About Me

Hi, my name is Angela and welcome to my blog. This is a place where I write about my life in an honest and open way.

I am 34 years old, single, and a Christian. God gave me a heart to work with children and so I spend my day teaching kindergarten. It is my fourth year teaching and although it is hard I love it. I currently go to a college for my BA in Elementary Education which keeps me busy. Between work and school there is not much time left but I enjoy serving and helping others, watching netflix, or reading a good book.


Saturday, November 27, 2010

Thanksgiving Aftermath

Depression feels so comfortable. It is like being in a warm blanket. I don't really understand why seeing that I am always trying to fight it so it is this constant battle. Maybe it is just the times between the battle.

I went shopping today. I spent money that I don't have. Money that I know I will have some consequences very shortly for using it. Each time I knew I shouldn't do it. I would pick something up and then just walk around the store telling myself how much I didn't really need X. A few things found their ways back to the shelves but most came home with me. It always becomes interesting because my depression probably would have been satisfied with eating an entire coconut cream pie or carton ice cream. The depression just needs to be fed with food or money for it to stop being so ...not painful its more like distracting. Like a kid jumping up and down in front of you, pulling on your sleeve saying "eat, eat, eat. Buy, buy, buy."

It is so hard to have intellect win over depression. It takes so much strength to beat down depression into submission. Especially when you know it is only in hiding and will come out to get you again. So very difficult.

I think I have found the reason D. came out of hiding. But, like most things, it is very very complicated and sure to cause pain along the way. Sure to be inconvenient, frustrating, and possible to cause more loss of people in my life. I want to just bury the truth away, pretend it isn't the truth. Hope that it goes away. Hope that the truth changes to a different truth. But it will just draw out the pain. Don't they say it is best to just pull the splinter and not allow it to fester.

So now I have the choice to go eat again when I am not even hungry and stay up late because I don't want to face another day. Or I could put away the computer and sleep instead.

I do want to say on a side note I have been listening to JJ Heller a lot lately. Even now as I type I have her music playing in the background. I have loved the itouch I have now because I can set it to play her cd and then it just sleeps when the cd is over so it doesn't waste battery. So if you haven't heard her I definitely recommend her. She is a Christian artist from AZ.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Change

I don't how my mom did it. I don't know how she went her adult life without friends. She had like one friend and sometimes hung out with a couple of her sisters but that was it. I mean she had dad and us kids but didn't she need some time with friends.

A few months ago I was concerned about a friend who started working with Mary Kay. I have some concern over their business practices and was concerned for my friends that were getting very involved in the business. I of course, being who I am, tried to hold it in and then it came out in a giant word vomit mess on facebook. The result has been that I have lost my friends. I thought maybe we would get past it but apparently it is one straw too many. The one I go to church with doesn't even say hello back to me (except the one time I said hi to her in front of several other people) and the other friend will not respond to my e-mails. I have accepted that I had made a mistake in how I handled things, I have apologized for that. Though would not and will not apologize for being concerned for my friends.

The result has been I now only have one friend. And honestly that relationship is a little weird since I can only see her when she is not around the friends that don't talk to me. I was cool with it for awhile but now I have found the need to reach out to people. I attend a different church, Living Streams, on Saturday nights. I tried multiple times to find new friends there but they are not very open to allowing new people into their groups. This has left me with the friends at work.

First let me say that I love my friends at work. They are great and amazing people and I am so glad I know them. However for fun they go out drinking. Not only am I past the get drunk every night phase of my life I also can not afford it. When I order a 12 oz beer for $5 all I can think about is how it took me a half hour at work to earn that. How I can barely pay the bills and I really shouldn't be buying expensive alcohol. But I do it to socialize because I can not live my life alone in my house. So tonight with tip I spent $8 to have fun with my friends. But it is not about the cost it is about who I am. Which then gets more complicated.

When I am with my Christian friends, with those previous friends. I would pretend to be the baptist girl they wanted me to be. And I was ok with that. But here I am tonight pretending to be a drinker and I feel uncomfortable about it. Tonight while we were out we were playing this trivia game at the bar and our team, because of an answer I said, won a coors light t-shirt. I ended up with a picture and comment about it on facebook. I know that most of my friends on facebook are from my church and they already judge me because I like Obama and now what are they going to think. I get scared, like I will loose more friends because I was out having fun. I mean I know that I had one beer, didn't even get buzzed and was just having fun but my church loves spin things. I can't wait till I see everyone on Sunday, what will people say. Oh, right I wasn't planning on going Sunday so I bet that will cause even more gossip.

I don't know what to do anymore. The truth is that I am independent, I voted for Obama and still support him. In fact the book I am writing this month for NaNoWriMo, National Novel Writing Month which is the reason I haven't been posting because I am trying to write a book with a minimum of 50,000 words in November which is also why I am going to miss church sunday so I can do an all night write-in. Anyways it is a first person story about a nanny working for the Obama's. I am an independent thinking, I believe in global warming, I support our troops but I don't support the war. I think that taking away someone’s right for sexual preference is like taking away my right for religion. I even believe that life starts at first breath and not at conception. So I don't understand why I feel so at home in a Baptist church when my beliefs so do match those of a Baptist. I hate hiding who I am. I hate hiding what I believe because it might offend someone.

Part of me really wants to stop attending my current church. I feel like all I do there is give of myself and I receive nothing in return. I no longer feel at home there. But where would I go? Living Streams members won't seem to let me in to their lives. I feel like I am a fish out of water. And the more I realize how weird my beliefs are I realize more and more why I have no friends and am single. How if I live my life hiding my beliefs from the people I am closest to, how can I expect anything else but having my relationships fall apart?

Is this why my mom was so lonely? She never went to church because she would not hold her tongue on things she believed. She spoke up and spoke loudly fighting for her beliefs. And so she was alone. I don't want to be alone. But I can not change what I believe so deeply. I have thought about that. Maybe I could pretend to be the good republican baptist so that I can get along but that is how I got here. My beliefs have not changed I only pretended that they did. And you can not hide the truth when you believe in honesty. I feel so lost. I mean don't my beliefs have to be wrong if no one else believes them? Doesn't something have to be wrong with my line of thinking because otherwise wouldn't others, someone anyone outside my family have the same beliefs too?

Even now I pause and think about this blog. I think about what I have put in it and what you my readers will think. Will you stop reading? Will you say bad things about me? I once had someone tell my Pastor about a blog I made, will you report me? I am tempted to delete this. Tempted to try to continue to hide my feelings but they are still my feelings. They still pour out of me with such anguish that I don't know what to do with them! There is no answer that I can find. All I see is change your whole being! Change who you are at your core! or... choose to be alone.

What I never understand is why is that only the people in my church's care so much about every little detail of what I believe. They are all so critical. I can go out and find all these other people who don't care that I am a good Christian girl who is also like's Obama. They accept me for me. It is so tempting to fall back into that. To fall back into hanging out with people that will accept me but will also lead me down a path God does not want me on. Why, why can't you just accept me? And why God...why God can't I just believe what everyone else does? You know I have prayed for that. I have prayed and read the bible hoping God would just show me that I am wrong some how. And yet He has never shown me anything different then what I already believe.

I can not be alone. I can not spend my life alone. I don't actually question why I overeat. I overeat because I have nothing else. I overeat and I sabotage diets because know that I will still be different, I will still not be accepted for who I am whether I am a size 6 or a size 26. But if I just stay this size then sometimes I can convince myself that its just my weight that is the problem. This is all just too hard.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

HCG - Update

I am sorry I have not posted in so long. I kept going back and forth on what I was going to do and didn't think you really needed/wanted to hear me go back and forth. I did stop taking the HCG yesterday. I just mentally can not seem to handle it. I cheat over and over again. I don't know if it is because my relationship with food is too strong or if I am scared to be a normal size; probably a combination of both. I am saving the other half of the bottle. I guess it doesn't have an expiration date so maybe one day in the future I will be ready to try again.

I did loose 14 lbs in 3 weeks. Which is amazing with as much as I cheated. Especially because I only lost 10 lbs in the previous 10 1/2 months of this year. After many ups and downs I seemed to have come to a rest at 250.5 lbs. It is over my 250 but closer to going under than before. I managed to go to the gym once last week and had to lower all of my weights 10 to 20 lbs from the last time I was there. I am not surprised because it has pretty much been 2 months since I have gone to the gym. I hope to work my way back up with my weights.

Anyways, just wanted to let you know what was up. Thank you for all of your prayers and support as I attempted this. I am feeling a bit broken and emotional because I failed at this. It is frustrating to have a way to loose weight and to learn that mentally I am not ready. Now I am supposed figure that out and even the idea of it is just draining. Bleh, its stupid.

Friday, November 5, 2010

Conform

I do these these things to conform myself to the norm. To conform myself to be what others wish, desire, and expect of me. I think about the minutes, the hours, the days, the weeks and months I spend trying to conform instead of being me. But this is me. And I am happy being me! In fact the only times I am not happy being me are those minutes, those hours, those days, weeks and months that I am trying to conform into what you want me to be!

Thursday, October 28, 2010

HCG - P2D12 - Happy Update

So I don't know if something just clicked for me or it was the changes I made or maybe just because last week I was sick but I am doing great now! I still feel hungry from time to time but I now have more options then just drink water. I will drink some green tea or chew some gum, both have been life savers. But most importantly I am covering this in prayer. Anytime I get hungry or are tempted to snack or cheat. Yesterday for snack the kids had Cheez-its, I love them. But I got through. And then last night I came out of Target and the air smelled like french fries so I grabbed my bottle of green tea and I made it home without cheating.

The lbs are coming off quickly and it is exciting!!

Mon: 257.5
Tue: 254 - lost what I gained with cheating
Wed: 251
Thur: 248.5

Last night as I was driving home from Target I got so excited thinking that even if I lost just 1 lb overnight I would be at 250 by this scale (the wii fit already registers me their.) I was so excited because for the last 8 months or so I have not been able to break past the 250 lbs. If you are a long time reader you know that I have tried eating right and exercising but my body just wanted to stay at 250. And then overnight I didn't just loose 1 lb, no I lost 2.5 lbs so I broke through that 250 weight, I am now on the other side and I do not want to go back up there again. I hated feeling stuck like that, it was so frustrating!

