About Me

Hi, my name is Angela and welcome to my blog. This is a place where I write about my life in an honest and open way.

I am 34 years old, single, and a Christian. God gave me a heart to work with children and so I spend my day teaching kindergarten. It is my fourth year teaching and although it is hard I love it. I currently go to a college for my BA in Elementary Education which keeps me busy. Between work and school there is not much time left but I enjoy serving and helping others, watching netflix, or reading a good book.


Monday, September 26, 2011

Stuck

It feels like my frustrations keep growing. As I try to figure out what all is going on in my head I realize more and more the things I have been ignoring. Like my finances. For months I have been avoiding my finances I even went to see my sister ignoring what i knew I shouldn't ignore. Tonight, since I was feeling depressed anyways, I did my finances. I don't make enough money to pay my bills. Which is why every month I come up short. There was a time I was doing ok but a few hours here got cut and then a few hours over got cut. And I used to not mind not making a lot of money because I was so happy with what I was doing I didn't mind. But honestly that is just not the case anymore. I have found myself more and more frustrated all the time. And I try to ignore it, I try to play it off or try to be positive but the truth is I just don't care anymore.

I just want to pay off my debt and be done with it. I want to pay back my dad and not worry if I will be able to pay all of my bills each month. But I still want to live to please God. And I still want to be happy. Happy is hard and so very fleeting. I have been looking at other jobs and I realize I do not want to sacrifice my Sunday mornings. I feel like I made a commitment and I enjoy helping at my church. So then I have to try to find a job that will be flexible enough not to make me work on Sunday's. And do I want to go back to an office or work with kids still. I almost want to stop working with kids because it just reminds me that I might not have my own. But I can't deny that working with kids is a gift God gave me. So then do I look into nanning full time or working at a day care center. And then I have to think about the interview process and the pain of reminding myself how I have no education. I don't know what I am supposed to do. I feel like what I am doing right now is not what I want but I don't know where I should be instead. But I don't want to stay just because it is the easy thing. Though staying in jobs you don't like is not actually easy. I am so very confused!! It is another one of those times I wish God would just show me what i should do and the path I should follow. It again makes me want to cry but of course that is not helpful.

So I am just confused all over. It is like this mid-life crisis or something. Wish my life was different and wanting a different job and I don't know what to do with myself. Plus I am now eating different too. So much stress. I don't like it very much. But I know, nobody does. I mean I knew I couldn't work at a part time job forever, it just wasn't practical. But I every time people asked me about it I would just push it away, that it was something I would have to worry about some other time. So I guess my time is up. Time to face reality. Bleh, reality!

Anyways, I will keep you updated.

Sunday, September 25, 2011

Feeling Emotional

Let's see where to start. I guess with this week's weight loss! This week I am down 3 lbs to 267!! Yea!! I was looking at my past weight history. I haven't been down to 265 since my birthday in March, so awesome! Today was so very tricky. Today was my church's 27th Anniversary and so they had a picnic lunch. I helped volunteer and we had barbeque chicken and pork, pasta salad, coleslaw, chips, and brownies. The meat wasn't hard to not eat but man did I want those soft delicious brownies. Actually last night I went to help for a little while. They had been cooking the pork all day and the smell of it filled the entire gym. Most people thought it smelled great but honestly I was a little sickened by the smell. I had no interest in eating what I was smelling. I was able to help with the meat because I don't care if other people eat it.

I am still trying to learn how to balance calories. I am also learning to remember to eat my leftovers. I am so bad about leftovers always forgetting to eat them and then having to throw them away. But this week I have been pretty good about getting to them before it was too late. One day I almost ate way too many calories before 3pm but luckily caught myself before I finished eating. Did I mention that I use an ipod app called Lose It to track my calories. So i was in the middle of eating some burrito's and was entering them into my app and realized, whoops too many. But it is ok I figure. Some days I am up and some days I am down. Yesterday i went over because I had a lot of carbs in the morning but then at night I went over with an apple and a banana because I was hungry. But I was down almost every day this week so it averages, right? It must seeing that I was down for the week. I did find it handy to have my weigh in after the lunch at church today because it definitely helped keep me from eating those brownies. Can you tell the brownies are still on my mind? That is alright I went to Fry's and got some vegan cookies to eat instead.

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Ok, now on a totally different note. I am feeling so out of place right now. Being single and 29 totally sucks. Who am I supposed to relate to. Single people, right? Well single christians are all in college and other single people just go out to drink which I don't do. So then the christians that are my age all are married and most have kids and although I work with kids and love kids it just isn't the same. And it's not like I am choosing not get married, like I am choosing to not have kids. This isn't a choice. So why.... Sorry. I try to ignore my loneliness but sometimes it is hard. Like at the picnic today at church. I had planned, instead of helping, to participate and eat with friends. But then I realized I don't have friends to sit and eat with. I have been going to this church since January and I love it and learn, grow, and serve. But I am still me and I still have problems making and keeping friends. Sometimes I wish I was just normal. That I could be like all those other people with friends that hang out and have fun together and yet instead it is just me.I didn't mean to get so depressing, and maybe part of it is because I was watching a depressing movie while I type this. But this is my truth even if it sucks.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Everyday is a challenge

