It is raining outside. I sit in my room listening to the sound of raindrops on my tin roof and smell the rain as the air conditioner circulates air through the house. It is relaxing and makes me meditative. Pleasant memories come to mind when I think about the rain. And oh how I love the smell of rain. :)
My mothers birthday was on 8/8. I didn't really think of it. We mark down and celebrate birthday's to bring joy to those we love. But my mother has been dead for 8 years so I don't understand why I am expected to remember this day. My aunt and cousin thought it was crazy I didn't remember and my sister even thought it was weird. It is not like I don't remember mother. About my bed there are a few shelfs on which I have placed different mementos to remember this, several from my mother. A carousel horse she made (she loved carousel horses) as well as a wooden oval that has Raggedy Ann on it that I remember always being in my mothers kitchen. But even further I have a picture of her and my dad right above my bed. I see it every day, in fact multiple times during the day. ...I don't want to offend anyone if this what you do, then I hope it works for you. But personally I don't need to spend two days a year (birth and death dates) weeping over my mother. She will always be part of me (whether I like it or not) and I often wish she was here. But she is safely in heaven and I don't think she would be offended one bit that I don't stop to be depressed openly weep for her on those dates.
*On a side note. You may have noticed I changed some stuff on my blog design. Well now my spell check isn't working. This totally isn't cool! Actually it is totally frustrating. With my dyslexia I often spell basic words wrong so spell check is a life saver. I have figure this one out immediately.
I am two days back into work. I think I mentioned the first 7 days will be 8-9 hr days and then I will go back to my 4 1/2 hr days. I am watching 9 kids, all of them are teacher kids. Most of them are pretty close in age which is good; a 3y, 4y, four 5y, 10y, and 11y. A few of them are siblings so fighting of course and 3 are girls and the other 6 are boys. It been interesting, not too hard. They get loud and don't listen to me but I knew that before I took the hours. The teachers all tell me how surprised they are I can handle it all day. Though I usually want to reply, I don't know how they handle teaching a class. I think about all the stuff they have to do. I mean they have to actually get the kids to learn things. I pretty much just babysit them. I come up with a few activities and try to transition to something new before they get too bored which causes them to fight. But I don't think I could keep control of 20-30 students and get them to focus all day on math and english and science. That is the hard part. I know I can't work part time forever and so I keep thinking about teacher but I don't know if I could handle it. At the school I work at they do a lot of team teaching which I think would make it less scary but that doesn't happen at most schools. You are just thrown in the wolves. Eek!!
Being back at school is interesting. Since the last day of school I have cut my hair which is different. I have worked out a lot but haven't lost any actual weight or inches. Actually I still haven't been to the gym since last wed and I still am not eating very well. So the last couple days when I see teachers again who haven't seen me all summer (and some that have) they like to tell me how thin I look and how cute my hair is. Like every time some tells me how thin I look my brain just stops. I know I haven't lost weight since you last saw. I did loose weight over the school year but are they just being nice. Do they just picture me bigger in their head so then seeing me again makes me seem smaller? I don't know. So then I don't know how to respond. It is awful and embarrassing. I am I supposed to say that to people. "oh you are looking so thin!" when I really have no idea. See I have total body distortion. I can't tell when people loose weight or I loose weight, I just don't see it. I try to sometimes. Like this woman at church went on HCG and lost list 80 lbs in 40 days or something crazy. I didn't notice because I can't see it. I just can't tell. I don't know why and I don't know if it is a good or bad thing, its just a thing. In fact lately I really can't tell age. I am 28 but I can not tell you if some one is in their 20's or 30's. You know how sometimes people want you to guess their age. I won't do it. It is like me literally just blindly picking a number. Do you know how hard this makes finding a guy?! Seriously I was flirting with this guy at church once and I found out later he is like 7 years younger than me. I had no idea, I thought he was around my age. Stupid, no wonder he wasn't interested. I like to think that I think that people are just people no matter their age or size it is their personality that matters. But I have a feeling I just have body distortion issues due to my personal weight issues. I know fun, right! :)
I do like to see that I encourage other people to loose weight. A few people at church have seen me loose weight and it helps them feel like they can do it too. All my exercising also sent my sister in law and brother into regular exercise as well. I do love to see this. I am glad that I can encourage people to strive for their health goals. Sometimes I hate it though. I know I haven't lost weight since like, I don't know it feels like forever. So when people ask at first I didn't know what to say. Now I always refer to my total number because it sounds good. Saying "I lost 60 lbs over the last 14 months" sounds better than "not a pound in the last six months." I know totally negative but it is true. Frustratingly true!
