About Me

Hi, my name is Angela and welcome to my blog. This is a place where I write about my life in an honest and open way.

I am 36 years old, single, and a Christian. God gave me a heart to work with children and so I spend my day teaching kindergarten. It is my fourth year teaching and although it is hard I love it. I currently go to a college for my BA in Elementary Education which keeps me busy. Between work and school there is not much time left but I enjoy serving and helping others, watching netflix, or reading a good book.

Sunday, September 30, 2012

His Temple

Note: this was typed on iPhone and may have some errors due to autocorrect. Please excuse these.

As I was getting out of bed this morning my thought was " Why do I torture my body like this?" Yesterday pretty much sucked all day. So after getting home in the evening I decided, instead of just quickly getting my homework done and going to bed I went to Denny's instead. I was there way too late, did my assignment wrong and barely turned it in on time. I did get to bed around 1:30 am which isn't that bad. But because I drank so much caffeine right before bed I woke up every hour or so to go to the bathroom. So when I had to get up t 7 this morning it was tough.

As the realization that I am torturing my body I also realize that it wouldn't be as bad if I was torturing it with exercise. The image of Colin Ferrell's character in SWAT exercising till he threw up and then just kept going has always stuck with me. Why can't I torture my body that way? Okay I realize I shouldn't torture my body at all.

Then of course because I am running late and have no caffeine in the house, which I will surely need to prevent a horrible headache from attacking m, I go to McDonalds for breakfast. So the body already feeling tortured is being fed two greasy McMuffins and a greasy hashbrown. Smart, I know.

I need to do better but feel stuck. I mean even last night after making the previous post I was thinking about how I should start preparing my body so that it is most capable for getting pregnant when the time comes. (You may be lost if you didn't read previous post. I don't even have a bf let alone a husband but have had kids on the brain lately.) Then what do I do I feed it more junk this morning.

I think the worst thing is that I realize I am torturing the temple God has provided for me. I don't take care if it and I let in all this junk. I think about how Jesus visited a church and in the outer courtyard there was a market and bartering and gambling. How upset Jesus was that they would defile his sacred place. Am I not doing the same thing? I eat junk and am lazy not maintaining my body with exercise. I allow unpure thoughts and images in. If I saw Jesus what would He say about how I have defiled the temple that is me?

Low on Love

I have been feeling lonely lately. Now this is kind of weird because I have been spending more time with women then I have in a long time. But it is not the lonely of having friends instead it is wishing for what I see in all these women's lives, a husband. I trust that if I follow God's plan for my life then it is the best plan for my life. I have gone back and forth wondering if I should ever get married, there are plenty of things wrong with me. Maybe I shouldn't burden another person with these things. Most days, being married, is what I desire. I have started really working on myself and realizing all that I need to work on with me. With this I have realized that I need to figure out me before I try to figure out me and someone else. So I trust in God's timing with this.

Last night I went to a JJ Heller concert. I love her music and it has definitely helped me through some difficult times. Her music plays on both Klove and Air1 with songs like Your Hands or Love Me. I totally recommend her stuff. She and her husband (her guitarist and the vocal backup) are working on a new cd right now and they played two new songs at the concert. Both were great! One of them really hit me though. It is about trusting God through things you just don't understand. That sometimes you pray and pray for an answer and no answer comes but we are still to be faithful and to trust. The beginning of her song starts describing a woman who all she wished for was to have her own child and even now at the age of 41 she still has none. Now I am only 30 but lately I have been feeling a deep desire and readiness to have children. Once I was sitting in a Saturday night service and noticed under the pew in front of me one of those child carriers for mom's to keep their baby on their chest, I started crying. Crying just from seeing a baby item which is crazy because I work with baby's twice a week now. So her song really hit me. The desires of what I want and not knowing when or if they will they come feel impossible.

When I was younger, probably early twenties, I felt God tell me that I would be a wife and I would have children. My sister can tell you my faith in this has fluctuated at times. Some days to her I would flat out say I didn't believe it and other times would be so secure in what I felt God had said to me. What his promise was a decade ago should be the same promise today, right? I don't know. I have not always followed His will. I have made choices that I know now were the wrong one's. Is it possible I lost it? That I missed that promise due to a choice I have made in my past? If that is true I can not be mad at God for it as it isn't on Him. Though if He is all knowing then wouldn't he, a decade ago, known what choices I would make in the future?

I think upon His promise. I think about how He said I would have children but did not say I would birth them. Those children may be step children or adopted, either of which I think I would be okay with. I do want to birth my own children but more then that I want to have a child to be my own. To have someone call me mom and not by mistake. ;)

So I wait. I wait for a man to love me, and not because he is family. I wait to have a man put his arm around my back holding me close to him. I wait because God has called me to wait. That although it sucks so much to constantly be around women who are all married or were married. I remind myself that I have not done anything wrong. I am not being punished for something. I am being faithful to marry only the man God has for me in His timing.

