Here I am again nearly midnight and still awake. I keep finding myself doing this. Staying awake. Not really doing anything important just not going to bed. Last night I did babysit late but then still stayed up late after that. I was thinking about it this evening and I realize that it is due to avoidance. Tomorrow I have a couple calls I need to make. Difficult calls.
On Saturday there was a loud knock on the door. I was served papers. I am being sued. I had foreclosed on my house and with that there was an equity loan that I had also stopped paying on. They had threatened to sue me for it just like they threatened to sue for the foreclosure. But I don't have anything, I have nothing to give them. I thought it was all done. I have not heard from the bank since last August. And then there was a knock on the door handing me papers saying that it wasn't over.
There is no next step listed except that I have to appear before the Superior Court within 20 days. Even the Superior Court site is not helpful. So tomorrow I need call and try to figure out what I need to do to "appear" before the twenty days are up.
Just wait it gets better. I had e-mailed my teacher last Tuesday a question about an assignment. She still had not responded in the RioMail so I thought I would check my MCC e-mail account. When I did this I found a notice that there was a change to my financial aid. I went to the MCC site to see what was going on. I had figured they had simply finally made the payment to pay the classes. But when I looked they still showed due. The site is not clear when changes are made you just have to poke around and try to figure out what was different from the last time you were on. Finally I figured it out, they lowered my grant amount from $2400 to $1400. It now barely covers the tuition and books for the three classes I am taking this semester. I was planning on saving the extra $1000 so I could attend summer school as well. What's most frustrating is it doesn't say why it was lowered. I am hoping that it was a mistake. I am currently only in one class as I staggered the three classes. So I am hoping they were just looking to fast and thought I was only taking three credits instead of nine and can bump it back up again. Part of me thinks maybe it was so that I won't have a $1000 in savings when I deal with the lawsuit. I don't know.
I had seen the change in financial aid right before I was leaving the house to go babysit last night. I was driving and just talking out loud to God. I was frustrated and telling God how I just didn't understand but it did not take long for me to stop and just say "I trust you. I don't understand. And both of these things totally suck! But I trust you and know that your plan is better than my plan." And that was enough. I placed both in God's hands. This is not to say I did not worry about them or think about them. Last night I was trying to sleep and running through my head what kind of paper work I will need to take to court showing the bills that I have and evidence of how much I make.
At church today I sat listening to the Pastor. Half distracted but trying to concentrate. He was talking about being stuck in the mud. That there are different reasons why we get stuck in the mud but we all do from time to time. He also talked about peace. How when we are stuck in the mud we just want to press on the gas and try to get unstuck but we need to have peace. When Jesus returned he said "Peace be with you." This was the same verse that stuck in my head from Wednesday. Again God was telling me to just be at peace.
As the sermon came to a close and we were doing communion I bowed my head and listened to the pastor's words and tears just filled my eyes. On Saturday I recieved two hard blows and I had given them to God but they are still painful. They hurt. ...It sucks that I lost my house. It sucks that I can't just pay them back. I didn't mean to take their money and not pay them back. ...It sucks that I may not be able to go to school over the summer. And sucks that I was hoping to use some of that money to fly out to see my sister and I may not have it now. It hurts. But God's timing is not my timing. And I have learned over and over again that His timing is amazing and it is perfect if I just listen and follow. Right now He says to just be at peace and so I will listen. I will try my best because that is all I can give.