My brother said to me "you sure do eat a lot of pancakes." And it is true. Lately I have been having pancakes nearly everyday for one of my meals. It isn't hard to figure out why, because they are sweet. Whether I am using my vegan chocolate chip mix or just the regular vegan whole grain mix that I add syrup too I am getting something sweet to eat. I miss eating sugar! I tried to by cookies but I literally could not stop myself from eating the entire box which is over 1000 calories and just not ok. So I don't by them anymore. So pancakes have become my outlet. I know this isn't going to work long term so I started thinking about it. One thing is I haven't gone to a grocery store in nearly two weeks which means I have no fresh fruits or veg in my house. But I should be eating more of this, in fact every single day I should have at least 1 piece of fruit and one serving of veg but I haven't been getting that lately. So tonight I went to the store and bought a few things including apples, a pair, banana's, and strawberries to help sweeten my life. The other thing is that I can still eat soy yogurt. So I am thinking that in the evening's a serving of soy yogurt maybe with some almonds or granola would satisfy my sweet tooth.

The problem is that I keep wanting horrible things. I literally sit around distracting myself until it is too late to go out and get that sweet thing I want. And before you say "what about moderation" I will point you back to the cookies, I can't do it! I don't have the will power right now! I bought a bag of mini cruellers, I ate the whole thing in one sitting. I stopped at QT for 1 donut, I left with three and ate then in less than 20 minutes. So for the last two hours I have wanted to go to Fry's under the idea that I was buying flavored carbonated water but really going to buy some ice cream or chocolate or donuts. But I can't hide from myself, I can't trick myself. So I pull out all my lazy skills and ways of procrastinating until it is too late to go and get anything.

One thing that does help is the scale. Officially I use my brothers Wii Fit to weigh in but I have a scale I keep in my room that is a little less accurate but can help motivate in a pinch. September 1st I weight in at 279. At the end of the 6 day detox I was down to 270. In the following week I gained back 4 lbs taking me back up to 274. But this sunday I dropped the 4 lbs again and am at 270 again. Which means that over the last two weeks monitoring my calorie intake and eating vegan and more naturally is really working. Now the scale in my room says instead of 270 it says 277. I go to step on the scale this evening and it says I am down to 274. Now I know it isn't completely accurate and I know that it is a different time of day which also effects it. But knowing that being halfway through the week and I may be down a little is totally motivating to help me keep up with what I am doing and not sneak out for donuts. (By the way I have had a cold this week and didn't feel like eating so I was way under my daily calories so far this week.)

I will be honest I have not been perfect. I sometimes have something with a little dairy in it. On Friday I was awful and ate non-vegan all day including In-and-Out for dinner. I went 2000 calories over my daily limit so the next day I worked out hard and was under my calories because I knew the day before was a mistake. I got sick Sunday night and took Monday off work. Tuesday I had bought a salad for lunch at work but by the time I got to it, it looked gross so I ended up at Taco Bell having a Beef Grilled Stuff Burrito. I had planned to get something vegan when I went but then caved too scared to ask for modifications. So stupid of me!

Someone asked me, today actually, if I feel different after eating non-vegan. But the answer is no. I haven't been vegan long enough for my body to get upset when I give it meat again. But of course the longer I go with out meat the more careful I will have to be.

I have not been working out, except last sat. I know I really need to exercise it is so good for the body. My cold is mostly gone and is all above the neck so I think tomorrow I will pull out my step machine to use while watching all the new fall shows.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Something for me

This morning when I woke up I knew I had a full day. I would leave at 7 am and not get home till after 9:30 pm. I am not usually away from home so long. This morning when getting ready I knew I wanted to wear a dress or skirt but wasn't sure exactly what. I quickly picked a long maxi dress, it is all black besides some embroidery just below the bust line. I did not want to go sleeveless today but the v-neck neck undershirt I usually wear with it was no where to be found so I ended up with a high collar. Even as I walked around the house it felt uncomfortable. I just didn't want to wear it but didn't have time to go do a wardrobe change. So this is how I left my house.

My hair was in a ponytail, I had forgotten to put earrings in and felt way too covered up (and if you know me I am very modest so this is weird.)

First thing this morning was going to Phoenix Children's Hospital to pick up the kid I nanny (he had an early Dr appointment) and then take him to school. Everywhere I went I felt uncomfortable in what I was wearing and just wanted to not be seen. Up next was church. At my church a woman's group meets Wednesday morning from 9 am to 11:30 am. We sing praise songs, we listen to the woman's director, and then go to small groups. I love it! I hate it when I miss it. This morning because of the Dr. appointment I was already going to be late but I couldn't get myself to drive there. Instead I ended up at Target. At least once before, and really what girl hasn't, gone to the store to get something new to wear instead of what they have. Once before my same Wednesday morning group I realized that my undershirt was not covering all of my bra, and again I am very modest about such things, so I went and got a new one and changed when I got to church. So I thought no big deal I will go in and find a new shirt to wear underneath and be on my way. I ended up taking 5 things into the dressing room; 2 shirts to try under my dress and then a skirt with two blouses that would work with it. Although one of the blouses was really cute I put it back and got the shirt that would work with my dress and put everything else back that didn't work. Then on the way to the check out I walked through the accessory area, which is so conveniently places on the way, and found some earrings that perfectly matched my shirt. I made my purchase and I was on my way.