Thursday, September 27, 2012

Wendy's Remodel

Last weekend I had some time before church and decided to stop by Wendy's. I normally don't go to Wendy's, I like them but they are a high priced fast food restaurant. So as I drove to the Wendy's that I knew was on my way to church I was surprised to see it. It is on the corner of Greenway and 7th St here in Phoenix. I don't normally pass this corner so I didn't even know they were remodeling.

As I drove up my immediate thought was "Mod. This is totally mod." In fact if it didn't say Wendy's on the outside I would have thought it was something different.

As I went inside I was shocked to see how different everything was. The first thing you see is a casual seating area next to a fireplace. Did the designers know this is Phoenix?

The area where you order reminded me of maybe a Chipotle and Starbucks combined. The food is all clean and ordered up on the board behind the waitress. There was a glass display that had various desserts in it. They even took your name to type into the computer and would call your order when your meal came up. You then went down a little way to wait for your order. This seemed smart as it was often a problem that they would not get the next persons order till the first persons order was given. It was personal but inefficient.

The last time I was at this location, possibly a year ago. They had a new soda machine that has a screen and touch system to get your soda. It automatically adds in different flavorings for you to your selection and provides many more options then the standard machine. The new set up has two machines and the set up for all the other stuff looked really nice.

I had seen the large windows on the outside and wondered if they were really floor to ceiling inside as well. It was and it was pretty cool. I sat in front of the window to eat. They have shades over the windows and they look like they can go up if desired.

Overall I was happily surprised by the new Wendy's model. Everything looked great and seemed like a very casual place to hang out and enjoy a good meal with friends or family.

Monday, September 24, 2012

Wanting New

Recently I have started to notice how weak I have been getting. My lack of regular physical exercise is evident when I try to do things that were once easy and now much more difficult. The following are two specific examples:

1. I was driving home from bible study last thursday evening. I was nearly home when I saw a woman pushing a car out of the middle of the street. I can relate, I have had cars stall due to a dead battery or overheating. So I pull over to the side of the road and run over to help. But I didn't really help. I have helped with this sort of thing before. In fact it is one of the many reasons I keep towels in my car, in case I need to touch a hot car. This time as I pushed, it did move but I just felt weak as I did it. I want to be strong enough to help someone with something as simple as pushing their car out of the road.

2. Today I got an early morning phone call from the principal at the school I work for. They needed a sub and my name came to mind. So I went in and helped for all day with first graders. This is a wild bunch and there is never a free moment. After eight hours there and then another hour and a half after school I was worn out. I had to stop for groceries and although my body protested I knew I needed to get it done. After I got home, and put away the groceries, I just laid down on the couch. My legs screamed out at me like I had just put them through a tough workout. When I think about it, compared to what I have been doing, it was a workout. But it shouldn't have been. Last year I would go from a full day with preschoolers to three hours after school. It has been a couple years but I know that after eleven hour days I would go to church on Wed nights and work with even more kids for another three hours. So coming home and complaining about a nine hour day is crazy.

So you would think, "Great she is motivated. She is going to get to exercising." Yes, I probably will but first I have to fight off my need to buy new equipment. Every time I get this exercise bug I want to go out and buy something new. I suppose it has to do with a "the last thing didn't work maybe this new thing will." All afternoon I have been looking at new treadmill's, mine is a decade old and I hate it because you can't really choose your speed. You slide a bar and hope for the best. I also looked at getting a bicycle. My brother and his wife have been riding a lot so now that is on my mind. I try to remind myself that I don't really like being outside and no I probably won't get up at 6 am so I can go for a ride before it gets hot. None the less I still look online and price them.

Here is the rub. I am broke but only kind of. I knew this would happen. I tried to prepare myself mentally but it is still difficult. When I decided to work part time to finish school I knew the only way I could do it was to take out student loans. I worked out a budget so that it will last. As I said before a tight budget. Well that worked out pretty good until I get the e-mail notifying me there is $1500 in my checking account. I have been living broke for so long it is so hard to remember that this money has to last me through January when I get the other half. So as I look at new equipment, that I honestly do not need, I think about the money sitting in my checking account just waiting to be spent. I mentally slap myself but it is still very hard.

Yes I realize I am like a kid with birthday money just burning a hole in their pocket. This is what I need to be working on. Not looking at my bank balance but at what my budget says I can spend. In the last week I have spent more then my budget will allow. As a result I have not entered my purchases into my app, as if that would somehow not mean I spent it. Tomorrow as I sit down to do homework I will also need to spend a little time updating my information. I also need to move some of the money to my savings account. I just haven't done it because I hadn't done the budgeting to figure out exactly how much needed to stay in checking and what needed to go to savings.

