I picture the life I want. The way my day should go. I should exercise 30-60 min a day. I should eat right. I should the right number of hours. I should get my homework done early in and in perfect fashion. I will meet the perfect guy. I will have four kids a dog and a cat. I will be my perfect weight through all of this. I will be a great Christian. I will volunteer joyfully and never waiver or have a bad day. I will bring many to the Lord providing much fruit. This is what I will be.
When my plans fail. When the perfect day doesn't happen. When I have slept too long and I am still tired. When my depression grabs ahold of me and pulls me down. I am everything that I wish I wasn't. I am emotional and I am withdrawn. I seclude myself into my hole until I am ready to peek my head back out again. And you better not stick your hand in my hole to see if I am ok because I may just bite it off.
I strive hard to be perfect but my ladder is so high that the fall really hurts. I am learning, very slowly, who I am. I am learning what my body needs vs. wants. I am learning that I do not have to actually reach for the moon because you know what? It is just too high. I am not really sure I want those stars either. I want to be me. Not what I should be or my mom said I couldn't be. I want to just be me.
- I suck at talking to people on the phone - but I am great at being a good friend in person or in writing.
- I love ice cream - but I also love rice, beans, banana's, spinach and many other healthy things.
- I have a streak of anger that I learned from my mom - but I have learned to control it and am learning sometimes it is ok to use it.
- I am pessimistic - but can stop everyday and find one thing to be grateful for in my life.
- I struggle with an addictive personality - but found a Celebrate Recovery group to help me learn how to handle my struggles.
- I run from arguments that cause anxiety to rise up in me - but am learning to recognize when I need to take a break from a conversation so I don't feel the need to run away.
I may not be posting much these days but I am working on me. School is going well and I am enjoying my job. I am currently involved in several bible studies in process to help myself grow. I am becoming more aware of my actions including taking responsibility for the choices I make when it comes to the food I put in my mouth to how I handle my day.