I pulled out of the parking lot and drove toward the freeway, still not wanting to go to church this morning. I always want to go, "I really enjoy it" I reminded myself as I got on the freeway. But I found myself getting off at the next turn off. I didn't want go. I used the excuse that now I would be and hour late and I always have to leave a half hour early so what was the point. And then I started using that I was hungry so I couldn't go, which is silly since they serve food lots of food there including fruits and veg that I could eat on my vegan plan. My lame excuses weren't fooling me but I just wasn't feeling it. I was craving a donut but how would I find a vegan donut so I pulled into the Whole Foods plaza thinking I am sure I can find something there. Knowing I still had nearly 2 hours till I had to be to work the idea of a pedicure kept coming in my mind but I kept pushing it away knowing that I had already spent money on myself today. Next to the Whole Foods is a Beauty Brand. There was a parking spot right there so I parked and decided to look around. And next thing I know I am having my hair cut.

Now let me give you some back story incase you don't remember. My sister is a hairstylist and she has been for the last 18 years. I have always gotten my hair done by her. In fact the one time I was mad at her and went to a Great Clips I was very sorry later. Since my sister moved I have been putting off having my hair cut even though I have really wanted to have it done. I always have one excuse or another not to go. I once even made an appointment somewhere and then cancelled when I was offered extra nanning hours. So when I went in to Beauty Brands a hair cut was not really on my list. I knew they cut hair and that they offered other services so I did stop to look at the prices of a manicure or pedicure and couldn't help glance at the prices. They weren't too bad; $25 for a stylist and $35 for a senior stylist, but I brushed off the idea and kept looking around. I was still mulling on the idea when the sales rep asked if I needed help so I asked if there was a hair dresser available and there was. So I sat down and had my hair cut.

It was kind of weird because my sister always just did my hair. I gave her some direction but she knows me and she knows my hair so she figured it out. The woman, Cindy Senior Stylist, asked me lots of questions about what I did with my hair and what products I used and on and on. Plus I am not good at small chat and she kept trying to get me to talk but sitting silent is fine with me. With my sister of course there is plenty to talk about because she is my sister but with a stranger that doesn't really care about me why am I going to pour out all the details of my life. So it was mostly awkward and then she took forever making my hair perfectly straight. It was crazy how long it took. And then because she took so long although we had discussed the fact that I wanted my hair blown dry before I left and that it was included she tried to send me away without drying it. I am sorry it took you an hour to cut my hair but that is your fault, I asked for the easiest cut like ever. Seriously 4 inches off all around around my head even, oh and my hair is curly so it is never going to look perfectly straight anyways. So I made her blow dry it anyways, it is included and I hate leaving a salon looking like a wet puppy dog. I am not sure if I will go back or not, that is yet to be determined. So below was my new look.

I know totally hot, right? I was now a little sad I wasn't showing off my hotness to anyone important. :)

Afterwards I did feel a lot more confident and comfortable in my skin. I went to Whole Foods, grabbed something to eat and then headed to work. I kind of feel like maybe God was keeping me from church. I mean it could have been satan but usually I can overcome the excuses he gives me. Today it was something more. I don't know maybe I just needed some mid-week pampering. Either way I have made it through my day a bit happier then when I started.

Monday, September 12, 2011

Mid - September Reflections

Being vegan has been been very two sided. On one hand the food is good and it is filling and I am still getting lots of protein and their are lots of options available. Some days, some moments it feels effortless; I wonder why it has taken me so long to eat like this and I feel like I could eat like this forever. But on the other side, maybe 15% of me, hates it. I still have major cravings usually at night for things. It isn't usually too specific often just for something sweet. I have been having things like pita chips and hummas or tortilla chips and salsa as my late night snack. But my brain is used to eating something sweet and it is very hard to change. I seem to have found a way to appease it by having a slice of toast with peanut butter and honey and that works. The other problem, which is totally embarrassing, but I have had lots of stinky gas the last few days. It is totally gross! I am honestly worried about going to work tomorrow. I read up on it and it is totally natural because your body has to work harder to process the less processed food and that can create gas. All I know is tomorrow I am going to the store and buying gas-x or something to stop this. I have had broccoli the last two days and I have noticed it has gotten worse after eating broccoli and after watching years of tv I have seen my share of Beano commercials to know that gas after fiber is normal.