So I need to get moving. I have so many options at my fingertips not moving is just laziness which I don't want to be an option anymore.

Friday, September 21, 2012

In Between

I am starting to realize that there is an in between and it is that in which I really want.

     I picture the life I want. The way my day should go. I should exercise 30-60 min a day. I should eat right. I should the right number of hours. I should get my homework done early in and in perfect fashion. I will meet the perfect guy. I will have four kids a dog and a cat. I will be my perfect weight through all of this. I will be a great Christian. I will volunteer joyfully and never waiver or have a bad day. I will bring many to the Lord providing much fruit. This is what I will be.

    When my plans fail. When the perfect day doesn't happen. When I have slept too long and I am still tired. When my depression grabs ahold of me and pulls me down. I am everything that I wish I wasn't. I am emotional and I am withdrawn. I seclude myself into my hole until I am ready to peek my head back out again. And you better not stick your hand in my hole to see if I am ok because I may just bite it off.

In Between:
    I strive hard to be perfect but my ladder is so high that the fall really hurts. I am learning, very slowly, who I am. I am learning what my body needs vs. wants. I am learning that I do not have to actually reach for the moon because you know what? It is just too high. I am not really sure I want those stars either. I want to be me. Not what I should be or my mom said I couldn't be. I want to just be me.

  • I suck at talking to people on the phone - but I am great at being a good friend in person or in writing.
  • I love ice cream - but I also love rice, beans, banana's, spinach and many other healthy things.
  • I have a streak of anger that I learned from my mom - but I have learned to control it and am learning sometimes it is ok to use it. 
  • I am pessimistic - but can stop everyday and find one thing to be grateful for in my life.
  • I struggle with an addictive personality - but found a Celebrate Recovery group to help me learn how to handle my struggles.
  • I run from arguments that cause anxiety to rise up in me - but am learning to recognize when I need to take a break from a conversation so I don't feel the need to run away.

I may not be posting much these days but I am working on me. School is going well and I am enjoying my job. I am currently involved in several bible studies in process to help myself grow. I am becoming more aware of my actions including taking responsibility for the choices I make when it comes to the food I put in my mouth to how I handle my day. 

Monday, September 10, 2012


This last week I have felt like I was missing something. Not like missing my keys but something that used to be part of my everyday life but with the changes is no longer there. All week I have felt out of place. I spent the first half of the week keeping myself busing, hoping that this missing feeling would go away and all would be ok. I then spent the second half of the week doing nothing because I was still missing something. Last night I went to Denny's. I have been minding my budget and Denny's does not fit into it. Maybe I was missing Denny's? Although it was nice to hang out there again, that wasn't it.

Today I was still in a slump not wanting to do anything. I went to church, it is an obligation. Came back home and laid on the couch all day, I don't normally do that. Tonight at church they were having their special Deluge get together. It is either 3 or 4 times a year where we create art as a form of worship. It is really cool. The group is mostly junior high and high school kids but we get an interesting group of adults. There are several types of media and we are always given a theme to help give us a jump start.

I was watching tv and I didn't want to go. It started at 7 and at 6 I went grocery shopping for junk food. I came home and watched another episode of some random TLC reality show about weddings. When the episode was over it was already 7:30 but I managed to get my butt up and get out the door. As a side note I am/was struggling about a guy that I knew would be there that I am/was trying to figure out if I liked only in my head or also in my heart. This resulted in an internal debate and conversations in my head of what I would say if I ran into him. Yes, I know I am thirty and should not be acting like a teenage. Can't seem to help it though.

Even with all that I decided to go. On the way I prayed about my guy situation. That God would help clear my head to His truth and clear out any fleshly thoughts I may be having. I felt refreshed by my prayers. I was happy as I entered Deluge. I went from table to table talking with people being friendly, which I am usually bad at but today it seemed almost effortless. I took some pictures, photographs are my art of choice, and made a drawing or two. It was really good. At the end we had a time of worship. [It was here that I realized that it was my head not my heart with my thoughts about the guy. I am ok with this. I understand fleshly desires. Just knowing is half the battle Though of course I will keep my heart open in case God wants to open that door later. ;) ]

After worship Deluge was over and I stuck around to help. There were about eight tables with art supplies everywhere. Things had to be cleaned up and organized. Placed in boxes. Chairs had to be stacked and tables put away. Deluge ended at 9:30 and I did not leave until 11. I was one of the last few people to leave. As I drove home I thought about the evening how great it was. How much I enjoyed it. At first I thought it was maybe the art that I did but then I realized it was the last hour and a half. See I love to help out. I am great at organizing and cleaning. Not only that but I really really enjoy it! I kept catching myself smiling while I was doing the most mundane of tasks. It was that feeling I was missing.