I know that this is like my first week instead of my second and I will probably not always loose this many lbs a day. I know that even as I sit here typing I feel hungry and know I should go start the tea kettle to get my first glass of green tea in my system. But I am happy to see it working. It is exciting to feel how loose my pants are. Actually last night it was frustrating. I was at Awana's and sometimes I literally run around the building but my pants keep falling down. Today will have to be a belt day, no falling pants for me. But every time I was frustrated I stopped to remind myself how exciting it was that I was loosing inches. I tried to remember that this was actually a good thing, even if I had to run holding up my pants. :)

So for now I am pretty happy. I am hoping that by the end of this week (another 4 days) my body might be more used to this and stop being so hungry. Last night I was trying to sleep and actually heard my stomach growling. It is hard to go to sleep hungry, tends to keep you awake. So I said some more prayers and luckily fell asleep pretty quickly.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

HCG - P2D10 Try, Try, Try Again

I haven't posted in awhile and that is because I was trying to figure out what I was going to do. As you know I cheated on day 1, then I cheated on days 6, 7, and 8. I kept going back and forth between quitting and not quitting. I finally decided on day 9 I quit. On Sunday I ate whatever I wanted, I didn't care about the protocol and what I should eat. I was done with HCG and I was happy.

The thing is I was still taking the spray. Part of me still wanted to do it. On Sunday night I took my measurements. My neck is down 1 inch and so are each of my arms! My pants were feeling loose but I was only down a 1/2 inch from the previous week. I couldn't believe it though, I can never seem to loose size on my neck and especially not my flabby arms. So I started looking up more info online. I found several people who had success because they stretched "the rules" a little and still did great. Little things that I thought would help me through.

Chew gum or have hard candy as long as no cal and sugar free it can help with cravings. Drink green tea or take green tea pills to help with hunger. You can eat turkey and tuna. Flavored waters are ok, if no calories (I already discovered that.) Right now I can only eat apple, strawberries, or grapefruit for a fruit but I read that I can eat oranges too, it isn't a huge deal but maybe having a cutie orange when i feel like I am hungry may do the trick. The protocol also says don't mix vegetables, only one per sitting. But I found several people who were successful even though they mixed them to make a more exciting salad, and they still lost lots of weight. I say variety is the spice of life and I think being able to make more choices is going to help me.

I started on Monday with a commitment to do 7 days no cheating. The other thing with this is I am actually, finally, treating it like with my fast. I am praying constantly! When I am hungry, when I am tempted, when I start craving things. I am praying all day long. And honestly it is so much better this way. Before I questioned whether or not God wanted me to be doing this, I really felt like it was a God and satan battle. And so yesterday when I covered this in prayer, when I finally invited God to help me with this choice in my life He was there for me. I am not surprised by this but more like happy that I finally did what I knew I should do all along.

Now is it easy? No it is still not easy. Like I said I was praying all day long. I am hungry often and working with kids I am around food quite a bit at work. I know that this is going to be a challenge. I am hoping that after 7 days my body is more used to the 500 cal days so I don't feel so hungry. I do realize that every time I cheated I was destined to feel hungry the next day.

So on Mon I did not cheat. I ate what I should and this morning it paid off. I lost most of what I gained with the cheating and am now back down to 254 lbs. I will post below my weight chart.

Thank you so much for your prayers and support while I go through this. It is truly appreciated!


START DATE: October 15, 1010
START WEIGHT: 260 lbs
GOAL WEIGHT: 160 lbs
START WAIST: 50 in
PHASE 1
WEIGHT CHANGE
P1D1: 260.0 (+0.0) Starting Weight
P1D2: 264.0 (+4.0) After first load day
-------------------------------------------
PHASE 2
WEIGHT CHANGE
P2D01: 262.0 (-0.0) I got a sore throat, didn't load as much as I should
P2D02: 259.5 (-0.5) Only counting loss from original weight (cheated, had cereal and ice cream)
P2D03: 255.0 (-4.5) Wow that is a big drop
P2D04: 254.0 (-1.0) Drank a flavored water from Fry's yesterday, wonder if I would have dropped more if I hadn't.
P2D05: 253.0 (-1.0) Followed everything so maybe water wasn't a problem yesterday
P2D06: 253.0 (-0.0) Binge ate last night, ice cream and mcdonalds
P2D07: 254.0 (+1.0) Ate again, I am feeling miserable on this protocol which makes it hard to stick to.
***** END WEEK #1: WEIGHT (000.0 LBS) LOSS (00.0 LBS/KG) WAIST (000.00 IN/CM)
P2D08: 257.5 (+3.5) Cheated again, this makes 3 days cheated in a row
P2D09: 257.5 (-0.0) Quit the plan, ate nothing on protacol
P2D10: 254.0 (-3.5) Decided to try again, no cheating = loss

Friday, October 22, 2010

HCG - Mental Breakdown

I failed. Yeah that's right I cheated. Tonight I was stressed over money and then somehow in conversation a past boy issue came up. I tried, I really tied. But I failed. It started with one Klondike bar, then went on to a second Klondike bar. Then I was really messed up and went out to McDonalds and had 2 Big Mac's and a large fry. I know, no wonder I am so overweight.

But I did take my spray tonight anyways. I know that long term this is what I need to do. I know that this is what I must do if I want to live a long and healthy life. So tomorrow I will continue with my 500 calorie days. The overeating tonight will set back my weight loss and I know that. I also know that I feel sick from eating so much. I wonder what I will feel like tomorrow. I will let you know how much I gain from this binge.


START DATE: October 15, 1010
START WEIGHT: 260 lbs
GOAL WEIGHT: 160 lbs
START WAIST: 50 in
PHASE 1
WEIGHT CHANGE
P1D1: 260.0 (+0.0) Starting Weight
P1D2: 264.0 (+4.0) After first load day
-------------------------------------------
PHASE 2
WEIGHT CHANGE
P2D01: 262.0 (-0.0) I got a sore throat, didn't load as much as I should
P2D02: 259.5 (-0.5) Only counting loss from original weight (cheated, had cereal and ice cream)
P2D03: 255.0 (-4.5) Wow that is a big drop
P2D04: 254.0 (-1.0) Drank a flavored water from Fry's yesterday, wonder if I would have dropped more if I hadn't.
P2D05: 253.0 (-1.0) Followed everything so maybe water wasn't a problem yesterday
P2D06: 000.0 (-0.0) Binge ate like 1000 calories

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

HCG - Phase 2 Day 4

So totally excited in 3 days I have lost 6 lbs! That is an average of 2 lbs a day. This is pretty cool. Ok, I am feigning excitement a little. I have been hungry everyday and craving all kinds of foods. Yesterday I went to Sprouts and next door is an In and Out, it took all my effort not to go over and get some delicious food. I am also pretty tired. I have been sleeping 10 - 12 hours a night. I stuggle because I am supposed to take my spray every 12 hours but if I wake up too late then I have to stay up late to take the next spray. But this shouldn't be a problem, staying awake for 12 hours shouldn't be difficult.

I am thankful that I have been telling people about what I am doing. My boss/friend is totally curious about it so she asks a million questions but I don't really mind because she is also way encouraging. My brother and sister-in-law are also encouraging. They are way helpful especially in the evenings when I just want to eat junk.

I am trying to stay positive. Trying to remember that the positives out weigh the negatives. I wanted a little bit of a boost today so I went to try the Wii. If you remember we thought it was broken but weren't sure so I went over and tried it. It was loud but it still worked. I knew that my weight on the wii is lower than my scale so I was kind of excited. I had right to be my weight came in at 247!! That's right I am under my dreaded 250 lb mark that seemed to defeat me the last 7 months. Woo Hoo!! Ok, I still have to drop below 250 on my scale, I am currently at 254 so it shouldn't be long.

So if you are keeping record. Day 1: .5 loss (I cheated) Day 2: 4.5 loss Day 3: 1.0 loss (drank a flavored water I wasn't supposed to. So there it is 6 lbs gone from my body.

Monday, October 18, 2010

HCG - Phase 2 Day 2

Let me say this, this is not easy. I mean sure it sounds easy right? You just spray your mouth twice a day, only have to eat 500 calories and they are planned out too. And supposedly you aren't really ever hungry. And well I guess that is all true but not quite the full story.

For two day's you binge eat. I ate so much on day one I was physically sick. Day two I did eat healthier fats but I got a sore throat so it was hard to eat. And I tried to go to dinner Saturday night but it didn't turn out very well.

Then on day three, which is called Phase 2 Day 1, you stop eating and switch to 500 calories a day. That is difficult! It is this mental game. You get excited to loose weight and get in the right mind frame for it, then switch over to binge eating, and then all of a sudden stop. Sunday I just kept wanting to eat out and had to stop myself. I was hungry through out the day and then in the evening after I had already eaten I was still hungry and so I cheated. I had cereal and a Klondike bar. I know not good. I also realize that half was hunger and half was mental hunger.

Today I have done better. I wasn't as hungry today. I figure my body needs to get used to the change. But here I am in the evening feeling hungry again. It is frustrating. Ok, let me clarify. I am not like starving I am just a little hungry but still its annoying. And I have mentioned before how much I hate going to bed hungry.

Ok so you want to know how it is working so far. First of all I am weighing in the morning because it just works out better. So I started out at 260 lbs, I gained 2 lbs during my load days taking me to 262 lbs. This morning I woke up (so after 1 day of use) I am at 259.5. So I kind of lost 2.5 lbs but I feel like it is only .5 lbs. Either way its not bad especially because I cheated.

For now I think I am going to stop talking about food because it is making me hungry. Post again soon.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

HCG - Phase 1 Day 2

Ok so today is day two of my "fat loading." They tell you to stuff yourself all day and eat lots of fatty foods. Ok so here is what I ate yesterday.

Breakfast:
Jack in the Box Ultimate breakfast sandwich, hash browns and french toast

Snack:
Starbucks: Venti pumpkin spice frappaccino and cheese danish

Lunch:
Felt way to sick so only had a bag of honey roasted peanuts

Snack:
Starbucks rocky road cake on a stick and small bag of cheddar sour cream ruffles

Dinner:
Two slices of cheese pizza (babysitting and that what kids had)

2nd Dinner:
Jack in the Box: Ultimate bacon cheesburger and large curly fries

Desert:
Slice of very sugar apple pie


Ok first thing I have to say is what I ate today was totally gross. At some points while I was eating these things I actually felt nausea's at the idea of eating what I was eating. But I kept eating because I am trying to trust the process. But here is where the problem came in: When I woke up this morning as I was laying in bed my heart felt slow. I think that is the best way to say it. I have felt it before when I eat to much fat, its like there is just too much fat in my arteries and my heart is screaming STOP! Ok, its not painful, I am not having a heart attack. It is more like I can physically feel the arteries in my heart clogging. So today I am going to do something different. Today I am going to focus only on good fats.