Overall the benefits still out way the negatives but in those moments when i just want to run to the store to buy real ice cream or grab a burger it is hard. Actually it has been less burgers and more a craving for Arby's. I still feel like I am thinking a little clearer but I don't know if that is the lack of caffeine or the diet that is causing it. I do want to stay committed to eating vegan through the month of September. I figure 1 month is not a long time to try this. I have also been frustrated that I am not magically loosing weight and I try to remind myself it doesn't work that way. I have noticed that is much easier to stay under my calorie count for the day eating this way then when I was eating junk. I have no other reason to attribute to this except that the natural food is more filling then processed food with the same calorie count.

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On a different note besides just food I have had some more free time. I had decided to cancel my Netflix instant option and with the end of the summer seasons I have run out of shows to watch on Hulu. This has allowed me time to go through the 14 books form the library and I am taking back 9 of them tomorrow. What I also remembered was the list of things I wanted to do this year. I went and reviewed my list and I have done a few, are in the process of doing another, and making plans to do the rest. I know that is so very general but I will write more about it soon.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Set Backs and Successes

Yesterday went well until I was in the middle of my Wed night class. I wanted ice cream. In fact the craving was specific, I wanted a Snickers ice cream bar. I would love one or half a dozen of those. Then of course it translated to any ice cream. But I reminded myself of why I don't want to eat ice cream, it is addictive. Then I remembered that I have milk and cookies at home that I can eat. I was fine and then I ate way too many. I had 4 cookies which was a little too much but still within my calorie limit. Then I ate four more which was way to much. I felt sick after eating them because it was just too much food.

So a new day a new start. For breakfast I started with some cereal, I had bought some Whole Foods brand Protein & Fiber Crunch. It wasn't bad at all. I followed it up with an apple. One dilemma with fruit is that I can't just bite into it because I never got adult teeth in my front lower position, I still have baby teeth in that spot. Anyways I just say this because it means I have to cut up my apple. Now this is embarrassing but honest, eating apple caused my gums to bleed. I am so used to eating processed foods that are soft and chewy that my mouth isn't used to hard foods. I immediately had to go floss and brush. Hopefully it won't take long to get past this.

For lunch I had packed a crunchy peanut butter and grape preserve sandwich on locally made whole wheat bread, 1 oz of almonds, and a fruitables juice box. It was good. The challenge though was the food around me. There was pizza from Costco right in front of me, it smelled so delicious. But I got passed I was strong. Then I go into the lounge to eat my lunch and read a book and there were cupcakes in there. I used to eat two or three when they were available and it was hard to not eat them. I again reminded myself that there is no nutrition in the cupcakes and so I stayed away. When I got home I decided to try the frozen pizza I had bought. It was a Tofurky supreme pizza. It uses a soy cheese from Diaya and the meat is made of Tofu, it also has lots of vegetables including zucchini. I hate zucchini!


But I decided to try it and it was great! It was a thin crust and it tasted really good, I was very surprised. I still have a few calories left and I have no cookies left I think maybe some chips and salsa for dessert. Kind of a weird dessert but a new way of thinking.

So far so good. I am so proud of myself for what I have already overcome.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Kaeng Raeng Review and on to New Adventures

Overall I am really glad I did Kaeng Raeng. I did the six day beginner program and went from eating total junk to this. My beginning weight was 279.5 my ending number is 270.2 so nearly a 10 lb loss in 6 days. Currently I am still retaining, and have been since day 3, lots of water and am up a pants size due to this. During the process I went #2 a lot which lets me know that hopefully this was actual fat that I was loosing and not just water weight. I know that some of the weight will come back on but hopefully not too much of it. Though I did not do this for just weight loss I did this to help detox my body before I switched to a vegan lifestyle. So on that side of it I feel great. My thoughts seem clearer, besides having to get up to pee a lot I am sleeping much better. I even noticed more energy and will power to do household chores. I have suffered depression all my life, most symptoms are regulated by medication but I still deal with some on my day to day life. Well I think some of those have subsided as well. I like how I am feeling. I would do this detox again but only 3 days, I think 6 days is too many. I also wouldn't do it for many months because I am done with blended drinks for a little while.

As I mentioned before I did this detox as a transition to eating vegan. It is a very healthy way to eat and so I want to give it a try. I am not peta member fighting animal cruelty but I think that our meat and dairy is filled with antibotics and hormones and other things that my body does not need to have. But really it is about not eating processed foods and eating more natural foods. Yes, I could eat vegan cookies and cakes all day but that is not my plan. I don't even plan to have a twinkie which is also vegan. I want to eat more fruits, more veg, more grains, more beans. I even bought a couple frozen meals with tofu in them to try before I try to cook it on my own. But there are just so many options. Soups, chili, burrito's, taco's (with soy meat,) chips with hummus or salsa. All kids of salad variations. It was actually hard to stop and remind myself that I can't try everything the first week and to wait to buy stuff in the future. It took my an hour and fifteen minutes to red labels and find what I wanted yesterday at whole foods. I decided to start at whole foods just to see what they had and compare prices. I work right next to the fancy signature marketplace Fry's and they have a great selection of foods and they actually put stuff on sale so I will most likely find myself there or even at Fresh & Easy for fresh produce. I know that I will struggle with veg as I always have. Even yesterday I only came home with 1 head of broccoli, I can do better.

