About Me

Hi, my name is Angela and welcome to my blog. This is a place where I write about my life in an honest and open way.

I am 36 years old, single, and a Christian. God gave me a heart to work with children and so I spend my day teaching kindergarten. It is my fourth year teaching and although it is hard I love it. I currently go to a college for my BA in Elementary Education which keeps me busy. Between work and school there is not much time left but I enjoy serving and helping others, watching netflix, or reading a good book.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

No sleep

A personal rant.

I can't sleep at night. You know when the tv is off and the computer is put away and all I really want to do is sleep but instead my head is invaded with all of the thoughts I push away the rest of the day. Thoughts about how I hate every minute of every day I spend at my job. How I would rather do anything but go there again because it feels like it is trying steal my soul. I try to remind the company that they can't have my soul I gave it to someone else but no they don't care they still want it. And then I think about school and how much I just don't care. I can't go back next semester and I have already dropped out 3 times before so what's the point. Me and school just don't seem to work well together. And I am sure I am just going to fail anyways. I just can't help thinking about how stuck I am in life and I hate it. And I think well do something about but I am so stuck I don't know what to do. My schedule at work works so I can go to school in the mornings plus my company paid for school and I have to finish and pass it or pay them back the $3400. So if I left my job now I would have to pay them back plus probably drop out of school. But if I have to pay for it it is extra motivation to pass the classes. And then where will I go. My house so expensive I don't think there is any way I can make enough unless it is a job like this that I hate every second of. And if I could sell it and even just make back what I bought it for that would be great but I can't (stupid economy.) Plus if I did move out of here an apt is like expensive, I just want something basic just 1 bedroom maybe a studio but with utilities min would be like $600 which is kind of high if I am just going to get a minimum wage job. And then its like I am going backwards. My friends are all buying houses now and here I am taking a step back makes me feel like a looser. So all this just runs through my head. So then I don't want to go to bed because it's disturbing and then when i get to bed I can't sleep. And then I can't wake up in the morning because I didn't fall asleep until 4 or 5 in the morning. So I have missed 3 days of school and now 4 days of work and I am not doing well. I just want to be happy. It shouldn't be that hard but right now it feels impossible.

So now I am on the verge of loosing my current job, trying to find a new job, behind on all my school work, and trying to figure out if I should try to sell my home before just allowing it to go to foreclosure. And wondering if any of this will actually make me any less miserable or just more miserable. Though I am not sure how much worse it could get so it may be a safe gamble.

Monday, March 16, 2009

Small Faith

I wonder why faith is so hard. Why when I have seen God time and time again put me through these trials only for my better. And yet it is so hard to trust Him when I am in it. Faith can be so difficult even when you know that is what you need to put your trust in. It is this unconditional faith trusting that God knows what He is doing and all will work out to the good of those who trust Him. Making that more than just a line you remember and actually living it. In Matthew 17 the bible says that if we just had the faith of a mustard seed we could move mountains. How small is our faith and yet it is so difficult to trust that faith.

Sometimes I wish I had more faith. Or that in those times when life is so difficult it would be easier to trust that faith. I mean when things happen I go right to prayer but it is sticking with it after it feels like no answer is in sight that is most difficult. Or when you think you thought you knew the answer and now you are not so sure. How do you keep your faith when you think it was your faith that lead you in the wrong direction the first time. But I guess that is part of faith. Trusting that He will use my choices towards His good will.

Friday, March 13, 2009

Birthday 27 and counting

In case you couldn't tell I Love birthdays. I just do, I think they are awesome. I think, no matter your age, you should celebrate and enjoy your special day. Actually I prefer making it a week long celebration. I'm not sure when this started, must have been as I was older. I remember that I was always a brat as a kid wanting more than my parents could provide. Wish I could take it back, apologize to my mother for being such a jerk when she gave up so much so I could have the little that we had. ...Anyways, so I think it was as an adult. I mean how cool is it that 27 years ago on a couch in a trailer home in Payson I was born. In that moment God new everything; my life, my purpose, my everything all because He willed it to be. That is something to celebrate.

