It feels like my frustrations keep growing. As I try to figure out what all is going on in my head I realize more and more the things I have been ignoring. Like my finances. For months I have been avoiding my finances I even went to see my sister ignoring what i knew I shouldn't ignore. Tonight, since I was feeling depressed anyways, I did my finances. I don't make enough money to pay my bills. Which is why every month I come up short. There was a time I was doing ok but a few hours here got cut and then a few hours over got cut. And I used to not mind not making a lot of money because I was so happy with what I was doing I didn't mind. But honestly that is just not the case anymore. I have found myself more and more frustrated all the time. And I try to ignore it, I try to play it off or try to be positive but the truth is I just don't care anymore.
I just want to pay off my debt and be done with it. I want to pay back my dad and not worry if I will be able to pay all of my bills each month. But I still want to live to please God. And I still want to be happy. Happy is hard and so very fleeting. I have been looking at other jobs and I realize I do not want to sacrifice my Sunday mornings. I feel like I made a commitment and I enjoy helping at my church. So then I have to try to find a job that will be flexible enough not to make me work on Sunday's. And do I want to go back to an office or work with kids still. I almost want to stop working with kids because it just reminds me that I might not have my own. But I can't deny that working with kids is a gift God gave me. So then do I look into nanning full time or working at a day care center. And then I have to think about the interview process and the pain of reminding myself how I have no education. I don't know what I am supposed to do. I feel like what I am doing right now is not what I want but I don't know where I should be instead. But I don't want to stay just because it is the easy thing. Though staying in jobs you don't like is not actually easy. I am so very confused!! It is another one of those times I wish God would just show me what i should do and the path I should follow. It again makes me want to cry but of course that is not helpful.
So I am just confused all over. It is like this mid-life crisis or something. Wish my life was different and wanting a different job and I don't know what to do with myself. Plus I am now eating different too. So much stress. I don't like it very much. But I know, nobody does. I mean I knew I couldn't work at a part time job forever, it just wasn't practical. But I every time people asked me about it I would just push it away, that it was something I would have to worry about some other time. So I guess my time is up. Time to face reality. Bleh, reality!
Anyways, I will keep you updated.