This last week I have felt like I was missing something. Not like missing my keys but something that used to be part of my everyday life but with the changes is no longer there. All week I have felt out of place. I spent the first half of the week keeping myself busing, hoping that this missing feeling would go away and all would be ok. I then spent the second half of the week doing nothing because I was still missing something. Last night I went to Denny's. I have been minding my budget and Denny's does not fit into it. Maybe I was missing Denny's? Although it was nice to hang out there again, that wasn't it.
Today I was still in a slump not wanting to do anything. I went to church, it is an obligation. Came back home and laid on the couch all day, I don't normally do that. Tonight at church they were having their special Deluge get together. It is either 3 or 4 times a year where we create art as a form of worship. It is really cool. The group is mostly junior high and high school kids but we get an interesting group of adults. There are several types of media and we are always given a theme to help give us a jump start.
I was watching tv and I didn't want to go. It started at 7 and at 6 I went grocery shopping for junk food. I came home and watched another episode of some random TLC reality show about weddings. When the episode was over it was already 7:30 but I managed to get my butt up and get out the door. As a side note I am/was struggling about a guy that I knew would be there that I am/was trying to figure out if I liked only in my head or also in my heart. This resulted in an internal debate and conversations in my head of what I would say if I ran into him. Yes, I know I am thirty and should not be acting like a teenage. Can't seem to help it though.
Even with all that I decided to go. On the way I prayed about my guy situation. That God would help clear my head to His truth and clear out any fleshly thoughts I may be having. I felt refreshed by my prayers. I was happy as I entered Deluge. I went from table to table talking with people being friendly, which I am usually bad at but today it seemed almost effortless. I took some pictures, photographs are my art of choice, and made a drawing or two. It was really good. At the end we had a time of worship. [It was here that I realized that it was my head not my heart with my thoughts about the guy. I am ok with this. I understand fleshly desires. Just knowing is half the battle Though of course I will keep my heart open in case God wants to open that door later. ;) ]
After worship Deluge was over and I stuck around to help. There were about eight tables with art supplies everywhere. Things had to be cleaned up and organized. Placed in boxes. Chairs had to be stacked and tables put away. Deluge ended at 9:30 and I did not leave until 11. I was one of the last few people to leave. As I drove home I thought about the evening how great it was. How much I enjoyed it. At first I thought it was maybe the art that I did but then I realized it was the last hour and a half. See I love to help out. I am great at organizing and cleaning. Not only that but I really really enjoy it! I kept catching myself smiling while I was doing the most mundane of tasks. It was that feeling I was missing.
I love volunteering and helping out in little ways or big ways. I realize now, like literally this came to me just before I started writing this, that I was able to satisfy this when I worked the younger kids. I would chip in and help the teachers. Do things like fill copier or paper towel holder so the teachers never think about it. Even sitting down with one kid after school to encourage them or play a game with them. I don't have that now. The big kids hate being there and although sometimes I play cards with them, it is not the same.
Starting this Wednesday morning I will be watching children at church for three hours but I wonder if I can get my fulfillment from that or will it be like Sunday morning where it now feels like an obligation? How can feed this part of my soul, a part of me that just desires to help other people? I know that right now I am focusing on me. My schooling, my health, my spiritual well-being can I somehow learn to satisfy that same part me by helping me?
Part of me also wonders if it isn't that I am helping in a certain way but that I am appreciated. I have low self-esteem and receiving praise is something that I know I look for. Many times this evening I was thanked for helping. So is it that? Am I just prideful? Ok, I know it is not just that since I was happy before I got thanked. But maybe a feeling that someone noticed me. That someone cares. Isn't that one of those love languages? I have never read the book but I think hearing compliments is one of them.
I don't know where I will go from here with this, well to God of course. But I am happy that I have a better idea of what was missing so that I can start to fill that part of me.