Nothing too exciting today though. Slept till 11 then went for breakfast. There is this place called First Watch just north of Glendale off from I-17 and I love it. After breakfast I headed over to Ulta, my sister works there. Need to get some new make-up. There is an Ulta closer to me but it isn't as cool as the one my sis is at so I drove out there. I figured I would just get to say hi to her but she didn't have a client when she got in so we were able to talk awhile. That was awesome. Found some cool new stuff to buy. Next up was Cold Stone, free ice cream on my birthday how can I pass that up. Went home for a couple hours and then off to Mylinda's. We got some Wendy's for dinner, which I love so it was perfect. Then it was to the Rascal Flatts concert. It was at the Cricket Pavillion so outdoors. I did not realize how cold it was going to get, I didn't bring a sweater thinking it wasn't that cold at night but that was a mistake. It was cold and then there was wind, freezing. Jessica Simpson opened the show. I have to start out by saying I liked her early stuff, watched her tv show, I even have a book about her wedding to Nick. But she was just bad; her voice was off and sometimes way out of key. She sang for like an hour and maybe one or two songs were ok. At one point she almost fell, which would have been sad. But one of the biggest things was her face while she sings. I don't know if she was trying to look sexy or was told to accentuate her facial moves but it looked bad. I know, mean, but totally true. Next up was Rascal Flatts and they were awesome. I don't actually know many of their songs which is weird since everyone else is singing every word. But they do great music and are really good at the interaction with the audience. So I may be a convert and will have to get some of their music on my ipod. It was pretty cool but kind of weird. The main singer Gary said hi to this ten year old girl. Apparently her mother mentioned she wrote her own song so Gary has her pulled onstage and she totally sang her song. Of course crazy nervous at first with the Gary right there and thousands of people watching her but once she started she was so natural with it. The song had two stanzas and a chorus and it was pretty good. She will never forget that experience.

The night was so much fun, four girls freezing at an awesome concert. I almost don't want my day to end, which may explain my blogging at three in the morning. Alright, not really. Got home around midnight and popped in a movie to watch. It has just taken me the entire movie to write this. I have tomorrow off too. I need to get some homework done before I go play. Probably have lunch with friends and then go watch a movie. I haven't decided which one though either Watchmen or Escape from Witch Mountain. Either should be good so I don't know. Oh, and the Olive Garden. I totally want some italian food. I know I have eaten a lot of the last couple days, but I do enjoy food so seems reasonable. And now I need to go figure out how to get rid of my hiccups and head to bed.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Free Ride

Let me first say yesterday was so exhausting. I wanted to post last night but my bed was just calling to me. I had stayed up way late(early) on monday night so I slept in on Tue, had some breakfast and then I was off. I had decided I would ride the train down to tempe. Right now it stops about 2 miles south of my house (soon will be about 100 feet from my door) so I drove down and parked. From christown mall to tempe it is about 45 min and a day pass on the train is $2.50. I buy my ticket and the rush to get on the train about to leave. The thing is nobody checks for your ticket. You don't have to slide it to get on and nobody walks around checking them. The same thing on my way home later that evening. If I ever ride again I almost don't want to pay seeing that really don't need to. I am actually curious how many people actually pay for this ride. I don't know why it bothers me so much. I guess how much we spent, are still spending on the train and knowing it is a free service. But I am too honest I would want to pay my part, it is the right thing to do.

Anyways, so I jumped on board the train and popped my earbuds in. It was kind of cool watching people and just relaxing for 45 min. I walked around mill ave and it is so sad down there. Everything is closed these days, and now Z gallery and Borders are both closed. It definitely isn't the same mill I remember. So i grabbed some Jack in the Box and then went to urban outfitters. Then I walked across the bridge, which was pretty cool looking over the lake and watching people on the beach. The concert was pretty awesome. I was just to right of stage standing in the 2nd row of people so really close. Made some friends around me which was cool, better than just standing there. It was so long though. They let us in at 6:30 and then first band was from 8 - 9 and then Adele from 9:30 - 10:30. And when I add the 30 min in line before hand 4 1/2 hours of standing was crazy.