Today I started my day with two slices toast with chunky peanut butter and a banana. For lunch I went to Chipotle and got soft taco's with rice, beans, tomatoes, and salsa. I should have gotten some guacamole too but it is just so new to me I have to get used to ordering it. I have church tonight so for dinner I am going to do a quick stop at Paradise Bakery. It is not totally vegan but I am going to order their southwest chicken caesar salad and get it with no chicken or cheese. Their is still some dairy in the dressing but I am just going to do it anyways. I have grown up eating ranch and I don't like other dressings. At whole foods I found a ranch with no dairy but I think sometimes this is going to happen. A little dairy isn't going to ruin everything plus I know that I plan on trying new dressings to help me learn to like other options.

The rest of the week should be a little easier because I will just pack a lunch and can go home for dinner. Wednesday's are hard because I have church in the morning, work all day and then church in the evening. But I will figure it out.

Monday, September 5, 2011

Day 5 - Evening Post

I am so tired of this. I do not want to do it anymore. I was already craving all kinds of food. Just wanting to eat real food when my roommates, my brother and sil, started cooking dinner. It was quite a struggle but I decided not to actually quit but instead have a salad. This is totally ok you can have raw veg and fruits no problem. So I went to fresh and easy and got some supplies and made a salad. I chose a dressing and it turned out not so good. I still ate the salad but it could have been better.

So now I am sitting down eating but I really don't want to be, a KR red. I will only have two smoothies today because I had the salad as well. I really want to quit. I tell myself it is because I am feeling so much better. Which is true and my head feels much clearer. But I want to stick it out. Now I am going to have two extra one orange and one blue if anyone wants try for a day I would share. I don't know how much benefit for one day you would get but then you could at least try them. Otherwise I will use them myself eventually. If I did this again it would only be for 3 days and not six. Six seems like it is too many.

For now I am going to make a shopping list of things to start eating wednesday when I start eating vegan. I want to add new foods in and some foods I am used to.

Day 5 of Kaeng Raeng Detox

I didn't post yesterday but I will try not to make this too long.

On Day 3, saturday evening, I had tried to make my KR blue taste better by mixing it with blueberries, banana, and soy milk. But I was running late to babysit and so I put in way to much milk. So then when I tried to drink it, it tasted better but it was very think more like a milk shake and less like a drink. It was very hard to get through just cause it was so thick. And then I realized that of course it has a million calories in it because of all of the milk. So I won't do that again.

Day 4 went ok. I had to be to church at 8 am so I brought my morning KR orange with me and drank half on the way and the other half at 9:30 am. I went home and had KR red around 1 pm it was great like normal mixing it with strawberries and orange juice. But then I started getting really hungry around 4pm which was way to early. I managed to hold off till 5:30 to make the KR blue. It was better because I only did 1 cup milk and added 1/2 cup POM, 1 banana, and lots of ice. So it was thinner, it is still not my favorite but it was better now. I drank it so fast, I was so hungry. Really the problem was I was getting cranky because I just wanted to eat I didn't want to make a stupid smoothie. So I don't know why I was so thrown off maybe it was waking up so early. After drinking the KR blue I was fine. I did go out and hang out with my friend all evening so that was kind of a distraction.

An interesting thing I realized about myself, ok I kind of new it already, is my late night snacking. When I go out somewhere babysitting, to a friends, whatever 9 times out of 10 I stop and get something to eat on the way home. After babysitting it is usually ice cream or donuts from convenience stores and after hanging out with friends fast food places.So the last two nights I had to deal with this. After babysitting it wasn't too hard because it is all freeway home. But after coming friends house I take different freeways and end up passing by 2 Mcdonald's, Taco Bell, and a Jack N the Box plus a McDonald's bill board that made me want it even more. I did make it home without stopping and I was so proud of myself. I began to wonder if maybe being in those social situations, that can be stressful for me, even with my best friend, I use eating out as a reward. A good job, you did so well, a way to allow those soothing rush of endorphins or whatever into my body to help me relax.

I didn't get to bed till late, like midnight maybe 12:30. Last night I felt like maybe I didn't need to detox anymore. I am feeling good, my skin is clearing up, it is not hard, besides blue, to drink them. My insides have been calming down a bit and I have been doing great with cravings both from my cabinets and from outside sources. In fact I even felt that way this morning. Why not just keep the 2 days worth and do in a month or something. I decided not to, it is just two more days. But honestly even now I feel like it did what it needed to and I am good now to move on to the next step.

This morning I didn't wake up until 11 am. Still unsure of what I was going to do I drank 24 oz of water before eating anything. I then, with the prod from my sister in law I went and mixed my first drink, KR blue. I wonder if that was part of my hesitance knowing I was drinking that one first. Though on the flip side I actually forgot to but a KR orange in one day or maybe it was extra but I think I forgot it and so tomorrow if I really don't want to I can just have two KR orange and one KR red. I know that the blueberries provide an amazing antioxidant and so I should really still do all three but it is so gross. I don't know I will decide tomorrow. I have decided that tomorrow instead of trying to mix while at work, I have a two hour break M-Th so I will just come home and blend. I usually don't come home because it is a 15 min drive each way and the cost of gas just isn't worth it but I think this time it is for a drink that will taste great.

