It is five in the morning and I am just going to bed. I got off work, watched five hours of tv, then hung out at Denny's for another five hours or so. What was I doing? Nothing, hanging out with my younger brother, his fiancé is a waitress and he was hanging out after dropping her off. I worked on some drawings as well.
I was standing in my bedroom, taking out my contacts, and I think to myself "ha, see I am in control." it is that moment that I see one of my bibles on my dresser and think " I thought I didn't want control." I gave my life to Jesus and yet it is a constant struggle to give up control of my life.
I have poster, that is very wordy, but it says that we are on a tandem bike with Jesus and it asks who is in the front? Who has control of the handlebars?
I realize that I just spent the last five days or so fighting God for control of the front seat. I didn't like where He said He was taking me and although I pretended that I was ok with it I demanded to be in charge of where we go next. I say fight but really as I turned down new paths these last few days, Jesus just asked if I was sure and then came along with me.
Why do I have such a need for control? I have to be up for work in about five hours. That is not enough sleep. And lately it feels like when I step on the scale I am hoping to hit 280. Why would I want that?!
Trust is hard and clearly I need to still work on trusting my life in God's hands.
* I noticed many five's in this post and so I did a quick search for the significance of five in the bible. Five represents God's grace and is a number of preparation. It also signifies harmony and balance; neither of which I really feel like I have right now with me in control.