The list of good fats is pretty random. It's not like I am just going to drink olive oil or eat salmon all day. I did find a woman's blog who felt like I do, that there must be a healthier way of doing this. She went to Whole Foods and got Tuna Salad, Egg Salad, and Flax crackers. So I am going to follow in her footsteps and go do the same. I read walnuts are also good so I will pick up some of those too.

The program I am following comes with a site where people blog and post about what they are going through. I see many people say that it is important to "fill" so you don't feel sluggish your first week but I wonder if part of this is so you get sick off the food to help teach you how unhealthy it all really is. I am going to bet yes on that one. Alright, got to go shopping so I can be done before its time for me to babysit.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

HCG - My order arrived!

I have been anxiously awaiting the arrival of my HCG order. As I said I ordered it on Mon. Monday was a holiday so it should have gone out on Tuesday meaning it would arrive Thur or Fri. But I wasn't sure, the payment is still pending and none of the e-mails actually said that it was shipped but I was hoping. And it arrived today!!

The first step of the program is to eat as much fat as possible for the next two days and then start on the spray on day three. This works perfect because I like to weigh myself on Sat nights. Yes I know you weigh less if you weigh in the morning but then that means if some random point of the day I step on a scale then it will always look like I gained weight; and I don't like that. Also on this program you are supposed to weigh daily but again I don't think I can do it. It is supposed to be motivating to see you loose every day but then if it slows down or stops I will freak out and I don't like freaking out. They say that you aren't really plateauing unless you don't loose for 5 days or more so I figure if I don't loose in a week I will stop and see what I am doing wrong. Oh, did I get ahead of myself. For a woman they say the average is too loose .5 lbs a day. Now because I weigh more I will most likely loose more than that but still the average is half a pound. So that is 3-4 lbs a week or about 20 lbs in the full 6 weeks. Because I weigh more I have decided my goal is to get rid of 35 lbs in the 6 weeks. Now keep in mind the woman I know that has used this lost 50+ lbs in the 6 weeks so it is likely that I will loose more but want to set a moderate and realistic goal.

So for two days I am supposed to "force feed" myself (their words not mine) as much fatty food as I can. So this means all day Friday and all day Saturday I get to eat yummy, delicious, totally unhealthy foods. Ok, honestly I think this might be hard. Even today I forgot to eat lunch because I just wasn't hungry, but I am going to try. Plus it is kind of expensive. I don't have that kind of food in my house right now so really it means I am eating out for two day. Oh, I am totally going to Carlos O'briens for dinner sat around 7pm if anyone wants to join me for a last meal. :)

After the two days I go into Phase 2. During this Phase I use the spray I got today, 2 sprays twice a day. And I only eat 500 calories. They are very specific about the food as well. I get two meals each consisting of the same 4 things: 100 grams protein, 1 fruit, 100 grams veg, 1 melba toast. Only certain proteins, 3 different types of fruit, and about 8 types of vegetables are allowed. It is pretty restricting. So if you know me then you know this is going to be a challenge. I don't like writing down my food and I don't like being told I can't eat certain things. So during this time I am really going to be praying a lot and leaning on God for support. In fact I am kind of looking at this time as a type of fast because I don't think this is not going to be easy for me at all. It will be a true test of my will power at times. But I am glad that I know that and already recognize it.

The injections are normally for 43 days. According to the web site that connects me to others who use this. It says the bottle actually lasts closer to 50 days. Right now my goal is to do 47 days. The reason being is this gives me a full 90 days. If you remember how I made a calendar on poster board for my 90 day goals. So I did the same for this and so 47 makes my calender work out with all three Phases of the program.

Oh yeah and there is one other change. My brothers Wii is broken which means I can't weigh myself on that anymore. If you remember I switched to weighing myself on that because it was a lower number than my scale and seemed a bit more accurate compared to a Dr scale. But without that I am going to weigh myself on my scale. So I just weighed myself I am at 260 lbs, 42% fat, with 36% water weight. ...I just realized I don't know what I should use as my before weight. I was thinking the weight on first day of phase 2 but that is after the fat load so I would be heavier so should I use the number from today at start of phase 1. I will look it up and let you know on my next post. I guess that's it for now.

Monday, October 4, 2010

Sick

I have a cold. It started with a sore throat Sun morning. Sun night I had a fever of a little over a 100 degrees. So I called out sick. Well of course stupid me mentioned that I had a fever when my boss texted today to check up on me. So not only did I miss work on Mon but also have to miss it on Tues. I don't really understand day's off. I mean, yes I understand I am sick and need to not get others sick. But I hate just sitting at home. I have a fever which is causing a headache and a runny nose. But knowing that I am needed at work while I just sit around and watch tv. I think I get it from my mom. She never let us stay home when we were sick. We had to be on our death bed if we were going to stay home. I am trying to accept it. Ok actually I am pretty low stressed about it compared to most times I get sick. I want to get better and get this out of my system. I know God has already taken care of my loss of income for these two days. I also know that i am not expected to never call in sick. We work with kids so it is expected. But hey it does mean that I am already half way through my hulu queue.

Friday, October 1, 2010

Tail Spin

Ok so yesterday I realized I was in a tail spin. I ate breakfast at denny's, had carmel frappachino for lunch, mcdonalds for dinner, and then stopped at a gas station and got ice cream for desert. I was anxious all day from all this boot camp, hcg, fasting stress. Last night I was up till midnight watching a movie and then couldn't sleep because I was so stressed out. So last night I decided I am not doing boot camp anymore. I am not getting any benefits from it, instead I am actually gaining weight and spinning into a cycle of depression so no more. I let the boot camp girl know this morning I won't be back. I had registered for the second boot camp but I am going to see if I can unregister and maybe gift it to someone. If not then it was only $30 and my sanity is worth more than that.

This weekend I am spending some one-on-one time with nephews. One loves to cook and the other loves to shop. So food will be involved with both. I do have a four day weekend next weekend so the current plan is to fast for four days next weekend. I plan to do a "regular fast" no food but lots of water. I am hoping that during this time I will find some clarity about the HCG thing because I am to back and forth, split in the middle right now about it.

This morning when I woke up I felt like a weight was off my shoulders. I am still not sure about these shoes because they kind of remind me all day I am trying to loose weight but I am used to them now so I am going to see if I can handle them. Well off to work now.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Sleepy Post

I am tired, exhausted, and frustrated! I have been awake for 17 hour which isn't actually a lot but I feel so tired and run down. I spent two hours exercising and 9 hours with kids and I am just worn out physically and mentally. I am also starving which I shouldn't be because I have eaten plenty of calories today but it has been 4 hours since I last ate so my body is whining at me to eat. But I just want to sleep and I know I don't need the calories but I don't know if I can sleep with a whining stomach.

But I am just at my wits end with these long exhausting days that don't seem to be doing anything for me except helping me gain more weight. I wore my fat pants today and they fit reasonably well this morning but by tonight they were tight on me. I am scared to measure but I may have gained another inch on my stomach! What in the world!! This is NOT what I wanted. My brother says "it takes time" and I know I just started back at the gym but this is just annoying. I litteraly want to cry because it is just so crazy.

Ok and then even worse I have a friend who saw I was loosing weight and was inspired. Well she is using a Homeopathic version of HGC and it is totally working for her. She lost like 80 lbs in the first session (42 days) and is already down 142 lbs and she is still on her second session. I don't even have 142 lbs to loose, I only need to loose about 110, ok maybe it is a little more than that with my current weight gains. But it isn't really healthy (you only eat 500 cal a day) and it is not approved by the FDA. And I don't have ins so if something does go wrong while I am on it then I am out of luck. But she hasn't had any problems and she is so happy and says she has more energy. Plus it is only $82 for one session. I spent $100 last week on fast food. And the Gazelle I bought years ago that I never used was $150. I just want an easy way out. I just want to get rid of this weight and then work to maintain it. Today some kid goes "your butt is big. All of is big." Now he is 4 and his mother is very skinny but it sucks to hear that when as I stand there most of my body is sore from working out. Knowing that my butt is actually bigger even though I have been trying so hard to make it smaller.

So right now in this moment I just want to quit these stupid boot camps. I just want to take the easy way out. Though most of my head is telling me that "if its too good to be true it probably is" but then the other side says well it is true, I know someone it is true for. I can see how much weight she lost. My family thinks its a bad idea, my friends are unsure of it but are swaying toward no's. It just makes everything more frustrating. Like this morning as I am running a mile around a park, really walking most of the way, I just think hey if I was taking HGC I might actually loose this weight. See in my head I already know this isn't working. I see that after 2 weeks I weigh more than I have in months. So now all I can say is grrrr.

Monday, September 27, 2010

Ramble, Ramble, Ramble

Ok just so you know this blog is probably going to be all over the place. It's like my head is swimming or maybe more like my thoughts are in the wash spinning around in my head. Though I figure that is pretty normal for my blogs.

Bootcamp:
Went again today, though I barely made it on time. We mostly did cardio which for me is just frustrating. She had us jog around the park stopping at these little exercise stations they have there. But really it just seemed like a lot of jumping. So we would run and then jump and run and then jump some more. Part of it is frustrating because I can see someone else do the full version and I try but my body just won't do it. And don't know maybe it is mental or because my body weighs more than theirs but it is discouraging. Like one spot we held a bar over our head and we were to lift both legs off the ground waist high. The other girl could do this and then trainer actually said she regularly has to lift her toes all the way up the bar not just waist high. But i couldn't do it. I got my feet maybe knee high but not any further. I had to do a modified option of lifting one leg at a time. I am going to keep doing this and finish out the 10 sessions but I don't think I would continue with this company. At least not at this weight. Anyways, so I was driving home out of breath but my body wasn't tired so I actually went to the gym for an hour and did my strength training routine.

