I don't how my mom did it. I don't know how she went her adult life without friends. She had like one friend and sometimes hung out with a couple of her sisters but that was it. I mean she had dad and us kids but didn't she need some time with friends.
A few months ago I was concerned about a friend who started working with Mary Kay. I have some concern over their business practices and was concerned for my friends that were getting very involved in the business. I of course, being who I am, tried to hold it in and then it came out in a giant word vomit mess on facebook. The result has been that I have lost my friends. I thought maybe we would get past it but apparently it is one straw too many. The one I go to church with doesn't even say hello back to me (except the one time I said hi to her in front of several other people) and the other friend will not respond to my e-mails. I have accepted that I had made a mistake in how I handled things, I have apologized for that. Though would not and will not apologize for being concerned for my friends.
The result has been I now only have one friend. And honestly that relationship is a little weird since I can only see her when she is not around the friends that don't talk to me. I was cool with it for awhile but now I have found the need to reach out to people. I attend a different church, Living Streams, on Saturday nights. I tried multiple times to find new friends there but they are not very open to allowing new people into their groups. This has left me with the friends at work.
First let me say that I love my friends at work. They are great and amazing people and I am so glad I know them. However for fun they go out drinking. Not only am I past the get drunk every night phase of my life I also can not afford it. When I order a 12 oz beer for $5 all I can think about is how it took me a half hour at work to earn that. How I can barely pay the bills and I really shouldn't be buying expensive alcohol. But I do it to socialize because I can not live my life alone in my house. So tonight with tip I spent $8 to have fun with my friends. But it is not about the cost it is about who I am. Which then gets more complicated.
When I am with my Christian friends, with those previous friends. I would pretend to be the baptist girl they wanted me to be. And I was ok with that. But here I am tonight pretending to be a drinker and I feel uncomfortable about it. Tonight while we were out we were playing this trivia game at the bar and our team, because of an answer I said, won a coors light t-shirt. I ended up with a picture and comment about it on facebook. I know that most of my friends on facebook are from my church and they already judge me because I like Obama and now what are they going to think. I get scared, like I will loose more friends because I was out having fun. I mean I know that I had one beer, didn't even get buzzed and was just having fun but my church loves spin things. I can't wait till I see everyone on Sunday, what will people say. Oh, right I wasn't planning on going Sunday so I bet that will cause even more gossip.
I don't know what to do anymore. The truth is that I am independent, I voted for Obama and still support him. In fact the book I am writing this month for NaNoWriMo, National Novel Writing Month which is the reason I haven't been posting because I am trying to write a book with a minimum of 50,000 words in November which is also why I am going to miss church sunday so I can do an all night write-in. Anyways it is a first person story about a nanny working for the Obama's. I am an independent thinking, I believe in global warming, I support our troops but I don't support the war. I think that taking away someone’s right for sexual preference is like taking away my right for religion. I even believe that life starts at first breath and not at conception. So I don't understand why I feel so at home in a Baptist church when my beliefs so do match those of a Baptist. I hate hiding who I am. I hate hiding what I believe because it might offend someone.
Part of me really wants to stop attending my current church. I feel like all I do there is give of myself and I receive nothing in return. I no longer feel at home there. But where would I go? Living Streams members won't seem to let me in to their lives. I feel like I am a fish out of water. And the more I realize how weird my beliefs are I realize more and more why I have no friends and am single. How if I live my life hiding my beliefs from the people I am closest to, how can I expect anything else but having my relationships fall apart?
Is this why my mom was so lonely? She never went to church because she would not hold her tongue on things she believed. She spoke up and spoke loudly fighting for her beliefs. And so she was alone. I don't want to be alone. But I can not change what I believe so deeply. I have thought about that. Maybe I could pretend to be the good republican baptist so that I can get along but that is how I got here. My beliefs have not changed I only pretended that they did. And you can not hide the truth when you believe in honesty. I feel so lost. I mean don't my beliefs have to be wrong if no one else believes them? Doesn't something have to be wrong with my line of thinking because otherwise wouldn't others, someone anyone outside my family have the same beliefs too?
Even now I pause and think about this blog. I think about what I have put in it and what you my readers will think. Will you stop reading? Will you say bad things about me? I once had someone tell my Pastor about a blog I made, will you report me? I am tempted to delete this. Tempted to try to continue to hide my feelings but they are still my feelings. They still pour out of me with such anguish that I don't know what to do with them! There is no answer that I can find. All I see is change your whole being! Change who you are at your core! or... choose to be alone.
What I never understand is why is that only the people in my church's care so much about every little detail of what I believe. They are all so critical. I can go out and find all these other people who don't care that I am a good Christian girl who is also like's Obama. They accept me for me. It is so tempting to fall back into that. To fall back into hanging out with people that will accept me but will also lead me down a path God does not want me on. Why, why can't you just accept me? And why God...why God can't I just believe what everyone else does? You know I have prayed for that. I have prayed and read the bible hoping God would just show me that I am wrong some how. And yet He has never shown me anything different then what I already believe.
I can not be alone. I can not spend my life alone. I don't actually question why I overeat. I overeat because I have nothing else. I overeat and I sabotage diets because know that I will still be different, I will still not be accepted for who I am whether I am a size 6 or a size 26. But if I just stay this size then sometimes I can convince myself that its just my weight that is the problem. This is all just too hard.