I have been feeling lonely lately. Now this is kind of weird because I have been spending more time with women then I have in a long time. But it is not the lonely of having friends instead it is wishing for what I see in all these women's lives, a husband. I trust that if I follow God's plan for my life then it is the best plan for my life. I have gone back and forth wondering if I should ever get married, there are plenty of things wrong with me. Maybe I shouldn't burden another person with these things. Most days, being married, is what I desire. I have started really working on myself and realizing all that I need to work on with me. With this I have realized that I need to figure out me before I try to figure out me and someone else. So I trust in God's timing with this.
Last night I went to a JJ Heller concert. I love her music and it has definitely helped me through some difficult times. Her music plays on both Klove and Air1 with songs like Your Hands or Love Me. I totally recommend her stuff. She and her husband (her guitarist and the vocal backup) are working on a new cd right now and they played two new songs at the concert. Both were great! One of them really hit me though. It is about trusting God through things you just don't understand. That sometimes you pray and pray for an answer and no answer comes but we are still to be faithful and to trust. The beginning of her song starts describing a woman who all she wished for was to have her own child and even now at the age of 41 she still has none. Now I am only 30 but lately I have been feeling a deep desire and readiness to have children. Once I was sitting in a Saturday night service and noticed under the pew in front of me one of those child carriers for mom's to keep their baby on their chest, I started crying. Crying just from seeing a baby item which is crazy because I work with baby's twice a week now. So her song really hit me. The desires of what I want and not knowing when or if they will they come feel impossible.
When I was younger, probably early twenties, I felt God tell me that I would be a wife and I would have children. My sister can tell you my faith in this has fluctuated at times. Some days to her I would flat out say I didn't believe it and other times would be so secure in what I felt God had said to me. What his promise was a decade ago should be the same promise today, right? I don't know. I have not always followed His will. I have made choices that I know now were the wrong one's. Is it possible I lost it? That I missed that promise due to a choice I have made in my past? If that is true I can not be mad at God for it as it isn't on Him. Though if He is all knowing then wouldn't he, a decade ago, known what choices I would make in the future?
I think upon His promise. I think about how He said I would have children but did not say I would birth them. Those children may be step children or adopted, either of which I think I would be okay with. I do want to birth my own children but more then that I want to have a child to be my own. To have someone call me mom and not by mistake. ;)
So I wait. I wait for a man to love me, and not because he is family. I wait to have a man put his arm around my back holding me close to him. I wait because God has called me to wait. That although it sucks so much to constantly be around women who are all married or were married. I remind myself that I have not done anything wrong. I am not being punished for something. I am being faithful to marry only the man God has for me in His timing.