Weight Loss:
So I know I said I wasn't going to weigh myself but I couldn't help it. I have noticed my pants getting tighter which is not a good sign. So yesterday I measured and my waist is up 1 inch. I used a different scale so I don't have an exact # but I have gained at least 5 lbs like I suspected. I know it has been my food, I keep eating out. Even today I went out for lunch even though I packed my lunch. But I was thinking about it and I also think is the non-gym thing. As you know I hadn't gone to the gym in several weeks before I started boot camp. And I kept thinking I would go, especially because I had time in the morning. But then I figured the boot camp would replace my strength training. And then when I was sore from the strength training I would use it as an excuse not to go do cardio on my off day. So I am eating worse and really not exercising of course I am gaining weight. I don't know that I will always do the strength training on my boot camp days but I think I might try. When I went today I noticed that when i did chest press and some of the leg moves I could do heavier weights but like my biceps, triceps, and lat pull down they were all much more difficult at my old weights. Actually I barely made it through the triceps and overhead press because the weight was just too much. So this lets me know that although some things are being worked out and improved not everything. I worry about over working a certain muscle group but I am smart and can figure it out. Like I did 30 lunges at boot camp so I only did 40 at the gym instead of my normal 60. I did have to push myself harder on my abs too but had to be careful since we did some ab work in the morning. As I type it out it sounds complicated which is why I have avoided the gym lately but when I was there I just figured it out. I need to trust myself and my knowledge and just go anyways.

Church:
I don't think I have talked about it but I currently attend two churches. I have attended Hillside Baptist for over 6 years. I attend at least twice a week and sometimes go more than that. But if you remember at the beginning of this year I was looking for a new group to plug into. At the time I was thinking of a small bible study. Instead God led me to Living Streams where I attend a Sat evening service. For the last 7 months or so I have always considered them separate just being two different parts of my life but over the last month or two I noticed how God is teaching me many of the same things through both churches as well as through some of the random books I have been reading. One of the biggest things is John. I started like 4 months ago a devotional study on John by Beth Moore. It was weird because I had randomly stopped at a Ross and was walking around and on a shelf where there were no other books there sat this book, at a great price. I had a few of her other devotions and wanted this one but didn't get around to buying it because of the cost. Seeing it in that store there was no question it was for me. I think it was two weeks later the Pastor at Living Steams started teaching from the book of John. You would think that was enough of a coincidence but it wasn't. Tim Lahaye, that wrote the Left Behind series. He and the same co-author have a new series where they tell a fictional first hand account from John, Mark, Matthew, and Luke. I was in the library one day and the Luke book had just come out and so it was in their new book area and it looked interesting. I noticed it was actually the fourth book so I went to see if they had the others and they did. The series started with John. I have had the book for 6 weeks, finally had to return it today. I have been slowly making my way through. Well the book isn't just about the book of John, 4th book in the New Testament. But it was about all John wrote which includes Revelations. Since Jan we have been studying Revelations in my Sun morning bible study. So knowledge from the class helped with book and now knowledge from the book is helping on Sun mornings. Not only that but the Pastor at Hillside, who is normally all over the bible. Has often been picking many verses and stories from both John and Revelations. Now I don't actually believe in coincidences and there is no way that this just happened. So I have been trying to learn and absorb as much as I can right now just trying to learn anything and everything God wants me to know.

A second interesting coincidence is fasting. Living Steams did a month of fast because the 26th was their 26th anniversary. So fasting was on my mind. Then last Sunday out of the blue the Pastor at Hillside mentions that he is going to be fasting on Mon and Tue and encourages us to fast as well. Although I have been interested in fasting it has always been a scary idea to me. I already have so many food issues that fasting doesn't sound like the right thing for me. But here I am and I feel like God is telling me to fast. So I got this book that is literally called "Fasting" of course by Christian author. I am hoping that I can get some insight into this fasting thing so I can feel more comfortable about it. Though I get being uncomfortable is part of the point so I will lean on God. I was thinking maybe instead of food I could fast from tv for 21 days but knowing me, and the lovely site Hulu, I could just watch it all after the 21 days. But would that be cheating? Knowing that I would get to watch it later. I mean it would still drive me nuts seeing my hulu queue grow, listening to my brother watch shows, or even listening to people talk about shows. I am not sure. Now I do know you aren't actually supposed to tell people you are fasting because you aren't supposed to be lifting yourself up to show others what you are doing. But I think the reason why I wanted to post this is first for your prayers that I won't chicken out and two for any tips or idea's you have for me encouraging this. Have you fasted? What kind of fast? I keep thinking I need to lock myself in my room and be alone but don't people fast while they work? Any advise would be helpful.

The List:
Awhile ago I posted about making a to do list. Things I want to accomplish in life. I said I would post it soon. When I sat down to think about it I realized that nothing on my list is for God. Everything is stuff I want to do; go to ireland, bungy jump, own a new car. But my list, and more importantly my life, need to reflect what God wants me to do. Sure me to have fun and be happy but my plans are not very often His plans. And yet His plans always turn out better. So I need more time to think and pray before I make a new list.

On a side note to this (I can not remember if I told you this yet.) I did start teaching myself spanish. I have this workbook I found at Sam's club. And then I can only get part of my dad's spanish program work but I am using the part that works. I was going to look into how many credits I need and I need 18 credits for a general AA degree. But I really have no desire to go back to school so at least I know my credit count. The third thing I was working on was saving for a trip to Seattle. This really hasn't happened yet. As I mentioned before I keep going out to eat and that's expensive. Plus my old school loans are coming due again and I don't think I am going to defer again. But I am working on my budget and hopefully it will come together.

Nephews/Car:
I took my nephews to the AZ Museum for Youth. Honestly it is really small and pretty boring. Unless you live near it or are really desperate for something to do in Mesa I would say skip it. The AZ Science Center is better for youth and the Children's Museum is best for little kids. I posted several fun photo's on Facebook because my crazy nephews can have fun almost anywhere.

So my car sucks and I am not supposed to drive it long ways because it overheats. Well I did it anyways and went out to mesa and back. On the way home, like 3 miles from home the car did overheat and stall out. But I just had to let it cool for a little while and then we were good to go. But now the car engine is extra loud and it doesn't like being between 40-45. I push it anyways but I know something is wrong. I checked all my fluids and everything is full and nothing is really leaking. I know I should take it in but I seem to hate every mechanic I take it to and then all want to charge an arm and a leg. So I don't know what I am going to do. I was thinking maybe take it to the Nissan dealership for a full 109 point inspection or whatever it is so I can get a list of everything they think is wrong. I am sure it will be very long but maybe if I get someone honest (yeah right) and I say "ok, I have $200 what is the most important" then maybe that will work. I don't know, but I will figure it out.

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Ok, I have been up for 17 hours now so it must be time for bed. Hopefully most of this was at least coherent enough to read if not then you probably didn't get this far. :) Have a fabulous day!!

Friday, September 24, 2010

One week down

So here I am one week later, 4 boot camps down. It has been quite a week. I am finding waking up at 4:30 am to be difficult. It makes for very long days. I have been doing the full hour workouts and have been sore every day.

The problem is that I don't think I am loosing any weight. In fact I am pretty sure I gained weight. As I said I haven't officially been weighing myself. But I know that my pants are feeling tighter and this morning I stepped on a scale and I think I have gained 5 lbs. Now part of that may be muscle weight so I am not to worried about the weight gain. I do think I have been eating too much. I keep getting confused about when I am hungry verses when my abs are sore. So then I eat not realizing that I am not actually hungry. Plus I am awake several more hours during the day and so I think I am eating extra with that. But then yesterday I was so busy I only ate twice. I need to do something different. I have been eating sweets this last week so I am sure that hasn't helped either.

I didn't do cardio yesterday. I felt too sore that I didn't think I could. Of course looking back on it now I probably could have pushed through 30 min. I need to try to do cardio tomorrow and probably Sunday too. I just want to do at least 30 min to keep myself moving.

This morning at boot camp we had to do a run. She didn't want us to stop but not very far all I had to. I think the air was too cold and it made it hard to breath. I ended up walking most of the way. I had to use my inhaler when I got back to the tables and it felt like my lungs were on fire for the next 20 min. In fact even now I it is painful to breath. Strength I can do but this cardio is just painful. Even while I was walking back I knew that my problem wasn't that my muscles couldn't do it, it was that my lungs couldn't do it.

Monday, September 20, 2010

Monday

I should be cleaning right now. Why? Well 10 min ago I found out that there will be a birthday party at my house tonight. Tomorrow is my older brother's birthday turning the big 32. My dad is coming in to town and as life goes it was all thrown together last minute. I have to go to work soon so I think I will just power clean after work. Most of what needs to be cleaned is just clutter around. Shoes on the floor, stacks of papers around. I do need to do a quick clean of the bathroom too. I figure its not really a big deal, my brother does totally deserve a party so it is worth it.

I spent the last hour driving around trying to find a cheaper car battery. I didn't really realize how expensive it was for a new battery. I am sure my current one is going to die on me any minute so I will need to make a decision soon (like today.)

Boot camp was good this morning. The trainer was late but called us and she has us start running the perimeter of the park. They said it was probably 2 miles. We didn't run the whole thing it was more of an off and on running thing. Afterwards we did a team exercise. We had to do 100 sit-ups, box jumps, superman's, and squats. But we did them collectively so I would do some and the other girl would do some. When we weren't doing the exercise we had to hold 5 lb weights straight up in the air. The other girl definitely pushes her self harder than me so she kind of picked up where I lacked. At some points I could have done more but when we reached our 100 we were done. This time she did let me do crunches with legs lifted instead of full sit-ups which I was so happy about because I still feel sore from Friday. Ok, no too sore today but yesterday my abs were killing me, it was painful to move. But maybe I will work up to the full sit-ups with this repetition. Overall I am glad I went back today.

Alright, time to change and go off to work.

Friday, September 17, 2010

Boot Camp Day 1

So I went to boot camp this morning. I went to bed last night at 8pm and I got plenty of sleep before my alarm went off this morning at 4:30am. I was surprised how easily I woke up despite the early hour. I went down to the park, found myself there a little early but soon saw a couple other girls show up. My class only has one other girl in it, which is why they wanted me to join right away. The trainers roommate also joins in the class but is much more advanced than us.