I love volunteering and helping out in little ways or big ways. I realize now, like literally this came to me just before I started writing this, that I was able to satisfy this when I worked the younger kids. I would chip in and help the teachers. Do things like fill copier or paper towel holder so the teachers never think about it. Even sitting down with one kid after school to encourage them or play a game with them. I don't have that now. The big kids hate being there and although sometimes I play cards with them, it is not the same.

Starting this Wednesday morning I will be watching children at church for three hours but I wonder if I can get my fulfillment from that or will it be like Sunday morning where it now feels like an obligation? How can feed this part of my soul, a part of me that just desires to help other people? I know that right now I am focusing on me. My schooling, my health, my spiritual well-being can I somehow learn to satisfy that same part me by helping me?

Part of me also wonders if it isn't that I am helping in a certain way but that I am appreciated. I have low self-esteem and receiving praise is something that I know I look for. Many times this evening I was thanked for helping. So is it that? Am I just prideful? Ok, I know it is not just that since I was happy before I got thanked. But maybe a feeling that someone noticed me. That someone cares. Isn't that one of those love languages? I have never read the book but I think hearing compliments is one of them.

I don't know where I will go from here with this, well to God of course. But I am happy that I have a better idea of what was missing so that I can start to fill that part of me.

Monday, September 3, 2012

Everyday and Nano

Sorry I haven't posted for a little while. Each day has it's ups and downs but nothing really exciting has been going on. I am trying to keep with a general routine of waking up around 8 am, 3 hours of homework time, lunch, exercise, work, then me time and bed by 10pm. Some days look like this and others do not. I exercised three out of five days last week, though I guess friday doesn't count since I go to work at 1pm.

 I worked on some homework each day but it wasn't always a full 3 hrs. One day I fell asleep, no more homework in bed. After falling asleep when I should have been studying I knew I need to get out of the house sometimes for homework. Of course this needed to be somewhere I would not spend money as I am now a struggling college student on a tight budget. On Friday I went to PVCC, my local community college. At one point, nearly a decade ago, I went to this campus for classes and even remembered where the library was. I can't say three hours flew by but I did manage to get a lot of work done while I was there. I am also scouting locations for NaNoWriMo meeting for November so Saturday I went down to Burton Barr. This is a bit of a drive but I deemed it reasonable. I think I found a spot I can have my group meet and found a quiet space to study. Burton Barr is the main library location of the Phoenix Public Library system. It is located directly downtown and is a five story building. On the second floor they have lots and lots of tables but none were near any plugs, I always like being near a plug for my laptop. They also have four small rooms that have a table and four chairs that are completely encased in glass. I can see the people talking but the glass cuts out all the noise. I am hoping to book one of these for my nano meeting. I am worried about how small it is but I usually don't get too many people anyways. I kept looking around and they had another room encased in these same glass walls but much larger. It is a designated quiet space, no talking, no cell phones, etc. I sat in here to do my work. I was pleasantly surprised by how silent it was in this room knowing what kind of noise was on the outside. Large noises still came through but it is a library so that didn't happen more then a couple times in the three hours I was there. I was a little distracted, as I had been thinking about Nano stuff and had to transition back to school work, so I did not get as much work done as I had hoped. Though I still finished one assignment and I was happy to have it done.

Ok, that paragraph was much longer then I thought it would be. I blame Nano. For those that do not know NaNoWriMo stands for National Novel Writing Month. During the month of November thousands of people from all over the world attempt to write a novel with a minimum of 50,000 words. Last year over 36,000 people succeeded in reaching this goal. I have participated in Nano for the last three years. My first year I succeeded but was frustrated by our ML or Municipal Liason. So last year I applied and became the ML for Phoenix. This means I set up Kick-off and Thank God It's Over parties. I support members on the forums and make meeting through out the valley and encourage the 1300 Phoenix participates to come out to write with others. It is two months away and yet I feel like I am already behind. I have a list of phone calls to make to reserve locations tomorrow. I have started planning the kick-off party and am trying to figure out where the best locations for meetings will be. I got through it all last year, in much less time, so I know I will be fine. Everything will come together but looking at all the pieces that need to come into place I feel nervous. So I ramble. I am sure you will hear much more from me about this as I get closer to November. And during November I doubt I will post at all. Between school and writing a novel I don't think I will have any more words left. If you are curious about NaNoWriMo check out the web site www.nanowrimo.org.