Depression feels so comfortable. It is like being in a warm blanket. I don't really understand why seeing that I am always trying to fight it so it is this constant battle. Maybe it is just the times between the battle.
I went shopping today. I spent money that I don't have. Money that I know I will have some consequences very shortly for using it. Each time I knew I shouldn't do it. I would pick something up and then just walk around the store telling myself how much I didn't really need X. A few things found their ways back to the shelves but most came home with me. It always becomes interesting because my depression probably would have been satisfied with eating an entire coconut cream pie or carton ice cream. The depression just needs to be fed with food or money for it to stop being so ...not painful its more like distracting. Like a kid jumping up and down in front of you, pulling on your sleeve saying "eat, eat, eat. Buy, buy, buy."
It is so hard to have intellect win over depression. It takes so much strength to beat down depression into submission. Especially when you know it is only in hiding and will come out to get you again. So very difficult.
I think I have found the reason D. came out of hiding. But, like most things, it is very very complicated and sure to cause pain along the way. Sure to be inconvenient, frustrating, and possible to cause more loss of people in my life. I want to just bury the truth away, pretend it isn't the truth. Hope that it goes away. Hope that the truth changes to a different truth. But it will just draw out the pain. Don't they say it is best to just pull the splinter and not allow it to fester.
So now I have the choice to go eat again when I am not even hungry and stay up late because I don't want to face another day. Or I could put away the computer and sleep instead.
I do want to say on a side note I have been listening to JJ Heller a lot lately. Even now as I type I have her music playing in the background. I have loved the itouch I have now because I can set it to play her cd and then it just sleeps when the cd is over so it doesn't waste battery. So if you haven't heard her I definitely recommend her. She is a Christian artist from AZ.