We start our warm up doing 10 squats, 10 pushups, and 10 sit-ups each 3 times. No problem I thought, then she said the sit-ups had to be all the way up. I can't do that, like literaly. I can do crunches 10 different ways but go from laying down to sitting up without using my hands! Your nuts. I guess she is training to be a detective and so for that you have to do full sit-ups so she now thinks its important. I did end up doing them but the last 10 took forever and a lot of my energy and self motivation to get through them.

Next up was a run. I don't know how long it was, seemed like forever but I didn't do too bad. I think my recent 5K training really helped. Though I don't think we even ran a quarter of a mile which makes me feel wimpy. Toward the end my breathing really got labored but I could still take full breaths so I didn't worry about it.

Next up was our actual workout. 100 jumping jacks, 75 lunges, 50 dips, and 25 burpies (jumping to the ground and then doing a push up.) I had to start on the jumping jacks. Have I told you how much I hate jumping jacks? I know I have. I think this was my downfall. All jumping jacks do is stress me out because I hate them and then get my heart rate up. I don't need my heart rate up because once it is up I have stop and get it to slow down before I keel over. I did get through my 100 jumping jacks and then tried to move on to the 50 dips. Normally 50 dips is no problem, it is just working your triceps. But I was already feeling nauseous from the jumping jacks and so as I push myself to do the dips I just keep feeling worse. Mentally I quit at 20 dips but did keep going to 40 dips. At that point I said no more and left.

The trainer was nice about it. Walked me to my car and encouraged me to come back on Monday because we do different stuff everyday. She says she will e-mail me to find out what I want to focus on so she can modify the routine and for me to let her know what exercises I do and don't like. I think I am going to have to mention the jumping jacks to her. Even just walking back to my car I started to realize how dizzy and nauseous I really was. On the way home I had to mentally remind myself I had no interest in throwing up. Even now, after a shower and drinking my iced down gatorade I still feel a little sick.

Now for those of you who the most you have seen the inside of a gym is watching Biggest Loser then I will let you know you are not actually supposed to vomit. I know that Jillian Micheals thinks it is great, even funny. But in reality it is probably because your body is not getting enough oxygen. I remember watching SWAT with Collin Farrell. At one point he is working out so many hours a day he threw up. I thought that was so cool, one day I wanted to work out that hard. And then comes Biggest Loser and they do it on there. But then I did some research, actually its not very good for your body. Means something is wrong. So with that knowledge I knew I couldn't keep pushing myself farther than my body wanted to go.

I do think I wasn't breathing enough. I remember while doing pushups a couple times realizing I was holding my breath. Then with jumping jacks I don't even know if I was breathing with everything moving around so much it is hard to keep track. Here I am at 7:15 am and I realize I should go back on Monday. I need to focus on my breathing and if we do something like this rotation again then see if I can split up the jumping jacks. Maybe if I did 20 at a time it wouldn't have been as hard on my body and I could have made it through everything instead of just the first step and a half. All I know is that I would rather spend two hours a day exhausting my body in the gym then feel that dizzy and nauseous at a boot camp. And yes even that meant I wouldn't loose anymore weight. I think those symptoms are like a yellow light you need to listen not just ignore them. Because listening to my body is more important than loosing a couple pounds.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Boot Camp

Yes you read that right I said Boot Camp. Long ago, must have been May or June I signed up through Groupon for a boot camp with Ultimate Boot Camp. I knew they had a huge response and I wanted to wait anyways till Oct or Nov to do the camp. Then in Aug Doozy of A Deal had a boot camp offer through Boot Camp Chicks. And I thought what's better then one month of boot camp then 2 months of boot camp, so I bought it.

Well I was think Oct and Nov for these camps so that I would look my best before Christmas, you know Holiday parties and all. But the Boot Camp Chicks last class is Sep 25th - Oct 22nd and then they have no classes till April. I thought no big deal, I kept forgetting to call. Or I would call and really it is just someone's cell phone and if she doesn't know the number she lets it go to voicemail. Anyways I finally sign up online on Tue night. I get a call while I am in the shower saying if you are planing on going to tomorrows class it is...and she gave me directions. I thought she must be mixed up and ignored it. Wed morning I call and get the voicemail of course and leave a message inquiring about the prev nights call and confirming I purchased through Doozy of A Deal. I get a call back later explaining that if I want I can start on Friday and that's why they called Tue night so I could start on Wed (even though that isn't what was said.) I agreed to go on friday because I am having some scheduling conflicts with the other boot camp.

So now I have a conundrum. After the phone call I realize that I think they are planning on shorting me the two days (The class is M,W,F.) So I would have 10 classes and end on Fri Oct 8th. Now I could probably easily get them to let me go my two additional classes on 10/11 and 10/13. The problem is the other boot camp that I wanted to take in Oct or Nov the last class of the year they have starts on 10/11. Otherwise I may have to wait till Jan. So do I short myself those two classes from the first group so I can just have it all together or will two months of this possibly make me crazy and I should split it up anyways.

Oh, and in case you are asking "why not do both for those two day." First of all that would be insane and second because both are from 5:30 am to 6:30 am. Yes, I said am. And for anyone that knows me knows that this is going to be a huge challenge in itself just to get myself out of bed every morning. Both groups have night classes but the classes start at 6pm and I don't get off work till 6 pm so that won't work. So what do you think. I am actually leaning toward the back to back classes and just ignoring the loss of two days. I got a great deal on these classes and so I really shouldn't be so stingy about it. Especially because both are pretty expensive and I don't think I could keep up the 5:30 am classes for more than two months.

So I start on Friday. And I have no idea how I am going to do it. I mean here I am on Wed night up at 12:30 am blogging. Maybe I will try to wake up early tomorrow (7 or 8) so I can get to sleep earlier in the evening. I have to be honest I am a little scared because I haven't really been going to the gym lately. I went on Mon but only did 30 min on the eliptical. But I also know that I can push myself. I do need to ask my friend Kandie about what she thinks I should eat before. My body isn't used to being up this early and I think I am going to confuse it.

Anyways, I will let you know how it goes on Friday.

Monday, September 13, 2010

A weekend of food

This weekend was a little different. I normally watch my sisters kids all day saturday and sunday. But she had a big test on Sat morning and so she and her husband decided to do a staycation saturday night. This meant I had Saturday morning to myself but then stayed at my sisters all night and all sunday. Because I normally don't have saturday's off I wanted to do something, often times for me that means eating out. I became more aware of this this weekend but I will tell you about that later.

Saturday morning I woke up and my brother was showing his art at like a sidewalk fair thing. So I went out and stopped at dunkin donuts and got two donuts. This didn't really work out well. I was still hungry afterwards because I was used to eating a real breakfast and their donuts were more expensive and yet weren't any better than what I sometimes get at QT. In fact they didn't even have any filled donuts there, how weird is that. I went and hung out with my brother and SIL for awhile and then came home. On the way home I was craving soda (probably due to the donuts) and stopped at Taco Bell for lunch. Delicious but totally not healthy. I got to watch a movie before heading over to my sisters. For dinner I went to Wendy's and got the club sandwich, my favorite! The problem is a also got a medium vanilla shake. I am literally still sick from eating that stupid shake. I new I shouldn't eat it. I knew it would be a bad idea but I just got it in my head and couldn't seem to get it out. The next morning was a protein bar because it was easy and then lunch we went to McDonald's.

For dinner I was on my own. I was driving home and all think about was Baja Fresh. I wanted the quesadilla or maybe the nacho's. But I new that it wasn't fiscally responsible even if it would be delicious. I convinced myself to go to fry's instead because for the same $9 for one meal and 12 oz of soda I could easily get a bag of chips, shredded cheese, and a 2 litter. So that's what I did. The problem is I was on my way home from my sisters house so I had all my stuff in my car from staying the night. So not until I got to my car with my bags did it even dawn on me that my laptop was in the back of my car! Now you may so, no big deal. But remember my drivers window is stuck down so my car is never secure plus my windows are not tinted. Now thank GOD it was still there. But I still can't believe I left it there. I was so single minded toward getting the food and soda that I thought of nothing else. Not even my favorite position. Seriously if my house was on fire, bible's are cheap a new laptop not so much. Oh, and all my pictures on my laptop to so that just ads to the value.

After this happened I could think about was that morning's bible study. We are in Revelations and were discussing how during the tribulation Christians will die for their belief's and that you have to decide now what you will do if it happens not wait till the moment happens. Like with teenagers; they need to decide now if they will be abstinent not while they are in the "heat" of the moment. In class the discussion then turned into other parts of our lives where sin is a problem listing things like drugs, alcohol and porn. But for me it is food. Sat night the idea of the frosty entered my head and I couldn't seem to kick it out. I had actually been wanting to go to Dairy Queen all day and kept trying push away the thought but then I found myself at Wendy's and it was like my "drug" of choice was right there in front of me totally available. I have heard same thing about how I forgot about my computer people who are thinking about the alcohol or the drugs forget important things like their kids. And I know my computer is not as important as a kid but honestly where my head was if Tirso was in the back I just pray the Holy Spirit would have stopped me to remember him. I know it is awful to say and I almost don't want to post it but I think it is a real problem. ... I don't want food to control my life. I can't let it. And don't really know what I can do but be aware and the more I stop myself hopefully I learn to retrain my brain. I don't know though.

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As I said I was with my nephews and I realize how important food is to me. See in my head (because I was already obsessing over it) that going to Dairy Queen would be a treat for them. But they didn't really care because it is just food to them. And then the next day I took them to Arrowhead because I wanted to hang out with my friend and her son and my youngest nephew could play together. And I felt bad that they had such a bad time that again I just kept thinking that maybe food would fix it. I could take them to taco bell or mcdonalds or something and it would fix. And I had remind myself that where in my head going out to eat is this big treat and special that for them its just food. I mean they like it and bug me sometimes to go instead of have PB&J but if they are not hungry they don't keep eating. They would prefer pants, shirts, hats, silly bands, etc. And this really made me realize how food is just...I don't like mentally I am messed up. I hate saying I bad relationship with food because that is part of the problem food is food it shouldn't affect me like this.

