On Friday evening as I was leaving work I glanced up at the clouds and saw a rainbow. It was odd since it hadn't rained though I could smell rain in the air. But the rainbow meant so much more to me, just as it did to Noah after the flood. When I saw that rainbow I felt a calming from God. I knew as I saw that rainbow that my storm was over and with my next breath I could breath so much easier.
Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday I was extremely depressed and very suicidal. This is something that I deal with time to time but not as often and not as severe as it was this time. That is why I choose to live poor because for me it is choosing to live happy. So when (as I mentioned in my last post) I thought about going back to the corporate world and work in a cubicle or do work a monkey could do I knew in my gut it was the wrong choice. Yes it would get me out of my current situation but I would not be happy for long and then what. Instead I wanted to fix was wrong so I could go back to happy. I had known it all along but was hoping it was something different but it is my nanny job that is driving me crazy. I can't go into details but due to several reasons the boy I watch who has always required a lot of patients is now having more severe mood swings. This affects me. He can go from loving me and kissing my hand to 30 min later telling me how much he hates me and wishing I was never his nanny. The worst is he has started running away from me as if I would physically hurt him, which since I work with him at school too I am very worried this is going to create a problem.
I wanted to quit Tuesday but felt I wasn't in my right mind and wanted to be sure after my mood leveled out if I felt the same way. I didn't want to be rash. Wednesday I felt the same way and after discussing it during my woman's wed morning bible study with feedback going both ways I knew in my heart what I had to do. So Thursday morning I gave my notice for my nanny position. It felt like such a relief that I would be done soon. Some people who didn't even know what was going on with me commented that afternoon that I "looked so much better" and would say things like "I can tell you are feeling better." And it was true...until that evening. Thursday evening the mom told her son that I was no longer going to watch him. This then created a slew of text messages first telling me how he was crying for hours about it and how sad he was and that he loved me. Then the texts switched to her begging me to stay mixed with insults blaming me for things not working out. I sent her a long reply back explaining that I would not change my mind and did mention at the end of the text that earlier in the week when I said I was sick it was actually my severe depression caused by his extreme mood swings. I had not ever mentioned my depression to her, really it isn't her business. But that seemed to get the texts to stop and made her more cordial with me on Friday when I saw her. I take him to school Monday morning and then I have one more week with him not this week but next week. So I will be done on Oct 14th with the nanny job.
I know after my last post this seems crazy to quit a job without another one lined up. To when I am already not making enough money to quit a job I make 1/4 of my monthly income at. But that is part of the rainbow. I know God will provide for me. He always has before and He will this time. I know that God does not want me to feel like I had this past week. Although depression is part of my life I know that God does not intend for it to BE my life.
Saturday night I went to my church service. This week David Stockton was preaching in Ecclesiastes 4. I have read this chapter before and yet never seen what David pointed out and that is about friendship. Specifically 4 types of friends we are encouraged to have. I think they were co-worker, best friend, lover, and ally. Ok when I list it like that it seems simply, we all have them right? But when you look at the verses each of the four are people who are very close and tightly bonded with you. This (as I have mentioned before) is something I struggle deeply with. I have never been good at having or keeping friends. I blame some on my mom and her lack of friends but for whatever reason I lack this skill. So as I listened to the message I wanted to get up and walk out. Part of me wanted to, and still wants to be angry about the message. But it is not like David said I couldn't be a Christian without friends he just said it would be lonely. And I already know that to be true. Really what I felt was pain, a deep pain in my heart for something I know I am already missing and don't know how to find. I kind of want to talk to him about it but I don't really know what there is to discuss. It was kind of a straight forward message, you need friends and if you don't have them then pray for God to bring some into your life. Like I hadn't already tried that, thanks so much! ...See again this underline frustration about it.
But tonight God showed me again how He is here for me. A couple days ago I was at the gas station and as I was getting ready to leave I saw a woman and her car needed a jump so I tried to help her out. I had our cars hooked up for nearly 15 min but it didn't work. At that point she had a friend arrive and I let them take over trying to charge her battery. What I didn't realize was the battery in my car had a 4 year life and I was coming up on almost exactly 4 years. So this evening when as I got in my car to leave a babysitting job my car battery was dead. Of course the family was super helpful in giving my car a jump. I was so frustrated. What I didn't realize at the time was God was already all over this. When my car didn't start my first thought was to call my dad. Sometimes I hate to do it, especially when I am pretty sure I know what is wrong but talking to dad when my car is broken just makes me feel more confident. My initial though was "I will take it to my car place to have it looked at tomorrow." But I have to nanny in the morning. I was concerned that even if it did start in the morning what if it didn't start when I was taking the kid to school. Then I remembered my brother has a battery that can be used to give a car a jump. It requires a 24 hour charge to work but by some crazy reason he had happened to plug in in yesterday evening. I could just take it with me and give my car a jump if it stopped no problem. God provided.
Later this evening I realize how stupid I was. I could have just driven to any O'Reilly Auto or Auto Zone to have my battery checked. It was already 10:30 but the Auto Zone closest to me was open till 11pm. So I went down to have it checked. I get down there and they can't help me remove the battery after 10pm for safety reasons. So me being me I borrow their tools and go outside to remove the battery myself. Of course they do not have the wrenches to remove the bolts on the battery. So I head home where I can use my own tools. I find the right size wrenches but it is already five to 11pm so I figure I will just wait till tomorrow. That is when my brother comes out with his shoes and socks and offers to drive me to the 24 hour store across town. We decide that I should probably just go to Walmart and buy a battery and have mine checked in the morning but at least I will be covered. He offers to drive me but I turn him down. I get in my car, pull out of the driveway and then my car stalls. It stalled 2 more times while I was just trying to get it back in the driveway. So I do have to use my brothers help after all. The weird thing is he should totally be sleeping. He has barely had any sleep over the last couple days and should be exhausted but is awake for no known reason. My battery is of course the reason.
I realize that if it wasn't for the last min nanny job I wouldn't have known my battery had died till Mon morning as I was leaving for work. I realize even if that happened my brothers battery backup would have been charged and waiting for me. I also realize that it didn't matter if I got a new battery this evening or tomorrow God provided a way for it to be taken care of when I was ready to do it. I even realize that the last minute nanny job paid for over half of the battery I wasn't expecting to buy. I realize all this and how God is reminding me that He is still here for me and how He showed me that I do have people when I need help, that I am not alone. I then immediately but accidently, smash my hand into something and now my pinky finger hurts so bad I am sure I will have a bruise in the morning. But even with the pain it doesn't matter. God has me in His hands and He is not letting go. He will not let me fall further down then I can handle.
**On a side note. I have eating either meat, dairy, or eggs every day this week. I also started drinking caffeine again on the 28th as the fast for the church ended on the 27th. It was a really hard week emotionally and I feel guilty about eating so horribly. I do plan to get back on the vegan diet because I was feeling much better and sleeping better while eating more healthy and abstaining from caffeine. I did not weigh in this week.
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