Ok, enough about that. Whine whine whine! Bleh!
I should be sleeping. It is 10pm and I have to be to work by 8am. It is weird going to work so early but I have found that bed early and soda in the morning really do the trick and I am good to go all day long.
So I was cleaning my living room this evening. It was way past due. I have this stack of magazines. See I subscribe to magazines but I never really read them. I usually flip through reading like the blurbs but never the articles. So I always put it aside thinking, "Hey I will read it later." Then of course I never get to it. I have like a dozen books out from the library but I don't seem to be interested in reading them. You know how you have to be in the right mood. So instead I have been reading my magazines. Right now I am working my way through my Oprah magazines. I think next is my Home Journal because honestly I don't usually even like the articles in that one; I have no idea why I subscribed hopefully I didn't pay much. I also get Fitness, Self, and Christianity Today. I will say I think have successfully unsubscribed to all of these magazines. And I kind of like to keep the stack near by so that when I feel like subscribing to something new I can just look at the pile of magazines I have yet to read.
Another thing I need to work on again is my budget. I don't know how people do it. I always make a budget, follow it for 1-2 months and then it falls through the cracks. I have tried several methods but I always seem to get lazy about it. So here I am again needing to go through everything and figure out how I will pay for stuff. In one of the Oprah magazines I read today they had this article about budgets. It said you should list everything under a 1. Really NEED, really LOVE 2. Really need, don't Love 3. Don't need, Really LOVE 4. Don't need, Don't Love. And then when making a budget or really when you buy everything you just follow this. Finding out how important it really is too you. It is based on the statement that the average person makes $700,000 in a lifetime, how are you going to spend yours? Even as I write this I feel like $700,000 is a ridiculous number so just pulled out my calculator. If you start working at 16 and are lucky enough to retire at 65 (I hear retirement for SS is going up to 70 soon) it means you will work 49 years. If you made an average of $15,000 a year you would reach $700,000. I know I make less than that now working part time but when I was full time I made nearly double that. I do realize that this isn't very practical though. Most of my "spare cash" goes to food. When standing in a grocery store deciding if I should buy the ice cream will I really stop to use this? I doubt it. I think with my food addiction the only way it would work is if I ordered food online or made a list to have someone else shop for me so that I was in the store tempted. Like today I went to Trader Joe's just to get a couple things and I walk out with a full bag of stuff. I will eat and most of it is pretty healthy but I didn't Need it, I had food at home, and I am not sure I could say I Love any of it either. Sure it will taste good but its not the best food I have ever had.
I have been watching this show Huge it is on ABC Family. It is about kids at a fat camp. I like it. It is cute and funny. But in the story the camp director used to be overweight and went to that camp herself as a kid. In this weeks show she goes to an overeaters anonymous meeting where she celebrates her 7th year as part of the program. And after this past week I feel like maybe that is a program I should look into. I mean, I started watching what I ate and then I all of a sudden go off the deep end. I can't even tell you how much I have eaten. Whether I am out or stay home I find someway to binge eat over the last week. I know it is bad but it's like I can't help myself. It is very frustrating. Like tonight I should have gone to the gym. I wasn't that tired from work and I had the time but no, instead I watched 3 hrs of tv and then just spent the last hour blogging to the world.
Bleh! I know more negative. Sorry I didn't know it would turn out so whiney.