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oh and on a side note after realizing I had left the computer in the car I had no desire to eat the nacho's and then soda bottle is still sealed in my fridge.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

It begins

So I went to three stores; Whole Foods, Sunflower, and Sam's Club. I have spent my entire monthly budget for food already but I have no reason to step into a grocery store for 3 weeks. And even then it will just be for milk and yogurt. I decided not to buy any soda. I have already been struggling with this decision the last few days feeling tired and blah. But I think after some time passes that I will be ok. My brother and sister-in-law gave up caffeine awhile ago and they agree that the first few weeks are tough but then you get through it. I know I need to make sure I get enough sleep each night plus with going to the gym that should help with my energy level to.

Yesterday my friend had to teach a BodyPump class and wanted me to come so of course I did. We got there a little early so we jumped into the last 20 min of a Zumba class, then did her class, and then tried to do this martial arts type class. I only made it about 15 min and then had to quit. It had been 3 weeks since I last worked out plus I pushed myself pretty hard in the BodyPump class. Today I am feeling pretty sore in my legs but that is good. It reminds me how I need to get back in the gym. Reminds me that I do enjoy working out. Plus today my pants feel a little tighter, I think I went up another inch! Totally not cool! So back to what I know is healthy. Oh and I changed my 90 day board. I have always had it say "90 days to Victory" but I changed it to "My body is a temple." Because it is, it is God's temple and I am not treating it very nicely. So over the next 90...82 days I will not stress about my weight or calories and instead eat healthy and go to the gym to be healthy and strengthen my heart.

I do think that for the first week that it will be tough. I have been eating whatever I can, whenever. Which means my calorie intake is probably way to high. So going back down to a reasonable calorie intake will be hard. Plus the caffeine withdraw this week. And then adding in the exercise. As I type it all out I realize it is a lot to do all at once but I also know I have done this before. It is a routine and lifestyle I had for 2 months (I did drink soda though.) I think I can do it. And when it gets tough I need to remember to just trust and lean on God because He can help me through.

Saturday, September 4, 2010

Do you have a list?

Recently I had been searching for books about running a 5K. A book came up called "The Next Thing on My List." I checked it out from the library without really knowing what it was. Turns out it was a fiction novel about a woman, June, who gives someone a ride home but then a tragic accident happens and the passenger dies. The passenger had a list of things to do before turning 25 and so June decides to finish the list for her. It was a really good book. Some of it predictable and some it was a total shocker.

The idea of having a list is such a recuring theme in many movies; The Bucket List, Last Holiday, and A Walk to Remember are just few that come to mind. When "A Walk to Remember" came out I tried to make a list of 100 things, I think I only got to about 30. Then when "Last Holiday" came out I loved the idea of a book of possibilities and so I made one. I used some of the idea's from my original list (which is actually tucked in the first page of the book) and I added new idea's to my book. I watched "Bucket List" but everything seemed so big so I didn't really get inspired by it. But here I am reading this book and again a list comes up. Most of the things she writes down aren't too big; run a 5K, go on a blind date, ride in a helicopter. Some are bigger; loose 100 lbs (she did before dying), make a difference in someone's life, take mom & grandma to a concert.

Last night I was looking at my list/book again. I have done a few things but not very many. I start to wonder why not. Some things are bigger than others but there is no reason why I shouldn't put some effort toward completing some of these tasks.

On one of the blogs I follow (Likeawarmcupofcoffee.com)the woman made a goal to learn one new skill every month. Things like changing a tire, how to quilt, french braid daughters hair, and make homemade candles. I love that idea too. Focus on 1 thing at a time but give yourself a date to complete it by. The link is here is you want to take a look: http://www.likeawarmcupofcoffee.com/home/2010/08/12-new-things/

I think I have decided on three things to focus on for right now but I haven't come up with a date of completion yet. First, start saving to go to Seattle. I have mentioned this before to you. I have wanted to go to Seattle since...I think since I was 16 or so. I don't know why but it has been my obsession to go and then other things come up and I haven't made it. But I want it to be my prority. So when I make money babysitting (besides my sister because that is part regular income) I will save it. I already got started. On Wed night at church I do nursery during choir which pays me $6 a week. And then last night a family from work I sometimes babysit for called me up. So that money goes right toward my fund. I don't know exactly how long it will take but I am going to do this.

Second is to learn spanish. It is so important here in AZ. And yes I have gotten by without it but would really like to know more. The school I work for even focuses on teaching spanish and sometimes 3rd & 4th graders know more spanish than I do. My dad had gotten a spanish set of disks and lent them to me since he had already loaded them on his computer. So I am going to start going through the disks and working on it. And then if I have any specific questions I know that the spanish teachers at work would be happy to help. I don't think I will be fluent anytime soon but a basic knowledge could deffinitly help.

Third. Ok this one is hard and I almost don't want to mention it. School. I want my associates degree. I think I am about 18 credits from a general AA. I don't have much of a desire to go back to classes but I think that an AA could help me advance here and in future jobs. So I am going to start looking into which credits I need to do this. Figure out what it would take for my degree.

So there they are three things on my list I am currently working toward. I think there are a great place to start. Have you writen list? Are there goals or skills you are trying to acheive? I need to refresh my list, meeting Ben Affleck and getting on Road Rules aren't really something I want to acheive anymore. But I plan to post my list by next week. What's is on your list? Do you have any recomendations for my list?

Blog Avoidence

*I wrote this at my sisters house and her computer does not spell check. So yes I know many spelling errors.

So I have been meaning to post this all week. I keep meaning to and then finding, something, anything else to do instead. After 90 days I ended up at 260 lbs (about 5 lb gain) and no inches lost. This did not come as a surprise as I did not exercise for the last 2 1/2 weeks of the 90 days as well as I binge ate the last week too. So no changes because I self sabatoged.

I have decided to stop stressing about everything. I do want to be healthy but this constant obsession is not doing me well. I am going to make my food easier, less options and less waste on food I don't even like.

I always wish I was a cook. That I cared enough to spend my time cooking a great meal but I just don't like to. I can follow a recipe. I have even cooked Thanksgiving a couple times. But even the steps to make a salad every day for work is a pain to me. Then by the time I get around to doing it all the stuff has gone bad and its like throwing money down the drain. I know that I do this every once in awhile. I get it in my head that if I cooked full meals then that would be the key to someone loving me, but honestly that is just silly. I like simple. It drives me crazy to spend 20-30 min making a burger and fries that take me four min to eat. Or even an egg and sausage that take 8-10 min to cook and 2 min to eat. I think that if I had someone to cook for maybe it would give me a reason to cook. But of course this makes me realize why my mom always hated that we weren't more appreciative of her cooking. She spent time and effort and we, ok I didn't appreciate it. Ah, things to look forward to. :)

This last week I have not gone to the gym. I can't believe it either. And the longer I don't go I find I don't have the desire to go any more. I know I need to go. I know it keeps me healthy but when considering what to do on Friday night going to the gym didn't even cross my mind. I don't like it. The gym is important and I need to treat it that way. So goal next week is to go 3 times minimum.

With a change of what I am eating to something simpler I need to clean out what I currently have. Which means eating all the stuff I have in my fridge, freezer, and cabnets. I of course ate all the snacking stuff first; popcorn, chips, crackers, etc. Now I am getting a little more creative with my meals. I did have to go to Fry's to get some more milk for the boxes of cereal I have. (The new Signature Fry's is 1 mile from my work so I was looking for an excuse to go.) On Thursday night I was going through the freezer and I found something I bought from Trader Joes. It was a seafood stew with shrimp, clams, mussles, and cod. It was ok, but kind of weird. I really tried to eat it all but some did end up down the disposal. :( But I was glad I tried it. There is a lot of chicken in my freezer and a totinoes pizza that I think has been in their for over a year. Most of the random stuff is gone now and I am finding more room in my cabnet and freezer now.

The next step is figuring out what to eat now. Ok, I do pretty much have that figured out. I am always running late so breakfast has to be edible on the go. Lunch has to be portable as I am never home for lunch. Literally, 7 days a week I am not home to eat lunch. Dinners can be more flexible but I want to keep them simple. I like to go to the gym in the evenings but not during rush hour. So I get off at 6 pm, go home and eat and then go to the gym. But if dinner takes 30-60 min to make then that pushes back when I can go to the gym which pushes when I get to bed. So simple things; cereal, eggs, burgers, spaggetti, toquitoes. I really just want to fall into a routine with my food instead of constantly worring about it. Honestly that is how I lost the first 50 lbs, I wasn't paying attention. I was just trying to eat healthy and yet enjoy what I ate.

So I actually shouldn't have any posts about weight loss for at least the next 90 days. In 90 days I am again going to stop and see where I am and adjust accordingly. But besides that I want to focus on other things in my life.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Busy Days

This week has been very long. I think I worked about 52 hours. This was 52 hours with aprox 9 kids, 7 being under the age of five. Most of it was actually pretty easy. On Thursday we all went a little crazy but it was all good by Friday. I have two more days with the 8 - 9 hour schedule and then school starts on Wed and I go back to my 4 1/2 hour work days. I can say I pretty excited about the paycheck I will get but I definitely don't miss working full time.

I have not worked out all week. I haven't worked out since last wednesday, that is 12 days with out working out. Though I am not too concerned. I keep wanting to go but I am just so tired at the end of the day that I don't make it. I think I won't start again till Wed when I am at my normal schedule but I want to try and go Mon. I am a little more used to working the long schedule now so maybe I can handle it.

Although I haven't weighed myself officially I think I have gone up an inch in size and gained maybe 5 lbs. But I haven't eaten very well so I am not surprised or concerned. I think I will still weigh in next week as planned. It will be the end of my 90 days so time for weight, measurements, and a new 90 day plan. I am kind of excited about setting some new goals and having the new school year start.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Randomness

It is raining outside. I sit in my room listening to the sound of raindrops on my tin roof and smell the rain as the air conditioner circulates air through the house. It is relaxing and makes me meditative. Pleasant memories come to mind when I think about the rain. And oh how I love the smell of rain. :)

My mothers birthday was on 8/8. I didn't really think of it. We mark down and celebrate birthday's to bring joy to those we love. But my mother has been dead for 8 years so I don't understand why I am expected to remember this day. My aunt and cousin thought it was crazy I didn't remember and my sister even thought it was weird. It is not like I don't remember mother. About my bed there are a few shelfs on which I have placed different mementos to remember this, several from my mother. A carousel horse she made (she loved carousel horses) as well as a wooden oval that has Raggedy Ann on it that I remember always being in my mothers kitchen. But even further I have a picture of her and my dad right above my bed. I see it every day, in fact multiple times during the day. ...I don't want to offend anyone if this what you do, then I hope it works for you. But personally I don't need to spend two days a year (birth and death dates) weeping over my mother. She will always be part of me (whether I like it or not) and I often wish she was here. But she is safely in heaven and I don't think she would be offended one bit that I don't stop to be depressed openly weep for her on those dates.

