Disclosure: This is me being whiny and negative. But I don't believe censoring myself just because I know people are reading this. This is how I feel right now in these moments and not blogging won't change that fact.
All I know is what I am doing isn't working. I try to be positive, I try to remember the callers at work aren't actually mad at me just their life. I try to remember God isn't going to give me more than I can handle. But all I feel is a rage growing inside of me. I don't get angry but in the past few months I have been. I don't like it and I don't want it. It is so the opposite of what I want to be.
In case I haven't mentioned it I work in a call center taking customer service calls for a cellular company. In the past month or so I have while on a call put them on mute and then making an emotional outburst that I wish I could say to the customer because they are making me so angry and they are being ridiculous but I would totally loose my job if I said. My co-workers all think it is pretty funny. But the last week I have even noticed that I have just gotten mad, and gotten mad a lot. I know I have a few more escalated calls because I said something in a bad tone and of course they don't have to take that, I wouldn't take it. The problem is its not like I mean to be mean I just don't seem to have a filter right now and my patients is very thin.
Yesterday I had to transfer a call to sup. This time it really wasn't something I said I just couldn't explain to the woman so she could understand. And think at any other time I would have been able to stop and figure out a better way but instead I just kept getting frustrated with her and then she with me. So then I had to transfer, and I hate transferring to a sup because it points out I didn't do my job. So I was a little, i'd say forceful with the sup, so then the sup wanted to know who my sup was which is never a good sign. After the call she actually came over to see if everything was alright and let me know I was lucky have a job right now and then pretty much I need to just get over my bad day. On its own not a big deal I got the point. But then in two different conversation with separate people I was I kind of told I am getting a little to angry too often. They said it polite ways and even joking around. But that they actually stopped to say it, that just drove home the point even more.
On April 16th I am eligable to move to a different department. And I do have to stay through the company through May 8th as I have to finish my classes or I will have to pay the company back (which would be almost $3500 for this semester.) So I keep holding on knowing my bills get paid I don't want to loose my home and they are paying for my school.
School. For the last 8 1/2 years I have attended colleges off and on. I have about 40 credits but have taken and failed so many classes I could have a bachelors degree by now. I have dropped out of school three times before. I think it is just the balancing work, school, and other all together. For some reason I can't seem to do. Which is a very scary thought because how will I be able to handle kids and work if I can't handle school and work? More on that some other time. But I decided I could do it this time. I was taking classes I wanted and I had the motivation of paying back my company. And I was actually going to classes when for years I have only done online classes. But again I can't seem to keep everything together. So I run around with no sleep and get my assignments done last minute because there is just no time. This week I was doing so much better I got about half the work done on tuesday and wednesday and then stayed up last night finishing everything. I also had a test today that i had made flash cards for and had been studying since tuesday.
So last night I spent an hour doing an assignment for english that was due today. Listed on the paper handed to us and in the syllabus it was due today. Then today in class he says, well I forgot to remind you so it will be due mon. Which is crazy because if I new it wasn't due till mon I would have spent an hour studying for my test or even sleeping. It wasn't fair, I guess half the class new it was due but decided not to do and then said they didn't realize it was due so he let it slide till mon. No, give me extra credit for having time. Brats!! Anyways I totally failed the test, I just know it. I had studied. It was just memorizing all this stuff my bib interp class. And then I get into class and I am looking at the paper and I can't think of anything, my mind went blank. There was one section I spent forever going over and over on and I think i came up with 2 out of the list of nine things. It was just so frustrating. And then half the test was observing a several verses. I felt like I couldn't find anything. They had to be there but for some reason I was again just blank. So now I failed this test and then last week in english I had turned in an essay and I totally got a D on it. I am no good at commas and colons and honestly I can't even point out the noun so pointing out the adjective clause followed by the noun is something I can't do either. And I know I have a list of people who are great at english and would be happy to proof read it including my sister in law who teaches high school english. But I would have to get the papers done early so I get it to them and I am lucky if I get them done on time for class.
I feel like this was a huge mistake. I shouldn't have gone back. If I go through all of the pain and strife and then I fail the classes anyways. I don't think I could handle it. It's not like I am not trying I just, I don't know what I am doing wrong or how to fix it. I just feel so hopeless right now and I don't understand why God would want me to live this way. And if He doesn't then what did I miss because here I am.
So knowing how angry I was at callers yesterday and the fact that I think sticking with it for school is pointless if I am just going to fail anyways I knew this was a bad combination. So I called in sick. Actually I hate doing that, I need to just work anyways just power through it, they pay me to work not just take days off. I even started driving to work and then pulled to the side of the road because everything in me was saying I shouldn't go in because with my current attitude. I would possibly do something stupid and get myself fired. And it was only my feeling of obligation not to let, i don't even know who, down by not showing up. So I called in, turned around and here I am. Sitting in the dark, telling people way too much information about myself, praying desperately that this is not what the rest of my life looks like.
I do think some of this is due to the fact that in a month I will turn 27 and for some reason 27 seems so very close to 30. And I am eternally single and totally sad every time I see all of my friends beautiful baby pictures. I want babies, I want to be a mother and right now I feel like that may never happen. Like, I know it will, it has too. But right now I can't see it and I question if I would actually be good at it with my messy house and disorganized life and lack of ability to juggle work and school. The idea seems so distant right now and when I pictured 27 this wasn't it; single living my three cats working at a dead end job that I despise. I thought God had more for me, how did I miss it?