About Me

Hi, my name is Angela and welcome to my blog. This is a place where I write about my life in an honest and open way.

I am 36 years old, single, and a Christian. God gave me a heart to work with children and so I spend my day teaching kindergarten. It is my fourth year teaching and although it is hard I love it. I currently go to a college for my BA in Elementary Education which keeps me busy. Between work and school there is not much time left but I enjoy serving and helping others, watching netflix, or reading a good book.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

No sleep

A personal rant.

I can't sleep at night. You know when the tv is off and the computer is put away and all I really want to do is sleep but instead my head is invaded with all of the thoughts I push away the rest of the day. Thoughts about how I hate every minute of every day I spend at my job. How I would rather do anything but go there again because it feels like it is trying steal my soul. I try to remind the company that they can't have my soul I gave it to someone else but no they don't care they still want it. And then I think about school and how much I just don't care. I can't go back next semester and I have already dropped out 3 times before so what's the point. Me and school just don't seem to work well together. And I am sure I am just going to fail anyways. I just can't help thinking about how stuck I am in life and I hate it. And I think well do something about but I am so stuck I don't know what to do. My schedule at work works so I can go to school in the mornings plus my company paid for school and I have to finish and pass it or pay them back the $3400. So if I left my job now I would have to pay them back plus probably drop out of school. But if I have to pay for it it is extra motivation to pass the classes. And then where will I go. My house so expensive I don't think there is any way I can make enough unless it is a job like this that I hate every second of. And if I could sell it and even just make back what I bought it for that would be great but I can't (stupid economy.) Plus if I did move out of here an apt is like expensive, I just want something basic just 1 bedroom maybe a studio but with utilities min would be like $600 which is kind of high if I am just going to get a minimum wage job. And then its like I am going backwards. My friends are all buying houses now and here I am taking a step back makes me feel like a looser. So all this just runs through my head. So then I don't want to go to bed because it's disturbing and then when i get to bed I can't sleep. And then I can't wake up in the morning because I didn't fall asleep until 4 or 5 in the morning. So I have missed 3 days of school and now 4 days of work and I am not doing well. I just want to be happy. It shouldn't be that hard but right now it feels impossible.

So now I am on the verge of loosing my current job, trying to find a new job, behind on all my school work, and trying to figure out if I should try to sell my home before just allowing it to go to foreclosure. And wondering if any of this will actually make me any less miserable or just more miserable. Though I am not sure how much worse it could get so it may be a safe gamble.

1 comment:

  1. Hugs! I don't know if you want advice...but if you do...read on... Keep talking it out. The more you talk and say what your feeling outloud and/or write. I think it will become less of a BIG Black Hole. You will be able to work out the best course of action. Talk, Talk, Talk...be with people so you don't get stuck in your own head.