*On a side note. You may have noticed I changed some stuff on my blog design. Well now my spell check isn't working. This totally isn't cool! Actually it is totally frustrating. With my dyslexia I often spell basic words wrong so spell check is a life saver. I have figure this one out immediately.

I am two days back into work. I think I mentioned the first 7 days will be 8-9 hr days and then I will go back to my 4 1/2 hr days. I am watching 9 kids, all of them are teacher kids. Most of them are pretty close in age which is good; a 3y, 4y, four 5y, 10y, and 11y. A few of them are siblings so fighting of course and 3 are girls and the other 6 are boys. It been interesting, not too hard. They get loud and don't listen to me but I knew that before I took the hours. The teachers all tell me how surprised they are I can handle it all day. Though I usually want to reply, I don't know how they handle teaching a class. I think about all the stuff they have to do. I mean they have to actually get the kids to learn things. I pretty much just babysit them. I come up with a few activities and try to transition to something new before they get too bored which causes them to fight. But I don't think I could keep control of 20-30 students and get them to focus all day on math and english and science. That is the hard part. I know I can't work part time forever and so I keep thinking about teacher but I don't know if I could handle it. At the school I work at they do a lot of team teaching which I think would make it less scary but that doesn't happen at most schools. You are just thrown in the wolves. Eek!!

Being back at school is interesting. Since the last day of school I have cut my hair which is different. I have worked out a lot but haven't lost any actual weight or inches. Actually I still haven't been to the gym since last wed and I still am not eating very well. So the last couple days when I see teachers again who haven't seen me all summer (and some that have) they like to tell me how thin I look and how cute my hair is. Like every time some tells me how thin I look my brain just stops. I know I haven't lost weight since you last saw. I did loose weight over the school year but are they just being nice. Do they just picture me bigger in their head so then seeing me again makes me seem smaller? I don't know. So then I don't know how to respond. It is awful and embarrassing. I am I supposed to say that to people. "oh you are looking so thin!" when I really have no idea. See I have total body distortion. I can't tell when people loose weight or I loose weight, I just don't see it. I try to sometimes. Like this woman at church went on HCG and lost list 80 lbs in 40 days or something crazy. I didn't notice because I can't see it. I just can't tell. I don't know why and I don't know if it is a good or bad thing, its just a thing. In fact lately I really can't tell age. I am 28 but I can not tell you if some one is in their 20's or 30's. You know how sometimes people want you to guess their age. I won't do it. It is like me literally just blindly picking a number. Do you know how hard this makes finding a guy?! Seriously I was flirting with this guy at church once and I found out later he is like 7 years younger than me. I had no idea, I thought he was around my age. Stupid, no wonder he wasn't interested. I like to think that I think that people are just people no matter their age or size it is their personality that matters. But I have a feeling I just have body distortion issues due to my personal weight issues. I know fun, right! :)

I do like to see that I encourage other people to loose weight. A few people at church have seen me loose weight and it helps them feel like they can do it too. All my exercising also sent my sister in law and brother into regular exercise as well. I do love to see this. I am glad that I can encourage people to strive for their health goals. Sometimes I hate it though. I know I haven't lost weight since like, I don't know it feels like forever. So when people ask at first I didn't know what to say. Now I always refer to my total number because it sounds good. Saying "I lost 60 lbs over the last 14 months" sounds better than "not a pound in the last six months." I know totally negative but it is true. Frustratingly true!

Ok, enough about that. Whine whine whine! Bleh!

I should be sleeping. It is 10pm and I have to be to work by 8am. It is weird going to work so early but I have found that bed early and soda in the morning really do the trick and I am good to go all day long.

So I was cleaning my living room this evening. It was way past due. I have this stack of magazines. See I subscribe to magazines but I never really read them. I usually flip through reading like the blurbs but never the articles. So I always put it aside thinking, "Hey I will read it later." Then of course I never get to it. I have like a dozen books out from the library but I don't seem to be interested in reading them. You know how you have to be in the right mood. So instead I have been reading my magazines. Right now I am working my way through my Oprah magazines. I think next is my Home Journal because honestly I don't usually even like the articles in that one; I have no idea why I subscribed hopefully I didn't pay much. I also get Fitness, Self, and Christianity Today. I will say I think have successfully unsubscribed to all of these magazines. And I kind of like to keep the stack near by so that when I feel like subscribing to something new I can just look at the pile of magazines I have yet to read.

Another thing I need to work on again is my budget. I don't know how people do it. I always make a budget, follow it for 1-2 months and then it falls through the cracks. I have tried several methods but I always seem to get lazy about it. So here I am again needing to go through everything and figure out how I will pay for stuff. In one of the Oprah magazines I read today they had this article about budgets. It said you should list everything under a 1. Really NEED, really LOVE 2. Really need, don't Love 3. Don't need, Really LOVE 4. Don't need, Don't Love. And then when making a budget or really when you buy everything you just follow this. Finding out how important it really is too you. It is based on the statement that the average person makes $700,000 in a lifetime, how are you going to spend yours? Even as I write this I feel like $700,000 is a ridiculous number so just pulled out my calculator. If you start working at 16 and are lucky enough to retire at 65 (I hear retirement for SS is going up to 70 soon) it means you will work 49 years. If you made an average of $15,000 a year you would reach $700,000. I know I make less than that now working part time but when I was full time I made nearly double that. I do realize that this isn't very practical though. Most of my "spare cash" goes to food. When standing in a grocery store deciding if I should buy the ice cream will I really stop to use this? I doubt it. I think with my food addiction the only way it would work is if I ordered food online or made a list to have someone else shop for me so that I was in the store tempted. Like today I went to Trader Joe's just to get a couple things and I walk out with a full bag of stuff. I will eat and most of it is pretty healthy but I didn't Need it, I had food at home, and I am not sure I could say I Love any of it either. Sure it will taste good but its not the best food I have ever had.

I have been watching this show Huge it is on ABC Family. It is about kids at a fat camp. I like it. It is cute and funny. But in the story the camp director used to be overweight and went to that camp herself as a kid. In this weeks show she goes to an overeaters anonymous meeting where she celebrates her 7th year as part of the program. And after this past week I feel like maybe that is a program I should look into. I mean, I started watching what I ate and then I all of a sudden go off the deep end. I can't even tell you how much I have eaten. Whether I am out or stay home I find someway to binge eat over the last week. I know it is bad but it's like I can't help myself. It is very frustrating. Like tonight I should have gone to the gym. I wasn't that tired from work and I had the time but no, instead I watched 3 hrs of tv and then just spent the last hour blogging to the world.

Bleh! I know more negative. Sorry I didn't know it would turn out so whiney.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Repeating the Past

You know how they say "If you always do what you've always done you always get what you you've already got." I feel like that is my motto for last week.

So the goal was to not weigh in for three weeks and instead focus on my food. I tracked my food for 2 days and then my food went haywire. I ate out like...I think 6 times this week. Which is way excessive for me. I don't even have the money. I like new it was stupid and still would eat out. And then when I eat bad whether it is out or at home I can never get myself to write down anything. So I was good actually I was great the first couple days of the week and then down the tubes. I almost wanted to weigh in to show myself how much weight I gained because I was an idiot but I just figure I should just get back on the wagon, do what I know I need to do and wait to weigh in.

I just hate watching my calories. It is so...restrictive. Watching everything and doing good and then beating myself up over something stupid. Like my calories are good but I don't get enough protein. Or whatever. So no more tracking. I need to just listen to my body. Feed it what it needs when it needs it. If I fill my fridge with healthy food then that is what I will be eating so nit picking each thing is silly. It is like when I was like 19 or 20 I went to the dr and they said I had high blood pressure. The guy wanted to put me on meds for it and I was like no. So I had to come back in a month to show improvement. So I ate healthier and exercised and when i went in it was down. The dr asks what I eat for lunch and I say sandwhich with meat and cheese, chips, and water. And goes "you should really cut out the chips." That was it. Not good job or anything positive just told me what I was still doing wrong. It was stupid though because before that I was going out to eat every day eating hamburgers and fries. It felt like there was no point because my good choices are still just not good enough.

Anyways. ;) So no weigh in this weekend. My pants are still feeling fine. I pushed myself at the gym at the begining of the week. I went to a yoga class and another Zumba class at my gym and I think on Tue with the yoga class and doing my strength I was there almost 2 1/2 hrs. On Wed I did a Body Pump class that my friend was teaching. It was really tough and I was feeling the it in my back and shoulders the rest of the day. But I haven't been back since. So 4 days without the gym. :( Not good I know. I need to go tonight. They close at 9pm and I think I am just going to do some cardio today to get myself started again. This week I go back to work. I am going to watch teacher kids so I will actually work a full 40 hours. So I don't know how I am going to do it. I hate going at peak time and I will be getting off work right at 4 or 4:30. So that puts me at peak but I don't know if I go home I will make it back out the door to go to the gym later. So we will see. I need to get back in there and keep up with my strength and cardio training. Plus I really do want to see if I can run a 5K by Oct for the Susan G Koman Race. I need to be a little more routine with that training schedule too. Oh, but I have stopped using my inhaler. I bring it along in case I have a problem but so far none which is great because it means that my lungs are healthier then they were two months ago before I started going to the gym. So yea to that!

Sunday, August 8, 2010

The Final Stretch

So I weighed myself saturday and like I thought I gained weight. I gained 3.5 lbs taking me to 257 lbs. My waist remains at 49". I didn't stress about it at because I knew that I hadn't been eating well and had eaten a lot salt so no biggie. I was writing it down on my 90 day plan calendar and noticed that I have 3 weeks left in this set of 90 days. I started out at 255 lbs and have stayed right around their the entire time. I still really want to get below 250 by the end of the 90 days.

I have decided to do two things different. First, I am not weighing in until day 90 which is on August 28th. I think this will help so I am not so stressed about the number on sat night. Plus the fluctuations I think are messing with my head. I mean I got down to 254 and then stress out again and gain again. I think I am scared of getting under 250. But maybe if I just focus on being healthy instead of a number then I will find myself on the other side of the imaginary wall I have built.

