school on Fri. Well last night I was watching tv and paying Sims, and in case you haven't played it is very addicting and you totally loose track of time. I think I actually got off the computer around 2:30am and then I still had to get ready for bed. Lets just say about 4 hours of sleep, probably a little less. I am not too tired today though, waking up was hard but now that I am off and going everything is good. 

School was good. Actually I think it was a little more fun than normal everyone just joking around and stuff. I think my english teacher is a little crazy with the amount of work he is assigning. Today, halfway through week 5, he finally gave us a syllabus. He has daily assignments, plus every 2 weeks a 5 research paper is due, and then all the while we are to be working on our final assignment. I don't know when I am going to find all the time that is going to be needed for this. But I will do what is needed, have to pass the class. My biblical interpretation class is better. We are going to have a paper due for the class but teacher is pretty cool about making sure he doesn't pile on too much work. Everything appears to be reasonably spaced out. Plenty of assignments but not nothing like english. Ok, enough whining. 

After class I headed over to CCV, Christ's Church of the Valley. They are having an exhibit that includes the Dead Sea Scrolls and then a history of the bible. My bib interp teacher had gone to see it a couple times and said we could get extra credit if we went. I have write a couple paragraphs about it and bring a pamphlet but I figured easy points. Plus I think that is totally cool that my extra credit is going to a church and looking at bibles and it doesn't cost anything to get in.

So when you go they actually give you a book, like the size of a magazine, that you can read while you go through. The information you actually need is actually printed on the walls next to the exhibits. So the wall has a paragraph and if you open up the book the first paragraph is the same and then another 2 or 3 paragraphs of further details. I have to be honest I don't really like history. And sometimes while I was walking through I would get to the end of a paragraph and have no idea what I had just read. But I did learn a lot of information. They have bibles throughout history showing first translations and how we went from sea scrolls to the King James version. In fact they actually have the copy of the bible that went to the moon so that was cool. Now here is the embarrassing part. I am going through I am taking my time, I think I was there an hour and a half, others though were only there for about a half hour. At one point they were talking about the switch from the Genevan bible to the King James bible. They were discussing him and how he commissioned a bible to be made. And it wasn't until it actually said, "he is most known for having a bible named after him." First reaction was 'what,' I had to like stop and look at the words 'King James Bible' and then look at his name 'King James' and next verbally out of my mouth was an 'Ohhhhh' I felt stupid saying it aloud because besides the classical music the room is pretty silent. I felt like an idiot. I have never stopped to think about the fact that the King James bible was named after a King James. I then ran through my head; NIV - New International Version that makes sense, NASB - New American Standard Bible that one makes sense too. I just think that is so weird I never thought of it. Though my bib interp class keeps doing that to me. I read a verse and I see something I would swear was not there before. There is this verse about Jesus bringing a girl back to life. In my class we are to read the NASB version. So Mark 5:42 says, "Immediately the girl got up and began to walk, for she was twelve years old. And immediately they were completely astounded." The verse says specifically the girl is twelve, now I have read this before and I would have sworn it didn't say that. So I thought maybe it was the version so I got up and checked my NIV and even a KJV and both have. Its a huge deal, so the girl was 12, but I just felt admit that I'd never seen it before. So that was a fun trip. I guess it will be there all month free of charge and their open all day 7 days a week so if you have time I recommend it. Especially if you like history. 