Because I ate so late I have no idea when I will be hungry again. Hopefully not too late. I don't want to drink the third one too close to sleeping. I will let you know tomorrow.

Saturday, September 3, 2011

Day 3 - Mid Day Post

Last night after work I felt awful! I got home and I just felt completely lethargic. I made my dinner drink and tried to drink it but I just felt so tired i just laid down for at least half hour without moving. Over the next two hours I continued to feel lethargic and then started feeling cramps. I checked the Kaeng Raeng web site and they say if you feel lethargic then you are not drinking enough water so I started downing lots of water. After several hours of just laying on the couch I did start to feel somewhat better and managed to finish my dinner drink. I did sleep nearly 10 hours but I was very restless for the first half of the night.

Last night before bed I did some reading. Feeling so bad I was very tempted to quit and so tried to find some reviews. I found several others who had done Kaeng Raeng, some had done the 3 day and others the 6 day. None complained of side effects, in fact most specifically said they had no side effects. Though all the reviews I found were people who were already at least vegetarian but several were vegan. I on the other hand have eaten all kinds of junk. In fact the last week of August I ate a few things to kind of say good bye to them. I didn't go overboard and mixed in good meals as well but the point is I am full of toxins. For a little while I thought well I will just stop at the end of 3 days and do the other 3 days in a month. But I really feel like all six days is right. I don't work for days 3, 4, or 5 and I think I will feel better by day 6 when I have to go back to work. I have to babysit tonight and then church tomorrow but otherwise I can stay home and not feel good while I clean out my body of the toxins I have been feeding it.

Last night while I was trying to fall asleep, something that was very difficult. I asked God "How can I keep drinking something that makes me feel so awful?" and I can't help but laugh because I put the toxins in my body every time I binged on food I knew I shouldn't be eating.

***

This morning I woke determined to finish all six days. On one of the blogs I read the girl was very creative with the smoothies she made. So I took some tips from her and some ideas from the recipes. So this morning I started with the KR red I added 2 cups orange juice, a cup and a half vanilla soy milk, 1/2 cup ice and 1 banana. It was delicious like a creamsicle! That was easy to drink.

I have to babysit tonight so I decided will pre make my drink in a blender and then take it and just drink it after the girl I am watching goes to bed. So I decided to have a late lunch so I won't get hungry too early. For lunch I had KR orange I mixed it with 2 cups pineapple juice, 1 cup orange juice, 1/2 cup of ice and 1 banana. It was really good, not as good as breakfast but I think that is because my vanilla soy milk is very sweetened.

For dinner the plan for the KR blue is to mix 2 cups milk with 1/2 cup blueberries and a banana. Hopefully that make it taste better. I did find during the reviews nobody likes the blue. One person thinks it is because the dehydrated blueberries create chunks plus the blackberries have little tiny seeds that make it a different texture. And thinking about it that makes sense.

I have to go babysit in an hour but really I just want to sit on my couch all night. I am not feeling as bad as yesterday but yesterday I worked for 6 1/2 hours straight, on my feet nearly the entire time. Today I did get some laundry and light cleaning done but nothing in comparison to work yesterday. Anyways, got to pay the bills. Plus it shouldn't be too hard.

Friday, September 2, 2011

Day 2 - Mid Day Post

I am in the middle of work right now but it is pretty slow (all the kids are watching Toy Story.) Today for lunch, as I mentioned before, I had the Kaeng Raeng blue. Today I used my Blender cup with a mini whisk in it. That worked great for mixing everything together. I think there may have been like two or three little lumps in it. But today I had the hardest time drinking it. I think there are two reasons why I am struggling so much today.


1. I don't think the flavors work well together. The blueberry flavor of the powder and the POM. I think that it just doesn't work for me. This weekend I will try it with the options and see how it goes.


2. I also think that I have reached the hard part. There are cookies in the lounge and Haagen Daiz ice cream in the freezer and a hamburger or a burrito sound really good right now. I am not really craving sugar necessarily just something different.


Honestly it is really hard. I just wanted to stop drinking it, pour it down the drain and it anything else. I wanted to quit and it would be so easy because there are plenty of foods around. It isn't that I am hungry, that is not a problem at all. I catch myself thinking how there is no point to this. I don't really see a difference. But I think that this is part of the deal. My body wants to keep eating meat and keep eating processed foods and I need to tell it no. This six days are going to help me say no to the cravings and make some of the cravings go away.


My slight headache did continue the rest of the morning but I am feeling better now. I do think it has to do with the caffeine withdrawal and I am really really thankful that it is not worse.

I also just noticed that I did not post about what I drank this morning. This morning I had KR orange again but this time I mixed it with the 24 oz water, 8 oz pineapple juice, and 1/2 cup of ice. This was ok but it was very thin, it needed something more. I think if I try it again I will add half a banana instead of the 1/2 cup ice. Or maybe even some orange juice would help. Otherwise this morning's drink went fine, unlike lunch.