Second, I need to focus more on being healthy. This week I read an interview by Kelly Rippa that said her Dr sister once told her that when she exercises she should be focusing on the inside not the outside. That every time she steps into a gym it is to make her heart healthy and the number on the scale will just naturally follow. And I think that is a great mind set and I am going to try to tell myself that when I go in the gym because often times I am thinking all about the calories I am burning. Which is important but as my aunt pointed out to me when I ran into her today that today was my mother's birthday, which I didn't even remember because its been 8 years since she died of a heart attack. That really that is what I really want to prevent. I don't want a heart attack before age 50 so much more than I want to fit into a size 16.

I think I mentioned before I have this book called "FitBook." It is very detailed in what you put down, all your food and exercises each day. So my challenge for myself is to write everything down for the next 3 weeks. I want to see exactly how many calories am I eating, how much fat and protein. Am I getting any fruits and veggies in? I am also going to track my exercise so I can see exactly how often I increase weights and make sure I am being consistent with my gym workouts. I think the biggest challenge of this is my work. This week I have off again, week 2 I work 40 hours 8-5, and then week 3 I go back to regular school schedule of 11:30- 6:30. So with my schedule so random I think it will be easy to make excuses not to write in it but also that it is the perfect time to write it all down to keep me on track even when life is a little crazy.

Speaking of challenges. Last week's challenge was to go to at least one but hopefully two classes at my gym. I only ended up at one and that was because I was meeting a friend. I went to Zumba class on Thursday morning. It was weird and frustrating because I couldn't tell what I was supposed to be doing and the teacher kept stopping and being weird. I need to try it with someone else before I give a final judgement on Zumba. I tried to make it to a 9:30 am cycle class on Friday but I slept in too late and so I got their exactly at 9:30 and the class was already full. I do need to start learning to wake up earlier so I am going to try to make it to a couple classes this week as well. But my biggest challenge to me is write everything down.

In reference to my last post. I did not work out sat or sun. I do plan to go back again tomorrow. The only book on tape I have is the bible so I pulled that out and loaded Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John onto my ipod. I figured that would get me through the week and I think I may do Psalms and Proverbs next. This is so that I am not reading, in case that was causing my dizziness. I also plan to focus a little more on breathing and if at any point start feeling dizzy to stop my ipod and focus directly on breathing during the exercise. I am hoping this should help take care of things. The other thought I had concerning this is I was diagnosed with "exercise induced asthma" so I use an inhaler before exercising every time. Well I have been trying to take myself off from it unless for an emergency so the same two times I got dizzy I hadn't pre-used my inhaler. I didn't directly link it before because I use the inhaler when I feel my chest tighten and hard to breath. But if I am dizzy because not enough air then maybe it is part of the problem. In which case I need to just work through it because you aren't actually supposed to use an "emergency inhaler" daily. So I don't know we will see. Who knows maybe I just need more water, I probably drink less now that I'm not working because I don't think about it as much.

I still plan to post each week even if I don't have a number so I will let you know how it is going soon.

Saturday, August 7, 2010

Weak

This week between the 1-2 of exercise every day and an extremely stressful situation I am dealing with my body seems to be upset. I try to pay attention to my body. Like when I have a headache, why do I have a headache. For the last two day while doing cardio I have gotten a headache and begun to feel dizzy. I had been reading both times so maybe it was that, and I hadn't eaten much before either workout either so maybe that. I only worked out about 30 min today on a bike and was feeling awful. It's not like I have a cold but my whole body feels week, tired, and dizzy. I took advil but it didn't make the headache go away. I had originally planned to go again later in the evening but I decided a day off would be better. I didn't think you could do too much cardio and I have been getting plenty of fluids and trying breath right but maybe I wasn't breathing right while I was reading. And then I think maybe it is the stress that is causing some of this. I am not sure.

I know I am supposed to switch from binging and shopping when stressed to exercising. And I have been doing that this week but... this just makes life more frustrating. So I may take a couple days off from the gym, it will depend on how I feel tomorrow night. I don't think tomorrow will be a good weigh in either. I ate salty popcorn today and went out to Chili's tonight for dinner. Both times I was halfway through eating and I go duh, tomorrow is weigh in day this was stupid. But mostly I am trying to relax and don't even care about the number on the scale. I just want my body to calm down. I need to relax because I know my body shouldn't feel like this.

Saturday, July 31, 2010

Weekly Weigh-In

I am so excited to post that I lost 6 lbs this week!! It takes me down to 254, which isn't my lowest but only 2 lbs higher so I am really excited. My waist stayed the same at 49" so that is good too. Someone asked me about my other measurements and I realized I don't think I have posted about that. From time to time I take all my measurements; neck, arms, chest, legs the whole deal. Right now I try to give myself 90 day goals, which I have mentioned before. Anyways I take my full measurements every 90 days right now. So I have 1 more month till I take them again.

Today my friend came with me to the gym. At 24 hour fitness you can send friends a pass to try the gym for 24 days. So I sent one to my friend. She came with me tonight and I learned some new stuff and got a new strength routine to mix in with my other strength routine. I think this will help me not get so complacent and its good for the muscles. But really I just had a lot of fun. Normally I go by myself and keep the ipod in not talking to anyone and so having a friend along was awesome! Because the pass is for a month we will probably get together a few more times to work out. I am so excited!

I have worked out for the last 6 days so tomorrow is my day off from exercise. One thing my friend challenged me to do is to try some of the fitness classes they have. So far I have been scared of them because I don't know if I can do a full hour or 45 min of cycling. But as she likes to tell me I am pretty hard core. And I know that if I am in the right mindset I can push myself. So I have a goal of going to at least 1 class but I am going to shoot for 2 classes some time this week. I am pretty much completely free the next two weeks so I want to take advantage of the flexibility of my schedule to help push myself into the classes. I think I will enjoy them, its just starting them that is a little scary.

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Staycation (sort of)

I am sorry about my last post. I know dramatic but really just me being an emotional girl. As I think I have mentioned before I have three weeks off from work. Here is how the week has gone so far.

Sunday: I was still upset and frustrated. I know that normalcy helps me heal so I went on my regular schedule. I got up and went and got my niece and nephews and went to church. I spent half of service with tears streaming down my face. I watched the kids and then hung out for a little while after my sister got home. That night I tried to relax. I exfoliated and shaved, used a mud mask and took a milk bath. It was lovely and relaxing.

Monday: I had a side babysitting job in the morning (with kids I love to watch) and then went baby shopping for Mylinda's baby shower. I went to Buy Buy Baby, there was so much fun stuff it was hard to pick what to get.

Tuesday: This was my pamper me day. I got up around 9am, got dressed in a pretty yellow sundress I wore to my sisters wedding. I had a quick breakfast and then went out. I had an appointment at Sundrops Nail Spot. It is a small place out near Biltmore at 40th St and Camelback. I had a coconut pedicure and then a brow threading. Overall I am happy with it but mostly disappointed. The location is beautiful and fun music and such. The woman who did my pedicure talked a lot all about her upsale options and when I tried to steer the conversation somewhere else she tied it back into making her more money. She did something, maybe cutting my cuticles and then sprayed something on my toes which was very painful. I think it was the most painful pedicure I have ever had (not that I have had a lot but still it sucked.) Next was the eyebrow threading. When I did waxing I always broke out and was red for days. So I thought hey lets try this. Overall threading does seem to be a bit more painful because it takes longer but it creates the same desired effect. They seemed to have a new chair and didn't know how to use it. The woman was short and they couldn't figure out how to lower it so I had to slouch in the chair plus because the chair was so high my feet dangled so it created this awful crink in my back. I could tell the lighting wasn't very good so she was having some problems and then she kept draping the string across me which at one point wrapped around one of the jewels on my dress which then took her 2 min to figure out how to unwrap it. I think it would be a great place for party/pre wedding pedicure location. I just would not want this woman to do my work, I am sure they have staff there.

After that I went over to Biltmore Fashion Park and walked around all the shops. It was lots of fun looking at everything. It was actually like a walk down memory lane. Frog figurines from Maui, William Sonoma like my first job at a kitchen store, and Cheesecake Factory oh so many memories there. It was a lovely morning. I stopped at Harkins and watched the new movie Salt. I found it very disappointing and the ending was bad. I got home and had a two free hours so I did a quick change and went to the gym. I got back and took a quick shower then got back in my cute sundress to go to a Mary Kay party. My good friend Mylinda now does Mary Kay and invited my to a party. It was more like a recruitment party than anything else but I still had fun hanging out with girls and seeing how excited Mylinda and Lia are about their new opportunities with Mary Kay.

Wednesday: I was able to go into work for a few hours thanks to my awesome boss. She didn't want me to come in till after 11 am. I slept in till about 10:30 and then casually got ready for work. I got there about 11:30 and stayed till about 4:30 so a good 4 hours of work. It wasn't exciting, cleaning toys but hey work is work. I had church in the evening and then gym afterwards. I love being a member of 24 hour fitness because I didn't get to the gym till 10 pm and then didn't leave till 11:30 pm. But I like working out while the gym is mostly empty.

Thursday: I had stayed up so late Wed night I slept in this morning. I was supposed to meet my friend Kandie at 11 am to hang out but I didn't wake up till she called at 11:15 am. It was ok though. We had lots of fun. We watched Footloose, which I hadn't seen before. Then went the pool for a little while and then came back in and watched Win a Date with Tad Hamilton. It was a lot of fun hanging out with her and her son and then her husband when he came home from work.

Friday I babysit again and then Sat and Sun I watch my niece and nephews again. Next wed I have an apt for a facial and shampoo treatment. Plus I have tentative plans to hang out with Kandie again next week and maybe watch Twilight and New Moon.

I keep going to the gym and working out. Kandie is a personal trainer so I am going to have her help me with my work out. Plus she thinks I need more protein in my diet so I am going to look into that as well. In addition I have also added some extra cardio on my strength day. I have been helping with the Susan G Komen Race for the Cure for a few years now. And when looking up some info I decided that maybe I could start training to run the 5K for the Race for the Cure. So I found a six week plan to help me train for it and started on Monday. So we will see how that goes.

I think that is it for now. I will post again on Sat night after my weigh in.