So I was told today that I did not get the job. I was told that they wanted someone with education. Now I knew God had said no to the promotion. It was still frustrating but I knew the answer already so, okay fine. The problem is the girl that they are hiring instead. The girl did not even want the job. It is my understanding she had told the principal she was willing to apply for any open position. In fact she had declined taking this very same job three years ago and everyone knows she prefers high school kids and this job is mainly preschool and elementary age kids. Worse is that we do not work well together.
I had the feeling the last few days that she was being offered the job so I have been trying to acclimate myself to this idea but the idea is just difficult. I don't know how this is going to work. I feel like I am supposed to stay, it is the smartest decision for completing my college classes. But it is going to be hard. Prayer lots of prayer. Today at work I was feeling it again that she was going to get the job, feeling frustrated so while the kids watched a movie I sat there and wrote. I filled a full page in tiny writing just pouring out my feelings and frustrations. I don't know that it really helped, maybe temporarily.
When I was first told I tried to stay strong but as the afternoon progressed I would notice tears just pouring from my eyes. I would walk away from the kids and dry my tears. When I got home I didn't want to talk to anyone. I laid down in my bed and listened to last weeks sermon I had missed while I was out of town. You will never guess what it was about. Prayer! We are studying Revelations and we are on chapter 8 and talking about the seven seals. After the seventh seal is opened there is a half hour of silence but that does not mean heaven is lacking in activity. It says that the prayers of the saints caused thunder, rumbling, earthquakes and lightning. My pastor takes that to say that prayers do not go unheard in heaven. It was very encouraging. He spoke of how he even struggles sometimes feeling connected to God with His prayers and recently found he was praying not as God wanted him to so when he started praying as God wanted he felt more in line with him. My pastor recommended not quitting but instead praying with more insistence, fasting if needed till you line back up with God again. It was just what I needed. God's timing is amazing and this was a great reminder of that.
Hearing this sermon and understanding it I will not magically be fixed. I am still in pain and still feel frustrated by my life. This afternoon I took a nap and then re-listened to part of the sermon. Afterwards I prayed through tears words of honesty to God. Telling Him how I felt and asking for help. It is hard to be so vulnerable even with God. But I know that I feel the closest to Him when I am open and vulnerable with God.
I don't know what will come next. I know I will go to work on Monday just as I am scheduled to. I will try to remember that I am there because I love kids and just because my boss is changing my passion for kids is not. I will try to focus my energy into my school work, into making sure I get my degree by the end of next summer. Knowing that after that I will listen for God's new direction for me. Till then I will sit still and remember that he will not give me more then I can handle.