Day 2 - Morning Post

I feel so tired this morning and totally shouldn't. I slept 12 hours last night! I know that sometimes when you sleep that long you can feel tired when you first wake up so I am hoping it is just that. I woke up 4 times to go pee. Actually I was waking up every two hours after I went to sleep but after the first three times that stopped. And then this morning at 8am I woke up, I probably could have stayed up but I still felt sleepy so I laid down and slept for another hour and a half.

So far my Kaeng Raeng detox is still going well. Last night I had KR orange called Glai Roong or Daybreak it has Mango, Peach, and Pineapple.) I was home again so I was able to use my blender I mixed 24 oz water, 8 oz orange juice, and it called for half a banana but I just stuck a whole one in. It tasted great mostly like banana and orange. I noticed that drinking casually while watching a movie last night it took about an hour to drink it. It was still cold at that point. Oh, I did have ice as part of my 24 oz water to help make it colder. Last night I wasn't hungry at all before bed though as the night got later I started to crave carbs. Nothing specific just any kind of carb. I didn't want to tempt myself and I was feeling tired anyways so I went to bed earlier then I have in a long time at about 9 - 9:30. This morning I woke up with a slight headache. I was thinking at first it was the detox but I realize that yesterday was my first day without any caffeine so if I was going to get a caffeine headache it would be today. Right now it is not bad, something I can easily handle. Hopefully it just won't get much worse. I am going to bring pain reliever to work with me in case I need it.

As a follow up yesterday afternoon I could not finish my KR blue right away. I felt so full I could make myself drink it. It is weird because there have been so many times before in my life where I have felt full and I just pushed past it and kept eating but this time I couldn't. This is a good thing! I need to listen to my body. According to the site you can just keep the remainder in the fridge till you are ready for it so that is what I did. About an hour later I got it out and finished it up no problem. I wasn't starving before my dinner like I was for lunch but I was a little hungry. I didn't want to push dinner back to late so I ate it at 6:30. My current plan is to eat when I wake up, 1:30, and 6:30 and then bed by 10:30.

My brother had read my blog and saw my dilemma about mixing the powder and this morning reminded me how I have a bottle I got for protein shakes that has a little ball that works like a whisk in it. I had totally forgotten about that! It was like a weight off my shoulders because last night I remembered I don't get a break on Friday's so I wasn't sure how I was going to find time to play with my Magic Bullet. So I will take my Blender Bottle with me and that should help so I won't have all of the chunks of powder like yesterday.

Well I have to go get ready for work. I am going over to a friends house tonight so hopefully blending won't be a problem there. I will update again soon.

Thursday, September 1, 2011

Day 1 - Mid Day Post

Today I feel in need of a mid day post. I am sitting at work in the teachers lounge and there is food in here. Little wraps, chips, and lots of cookies. Oh such delicious cookies. They also have a veg tray. It makes me think about how I was and how I wish I would be. See I look at the items and the veg tray is just dismissed. But I wish that it wasn't that way. I wish that I would go to that first. Fresh veggies to eat, great! I have seen many teachers here just take half a cookie, have a cup cake, a sliver of cake. I don't know how they do it, the eating in moderation. It is hard, I know it is hard and I wish I did it better. This morning I woke up and made my first KR smoothie. I started with what I call red. It is actually called Reunn or Joyful and has a flavoring of strawberry, raspberry, and pineapple. There are many things you can mix it with but today I started with 24 oz water, 8 oz orange juice, and 1 banana, this makes a very full blender. The taste wasn't bad, it was mostly strawberries and banana. Drinking it was a little grainy and I could taste that I was drinking more than just juice. But I drank all of it easy. About a half hour later I thought I was feeling hungry but that didn't make sense since many people including the facts on the site say it is very filling. I know that I have been at over 3000 calories a day so I am sure this will be a drop but I shouldn't be hungry so fast. I decided to stop and listen to my body better. So I checked the time, a had plenty before work, and so I laid down on my bed and prayed and just laid their quietly listening to my body. I realized that although the feeling was coming from my stomach it wasn't a hungry feeling but something different. I am not sure I can explain it. I can say it wasn't like I was starving just that something was going on in my stomach. The feeling continued until, like an idiot, I realized I had not had any water and that is one of the huge things they say. So I started drinking water and got busy at work and the feeling went away. I drank it around 9am and at 12:30 I started getting actually hungry. I recently read, and had in the past as well. That you should wait as long as you can to eat lunch, you should feel ravenous before you eat so your body has plenty of time to take care of breakfast before getting something new to process. So I accepted the hunger pains, said a little prayer and kept working. Here I am at 1:30 and now I feel like I am starving. I can even hear my stomach yelling at me for food. So I am going to pause for a min and go make my next KR drink. I am at work so of course I do not have a blender. But I totally wish I did! This time I did the blue mix which Juu Juu or Into the Blue. It has blueberry, blackberry, and banana. I mixed the powder with 24 oz water and 8 oz of POM. I had bought the bottle they sell and added all ingredients to it and shook. This did not work. The powder does not break down in the liquid. It is like when you bake something and add the dry ingredients to wet you often have lumps that you have to get out. Not a problem in a bowl but in a tall water bottle it is a little harder. Ok actually a lot harder. I think I get them all out and then start drinking and find another dry lump in my mouth. The lumps taste just like what I am drinking but it is awkward having dry lumps in my mouth. I need to figure out a better way to do this. Right now I am thinking that I can bring my magic bullet, it is pretty small making it portable. I won't be able to mix all of it but at least I can blend the powder with some water and get it mixed up better. The cups only hold about 12 oz but that should be enough. Besides the lumps this doesn't taste too bad. It is mostly a blueberry and POM flavor. This is much more grainy then the one this morning. It is harder to drink but I think that is mostly mental because on the top on the side there are several lumps as well as being scared of drinking lumps. I do try to remember to swirl it around before I drink to keep it fully mixed. I have drunk about 2/3 of it over the last half hour and I am again feeling it in my stomach. This time it is the different feeling from before combined with a full feeling. I have another half hour before I go back to work so I should be able to finish it before. As I sit here looking at the drink I can't help and think about all of the powder stuck on the sides. It was some true this morning but even more now. I suspect they must have planned for that right? Knew that not every little bit would be ingested. I suppose if I really wanted to I could after I was done just add water, shake it up and then drink it. I do want to do some cardio tonight. The web site encourages exercise and so I want to include that as well over the next few days. Of course afterwards as well. With many fasts you don't exercise though of course this is not a fast it is just a detox program. I think that is it for now. Will update again soon.