On a completely different note. I have discussed this with my sister before. The fact that people do discriminate against me for what can only say must be my weight. Now lately I have talked with several people lately who say I am not actually very fat or that big they don't know why I talk like I am. Now I admit yes I carry my weight well but I am 315 lbs, which is huge. Now I am not in a wheelchair but I have seen myself, I know the size of my close I am a big girl. It was a couple years ago and my sister thought that although were rude to me about my weight when I was kid, that kid stuff or high school. I explained it does happen, not often but every once in awhile. The one that sticks in my head the most was a small party I went to. A friend brought her newest boyfriend and he... well there is no other way to say it but refused to acknowledge me. This is actually the easiest way I know what is going on. But I hate to jump to conclusions. There were about 6 of us there he said hi to everyone, shook hands skipped right over me. That happens. He and friend were talking and I was sitting right there and I joined the conversion but every time I talked he would not acknowledge me even when I was talking directly to him. She would then like repeat what I said and there was an acknowledgment. Now his girlfriend probably a size 4, and the other girl in the conversion was about a size 12. He had never met the other girl either so it isn't he just didn't know me and new her, we had all just met. Later we were watching a movie and he some random question out loud. Knowing he wouldn't acknowledge me and just to see what he would do. I totally answered the question, loud enough for everyone to hear. He asks the question again, so someone else in the room repeats my answer and he thanks them! I just laughed it was just funny. I think someone even mentioned 'didn't angela just say that.' But whatever right, I didn't say anything to the girl I didn't think they would last and they didn't. No need to call the guy out on it, doesn't help anybody. The reason why I mention this is after the exhibit I went to lunch. I was trying to decide between Chili's and Chick-fil-a. I decided to go with Chili's, I had the time so I went with it. Turns out bad idea. My waiter I swear does not like fat people. I was kind of on the edge maybe just a bad day or something. But as I watched him wait on other tables it was true. I didn't know what to do. I kind of just wanted to leave because I am obviously making him uncomfortable that he doesn't want to spend any time at table, was barely there to take my order and said least amount of words possible (totally chatty with his other tables) and this was making me uncomfortable. But I had already ordered and I didn't order and leave that would be totally rude. He totally rushed me out the door, and I kind of let him because I didn't want to be there he was making me feel like I was a freak or something. And then I didn't know what to do with the tip. I didn't tell him he was doing anything wrong so should I really stiff him, so I gave him a ok tip. What is the protocol for something like this? Honestly I am kind of glad I handled it as I did just because I keep getting angry at people so much curse words have even left my lips. So I really didn't need to make a scene so I am glad I didn't. I just hate it. I mean, yes I ordered a bacon cheeseburger but so do like a lot of your customers so why do you need to look me like I am overeating. But I am happy that I know that the world is not like that. That I have friends that don't judge me on my weight. And I am appreciative of that. I think this is part of why I am so guarded with friends, so careful not to get hurt. To think that someone is your friend and that they don't care and then to find out later something said behind your back or while their so drunk they won't remember they told you how they really feel the next day. It's just frustrating. And I know, i know, why don't you just loose the weight. I wish was that easy, because somedays its just nothing I want to be.

I know I said I would be more positive. And generally I am, but sometimes life isn't all that positive and so I reflect that as well. So now I have about hour to get some more homework done before I head off to Awana's tonight.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

This and that

I always want to blog but I never have any time. And now that I have a little time I don't know what to blog about. Sometimes I think I should carry around a tape recorder so I can just say it when i feel it and then type it up later. But that would be totally weird. Though I would blog daily if I did that, though that may be way to much. 

I have come to love my tuesdays off as much as I used to love saturdays. I have Sundays, Tuesdays, and Wednesdays off. Sunday's I babysit all day so it never feels like a day off. Wednesday I have school in the morning and Awana's at my church at night. So Tuesday's have all day off. It is nice. The problem I have been having is I haven't been taking some of the time for homework. That was part of my original plan, having tue and wed off gives me the time I need to get my homework done. So the past couple weeks on thur nights after I get off work i stay up and do my homework. This just makes my friday's very long. So I made myself a list to do before bed on Wednesday. It is kind of nice because I don't seem to have any homework due on wednesdays; at least not at this point. 

So I went to my first Pampered Chef party this last weekend. I had only heard great things about them but that they were expensive. I don't really cook though. Sometime, but with my tiny kitchen it really deters me. So I went anyways and had lots of fun. I ordered a couple of items including a large pizza stone. I have been using some air sheets for pizza's and cookies and stuff but they are...actually I got them at my first job when I was 16 and worked at Lechters in PV mall. The store doesn't even exist anymore. So that was 10 years ago, about time I got a new cooking sheet. I was talking to a friend and told her I ordered one and she said she bought one once, used it once, her muffins stuck so she hasn't used it since. So that makes me a little nervous about using it. But I have a list of friends who use it regularly so I can always call them up if I have a problem. I ordered a couple other small things too, just small stuff. I am pretty excited.