Today was nice so far. Woke up to banging on my door, I had ordered something and fedex needed a signature. Went and got a fabulous pedicure, so relaxing. And then I headed down to Biltmore to the Cheesecake factory. I had some sliders, so amazing. Then I ordered this Godiva brownie sundae, this thing was so big. I'm pretty sure, after eating a meal, not even two people could have eaten it. Nevertheless, I took some Godiva brownie home for later, so delicious. I swear I have never had anything bad to eat at Cheesecake factory. Their food just amazing. I did a little walking around window shopping. Now I am home again. I get to watch my nephews for couple hours this evening. I was thinking of taking them to dinner but I am so full still I may just watch them eat. Then Awana's tonight which is always fun. So far a fabulous birthday week!

Sunday, March 8, 2009

A new shift

I waited two weeks to find out my schedule, and that was too long. It drove me crazy waiting and watching to see what would happen. I almost drove all the way to work (26 miles each way) just to see if I could get the schedule but after thinking about it I knew I wouldn't get to see it that day they probably wouldn't get to my number till fri. And the thur I was too sick to go to work so I called in. I don't know why I was so worried. All I could do was pick the schedules I wanted and put them in the order I wanted and wait and see. Well and lost of prayer of course. I went in on friday and I got a schedule of Sun Wed off working 2 - 11pm. At first I am a moment of fluster ran through me: I really wanted a 4X10 schedule. And then I realized this was my top pick after any of the 4X10 schedules so I really did get what I wanted. I am still kind of regretting the fact that I chose split days off but I had just got a call on Tue about needing extra help at Awana's, which Awana's was why I originally picked wed off so even better now that they need extra help. And now I not available really at all at nights because wed I am at awana's and then maybe on Sun nights but I babysit till (possibly) seven so that takes most of the night. But when I choose my days babysitting and Awana's is what I want to fill them with so it is worth it. Oh, plus now that I start after 2pm I get a shift differential which I hear comes out to about $100 a check. Which, I don't think I talk to much about money here, but it is really a good thing. I can really use the money just so I can get my bills paid every month. They have a shift differential on sundays of 35% but it just isn't worth the money to work on sunday. Money doesn't trump God or my sister (babysitting). So it could have been better but I am pretty happy with what I have. I am a little worried that I will get burned out with everything but prayer, prayer, prayer.

So this week is my spring break from school, and my birthday week. So I have tue through fri all off. My amazing friend Mylinda is taking me to a Rascal Flatts concert. Jessica Simpson is also headlining and I am not sure about that but eh, it will be fabulous. And then Adele who singings Chasing Pavements is also playing this week. So I think on Tue night I am going to go to that concert. She is from England and her opening band, The Script, is also from England. I looked up and they were pretty cool too. So that's exciting. Not exactly sure what else. A pedicure, catch a movie (I can't even remember the last one I watched), just relax but not stay cooped in the house all day for four days.

I was thinking about how I had been thinking of traveling this week. So I loooked up the weather in San Diego highs of 60 degrees all week, then I looked up Seattle highs of 50 degrees all week, Chicago highs of 40 degrees all week. And here in my lovely Phoenix, AZ highs of 80 degrees all week! Ah wonderful AZ. I was thinking of driving up to Pine to see my dad but it is usually so exhausting to drive for so long I am not sure I want to do that. Oh and I have never taken this car up there and I need new tires so probably not a good idea. I will have to try it sometime though, can't actually stay away forever scared my car will fall apart. Especially since I drive 75 mph all the time anyways so the difference will be the hills, shouldn't be too big of a deal.

I have never had a problem with my age until this year. I have never cared, feel free to ask me my age whatever. But I keep thinking about 27, it just feels so close to 30. And I try to tell myself its just another age and most of me knows that. But I don't know maybe its because I am going to school with a bunch of 18 and 19 years old but I feel so old. I know some people who read this are older than me but then you probably understand then. So I am still really excited about birthday like I am every year, this year I just say my age a little less. :)