A New Day

As I sit here in my living room there is a stack of 8+ books in front of me. They are books full of recipes and information about eating heathy, eating clean. Books full of juicing, smoothies and salads. Others that hold info on why and what to and not to eat. I feel like I am in the middle of all of them. Some have post its sticking out the side to recipes I want to try or have tried. Pages with lists of brands that vegan. After church I went to the store. I bought banana's, blueberries, strawberries, POM, orange juice, pineapple juice, v8, and fruitables drinks. For the next six days I am drinking everything that goes in my mouth. This is going to be a challenge! I had mentioned before how I purchased a product called Kaeng Raeng. It provides you with all of the nutrients you need in three packets you drink through out the day. The reviews say you get better results if you just mix with water but I am a newbie and know that I will need a little extra to get me through. So I am following the recipes they provided, adding juices and fruits to better the taste and calories. As before all adventures I go on (weight loss and traveling ones alike) I am always excited the night before. My intellectual side reminds me that this is going to be hard. It reminds me how I have seen several blogs where they posted their first day and then never mention it again. But then most of me is just excited. What if this works? What if it helps me reset my system? What if it helps me get past my insistent need to eat ice cream all day? What if I can break free from the addition to junk food and start eating more natural foods, the foods God intended us to eat? Part of me is scared to say I am going to be eating vegan. What will people say? But those I have mentioned it to don't care. In fact they encourage me. The truth is, as most know, I don't really eat fruits and veggies. I eat processed foods. I eat foods that are way too many calories. I binge eat on awful things. And even as a vegan I can still do that. There is still vegan ice cream, cookies, chips, baked goods. But of course I am not really looking at those. I will never be a peta member but looking at vegan recipes on their web site, why not? I don't do this just because animals are being harmed. I do it because my body doesn't like dairy, because I am tired of get sick, because I don't believe the hormones and antibiotics in our current meat is good for my body. Because until I cut out all processed foods I won't be able to free myself from them. I do feel addicted to them. And I know I have tried so many things to loose weight and so this is another in a long line. But (after the first six days) I am not depriving myself of nutrition or even calories. It is the quality of the food that matters the most. I also know that if at any point I do decide to stop with the Kaeng Raeng I know that I will be transitioning straight into vegan food. I had seen one woman who did that, she made it two days and then just used the rest of the packets as her breakfast and ate sensible the rest of the day. So that is an option I am leaving open. Honestly though, I think this is a great time to do this. It is over labor day weekend so I have three days off. Everyone says you usually feel the worst on day 2 or 3. So I have to work day 2 but I am off days 3, 4, and 5. I am also going to use this time to spend more time in prayer. Just like any other fast when it gets hard I am going to lean on God to help me through it. I have detoxed off from caffeine. In fact the last two days I have only had a 7.5 oz can. This evening I have had a slight headache and I almost wonder if it is due to the caffeine. I drank water all day until dinner when I had the can of soda and it has been since then I haven't felt well. But I don't think tomorrow is going to be a problem with no caffeine. I think I detoxed pretty well down off from it. I am glad I did not choose to go cold turkey from the 2 liters a day I was at. But now it is late, so late it has turned into tomorrow. So for now I head to bed to get some sleep before my new adventure starts. *I weighed myself tonight on the Wii Fit. I currently weigh 279.5. I do not plan to weigh myself until the end of day six.